We put the LOL in wrestling (if you add an "O" and another "L", we guess.)
Here you will be invited into the world of two working, college educated gentlemen who happen to love the world of professional wrestling, but love to ridicule things even more.
For a theme song to accompany this post please press play and enjoy mourn.
Sometimes things aren't funny. We know that's a little hypocritical of us to say when we openly make fun of Bret Hart'sstroke and Nobody's murder/suicide. We also are on the record for wishing ScottHall and JakeRoberts would die. But we need to draw a line. A fresh death is not funny.
Soon it'll set in that a great Samoan has died. His Impactwill hopefully live on for generations, but we can never be sure. All we know is that he's as good as gone and we're worse for it. We are of course talking about Samoa Joe and the impending demise of TNA.
You thought we meant this drug addict? He can fuck himself in his fat fucking ass for all we care.
Yes, TNA is all aflutter about going live, head-to-head, against Raw on Monday, January 4th. Hulk Hogan himself announced this at a UFC event this past weekend. He also continued the TNA tradition of putting over rival organizations as he said "Whatcha gunna do, brother, when The UFC runs wild on you?!" Clearly TNA has no idea what they're doing.
We make fun of TNA as much as anyone else does, but lo and behold, it could be a lot worse. If TweetNA has taught us anything it's that the average Impact is better then the average Raw (especially if the guest host stinks) and that some of their talent can really go. For every Kevin Nash and Mick Foley taking up space, there is an AJ Styles and Desmond Wolfe ready to impress us with some wrestling. But trust us boys (and Dixie!), you're not ready to go head to head with the big show yet. It'll be suicide.
No. Nobody ever rang.
Seriously TNA, you go almost head to head with WWE Superstars on a channel no one gets and squeak out a rating that's about .4 points higher. Why do you think you can up against Raw? Now true, if there is any night to do it, it's that night. It's after New Year's, when everyone is broke. Hogan will be making his debut in the Impact Zone and it's rumoured he's bringing Ed Leslie Ric Flair and Brian Knobbs Rob Van Dam with him. Plus, both shows are going opposite the Fiesta Bowl, where a certain Mr. Cena will be tossing the coin. We don't think even Superman Cena can make it from Phoenix, AZ to Dayton, OH in time for that show.
Plus who cares about this matchup of nobodies?
We're praying you're right on this one, Dixie. We really are. Just don't expect us to show up at the funeral.
Occasionally, we Laugh Twins have to admit our own fallibility. We are but two humans. Better humans than you, of course, but humans nonetheless. We have our passions, and we have our biases.
Because of these, we alienate parts of the wrestling world on a regular basis. We laugh at TNA behind the scenes, but rarely on the site. Ring of Honor may as well not exist. Even WWE products get shuffled to the side; we've mentioned WWE Superstars once, only because someone asked us to, and we can't even find ECW on television.
However, all of that is about to change. Well, it changed a couple weeks ago, but we're just now deciding to make it a regular feature. You probably know that we have a Twitter page, and until now, it's only been used to alert you to new posts on the site and very occasionally present a funny aside. No longer, LOL Fans! Today, we officially bring "TweetNA" out of beta and give it to the world!
The basic premise is this: we watch TNA Impact on Spike at 9/8c and we tweet about how silly it is. Groundbreaking, we know, but try to keep up. Sample tweets from our previous outings go like this:
Dear Sting...Affliction shirts look even worse on old men. Stick to Tommy Bahamas.
If Christy is caught with performance enhancing drugs, can we call them "Hemmeroids"?
***ALERT*** Kevin Nash tore his bicep signing a contract!!
You get the picture. Along with our own comments, we'll reach out to our long list of TNA tweeters that we're following and get their opinions as well. Take, for instance, this exchange between the Laugh Twins and new TNA color man Taz:
So you see?? Even the Human Suplex Machine is taking some time out to LOL @ Wresslin! You should too! We'll be there tonight, tweeting our little fingers off!
Times are tough. These next few years could be the most important of our short lives, as we decide our planet's future. Now, more then ever we need to look towards a model of American ideals. Someone who encompasses intelligence, intensity, and integrity.
No, not Kurt Angle. He's a bit...preoccupied at the moment. No, we need new heroes. We need men to take us forward. We believe we have found this man. He hails from Smalltown, USA. He is "The Man Scout" Jake Manning.
We don't think those are uniforms trunks though...
Armed with only his canteen and trusty Scout guidebook, Mr. Manning yearns to bring back civil service and nature preservation to this wonderful world of ours. He is the head and founder of the Man Scout organization, making him immediately more accomplished then 99% of professional wrestlers. Still, don't take our word for it.
And of course, if someone won't be the Good Samaritan that he is, well, the Man Scout will have to work that much harder to get his message across.
So where can one find the Man Scout? Well, he's a bit of an elusive character. He mostly resides in the east coast independent wrestling scene (further proving that LOL, Wresslin' is the preeminent professional wrestling comedy blog on the net, since we cover the indys now), but we like to think that he lives everywhere in our hearts. His example lives on through his Youtube page and official websiteMyspace. Feel free to drop us a line, Man Scout. We'd love to get some more in depth information from you and your ideals. Also, you'll need to bust out the thread and needle, since we've decided to give you quite the honor. Yes, it's true. For the second week in a row we're giving out the BFG. Enjoy your Seal of Awesomeness merit badge!
A few months ago, WWE discontinued their association with Playboy magazine. This was due to Linda McMahon joining the Connecticut Board of Education. You know this. We (hilariously) wrote about this. Still, pervy wrestlewebz sites are all a flutter after this Tweet from TNA's Jeremey Borash.
Now, we're obviously excited for this news. If theirs one thing we Twins love, it's naked ladies (right...)! Of course, one thing we love even more is a mystery! Who could this brave and sexy knockout be? There are too many to choose from! Thus, we've gone over every photo available of the TNA Knockouts, and we've evaluated their strong points and some of their weaker points. So put on your silk robes because we're playing Hef!
The Beautiful People
The clear cut, top of the list, #1 with a bullet for the majority of male TNA fans. All three of them would probably sell very well for Playboy. However, JB said "a Knockout." which makes us think that this triple team has been disqualified. But that doesn't mean any one of them couldn't have done it.
Angelina Love
Pros: Knockouts champion. Tall, tan, blond. Best body of the BP's. Cons: Leathery skin. Heel character wouldn't do this for the fans. Could be interesting dynamic though where she yells at the fans for being perverts who "jerk off to her" or something. Odds: 1/100
Velvet Sky
Pros: Great ass. Overall a very pretty girl. Probably shaves. Does not have intimidating, muscular body. Cons: Heel character again. Trashy tattoos are not usually Playboy style, although could be easily airbrushed. Odds: 1/75
Madison Rayne Pros: Has the "girl next door" aesthetic that Playboy loves so much. Loves America as evidenced by above picture. A clear favorite of the LT's. Cons: Buckteeth. Outdated hair style and coloring. Who? Odds: 1/300
Christy Hemme
Note: Matt's favorite
Pros: No obvious physical flaws. Fiery red hair. Has been in Playboy before. Not in any particular storyline, which means this could be a good way to reintroduce her to television. Cons: Once farted a pie. Odds: 1/15
Awesome Kong
Pros: Bold choice. Would earn TNA loads of good publicity with women's groups. Cons: Seriously? Odds: 1/infinity.
Tara
Pros: One of the more noticeable faces in TNA, due to her time in WWE. In tremendous shape. Would love to see a knee brace in a Playboy spread. Cons: Left WWE over the abundance of models in their women's division, so this does not seem like a career move she'd make. One of the more noticeable faces, if you catch our meaning. Odds: 1/500
Raisha Sayid
Pros: Actually looks like this: Cons: No one knows that. Character is an Islamic woman who wears a burka, so that would not go over well with Islamic groups. Odds: 1/10,000
Sharmell
Pros: Beautiful woman. In the main stable of TNA, so good promotion for TNA. Cons: Character is a bit stuck up, so it wouldn't jive. Real life wife of Booker T, so unsure how that conversation would go. Heel. Odds: 1/8000
Jenna Morasca
Pros: Another beautiful woman. Has mainstream celebrity appeal (well, kinda). Previously posed for Playboy. Cons: A woman from Survivor is not what people should think about when they think of "TNA." Odds: 1/50
Taylor Wilde
Pros: Spunky face wrestler with large chest. Blond fits that Playboy aesthetic. On the show every week so this could be the start of a big push. Cons: Has kind of a "retard hot" thing going on. Odds: 1/250
ODB
Our sentiments exactly
Pros: Large chest. Could have a fun pictorial involving trailers Cons: Large everything else. Odds: 1/1000
So Cal Val
Pros: Has done enough of the type of modeling where at this point, it's really a matter of time to image her naked. A butt that won't quit. Cons: BUTTER FACE Odds: 1/10
Daffney
Note: Adam's favorite
Pros: Different look. Large chest. Could certainly clean up well. Cons: Too many tattoos for Playboy. Heel. Odds: 1/85
Traci Brooks
Pros: Large chest. Has done enough of the type of modeling where this isn't a stretch. Just returned to television to join "Main Even Mafia" so timing seems coincidental. Cons: Man face. Awful boobjob with cleavage about a mile wide. Odds: 1/2 (Playboy has done much worse)
Above: Much worse
Dixie Carter
Pros: Smart, sassy, and sexy as hell. MILF quality. Cons: Not actually on TNA television. Odds: Only in dreams.
So what do you fellas think? Who do you want to see? Did anyone actually know that Playboy is still published?
We don't try to hide the fact that this blog is a WWE-centric enterprise. Really, it's just easier that way, and the bottom line is we enjoy it more. However, we're trying our best, as evidenced by the formation of the LOL, Wresslin' Brand Outreach Program, and today we're going to take a look at TNA Wrestling, and try to get caught up with what's going on in the country's other promotion.
We'll get to the TNA website in a moment, but first let's just see what happened on last week's episode of TNA Impact!, their weekly show. We decided the best way was to just go to one of our frequented mark sites, and see what they had to say. Come to find out we had Jeff Jarrett hitting Earl Hebner, and Sting and Kurt Angle have been booked in a King of the Mountain qualifying match, whatever that may be.
We must have stumbled onto some WWE reruns. Let's see what's on tap for tonight. Hmmm, on the card is Scott Steiner, Booker T, and Team 3D. You're really not helping yourselves here.
Well, surely they must be doing something original. They DO have a fair amount of homegrown talent, so even though these throwbacks are having a couple matches, they can't possibly be their top talent, can they? Like, for instance, who's their heavyweight champion?
Damn it.
We'll give them credit for putting something called the "TNA Legends" belt on A.J. Styles, if that even means anything. And their X Division champ is a dude named Suicide, which is sounding oddly appropriate at the moment.
Now, on TNA's own website, they are promoting for next week a "big Three-Way Main Event" with Foley, Jarrett, Sting, Angle, Styles and Samoa Joe. They then have the gall to say "Who knows what hell will break loose!"
We're guessing "none."
Ok, ok, so maybe we're being a bit harsh in writing them off as a WWE has-been repository. They have the TNA Knockouts, for instance, some of the most beautiful and talented ladies in the business! Tonight, they're even debuting a brand new member to the roster, the lovely and lethal Tara!
Wait...a...minute....
Look, we'd love to give TNA credit for something, you understand. We do love their iPhone game. But they can't even seem to speak to their fans on their own website. Check out this ad that was on the front page:
Yes, because TNA and trigonometry go hand in hand.
It's Tuesday and things are a little slow. Sure, Umaga was released, boosting the hopes of anyone wishing for a Kennedy/Umaga (or whatever there names will be) TNA PPV headline. But really, other then making a fat joke or twelve, what could we say about it? Umaga clearly must have done something to piss off Vince, since he was kinda sorta in the middle of a push. But, who cares about all that. If it gets interesting we'll let you know.
No, let's continue our promise to look at other brands. Namely, the Tuesday show that no one cares about, ECW. Let's look at their roster and evaluate if this little show on SyFy is worthy of our attention. We mean, it's summer. What else are we going to do?
Christian: Adam's favorite wrestler has been the top face on ECW since he came back to WWE in February. He continues to be a solid worker, hilarious on the stick, and get over with the crowd despite the mountain of turd that's always thrust on him. Let's hope he continues to increase his overall profile on Tuesday's and eventually gets a shot on Monday/Friday for a top tier title.
DJ Gabriel: Who?
Evan Bourne: Aw schucks, gee whiz, high flyer. Amazing to see work, just needs that little thing to make us watch.
Ezekial Jackson: You know (tm) what you call this guy? Sir.
Finlay: It's pretty sad to say that he's lost without his midget.
Gregory Helms: Former Seal of Awesomness winner has thankfully stopped having long hair with stupid back tat and has just become a backstage interviewer where he's allowed to be hilarious. Here's hoping Vince goes (more) insane, fires Michael Cole, promotes Jim Ross back to Raw, promotes Matt Striker to Smackdown to be Todd Grisham's color man, and promotes Gregory Helms to color man on ECW. It could be worse, right?
Jack Swagger- Good in ring worker who talks like a gay dude. We're not sure if this is a positive for his career.
Paul and Katie Lea Birchill- Kafaybe brother and sister we're originally going to have a slow build towards and incest angle before Linda McMahon's education board election put the kibosh on that one. Of course, this would not be the worst angle ever.
Tiffany- Currently dates the dude who played Carlton on Fresh Prince. She's alright, we guess.
Yea..you can call us. If it's cool with Carlton.
Tommy Dreamer- Savvy veteran of ECW. Recently won their title, which goes against everything about his gimmick ever. Still, a nice gesture to celebrate his contract extension by WWE. Seriously, they gave him 3-5 years. Hopefully he'll innovate some more violence for us.
The Hart Dynasty- Surprisingly effective stable. David Hart Smith is the British Bulldog's son, and as long as he doesn't become addicted to drugs and OD we'd say he's better then his dad. Natayla is surprisingly attractive and her boyfriend Tyson Kidd is the last man trained in the Hart Dungeon. A face turn and feud with Legacy could be big money, we think.
Vladmir Kozlov- Recently started doing a Red Army gimmick. That's only slightly less topical then let's say...Disco Inferno.
Zack Ryder- Woo woo we we. Yes, a Long Island guido. The perfect gimmick. We wish you best in all your future endeavors, Zack.
Phew, that giant Mania recap really sucked out all of our creative juices. We could really just take a few minutes and veg out, if you know what we're saying? Maybe listen to some tunes on the ole' iPod and-
Yes, yes of course. Well believe it or not, TNA did something right. They developed a pretty awesome iPhone application. It's a game, but not a conventional wrestling game. It's more of an RPG, a'la Final Fantasy. Sure, there aren't androgynous teens battling corrupt androgynous governments, and we can't imagine Asian teens blowing off school to play it, but the game still has it's merits.
Anyway, we aren't ones for "grades" here, so let's just run down some of the good and bad points. The Good:
Surprisingly fun and simple gameplay-
Your wrestler has a hit point meter and does damage with various attacks he unlocks. He also has three defensive manuevers that can be used once per match, but can be refilled if you're awesome enough. Manuvers use the touch screen to good effect.
Fun, cartoony graphics-
Seriously, look at this and tell us you don't want to at least try it.
We wonder if digital Kevin Nash is injured just walking.
Is that ref presenting himself?
We love how everyone is ridiculously jacked except for Samoa Joe
Sound-
Real audio clips of entrance music and crowd chants. Nothing amazing, but certainly a nice touch.
Dry sense of humor-
There is a story mode where you build a jobber into a champion. And you can be a face or heel, depending on the story options you choose. So there will be instances where your character will cut a promo in the ring, when the crowd will react with the most markish responses. For example, if your character is a heel, he may call Christy Hemme a "dog." The crowd will heckle back "Boo!!!" and "A dog is a terrible thing to compare her too!"
It could be Engrish. It could be intentional. All we know is that it cracks us up.
Price-
Five bucks can't be beat.
And for The Bad: Majority of roster needs to be unlocked-
Seriously, who wants to play an exhibition match between Abyss and Eric Young?
Game crashs about half the time.
Yea, so except for the fact that the game doesn't work, we whole heartedly recommend it! It's kind of like TNA in real life!
On Wednesdays, we here at LOL, Wresslin' like to really pull out the stops and offer up a double shot of righteously killer content. Why Wednesday? Well, we could impress you with market research, work habit studies, and human psychology tendencies to show you there's a scientific reason the middle of the week is the best time to bring your A-game. However, truth be told, we don't have any of that stuff and settled on Wednesday because that was the only day that didn't have any content scheduled.
So, here you have "Watch Wresslin' Wednesdays." Please feel free to suggest a better title, because we are woefully uncreative when it comes to naming stuff.
Better at naming stuff than us.
The idea of W.W.W. is we each send the other a video that is related to wrestling (a match, promo, interview, guest starring spot, etc.). The only restriction is that it cannot be user-created, so your ultimate tribute to Raven (even the special "dark version") ain't gonna fly here, pal. Neither of us know what kind of video we're going to get that day.After viewing, we each write a response. This could be anything we choose: a straight commentary, a philosophical enlightenment, or classless ridicule. Just as we don't know what kind of video the other will select, neither do we know what the other will write or how they will write it. What you end up with is a mash-up of styles, which in our book equates to two-blogs-in-one, and we can take the rest of the day off.
There's no point in hiding the big surprise that happens right through here. The title spoils it, and since TNAWrestling posted the video, we can assume that they aren't much for suspense. Suspended NFL "star" Adam "Pacman" Jones (cute, Matt) had signed with TNA wrestling during his NFL sabbatical and made his debut with the company the previous Sunday at Hard Justice. Of course, what prompted this suspension? Steroids? Nope. Attacking a ref (which would put him right at home in professional wrestling)? Nah. He was involved in the shooting of a strip club bouncer.
Naturally, a real stand up citizen like this is someone you want to be affiliated with. He can only bring positive attention! Look at the USA Today article (which clearly looks like it's been placed above the fold) or the in depth analysis Sports Illustrated did or that Chicago Sun-Times header! All good news for Total Nonstop Action!
But of course, it don't amount to nothin' until we hear the real story from the horse's mouth. You see, Pacman was jumped on Sunday and wheeled out on a stretcher. Who knows who did it? Pacman has one idea (Ron Killings who know wrestles as R-Truth for Smackdown), so please hush, and listen to the mush mouth drivel that comes out.
"Where I'm from we don't play it like that. Face to face. Man to man."- well that would be Atlanta, GA. Home of the WCW. Well, I seem to remember the nWo ganging up on people and jumping them all the time, so already we're off to a bad start, Pac.
"If you ain't gonna bring it, don't sing it." Well that rhymes and is an ironic statement considering how Ron "The Truth" Killings is a musician when he's not wrestling. And as if this was all preplanned, the song "What's Up?" plays and out dances The Truth as he screams "What's up?!" to the crowd. Pacman, eager as any fan, replies back with a "What's up!?" This is where the entire segment falls apart. Seriously. Firstly, Killings comes out to cut a serious promo, but is doing a song and dance routine before hand. Also, as the title suggests, he turns heel. So why is he pandering the crowd? Then Pacman, overheated with the excitement of the moment, takes off his shirt. Don't get me wrong, he's in sick shape, but not for a pro wrestler. He looks tiny compared to Mike Tenay, let alone The Truth!
So puny without your bodyguards and guns, Adam.
Anyway, now it's time for Ron to speak the truth!
He's eating Fozzy Bear
"So I did my own research on Adam Jones." Really? Thanks truth! That's very sweet of yo-oh. Pacman. Argh! He has besmirched my good name again!
Doesn't matter anyway. Everything Ron said didn't apply to me anyway.
Once again, the greatest team sport athlete ever grabs the stick and captivates us with his scintillating speech patterns.
"And I had to go to the e-mer-gen-see-room."
Why the staccato Adam? Seriously? It almost sounds like you had trouble saying that line in rehearsal, but...this isn't rehearsed...right? Right?
As stated above, Killings turns heel, starts a tag team with Jones, and the two walk off to punch Showtime Eric Young in the back. That was the most heelish thing they did because other then that they mug to the crowd and do face like things even though they are meant to garner heat. Seriously, it's dumb.
Sometimes I defend TNA. Seriously. I'd like it to be good. And my personality is more in line with underdogs then big time programs. But this is just bad. It makes me embarrassed for anyone in the company. Here's what Pacman Jones did in his four months in TNA:
Never did anything physical, per his real contract.
Won the TNA Tag Title despite not wrestling (beat Kurt Angle and Sting)
Would "make it rain" after winning matches, a recreation of his behavior that led to the bouncer getting shot.
And you'd figure TNA would learn? But nope, they're going to keep hitching their wagon to worthless celebrities. They just signed some Survivor winner to a deal (NSFW link), and they're going to have Danny Bonaduce wrestle in a cage match next month (ok, that idea is kind of inspired.) But does this equal money? Would anyone buy a PPV to see Pacman Jones not wrestle? Well, yes, since all wrestling PPV's don't have him wrestling. But now they're paying him money to not do it! It's dumb and makes them come off as second rate. As if "any press is good press" is a saying smart people use.
Oh well, if there's one silver lining, it's that this put Pacman Jones in a relationship with SpikeTV, so he is now on Pros vs Joes!
Sort of relevant.
Adam's video to Matt - Hulk Hogan's Rock 'n' Wrestling "Rowdy Roddy reforms"
Matt's response...
The following is a transcript of a pre-production meeting for Hulk Hogan's Rock 'n' Wrestling cartoon series. Held in the offices of DiC Entertainment on October 5th, 1986.
Producer: Alright guys, we're a week away from air, and we still need the second half of the next show. We've already got "My Fair Wrestler" in the can.
Writer #1: I love that one! Captain Lou speaking to Parliament. Genius!
Producer: Yeah, but I was wondering if we played up enough racial stereotypes with Junkyard in that...
Writer #2: I don't think so, but we'll make it up later.
Producer: Sounds good. So, any ideas for this one?
Writer #2: There's been an idea I've been kicking around in my head. What if we make Roddy Piper a good guy? But just for a bit.
Writer #1: Eh...I don't know about that. Sounds a little...zany.
Producer: Which is EXACTLY what I love about! Tell me, will there be antics?
Writer #2: Of course.
Producer: And whistle sound effects?
Writer #2: Naturally. When are there not?
Writer #1: Well, we have fallen off a bit on those...
Producer: Be sure and work some in. Even when nothing happens. Ok, so how does Piper reform?
Writer #1: Hey, that's a great title!
Writer #2: I was thinking maybe a court order.
Producer: Can the judge look like Gorilla Monsoon?
Writer #2: Why not?
Writer #1: Piper should try to bribe him with wrestling tickets.
Writer #2: The judge?
Writer #1: Yeah, to get out of punishment.
Writer #2: Why would Gorilla Monsoon need wrestling tickets?
Writer #1: Well, he only looks like Gorilla Monsoon. And it doesn't work, because the judge just gets mad and throws them out of court.
Producer: Great. Let's make sure to have the Iron Sheik and Nikolai Volkoff act like buffoons in the court room. And they have to be cross-eyed.
Writer #2: Why?
Producer: They're foreign?
Writer #2: Good enough for me. "Justice..PHOOEY!"
All laugh hysterically. Five minutes pass.
Producer: Ok...ok. Whew. Ok, so Rowdy Roddy Piper-
Writer #1: Starscream?
Writer #2: I thought he was Cobra Commander.
Producer: No, no, it's Roddy Piper.
Writer #1: Well, he sounds...
Producer: I don't care what he sounds like. We've been over this before. As long as he's wearing a kilt, kids are going to know who he is. So how does Hogan fit into all this?
Writer #2: You mean the brother from Everybody Loves Raymond?
Producer: What?
Writer #2: Uh...nevermind. Ok, here's the deal. Hogan and Piper are driving side by side and they get into an argument, which causes Piper to take his eyes off the road and crash into a police car.
Writer #1: They should be arguing about music. For instance, Piper likes listening to boring classical music and Hogan listens to the Rocky theme all day.
Producer: Great! Can Piper cause Hogan's radio to change by flinging his windshield wiper onto Hogan's antenna?
Writer #1: How would that work?
Producer: Doesn't matter, just write it down.
Writer #1: ...ok...
Writer #2: Hey, when Piper crashes into the police car, Hogan should say, "I know how you like getting people from behind!"
Writer #1: Hahaha, inferring he's homosexual! I love it! Oh, and after the judge tells him he should relax, Piper says, "I am relaxed!" and then he growls!
Writer #2: Because he's so NOT relaxed! That's rad...we're rolling now!
Producer: Mean Gene should be in the police car when Piper gets tossed in. We can put him in prison stripes.
Writer #1: Why would he be wearing stripes if he were still in the police car?
Producer: Because he'd look funny. And a bow tie.
Writer #2: A bow tie with his prison outift? Why?
Producer: Situational irony?
Writer #2: I get it! I'll put that down. What else?
Writer #1: How do we get Roddy to change his attitude?
Writer #2: Hypnosis.
Writer #1: Ok...how does that work?
Writer #2: Uh...magic, I think. You just tell someone what you want them to do, and they do it. But you have to talk like a ghost and wave your fingers in front of their face to make it count.
Writer #1: Alright. And when he's nice, he tries to do all sorts of crazy things like plant flowers and say he's going to return the Iron Sheik's jeep to the dealer.
Writer #2: That came from a dealer? What kind of dealer would sell a huge jeep with spiked tires and a head scarf on it?
Producer: Doesn't matter. We're in a time crunch. No bad ideas here.
Writer #2: Alright. Well, at some point, he has to change back, and we'll need Hogan to do that because he's the only one that can piss Piper off enough to break the hypnosis.
Writer #1: Yeah! But this is where we turn the audience on their heads, because that seems like it should work, but it totally doesn't! They all go over to Hogan's pad to pick a fight. First, they ram his car.
Producer: And he runs out saying, "Who's the bimbo that hit my Hulkmobile?" He assumes it's a woman because he's a male chauvinist.
Writer #2: He is?
Producer: Obviously.
Writer #2: Ok, so Roddy offers to pay for the damage. And then they steal a barbell from Hogan and throw it through the wall of his place.
Writer #1: And Hogan demands a new barbell.
Writer #2: I think the barbell would be fine. He wouldn't ask for a new wall?
Producer: Move on. I like it how it is. One question: When the barbell gets thrown through the wall...whistle sound effect?
Writer #1: Naturally. Since Hogan can't make Roddy mean again, what does?
Writer #2: What are the cool kids into these days?
Producer: Rock 'n' roll?
Writer #1: Perfect. There you go.
Producer: I love it. Another hit. Get the lines together and I'll get them over to Snarf and Puddy.
It's pretty much safe to say that the wrestling business is a bit of a family affair. Like The Godfather, when you're in, you're in for life. That includes your loved ones. Which goes to show that even those not blessed with muscles, charisma, or intelligence can still make a living in on Earth-53.
Yes, we're talking about referees.
These men (and sometimes women, but really, who cares?) should be lauded for their ability to keep a level head under the most arduous of circumstances. Think about, these are normal size men, 5'8, 5'9, with nonathletic builds being placed into a situation where they need to keep the peace between mortal enemies engaged in fierce competition!
Of course, we can't cut off all the slack. When a referee gets hit by a a wrestler (or even a strong wind) he's pretty much in a coma. Here are some examples of somethings stronger then a professional wrestling referee:
The Machinist
A little girl
Tom Hanks in the film Philadelphia
And that's us being nice.
Which brings us to someone named Shane Sewell. Thanks to the LOLBOP, we've learned about Mr. Sewell. He's a referee in TNA. Remember the lyrics from Rick Derringer's "Real American."
"If you hurt my friends then you hurt my pride/ I gotta be a man./ I can't let it slide."
Well brother, Shane must have been a Hulkamaniac in the 80's, because he doesn't let anything slide. Evidence:
And he's kind of jacked. And he wrestles sometimes. So as you can see, he's kind of the Jackie Robinson of refs.
Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.
As Matt already told you, The Royal Rumble was last Sunday, and the WWE universe is forever cracked due to the shocking events that took place that night! Only by remembering history can we change the future!
So I'm going to open up with something a little odd. An ECW match. I know, I know. Who cares? Well it's high time we started paying a little respect to Tuesday nights, so I say! And so says the LOLBOP! Thus...I present to you
Matt Hardy
vs
Jack Swagger
with the ECW title on the line (with its fiery phoenix graphic)!
Wait...who the hell is Jack Swagger? What kind of ass clown wears such a comically over sized belt? He calls himself "The All-American American" and comes out to a song by One Day as a Lion (At least I think it's One Day as a Lion. I never liked Rage Against the Machine, so I don't know if that's a song of theirs, or if it's a new song of theirs, or if they even got back together, but I know it wouldn't be an old song because why pay a licensing fee for a nobody like Jack Swagger, so if it's a new RATM song then clearly it's for promotional purposes, but like I said, I don't know. The singer is clearly Zack from RATM though, and I know his new band is One Day as Lion, which is a great name for a crappy band. But I digress.)
You for reading all that. Not me for knowing all that.
Anyway the story going in is that good guy Hardy wants to regain his ECW title, who he lost to undefeated bad guy Swagger a few weeks ago on TV. The only noticeable spot was when Hardy kicked Swagger in the face a little too hard, so Swagger cashed in that receipt by tossing Hardy off the top rope a little too carelessly. Oh, that and Swagger won clean.
Go ahead and steal that and use it in your office. I know you're going to anyway.
Needless to say, Matt Hardy was less then thrilled with the outcome.
The other singles match involved Edge taking on Matt's brother Jeff, for his WWE title! And just before the match started, Smackdown GM (and Mrs. Edge) Vickie Guerrero changed the match from a normal singles match to a No Disqualification stipulation! Can she do that? On a whim? Oh she can? Ohhhh kay.
I don't think we'll ever run out of these.
Anyway, since Jeff is an agent of chaos, he thought this was just fine. So fine that he would do such crazy things like fall of ladders!
Jeff Hardy died for our sins.
And kick a defenseless husky woman!
He's doin' what we're all thinkin'! LOLOLZ
Of course, who could blame him? He's had a rough patch the last few months. First he got attacked before the Survivor Series, then he had that hit and run attack on I-95, and then of course that little pyro accident. But just when things were going well Jeff's mysterious attacker revealed himself! And it was Edge's brother, Christian! Back to Smackdown from TNA!
Not? Oh wow, I was very wrong. It's Jeff's brother Matt, here to help him take on the nefarious Edge (who we all remember, once stole Matt's lady)!
Edge wins back the title! You know, for as much as we make fun of HHH for always winning the strap, we sure don't get on Edge for having numerous title runs. Maybe it's because he's Canadian. The All American Canadian, perhaps?
Yes, yes. We all know I hate Lord of the Rings. Commence with the flaming.
Finally, the main event; the 30-Man, over the top rope, enter at 90 second interval, where the winner gets a title shot at the Superbowl (topical!) of wrestling, Wrestlemania! Of course, you knew that already. You attended the event/bought it on pay-per-view/know what wrestling is/read this blog.
...but just in case you're fat and stupid...
So Matt already told you the gory details, with Raw's well endowed crazy man Randy Orton winning the Rumble. He used his "Legacy" to eliminate Smackdown's Triple H. Still, there are a few things about the Royal Rumble that I noticed:
It felt like the Smackdown guys overwhelmingly were positioned earlier in the entry. Luck of the draw I suppose. True, the Big Show drew #30, and The Brian Kendrick drew a number in the late 20's (he eliminated someone and got eliminated in about ten seconds), it just seemed like the top 10 was littered with Smackdown guys. Couple that with Randy Orton having two other dudes watching his back and the deck was stacked against the blue brand.
Whenever someone new enters the Rumble everyone just stands around and let's that person clean house. I suppose that makes sense though. He's 90 seconds fresher then the previous dude.
How did Matt not mention the return of Rob Van Dam?! True it was one night only, and it was just for a hometown pop, and he was a little slower and pudgier then we remember, but still, RVD! RVD! RVD! And Chris Jericho had the nerve to eliminate him! If only some paragon of good, someone who held the power of a Ram could "toss him around the ring like a tossed salad."
There will be justice, Jericho.
Next stop: Wrestlemania! No? Next stop, tons of Smackdowns and Raws and a pay per view called No Way Out, but then, more Smackdowns and Raws and THEN Wrestlemania! But the fun is getting there! What would the Wizard of Oz be if Dorothy didn't meet her crew along the way? Shorter, that's what! So tune in tonight so we can understand why Matt committed fratricide! iNetwork Television, 8/7c!
Adam, a native of the Garden State, and Matt, a proud Texan, crossed paths at university. They discovered they're both really into very silly things. Contact them at lolwresslin@gmail.com
You thought we meant this drug addict? He can fuck himself in his fat fucking ass for all we care.
No. Nobody ever rang.
Plus who cares about this matchup of nobodies?
