R U READY TO DOWN SOME SMACK??? Hell in a Cell

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

We all know that this past Sunday was WWE's first ever Hell in a Cell PPV, and it emanated live from my home state of New Jersey in the beautiful Prudential Center right in the heart of beautiful downtown Newark! Ironically, now that I live in New York, I am closer to Newark then when I used to live in New Jersey. Now, as I hinted at last week, I was in fact Newark this weekend! And what a tale it is!

I know, I'm pretty excited too.

First thing I had to do was go to Intern Brian's apartment and help him set up a new TV he bought. This was terrible because he lives right in the middle of Midtown, which is full of tourists and fats, aka, the two classes of people who don't walk correctly. He did make it up to me by making this. That took a little longer then originally imagined, and then we were off to take the PATH train (Port Authority Trans-Hudson, newb) to Newark. Stupid us. Stupid stupid us.

You see, what we forgot is that on the weekend, the PATH runs a little slower (because why would anyone want to go into New York on the weekend, right?). So in addition to not running as frequently, we had to go out into Hoboken, then back around to get to Jersey City to switch to the Newark line. Normally the ride from New York to Newark on the PATH is about 30 minutes, the same as taking an NJ Transit train, but this is cheaper. But on the weekend schedule, try an hour. And we were already running late!

Anyway, we got there just in time for the show to start. Luckily our seats were good and we were in the lower bowl. So no long lines to get to them. But you know what? Why bother? It was terrible! The Devils played like such ass, and Brodeur couldn't stop a beach ball. And there were Flyers fans everywhere and it was just an ugly night. Thankfully, the two Devils I have on my fantasy team both scored goals, so it wasn't a complete wash. But I'm concerned with their inability to pass so far this year, plus it took a last second goal to beat Tampa Bay last night. Tampa! The second worst team in the NHL last year!

This is what we call a "Bait and Switch"

Oh, you thought I went to Hell in a Cell? Why would I have done that? At the least Devils' game might not have been terrible. Hell in a Cell was guaranteed to be.

About that terrible PPV. It stunk. Not all of it, but the general concept and some silly booking decisions really left something foul in my metaphorical mouth. Let's start with the show opener, CM Punk defending the world title against the Undertaker in the cell.


For some reason, they keep booking Punk in gimmick matches with short time limits. So they just turn into spot fests. This one was no different.

Leg dropping pensively, planning his next toot.

Look at Punk's arms! He thinks he's flyin!

Punk actually kicked out of this, so he did look strong. However, it was not enough as-

The worst 69 ever

Taker must have caught some pubes in his mouth

Now, I know that with three cell matches you have to space them out so as not to fatigue the crowd. And I also know that this match was originally slated to go on last, but Undertaker called an audible because he didn't think he could physically deliver a PPV closing match. But therein lies the problem. Why turn "the most demonic, career ender" match into just a filler match in a two month feud? Why have three cell matches on one card anyway? It's not like you risk overexposing the gimmick to when it can no longer draw, right? And why put the title on a guy who isn't there physically, anyway?


Thankfully, Dolph Ziggler and John Morrison had a pretty awesome IC title match.

I know how these boys feel

Anyway, nothing much to say for this one other than that it was a good back and forth match with a lot of nearfalls. There were come fast paced spots like this neck breaker-

Thank God his neck really isn't broken, because we know what that leads to.

And Morrison's numerous attempts at the Starship Pain.

Starship also built a city.

Of course, that's it, so Ziggler is now 0-3 in his IC title shots. I've got to imagine that's it for him and he'll be pushed down the card, which is a shame as he can really go and wears some sweet Zubaz. Still, he's no longer credible in the eyes of fans. So I guess it's time to bring on...MIKE KNOX OMG!!!!?

Also, why that match followed a World Title match in a cell is beyond me, when they very well could have brought the crowd back down with a Divas match or this worthless R-Truth/Drew McIntyre thing.

For all those flamboyent shirts, why wear just plain old black tights?

Anyway, McIntyre won his match with a real gay pin.

Real gay

And yes, I'm aware that match went on after the Unified Tag Title match, but you really can't expect me to end this with Drew McIntyre taking R-Truth down to Uncle Touchy's Naked Puzzle Basement (you won't wear a shirt and you'll cry), can you?

What's the best way to reward Rey Mysterio for returning from his drug suspension? Give him a title match on PPV! Hey, being rewarded for stupidity is practically the "K" in RKO. Of course it's against- UH-OH!- the Big Show!

I got it, one dude is very big and one dude is smaller then average

Thankfully, Rey has a partner. Someone who is smarter then Rey by never failing a Wellness test, THE ANIMAL!!!!BATISTA!!!!!


And there was teamwork!

It's like when your dad let's you see the fireworks

Way to provide some support there, Dave

So sure, Chris Jericho might be out of the picture, but that still leaves Fat Justin Credible/Fatter Penn Gillette to handle this. Can he possible leash The Animal?

Reminds me of buying a choke coller for my dog

This match is all done now. But wait it's the





Oh, well never mind then. JeriTall with the win again. Try again, you prodigious down-and-outers.

That's the whole show! And that's it for us! Time now to sip some tropical umbrella drinks on the beach! Vacation! It's all I ever wanted! Vacation! Just have to get away! Oh, and watch Smackdown tonight at 8/7c on MyNetwork TV. Or over on that website that Fox and NBC own, and ABC is now a part of.

R U READY TO DOWN SOME SMACK??? Breaking Point

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

There was a PPV last week! A gimmick PPV! And it took place in Montreal, which has the gimmick of being a heel in a heel country! ZANINESS!!!

The first gimmick match of the night involved The Great Khali and cane KANE! in a Singapore KANE! cane match.

Above: KANE!s canes

Anyway, I took a piss and really had no interest in this clusterF of wrestling, but I can pretty much sum up the entire match with this metaphor:

CaneKANE! and his KANE! cane are cane KANE! and the KANE! cane and The Great Khali is my eyes.

So yea, a choke slam happened and cane KANE! picked up his second straight victory over the FORMER WORLD CHAMPION.


The first ever Intercontinental champion, Pat Patterson, came out to say hello to his hometown fans. A nice moment of gratitude from WWE, if I must say so.


For some reason this upset Dolph Ziggler. And coincidentally enough, he happens to be #1 contender for the Intercontinental title.

Speaking of fancy, nice Zubaz vest, Zigga.

So how do you get ahead on Earth-53? Well the easy answer is to assault someone. But if you really want to succeed? Really get ahead? ASSAULT the elderly!

"You might have it free, but try seeing a doctor in a prompt manner!"

Yes, a good old fashioned hate crime over an old man's lifestyle is a sure fire way to get at dem millions. Of course, he couldn't finish turning Pat Patterson into Mathew Sheppard, because John Morrison had to stick his nose in there. And hey! He has to defend the his title against Ziggler at an as of yet undetermined date!


Finally, there needs to be some reason this PPV was named "Breaking Point." Yes, it was a submissions PPV. First of it's kind. So let's throw in two tacticians who have long abandoned their submission finishers for "impact" moves into the World Title main event.


Also, in WWE's infinite wisdom, this match got started late and only got about nine minutes (well John Cena had to sleep through his "No"'s!). Basically, Undertaker slapped on his Hell's Gate chokehold and won the world title.

I think Punk is choking on something else in that hold...

BUT THERE'S A TWIST!

Yes, logic actually entered the picture for once. Smackdown GM Teddy Long came out and had to inform the Undertaker that his Hell's Gate finisher was in fact illegal, as deemed by Vickie Guerrero a year ago during her time as Smackdown GM. WOW! Things were actually remembered!


Now, normally this should have been an instant DQ, since Taker's move is illegal. However, Teddy Long may be tough, but he's also fair. The match would just have to restart. To which CM Punk wasted no time slapping on his Anaconda Vice TO WHICH THE UNDERTAKER IMMEDIATELY TAPPED OUT TO!

Seems legit. Pictures don't lie, folks.

Now sure, some people may make the case that Taker just placed his hand on the mat and didn't actually tap. That the ref just rang the bell quickly, thereby screwing the Undertaker and making him job to Punk. Really guys? A screw job finish? In Montreal of all places? That's been done before! When does wrestling ever repeat itself?

Plus, why would WWE want to not get over the gimmick of this inaugural PPV event by having a screwjob in the main event? Surely they wouldn't devalue their brand like that!


Come watch the fallout at tonight's Smackdown. World title resolutions are of the utmost importance. And maybe Jimmy Wang Yang will respond to getting beaten up by Punk? Oh, and one other thing is happening:

R U READY TO DOWN SOME SMACK??? Summerfestivites

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

There's a school of thought that the first match of the night should be a very hot match. It should get the crowd off their hands and set the tone for the entire night. Now would a DX pop have been a good way to open the show? Sure, why not? But it didn't. WWE decided to open their second biggest PPV of the year with a title match from Smackdown.

And why not? Smackdown is awesome. So for the second straight PPV, Dolph Ziggler (who states that he is perfection) took on Rey Mysterio for the Intercontinental title! And this was a very different match then the one that took place at Night of Champions. For starters, Ziggler got in some offense.

Ummm...kinda.

And he actually learned a few things from last time too!

"Oh! Avoiding the telegraphed move is how you block it! Duh!"

OWWW! BELLY FLOP!

Alas, it wasn't meant to be, as Ziggler did not plan for the dreaded Hurricanrana!

How could anyone fail the Wellness policy when they feel so good at that moment?

Also, WWE character development writers are stupid.

Cocky heel from Hollywood is fine...but Hollywood, FL? Really? Well, Billy Mitchel is from there, and he's a giant heel...

Cryme Tyme got their tag title shot against Chris Jericho and Fat Justin Credible.

It's really uncanney.

Cryme Tyme did the best they could, but the match was really never in doubt.

You tapped out to that weak finisher? Bring back the Liontamer!

The Great Khali and KANE had a real zzzzzzzzzzzzzz



Still, all that above stuff? Bullshit. This is right here is what we came here for. Jeff Hardy defends his world title against CM Punk in a Tables, Ladders, and Chairs match.

However, before that, WWE.com writers are stupid.

They aren't twins or even related, so of course they will be "different" men. DUH!

So since DX decided that their intro needed to be a 20 minute act of war, Punk and Hardy needed to rush through their main event to make time. So the ladders came into play about...a minute into the match. But you know (tm) what? It just made things more awesome.

Pfft..wrestling's fake.

Bunch of pansies. That ladder is made of cotton candy and pillows.

Also..who wants to wrestle in the ring WHEN YOU CAN JUMP OUT ONTO CONCRETE?!!??!


Or, I dunno, chair someone in the head on the announce table, climb a ladder as high as Mick Foley's Hell in a Cell bump, and...well it's the announce table so you know what's going to happen.








Quick Punk! Now that he's on a stretcher! The match is yours!

"This is as high as you get!"

Oh yea Jeff? Well it doesn't matter anyway! Punk wins the ladder match. Clean, mind you. Or at least as clean as a TLC match can be. Something you surely will never know about.

And now, in the spirit of great web comics, here is a retelling of Summerslam's final moments.










Now what exactly does Undertaker have against a clean lifestyle? I guess we'll find out later tonight! I don't know what time because the Yankees are on My9, but it's raining, so who knows?! But it'll be on hulu.com eventually!