You really matter... for real this time

Photoshop by Intern Brian

We sure had some fun last week writing that Cyber Sunday preview. We bet you thought we were talking about the Presidential election and stressing how important it is to vote for that. And then we just made it about something silly like pro wrestling! Get it? You were looking this way and we want that way, LOLOLOLOLZ! In all seriousness though, four years have passed since our last election, and believe it or not Tuesday is election day. Although we are a little uncomfortable with the idea of encouraging people to vote (because honestly, it's often forgotten that it's also within our rights to not vote), we do feel that it is our civic duty to at least use this medium for good. So, we are going to do our best to profile the election.

Now, we don't much care for the news, or fancy book readin', or even fancy Economist readin'. No sir. We're Generation Y! Give us everything now now now or we don't care care care. But, we do remember April 25th. That's when the three candidates (Hillary Clinton was still in the running then) spoke to us, the WWE Universe. Sure, politicians always seem to do various pop cultural things during the election year, but this seemed oddly legitimizing to the average fan. What's the big deal about going on Saturday Night Live? That's a terrible show for old boomers who don't go out on Saturday nights (ladies, you know where to find us.) American Idol? Please, that's a show with a built in audience of voters. They don't need an convincing. Richard Nixon appearing on Laff In? "Sock it to me, baby!" put us to sleep. But Monday Night Raw? This is huge. Vince McMahon pulled off a major coup getting all three candidates to speak live (on tape) to his audience. Thank God he didn't mess it up.

Oh wait, he purposefully ran this after they said their peace? Good grief!


God Lillian Garcia is hot. ANYWAY....

We are going to show you the speeches that both Senators Obama and McCain gave to the WWE audience that night. We are going to react simply everything they say. We are going to get serious for a minute and stress that we are not shilling for any one candidate over the other. Anything we say is purely a reaction. We will start with Barrack Obama, because his segment was aired before John McCain's.



Well first thing. Anti-Randy Orton policy? So far off to a bad start with us. Oh don't get so smug. Maybe we like having our leaders compete like it's King of the Ring. Wait a minute....king? KING!?!? That's not democracy! That's not America! That's not even Mexico! What else you got to say, sir? Yea! Our leaders should be working towards universal health care! They should be working to fix our economy (wow, he was sort of spot on with that one six months ago, wasn't he?) They should be fixing our other problems.

Wait a second? Other problems? Care to elaborate at all, Senator? You have all the time you want. Any ideas how you plan to fix the first two problems that you specified? We'll settle for that.

Oh sorry. We gotta keep moving. Ok. We don't like special interests either? How will you fix that? By asking them if they can smell what Barrack is cooking? Oh, hahaha! We get it. It's like the Rock's catch phrase..but you put your....and it's...hahah! Good one.

Admittedly that little smirk at the end was rather charming. Oh Senator...we can't stay mad at you, even if you don't like our boy Randy!

John McCain's segment:



Before we get into the meat of his talk, we would like to identify all the wrestling references Senator McCain liberally used.

1) Finally the Mac has come back to Greenville

2) To be the man, you gotta beat the man.
3) Game Over
4) Whatcha gonna do when John McCain and all his McCainiacs run wild on you?
5) No surrender (which is the name of a TNA PPV. We hope the staffer who wrote that lost his job.)
6) I'm going to introduce Osama Bin Laden to the Undertaker
7) Can you smell what the Mac is cookin'?
8) Cage match in November
9) You decide the champion
10) And that's the bottom line, 'cause John McCain said so!

That's ten wrestling quotes in a two minute speech. Clearly, John McCain knows his audience.

Regardless, let's jump into this. He wants to lower taxes and decrease the size of government. Ok, nothing we didn't already know. He wants to stay in Iraq. Check. He's fine with the idea of a black man and a white women beating each other up inside a wrestling ring. Everything here seems normal.

One thing that really stuck with us was when he said that "we don't watch wrestling because we're bitter. We watch wrestling to celebrate our freedom." All we gotta say to that is "HELL YEAH!" He says wrestling is about fighting to be the very best. Ummmm....he does know this isn't legitimate competition, right? He then decides to offer us, his friends, some straight talk. But then, he just goes into spouting out more catch phrases! Granted, we talk about Randy Orton so much that we might not recognize "straight talk" when we hear it, but something tells us this is typical political trickery.

These are the men we have for the next four years. It's up to you (since neither LOL, Wresslin' Laugh Twins live in swing states) to steer this country for the next 4 years. As for who we're voting for? Well isn't it obvious?:



Also, we know we usually leave you on a joke, but we really can't stress enough how important it is to make an informed decision. So all we gotta say is...are you ready? We said....ARE YOU RED-EEE!!???

For you to vote!