W.W.W. featuring Sid Justice/Ultimate Warrior and Steven Regal

On Wednesdays, we here at LOL, Wresslin' like to really pull out the stops and offer up a double shot of righteously killer content. Why Wednesday? Well, we could impress you with market research, work habit studies, and human psychology tendencies to show you there's a scientific reason the middle of the week is the best time to bring your A-game. However, truth be told, we don't have any of that stuff and settled on Wednesday because that was the only day that didn't have any content scheduled.

So, here you have "Watch Wresslin' Wednesdays." Please feel free to suggest a better title, because we are woefully uncreative when it comes to naming stuff.

Better at naming stuff than us.

The idea of W.W.W. is we each send the other a video that is related to wrestling (a match, promo, interview, guest starring spot, etc.). The only restriction is that it cannot be user-created, so your Jeff Hardy tribute set to Saliva ain't going to fly here, pal. Neither of us know what kind of video we're going to get that day.

After viewing, we each write a response. This could be anything we choose: a straight commentary, a philosophical enlightenment, or classless ridicule. Just as we don't know what kind of video the other will select, neither do we know what the other will write or how they will write it. What you end up with is a mash-up of styles, which in our book equates to two-blogs-in-one, and we can take the rest of the day off.

Matt's video to Adam- Ultimate Warrior Sid Justice Promo



Adam's response...

"Rewriting Sid Justice's Promo"
by Adam

Listen here, Warrior! I am the most short sighted, EASILY distracted man in history! ONE, JUST ONE, small diversion from my plan, MY PLAN, to kill, FINALLY KILL, Hulkamania and all bets are off. You think it's ok to save that old man! To save HULKAMANIA! Well you've awoken a fire within me that not even Harvey Wippleman can quench! I'm coming for you! Me! SID JUSTICE, the man who rules the world! And I don't know if that includes Parts Unknown!

"Rewriting Ultimate Warrior's Promo"
by Adam

THE POWERS OF THE WARRIOR ARMY FILL UP INSIDE ME LIKE ANT SITTING IN A CLOUD!!! I'VE CLIMBED THE HIGHEST MOLE HILL! I'VE PERCHED ON TOP OF DOVES! I'VE DONE WHAT IT TAKES TO MAKE THE RIGHT CHOICES, SID JUSTICE!
YOU WANNA RULE PARTS UNKNOWN?! WELL COME DEEP INSIDE AND TAKE THIS CEPTER AND CROWN FROM MY BEING! FIGHT PAST ALL THE WARRIORS! FIGHT PAST THE CENTAURS! SURVIVE THESE CHALLENGES AND YOU WILL FIND ME, THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR SITTING UPON MY THRONE OF FETUSES AND AND VIRTUE. THEN, ONLY THEN WILL YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT CONSTITUTION IT TAKES TO PREPARE FOR SUMMERSLAM. THEN, ONLY THEN WILL YOU HAVE THE ABILITY TO JUMP OFF THE HIGHEST BUILDING IN THE WORLD AND FIND THE TRUE BEING OF THE WARRIOR INSIDE ME.

I'VE SEEN YOUR SOUL, SID JUSTICE, AND YOU ARE NO RULER OF THE WORLD! YOU ARE NO MATCH FOR THE WARRIORS, YOU ARE NO MATCH FOR HULKAMANIA, AND YOU ARE CERTAINLY NO MATCH FOR ULTIMATE HULKAMANIC. SO BOARD UP YOUR HOUSE! BOARD UP YOUR DOG! THERE IS NO ESCAPING THIS ONE WAY CYCLONE OF AGONY AND DESPAIR! DESTINATION: PARTS UNKNOWN.

*SNORT*

Adam's video to Matt - Steven Regal vs. Dick Togo

Adam's helping us out this week by providing a video that can't be embedded, but don't do yourself a diservice; watch it here!

Matt's response...

Yes, just what I wanted on my Wednesday. Some mat wrestling. What a gift to be given in my email inbox.

Immediately, something jumps out at me on this video: How in the hell did Regal get saddled with this gimmick? A "real man's man" means a cut-off flannel and a hard hat. Is he a construction worker? A lumberjack? Some amalgamation of the two? I would have to assume he can swing a hammer or an axe with equal verve and ability. He is a "man's man" after all. And half of the comments left on the video (there are only two) agree with me. At least, I would have to assume that FWFChairman is referring to Regal when he says "lame gimmick," because who doesn't like an Asian guy named Dick?

All you Dicks look the same.

Also, this is from WWF's former (and I stress former) show Shotgun Saturday Night, which was originally filmed in New York City nightclubs. I can only imagine what that scene would have been if these two walked in.

Probably not much different than the scene here.

This video serves as another example of two commentators who couldn't be more unaware of what's happening in the ring. If they could take a bathroom break or hit the concession stand, they totally would, just like the rest of the audience. It takes Michael Cole and Jim Cornette about half the match to start calling the thing, after their done talking about Commissioner Shawn Michaels and some In Your House show named after the Rock.

Of course, they go right back to talking about Sunday Night Heat.

The perks of being a champion

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We all know that everyone wants to be a champion. Why else would someone compete for WWE unless they wanted to prove they are the best. Of course, not all titles are created equal. No, they all contain different benefits and deficiencies that have never been officially revealed. Until now that is. We Laugh Twins have ninja'd our way into the WWE Hall of Fame (it does exists, just not for you, Superstar Graham) and found a sacred parchment outlining the rules WWE holds dear. So be thankfull, but let's keep this one a secret, ok LOLiacs?

Intercontinental Champion

Champion of all landmasses, excluding the United States, which chooses to have their own champion (more later). The IC champ must learn the languages of the world and be present at all secondary functions of importance. Basically, if the Duke of Wales is throwing a party, expect to see Rey Mysterio there for a photo opportunity. As champion, he is part of a time share for a Swiss ski cabin and has a book of discount travel coupons.

United States Championship

The US champion is responsible for representing the ideals this great nation was founded on. He must uphold free speech, carry a gun, and count Negros as 3/5's of a person in all Census counts. He also must make sure these are in only the most pristine of conditions. However, it's not all Fox News watching and border wall building. No, the US Champion is often consulted upon to help form future policy in all wrestling legislation. He also can cut the line at any cafeteria he wants and gets an extra pudding!

ECW Championship

The main perk is having a say in Sci-Fi/Syfy's programming. If this was known earlier we could have telegraphed Matt Hardy's heel turn, as he was responsible for Battlestar Galactica's cancellation. Other then that, the ECW champion is worthless.

Women's Championship

Champion of all women. If she is pure and virginal, it is foretold that she will Immaculately Conceive the Savior's return. If not, she will oversea the work done on clothing repair/cleaning, grilled cheese sandwich preparation, and boo-boo fixing. For being champion, the National Organization of Women provide her with a celebratory terry cloth robe, foot soaking tray, and a GPS so she no longer will get lost when driving. Best part is, she can keep them all even if she's no longer champion! Multiple time champions receive a silk robe and $2,000 American Express gift card upon their third and seventh title reigns.

Diva's Championship

Upon winning the title, the Diva's champion is given a $40 iTunes gift card and VIP passes to VH1's annual "Divas Concert." She is responsible to dress like a whore and playfull flirt with all men. Sleeping one's way up to women's championship is encouraged, but not required.

Tag Team Championship

World Heavyweight Championship

He is champion of all landmasses and the seas. Dines with kings and queens, but can also feast on pork and beans. The World Heavyweight Champion is a gentleman and a scholar. He is also Ambassador of Earth for the Galactic Council. Meetings often adjourn with beatings. He is given the best of all fringe benefits. Firstly, the world champion is allowed one free Motorhead performance at a pay-per-view per year. He also has access to a network of spies to do background checks on anyone he chooses. The World champion is given a 1973 Cadillac El Dorado convertible for every title reign. Ric Flair has sold them all, in an effort to not leave memories alone.

World Wrestling Entertainment Champion

The face of the company; responsible for ratings and PPV buy rates for his period as champion. Subject to performance review. Also has a seat on the board of directors. Benefits include WWE paying for his MBA for a post wrestling career and increased merchandise production. Also gets the largest Christmas bonus. WWE also provides the champion with a company car and boat, and membership into an exclusive Greenwich country club. One day a year Vince McMahon will be his caddy, turning the tables on the other fifty-two.

Ask us? Being a champion is worth every sacrifice.