Showing posts with label bicycle streamers. Show all posts
Showing posts with label bicycle streamers. Show all posts

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

W.W.W. featuring The Miz/Morrison and Ravishing Rick Rude

On Wednesdays, we here at LOL, Wresslin' like to really pull out the stops and offer up a double shot of righteously killer content. Why Wednesday? Well, we could impress you with market research, work habit studies, and human psychology tendencies to show you there's a scientific reason the middle of the week is the best time to bring your A-game. However, truth be told, we don't have any of that stuff and settled on Wednesday because that was the only day that didn't have any content scheduled.

So, here you have "Watch Wresslin' Wednesdays." Please feel free to suggest a better title, because we are woefully uncreative when it comes to naming stuff.


Better at naming stuff than us.

The idea of W.W.W. is we each send the other a video that is related to wrestling (a match, promo, interview, guest starring spot, etc.). The only restriction is that it cannot be user-created, so your compilation of favorite Macho Man entrances ain't going to fly here, pal. Neither of us know what kind of video we're going to get that day.

After viewing, we each write a response. This could be anything we choose: a straight commentary, a philosophical enlightenment, or classless ridicule. Just as we don't know what kind of video the other will select, neither do we know what the other will write or how they will write it. What you end up with is a mash-up of styles, which in our book equates to two-blogs-in-one, and we can take the rest of the day off.

Adam's video to Matt - WWE visits IGN



Matt's response...

"Who watches TV on the internet?" - Zack Ryder

That pretty much sums up this entire video. Are you really going to watch this thing? It's fifteen minutes. You can if you want, but since I already have made that sacrifice, I'm going to break it down very simply for you: Adam somehow found a video that features two people I hate more than the Miz.

How is that possible? As the number one purveyor of Miz hatred on the internet, I didn't think I could hate anyone as much as I hate him and his faux hat and his stupid hats. But I do. These two wastes that "host" this "show" have got to be the most unentertaining duo since Uday and Qusay Hussein, and we all know what happened to them.

american military funny Pictures, Images and Photos

I'll give you the positives first: John Morrison. I'll be honest here and say I never gave that dude much time, especially since he teamed up with the asshat Miz. But I actually enjoyed him in this segment. He's obviously a decent talker, he keeps the conversation moving, and he has a good amount of bits that he runs through during the "show." The dude even does what the audience probably started doing and messes with his cell phone in the middle of the "interview." I came away from this a legitimate John Morrison appreciator, so that's something.

But that's not nearly enough to save this pile of garbage from being anything other than complete and total fail. Let's first rank everyone on how much I like them. At the top are Morrison and Jessica Chobot, but she only gets by because she's kinda pretty. In reality, she seems really annoying and doesn't have anything useful to add, which puts her about on par with everyone else on set. But she still sits solidly in second behind the Tuesday Night Delight (or whatever he's calling himself now).

Yeah, I guess you can call me. But don't ruin it with your personality.

Here's where things get dicey. All huddled at the bottom are the Miz, Gruesome Greggy, El Gringo Primo, and making a special fail cameo, their floor director. Since he doesn't have a speaking part, I'll put Mr. Floor Director in third, as his only contribution is to hold up his hands to stop an impending "fight" on "set." I've never seen anyone less thrilled with their job than he was, and I've worked at a video rental store.

We'll put Gruesome Greggy at fourth, just because I can't quite hate him as much as the Miz, even though he does him damnedest to make me. Seriously, look at this douchebag:

His standard expression.

Oh, I get it. The homemade shirt and the sport coat are supposed to be ironic, huh? Ok. Man, this guys SUCKS. He has no clue how to run an interview, has nothing to endear himself to the audience whatsoever, and generally spends his time being a complete tool. Look dude, if you're going to be a typical gamer dickhead, and have total disdain for people at gaming conferences who can't talk pixels with you, quit "hosting" the "show." It's obvious the guy thinks Miz and Morrison don't know jack about games, and to an extent he's right, but the dudes are just there promoting the thing, so quit acting like you have more fans than they do, because somehow you don't.

In fifth is the Miz, and I've probably said all I need to say about that dude.


But definitely in last is El Gringo Primo, one of the worst bits of failed comedy I've ever seen in my life. Epic Movie got it more right than this guy. Here's his idea of a great character: a fat luchador who speaks in grunts. Get it??

Oh, you don't? Maybe this will help.

Put your goddamn hand down.

I don't know if this is this dude's regular bit, because I'd rather be caught masturbating to hentai than watching another episode of LiveWire, but even if it's just for now, it's got to be one of the worst ideas anyone has ever had. He has a face that you just want to punch, and you can't even see his face!

Now, as far as the purpose of this little visit, I assume it's to sell us on Smackdown vs. Raw 2009, but I can't say for sure since they barely talk about it. There is no way if I were on the fence about buying that game that this segment would make me want to get it. So if that's what you were trying to do, you failed at it.

Maybe it was to sell me on the Great American Bash. Well, telling me about your tag match against a bunch of people I couldn't care less about doesn't work either, so you failed at that too.

Or perhaps just to go and read IGN and watch more of their coverage of E3. FAIL.

These guys did absolutely nothing right. And that's impressive for a fifteen minute segment. You'd think at some point they'd hit something remotely close to passable, but they don't even wander anywhere near that neighborhood. Congratulations, gentlemen. You've made the worst video on YouTube.

Get bent.


Matt's Video to Adam- Ravishing Rick Rude Training for Summerslam 1990



Adam's response...

Oh me oh my! Is this Christmas? Have I been a good boy!? Two Warrior related training videos in just a few weeks! I can't explain how awesome this is. Seriously, after this video, well I'm pretty much like this.

Thank you Rick and Warrior. Although you two may be bitter rivals and have a match at Summerslam 1990, I'm grateful you two came together to change my life. However, that doesn't mean this entire video is flawless. I'm looking at you, Heenan.


First off, you're a fat. A major league fat. Why are you training the Ravishing one? What form of mental trickery did "The Brain" play on Mr. Rude? You're not fit to train a dog, let alone the only man who ever beat The Ultimate Warrior for a title!

Yea, take that junk in the face...

Second off, why so many locales to train Rick? This camera crew are all union! You're costing your client, Mr. Rude, more and more money when they could have cut this little training video in under an hour. But noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, you had to go for a dusk light stroll along Venice Beach because it reminds you of your favorite song! Seriously Brain, stop thinking about only yourself and maybe the Heenan family will win a GD world title.

Oh, and don't think I forgot about you:


Click to embiggen

RickModelMartel. Now, I think it's great you started up a Youtube channel and posted some older stuff from your era. I'm glad that you have become a defacto historian of the WWF, but seriously, why the Ultimate Warrior Photo? Why would you ever promote that bicycle streamer wearing lunatic? Don't you remember the countless gorilla press slams all around North America? Or what about the time he threatened to "get you in your nightmares"? Why would you ever promote this man, especially when you are promoting his 1990 Summerslam opponent!?

Am I the only one who gets it!?

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

W.W.W. featuring Bam Bam Bigelow and Warrior

On Wednesdays, we here at LOL, Wresslin' like to really pull out the stops and offer up a double shot of righteously killer content. Why Wednesday? Well, we could impress you with market research, work habit studies, and human psychology tendencies to show you there's a scientific reason the middle of the week is the best time to bring your A-game. However, truth be told, we don't have any of that stuff and settled on Wednesday because that was the only day that didn't have any content scheduled.

So, here you have "Watch Wresslin' Wednesdays." Please feel free to suggest a better title, because we are woefully uncreative when it comes to naming stuff.



Better at naming stuff then us

The idea of W.W.W. is we each send the other a video that is related to wrestling (a match, promo, interview, guest starring spot, etc.). The only restriction is that it cannot be user-created, so your Welsh love letter/vlog to CM Punk's junk ain't going to fly here, pal. Neither of us know what kind of video we're going to get that day.

After viewing, we each write a response. This could be anything we choose: a straight commentary, a philosophical enlightenment, or classless ridicule. Just as we don't know what kind of video the other will select, neither do we know what the other will write or how they will write it. What you end up with is a mash-up of styles, which in our book equates to two-blogs-in-one, and we can take the rest of the day off.

Adam's video to Matt - Bam Bam Bigelow debuts in WCW



Matt's response...

How little did WCW care about what was happening in the ring? There's a match going on! Can't this wait until the match is over?

Apparently not, because Bam Bam Bigelow is clearly a loose cannon. "The most dominant force in professional wrestling," as we're informed. Oh, and our announcers also let us know that we've never seen anything like this before. Never has a professional wrestler ever come in unannounced. Truly history in the making.

Uh oh, now here comes Goldberg to answer Bigelow's challenge. And again, here's probably something else we've never seen before: two men being held apart by security.

Uh, no, that's not it...

Er, just wait a minute, I'll get it...

There we go!

Now things are getting even worse! Bisch wants to see J.J. Dillon backstage. I wonder what th--wait, is that Twins? Is Twins coming on? Screw this, that's a classic comedy!

Poor Bam Bam though. After such a strong intro, his career in WCW is barely a paragraph in his Wikipedia entry. Here's the highlights, if you can call them that:

  • Feuded with Goldberg
  • Moved to Hardcore division
  • Formed the Jersey Triad with DDP and Chris Kanyon
  • Lost a match to Mike Awesome

Bigelow's career was, unfortunately, not "too sweeeeeet."

Bam Bam's life after wrestling reads like a dictionary definition of Murphy's Law. He was divorced, and then sued for child support. He was burned over almost half his body while saving three kids from a fire. He disappeared to Florida. He was charged with endangering a child after reckless driving, and was then busted for having pot. He was in a motorcycle wreck, and would have faced murder charges if his girlfriend, who was riding with him, didn't recover from her injuries. Good grief.

From the looks of it, Randy "the Ram" had it better.


Then he died, the day after my birthday in 2007 (I promise I didn't wish for that, but that would have been weird). His last known words were, "At least I wasn't in Jersey."


Matt's video to Adam- Ultimate Warrior Private Workout Footage


Adam's response....

Dear Warrior,


I am your biggest fan. My mom tells me that you are a bad influence, but I think she's wrong. I tell her that you gorilla slammed Hulk Hogan at Wrestlemania 6 and the entire earth shook. What is bad about that? Anyway, as your biggest fan I have a few questions-
1) How'd you grow up to be so big and strong? My mom tells me that it's through homework and vegetables, but I said there is no public school in Parts Unknown! Also, is the One Warrior Nation the main political party in Parts Unknown? I looked it up in my social studies class, but since it's unknown there wasn't any information.

2) What is your favorite college basketball team? I suppose Parts Unknown isn't D1, because you wear your Arizona shirt a lot.


3) What's your stance on gay marraige? (Hahah..how did I hyperlink a child's letter? LOLZ)
4) How many grunts and snarls should I do to improve my bench?
Thank you in advance for your response. I have taken the streamers off my bicycle and tied them to my arms, just so can I be more like you! I have included a picture of us being friends. Maybe you could do the same?



Your fan,


Warrior

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

W.W.W. featuring Macho Man Randy Savage and ECW Invasion 1997

On Wednesdays, we here at LOL, Wresslin' like to really pull out the stops and offer up a double shot of righteously killer content. Why Wednesday? Well, we could impress you with market research, work habit studies, and human psychology tendencies to show you there's a scientific reason the middle of the week is the best time to bring your A-game. However, truth be told, we don't have any of that stuff and settled on Wednesday because that was the only day that didn't have any content scheduled.

So, here you have "Watch Wresslin' Wednesdays." Please feel free to suggest a better title, because we are woefully uncreative when it comes to naming stuff.

Better at naming stuff then us

The idea of W.W.W. is we each send the other a video that is related to wrestling (a match, promo, interview, guest starring spot, etc.). The only restriction is that it cannot be user-created, so your poorly lit webcam analysis of Bob Backlund's two day reign as WWF champion in 1994 ain't gonna fly here, pal. Neither of us know what kind of video we're going to get that day.

After viewing, we each write a response. This could be anything we choose: a straight commentary, a philosophical enlightenment, or classless ridicule. Just as we don't know what kind of video the other will select, neither do we know what the other will write or how they will write it. What you end up with is a mash-up of styles, which in our book equates to two-blogs-in-one, and we can take the rest of the day off.


Matt's video to Adam: Randy Savage Present Day




Adam's response...

In 2003, The Macho Man Randy Savage embarked on a new career path. Fresh off the heat of his feature role in Sam Raimi's blockbuster Spider-man, Macho decided to become a rap sensation, and signed a recording contract with Big 3 Records. However, the album charts are not enough pomp and circumstance for the elbow drop champion. No, he wanted you to Feel the Madness (oooooooohhh yeeaaaaa!) on the World Wide Webiverse as well. So he launched a special VIP section on his website for uber-Macho fans to cream their digital jeans. What was birthed were the above Vlogs (video blog, noob).

Members Only: When I wrote "Feel the Madness" up there it wasn't just to be a mark and spit out a Macho catchphrase. No, I actually meant it somewhat literally. Like our old friend the Warrior, wearing bicycle streamers off the his jacket must have made him legitmally insane. He's bat shit crazy.

Regardless, here we are in the Member's Only section. Granted, it has nothing to do with the clothing line, but I don't think anyone can't help but snicker when they think of the words "members only." Apprently Macho was the last member. Anyway, Macho is talking over 56K modem noises, to illustrate that this not a television show we're watching. Nope, it's a genuine web show, and should be graced with all the futuristic noises of 1997 America Online makes. What other wonders await us as members?

1) Like "Hotel California" we can check out but we can't check out. Well, those aren't exactly the lyrics, but Macho is rollin' so let's give him a pass.
2) As a member of machoman.com, we will work hard and play hard. Nice.
3) Hulk Hogan is a punk. Wait, that's a benefit? Oh, I guess the Macho Madness took over again and this tank topped behemoth is going to start rolling again. HHH is a punk too? What did he do? Why am I defending HHH? He's going to steal Stephanie McMahon from HHH? What's having a strong back and being able to take the pressure have to do with anything? What's that even mean? Seriously, these aren't rhetorical questions. Somebody please explain it to me.

He calls out the Honkey Tonk Man? Really? Really?

Oh, we're going back into the benefits of being a member.

3a) Photos, audio and videos. That's good. Any website worth its salt should have those (Ok, one of three for us, unless you count these W.W.W.'s, in that case, we got all three baby!)
4) Women. "Lots and lots of women." Because Macho loves the women.

Not gay. So not gay.

Of course, being a member of machoman.com isn't all playing hard and Hogan dissing. No sir. As a member you have certain responsibilities (remember the motto. "Work hard. Play hard.") Macho needs you tell your friends that this website is cool. Please. Do that he'll get a Webby. Till then, Macho is going to go look at some women, cause he's so not gay.

(Side note: Tell you're friends we're cool. Please tell them we're cool. We need the webby, and we can't get that until we're cool. Until then, we're going to look at more Orton cock pics.)

Thanks boys, you're sweet!

Suddenly, Macho Man calls out Hulk Hogan again. Granted, this isn't a big deal. He has a rap album to promote, called Be A Man, and the title track is a large diss track on Hogan. So that's all. He wants to promote the record. But then, Macho crosses the line. He calls Hulk a "a fucking punk." Really Macho? What's up with that salty language? We know you're better then that. In fact, here's a lyric from "Be a Man" that shows that.

Hollywood Hulkster, you're at the end of your rope.
And I'm going to kick you in the butt and wash your mouth out with soap!


Also, Macho then instructs us, the Macho Maniacs, how we can help in his cause. We have to haunt Hulk Hogan. Yes, haunt him. Are we ghosts? Granted Macho, your career may be dead, but Randy is very much alive. While we do this for you what will you be doing? Oh, bitch slapping HHH and taking Stephanie from him, cause you're so not gay.

Not gay. So not gay.

Finally, Macho Man is about to sign off on this Vlog. Yup, the Macho Man, a.k.a. Bonesaw McGraw. Ok, one thing we need to tell you, Macho. No one on this website is looking you up due to your four lines in Spider-man. No one. If we were paid members of your website, we're well aware of everything you've ever done in your career.

f hulk: This would be his second entry. 50 Cent's "P.I.M.P." replaces the modem noise from the first entry. In case you didn't know, they're tight. Seriously. He is basically outlining his entire plan to assault Terry Bollea (which is Hulk Hogan's real name.) I sure hope the police aren't watching this, because should Mr. Bollea ever turn up dead I think we have a legitmate suspect. Of course, his plan backfires, as he pretty much tells Bollea that he'll never attack him. Nope, he's too busy "chillin with some women (devil horns!) (iz nt ghey! iz nt ghey!)." Once again with the bitch slappin', but he illustrates it by showing a normal slap. Weird.

dinoasskickingasaurus: Ok, that's kinda awesome. No joking. Now that Macho is done with Hogan, it's time to turn his attention to HHH. Apparently The Game called Macho a dinosaur once. Macho then goes on to say that he thinks that if HHH is not on TV every week in five years, then his brand value will come down a little bit. I'd say that's an accurate prediction, should that ever happen. Of course, if anyone's performance drops they should expect a decrease in pay, but hey, me and Macho are no economists! He then threatens to take Stephanie McMahon from him. I'm sure that will work out just fine.

The Kid: One consistent thing for all these videos is how terrible the quality is. This one is the worst. Seriously. LEARN TO WHITE BALANCE! IT'S NOT HARD! FLORESCENT GYM LIGHTS ARE BAD FOR CAMERAS!

Anyway, this is pretty much a rehash of the previous three. Hogan is a punk. HHH's girl is gone. But here are a few words from macho for us members to live by:

"Machoman.com does not like punks. We are men. We work hard. We play hard."


We work hard. We play hard.

"So Stephanie McMahon, get ready for the kid!"

Wait, that's an inconsistent statement...


Adam's video to Matt - the BWO on Raw




Matt's response...

Let me first say that I would have never been given this video if Adam didn't have a schoolboy crush on Stevie Richards. We're all about full disclosure here, so there you go.

Incidently, there is a gay pornstar named Steven Richards. In case you were thinking of doing a Google images search.

Some people might call this an invasion. Let me set that record straight. You take your cameras, drive up outside where a rival is hosting a live show, and commence in causing a ruckus, THAT'S an invasion. This is an invitation. The whole concept of things like this amuses me. For instance, why would you allow wrestlers to bust in during a show, command air time, and then subsequently schedule a match, all during a live broadcast? You do realize that you have a two hour show to do every week, right? Surely you had something planned for that whole two hours and didn't have some time to kill. Or do they just work out about half the show and then say, "Eh, we'll figure out the rest when the lights come on."

"Good work! Happy hour?"

Anyway, here we have the BWO, or Blue World Order (get it?? It's like the NWO, but with "blue" instead of "new"! Because it rhymes!), facing Nunzio. Oh, I'm sorry, I mean "Little Racial Slur." But that's not the best part of this video. It's everything that happens on the periphery. First, you have the greatness of heel Jerry Lawler at the commentator's table. Here's a sample of some of the things he says:

That should just be the B.O.

I'm real impressed (sarcasm included)

Say hello to the fat guy.

We're having some technical difficulties in the ring.

I've only seen Shawn Michaels do that to about a thousand people.

We need more of that Jerry. If anyone can play a good heel announcer, it's the King. But no. These days he's more concerned with puppies.

Can you blame him?

And then there's Raven, or the "David Koresh of Wrestling." I guess that's accurate. His career went down in flames too.

Above: Raven's house.

For some reason, we're also treated to a backstage commentary from Golddust, which, not surprisingly, has technical difficulties. Not sure why I'd care what he has to say about this match, but I guess he has every right to talk about it. I guess they ran out of room at the craft services table where the rest of the announcers are, but everyone knows if there's one thing that will spice up a match, it's this guy...


The best part of the whole video are the occasions where Vince refers to the NWO as a "clothing line," so as not to tip off the audience that there might possibly be another company out there, who might employ former wresters of yours, and who might have a stable that somewhat resembles the BWO. Because I definitely would have started flipping around to check that out.

And, incidently, how's it feel to get slaughtered in the ratings by a "clothing line"? Let's pray that Abercrombie and Fitch doesn't get the itch to start a little promotion of their own.


I bet it feels really good to be Vince right now and watch this video, because he can take this plucky group of young and hungry wrestlers and rather than give them air time, he can bury them on SciFi. I guess next time I want to see the J.Crew World Order versus Lil' Kraut, I know where to go.


I'm hungry...

Thursday, October 16, 2008

From Parts Unknown....

This may be old news, but it's an exciting time around the LOL, Wresslin' offices. That's because The Ultimate Warrior's ex-wife is shopping around a tell-all book about being married to a man who tied bicycle streamers to his arms! We normally are above such sensationalism, but something about this has us all jiggered.

Perhaps it's because the man formally known as Jim Hellwig is bat-shit crazy.

Now, we know you knew that. The man wears bicycle streamers on his arms. But there's so much more insanity which fuels our love for this bicycle streamer armed man. First off, his name actually is Warrior. We're going to repeat that. He legally changed his name to Warrior. He's also a hardcore, right winger, frequently speaking at fine institutions and bicycle streamer conventions everywhere.

And then of course, there's always this doozy.

The book seems to only recount the days that Mr. Warrior and Ms. Tyree were married, so it would appear that the above goodness will probably be omitted from the final copy. Which on first glance would appear to be a shame. But we know where the story goes. He's bat shit crazy. Let's see how he got there.

Our bet? Bicycle streamers on the arms cut off circulation to his brain.