R U READY TO DOWN SOME SMACK??? vol. 4 (Spooky Halloween Edition)

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coarsing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

Boo! Ha! Happy Halloween kiddies! Tonight's Smackdown is sure to be quite the treat as the WWE is coming off Cyber Sunday. We are beginning the build towards the Thanksgiving tradition known as Survivor Series, so let's get prepared by seeing how democracy in action affected the blue show!

Fans must have been in a festive mood, because they voted Jeff Hardy into the WWE championship match, despite how Vladimir Kozlov has been crushing lately. Kozlov only got 7% of the vote, because WWE fans still think we're in the Cold War. Seriously though, 7%? That's quite a lot of egg on that man's face. A nasty trick to be played for sure. They may as well have made him smell their feet.

Regardless, it was still a pretty good match, with the action being fast paced and a good story about Jeff trying again to climb the mountain. Good spot with him going for a second Swanton, since HHH kicked out of one during their last match.

Jumping ass first into a spread eagle HHH shouldn't look so painful, Mr. Enigma.

However, having an uncertain opponent was still no trouble for the Game. Know why? Because he's the Game!

Yawwwwwnnnnnn

Although Matt alluded to this in the Raw recap, all the lovely WWE Divas participated in a fan ballot Halloween costume contest, with the winner getting...umm...uhhh...some candy corn? I have no idea. Unfortunately, our Divas champion Michelle McCool did not win, despite her completely impractical solider costume. Oh, I'm sorry. Anytime a girl wears a costume it's called "sexy." Of course, in her case, I ain't complaining.

Not pictured: my hands

Mickie James is a Raw girl, so I should hate her guts, but I've got a major league crush on her, so I'm running this picture anyway. She's boo-tiful.

Call me?

The founding fathers felt that all (white) men should have the right to vote freely, and the WWE echoed their sentiment by allowing us to vote for the stipulation of the Big Show/Undertaker match. We have spoken, and we want a LAST MAN STANDING MATCH!!

Just do the Borat voice in your head, you stupid hacks

This match was the slugfest you expected it to be, with numerous standing eight counts. However, in the spirit of the season, the Dead Man came through by using an illegal choke hold to knock the Big Show down. Why do we cheer this rule breaker? Because this match had no holds barred!

Candy Orgy

What tag teams will begin to form for Survivor Series? Will Zangief finally get his shot at M.Bison? Will we ever find out what MVP did to be jobbed out again? These answers (possibly) and more, tonight 8/7 c MyNetwork TV!

Yo! It's me! It's me! It's "I- Can't- Read!"

There are some wrestlers, who despite over whelming odds still achieve success. They could be small guys who found a niche' and got over. They could be one legged wrestlers who go into programs with Vince McMahon and Brock Lesnar. They could even be notties who became hotties and then like to show up all the kids who made fun of them in school.

And then there are people like Diamond Dallas Page who got over for no discernible reason.

You know (tm), we don't think we're talking out of turn when we say DDP may be one of the worst world champions this side of The Great Khali (FYI, it goes David Arquette, DDP, Great Khali). But the question remains, why did he get his run?

1) It was mid-90's WCW.

While yes, WCW made some terrible booking decisions which ultimately led to their closing up shop, they still were a dominant force between 1995-9. So although Page never got a world title run until April of 1999, he was still a main event fixture.

2) He's charismatic.
Coming out to a public domain version of "Smells Like Teen Spirit" does not make you an edgy rebel that relates to the kids. Yelling "BANG!" does not make us think your hands are a gun. Self high-five? Really? When was that ever cool? And the diamond cutter logo is actually sign language for "vagina." Hope you knew that.

Pussy

3) Speaking of not knowing what things mean, DDP is an inspiration due to being illiterate until his 40's.
The man is a pro wrestler, not an astronaut. Seems like his only career choices were professional wrestler or working the ski-ball machine at Jenkinson's (Adam says "Keepin it local, son!"). Yet somehow, he headlines a tag match with fellow mush mouth Karl Malone??

Team Dyslexic

Diamond Dallas Page got two world title runs after the age of 40, was the second lead villain in the film Ready to Rumble, made boat loads of cash selling merchandise, and married her:

Call?

All while never carrying anyone to a good match, having the "I'm so cool I scream everything!" charisma, being from the Jersey Shore (Adam: Hey!), and not being able to read until his 40's.

Richard Pryor and George Carlin are dead, but Carrot Top shoots himself silly with steroids and is still alive. John Lennon takes multiple bullets, but Yoko Ono (standing right next to him) doesn't get one. Diamond Dallas Page wrote a book. There is no justice. God is dead, and we're alone.

Excuse us, we're going to go hang ourselves.

New tag team: Chin and Perm

BRRRR Abado! (tm)

LOL, Wresslin' keeps a keen eye out for those special times when the real world crosses paths with the wrestling world of Earth-53. In that unique nexus of universes, some of the greatest news is forged.

While we would normally take an article and provide our own sarcastic tilt to it, we think both TMZ and Idolator have done a fine job of that before we got to it. The rap group M.O.P., comprised of Lil' Fame (perhaps the most appropriate rap name ever) and Billy Danze, claim that Mr. John Cena's current theme song pilfers their hit(?) "Ante Up." More specifically, they are upset of the liberal use of the phrase "BRRR abado" throughout the theme song, and apparently each instance of its use is worth fifty-thousand dollars, coming to grand total $150,000 the group is demanding from Mr. Cena and/or the WWE.

I'm sure most of you find it hard to believe that Mr. Cena could be involved in any sort of foul play, and so do we, which is why we're choosing not to believe it. Not that the WWE hasn't done some shady things in the past, and this "phrase" could have very well been used without M.O.P.'s permission. However, we submit that you should examine the meaning behind what is otherwise a random grouping of letters. Just as no man can lay claim to the alphabet, neither do we think this trouble-making rap group can say that Mr. Cena is using their work without proving that he is using it the same way they did. Otherwise, Mr. Cena has changed the meaning enough to make it his own creation, something completely divergent from its original usage.

Here we have a sample of lyrics from the hit(?) "Ante Up":

Huh (huh) huh (huh) huh (huh) huh (huh)
Yeah (yeah) yeah (yeah) yeah (yeah) yeah (yeah)

Ante Up! Yap that fool!
Ante Up! Kidnap that fool!
Get him (get him) get him! Hit him (hit him) hit him!
Yap him! (Zap him!) Yap him! (Zap him!)

If you up in the club, back at your pis-tal money
Catch them fools at the bar for that Cristal Money

Now we'd like to present some lyrics from Mr. Cena's theme song "The Time is Now":

I got my soul straight, I brush your mouth like Colgate

In any weather I'm never better your boy's so hot
you'll never catch me in the next man's sweater

And talk about the bread you make but don't know the recipe for dough though
Aimin' guns in all your photos, that's a no-no

See? The fellas from M.O.P. are promoting the yapping and zapping of fools (we're pretty sure that's not good for the fool in question), carrying around pistols, and huhing and yeahing. Mr. Cena, on the other hand, talks about baking bread (presumably for the poor), not stealing other people's clothes, and promotes good dental hygine. Rather than being a rally cry for lawless behavior, "BRRR Abado" clearly means good health and strong family values.

We hope any jury would see that this lawsuit has no merit. If for some reason they don't, we're always looking for a payday, so let this be a notice to the WWE: Adam and Matt of LOL, Wresslin' have now trademarked the phrase "you know," and will demand only $10,000 each time a hack wrestler uses it to fill time during a promo. We're currently pursuing the trademark of "you see" and "let me tell ya something" as well, so enjoy them for free while you can.

Ka-ching!

W.W.W. featuring Goldberg/ Chris Jericho and Christian vs. Low Ki

On Wednesdays, we here at LOL, Wresslin' like to really pull out the stops and offer up a double shot of righteously killer content. Why Wednesday? Well, we could impress you with market research, work habit studies, and human psychology tendencies to show you there's a scientific reason the middle of the week is the best time to bring your A-game. However, truth be told, we don't have any of that stuff and settled on Wednesday because that was the only day that didn't have any content scheduled.

So, here you have "Watch Wresslin' Wednesdays." Please feel free to suggest a better title, because we are woefully uncreative when it comes to naming stuff.

Better at naming stuff then us

The idea of W.W.W. is we each send the other a video that is related to wrestling (a match, promo, interview, guest starring spot, etc.). The only restriction is that it cannot be user-created, so your custom Umaga Titantron ain't gonna fly here, pal. Neither of us know what kind of video we're going to get that day.

After viewing, we each write a response. This could be anything we choose: a straight commentary, a philosophical enlightenment, or classless ridicule. Just as we don't know what kind of video the other will select, neither do we know what the other will write or how they will write it. What you end up with is a mash-up of styles, which in our book equates to two-blogs-in-one, and we can take the rest of the day off.

Matt's video to Adam- Goldberg vs Chris Jericho (Bad Blood Promo)



Adam's response...

If there's one thing the WWE is good at, it's creating compelling story lines mixed with some of the finest athletic performances you'll see this side of basic cable. However, if there's another thing they do well, it's creating some pretty succinct and effective montages to hype various PPV matches. This particular montage is pretty amazing, recapping no less then four years of beef between Goldberg and Chris Jericho. This piece of video is so beautiful that I think the only way to express my glee is through the ancient Japanese art form known as haiku.

Goldberg riding in style.
A limousine for the champ.
Uh oh! Rental car!

Lance Storm, devilish heel.
Did he try to hit Goldberg?
One way to find out!

Squared circle settles
all problems. Spear! Jackhammer!
"It was Jericho!"


Sending a message
by trying to run over Goldberg
is a bit extreme.

A history of
friendship provides a rich
and deep back story.


Mid 90's WCW
means Jericho is shooting.
This is not a work.

Goldberg's disses are weak.
Jericho "ain't nothing but an
ass" is not clever.

Chris then runs in fear.
Jericholics are
embarrassed for him.

Oooooo, throwing paint!
Spearing Charles Robinson!
But that's Little Naitch!

Chris has poor logic.
Goldberg is so mad he will
make a mistake?

Bad Blood: An aptly
named pay-per-view event.
At least for this match.

Adam's video to Matt - Low Ki vs. Christian on WWF Metal



Matt's response...

I have to say from the very beginning that Christian comes out looking like about seven different people I went to high school with. No, not muscled up and wearing championship gold, but rather greasy hair and a shirt that is a little too see-through. Just had to get that out of the way, because I'm sure I'll be seeing some of them during a high school reunion.

As you've probably noticed, LOL, Wresslin' has a love-hate relationship with announcers - we love to hate them. This crack team does nothing to improve our impressions of them. Please note that Jonathan Coachman, a man who's Wikipedia page is littered with the word "former," and Kevin Kelly spend the entire first half of this match NOT PAYING ATTENTION TO IT WHATSOEVER. Apparently, it's far more important to put over a women's feud (featuring the most tenuous segue possible: "Hey, Christian's shirt is wet...you know who else had a wet shirt earlier this week?") and to discuss if Terri and Trish (oh, pllllleeeaaase call me) have a crush on Coach.

Good enough.

Author's note: My first appearance on television was of me holding a sign that said "I want to be Stratusfied" at a Raw event in Dallas.

Oh, and let's put over WWF Excess, because that's also far more important than calling the action in the ring DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF US. Anyone remember that show?

Exactly.

Oh wait! Did someone just take a nut shot? Well, now this is getting interesting. Eh, nevermind, let's talk about Kurt Angle now. Seriously, these two are about as effective at their jobs as a quadraplegic football player (unless he's the ball). Even when the match is coming to an end, and the spots are dropping left and right, this crew is talking about Triple H. Good job, gentlemen. I bet each of their closets are half-full of coffee stained shirts because they're both so inept.

Now, let's talk about the match; this barely four-minute-long slobberknocker. It's actually pretty good. Nice energy and decent spots. Low Ki (who's wrestled in just about every company and has changed the spelling of his name about as often) looked great as he always does. I wonder if it hurts to do those chops on that fishnet shirt.

Christian obviously has his peeps in the house. If that's not apparent from the sizable pop at the beginning, I'll point you to an exuberant fan who lets the world know of his overwhelming markness right after Low Ki is knocked off the ring apron. Allow me to translate:

"GEEEETTT HIMMMMM!! YEEEAAAAHHHHHH!!! CHRISTIIIIIAAAAANNNN!!! GET HIM!! GET HIM, CHRISTIAN!! YEAAAHHH, SON!"

Couldn't have said it better myself.

The King of the Jungle

Hopefully you're all aware that last night was Batista's first night on Raw as the new champion. We at LOL, Wresslin' thought we'd celebrate. If there's one thing we love, it's people who name themselves after animals. And not a particular animal, just any animal. You could say Batista pulled out a trump card and named himself after every animal, and we could say that as well. In fact, we will.

We thought it'd be appropriate to mark this momentous occasion by recalling Batista's long-standing love affair with championship gold. Like that loveable idiot at the grocery store who just can't seem to get the plastic bag for his vegetables open, he's going to stand there and keep trying until he gets it, damn it. Except Batista doesn't eat vegetables; he eats meat. Raw meat. Because he's an animal, you know.

A rather well-armed animal at that.

We'll start our trip down memory lane on April 3rd, 2005, when Batista challenged and won the World Heavyweight Championship for the first time by facing Triple H at Wrestlemania 21. Using the finest research tools at our disposal, LOL, Wresslin' has concluded that since that time, Batista has participated in 23 championship matches. Factor in he spent half of 2006 sidelined due to injury, and also strung together an impressive eight consecutive shots at the title, we would like to crown Dave "The Animal" Batista as the wrestler "Most Likely to be in a Championship Match in 21st Century."

This is Batista's fourth reign as World Heavyweight Champ, and we'd simply like to congratulate him. It reminds us of the old saying, "Even a blind squirrel can find a nut every once in a while," and sir, you seem to have found four.

"Care for two more?"

Nick Randy Orton big fan, Missouri knows what he likes.

As you should know by now, we here at LOL, Wresslin' have amazing, pre-cog like abilities to predict the obvious future. As Matt predicted in his Raw recap from last week, Stone Cold Steve Austin returned to the WWE sportin' a brand new shirt. Granted, it was a referee's shirt. But don't be discouraged, Stone Cold-iacs. You can celebrate the expected pop with a brand new Stone Cold tee shirt, available through WWE Shopzone!

Reviews are already coming in about how sweet this momentous day is. Check some out:

Reviewed by Garret, Jacksonville Il on 10/24/2008:
This is absolutely the best Stone Cold shirt ever I am getting this shirt for myself for Christmas.

WOW! Christmas? What a treat! That's only eight weeks away, though. Better start saving that $25 now, Garrett.

Reviewed by Nick Randy Orton big fan, Missouri on 10/25/2008:
WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!cool shirt

Well, even a super excited "WHAT" would be a question and not an exclamation, but we'll let Nick slide on that.


We kid because we love, of course. After all, who wouldn't be excited for a shirt with a 4 and 6/7 star rating? And hey, we have something in common with Nick Randy Orton big fan, Missouri. We know what it's like to be big Randy Orton fans, if you catch our drift.

Eyes up here, Buster!

OH BABY, I like it Raw! vol. 3

Matt and Adam take the brand extention very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coarsing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this blog, please press play and enjoy...



Tonight is sure to be one to watch. With the events of Taboo Tues-- er, Cyber Sunday fresh in everyone's mind, there's going to be a lot to talk about. First, there's Rey Mysterio versus Kane in a No Holds Barred match, which Jerry "The King" said favors Kane, but I kinda see that one the other way.


So they whip each other for a while, and Rey eventually gets the win, proving again that it is far better to hide yourself behind a mask rather than take it off and hope to be accepted by wrestling fans. The divas had a costume contest, which is to say they dressed provocatively and wore a some fake animal ears or something. Mickie James, a busty woman who's a little crazy and likes to fight, won by dressing as Lara Croft, a busty woman who's a little crazy and likes to fight (GO RAW!)

I know she's holding a carrot, but I just can't help but wonder...

Santino fought the Honky Tonk Man (you know, with all this Honk-a-Meter build-up, I really thought they were pushing for Piper). That match ended after two minutes with Honk winning via DQ. Nice way to service the fans.

Jericho was backstage demanding that Adamle get rid of the special ref stipulation for his match. Hey! That's what the fans were voting on! That's not right, Jericho, because that would only disenfrancise a lot of people who cast their vote and it may throw into question the credibility of this entire election. I don't really agree with you, and if you don't like it, that's just democracy. Love it, or GET OUT.

He had reason to be worried though, because it turns out Stone Cold Steve Austin was going to be the special ref. Sorry, Randy...we were pulling for you.

"I'm here if you need me..."

This match pretty much turned out the way you'd expect...

Told you he'd have a new shirt. Vertical stripes; very flattering.

So Batista is your new champ! Watch THE ANIMAL go crazy tonight at 9/8c on USA!

You really matter

As we're sure you're all aware, we have a very important vote coming up. The time for talk and argument is almost over, and real choices will need to be made. It has been very intense lately, with words flying back and forth; at times a truly brutal experience.

LOL, Wresslin' knows that sometimes you feel like your vote won't mean very much. You feel you'll be lost in the masses, and that your voice will be drowned beneath a mountain of others. Sometimes it feels the media is pushing one candidate harder than another; as if they have a vested interest in who wins. You feel the cards are stacked against you and whom you support. We get that, and we feel that way sometimes ourselves.

But as you can tell, we're never too downtrodden to think it's not important to voice your opinion. This nation was built on dissenting voices, and now is no different. LOL, Wresslin' believes strongly that even if you think you won't be heard, you're only truly silent when you don't speak at all.

Some of you have voted early, and kudos for that. Those of you that are waiting until the last minute, please follow through with the promise you made yourself, and don't let your duty get lost in the daily grind of work, chores, and booze. LOL, Wresslin' emplores you, whatever you do, don't forget to log onto WWE.com or use your cellular telephone and cast your vote for Cyber Sunday.

Does it seem obvious that everyone wants Stone Cold Steve Austin to be the special ref? Well, if you support Randy Orton, then let them know! (We'll spare you the ubiquitous Orton package pic) Most of the fans want Kane and Mysterio in a 2-out-of-3 match? Well, we'd like falls to count anywhere, we're with you. So don't fret, and let yourself be heard!

jk we won't lol

Hulk Hogan's CCW: Week 1

The first week HAAS come and gone for Hulk Hogan's new reality show on CMT (we remember a time when my Country Music Television actually showed country music videos, damn it!), Celebrity Championship Wrestling. If you need a reminder of what the show is about, check here. It has a rather unique premise: ten competitors split into two teams. Each team is trained by a professional, and at the end of the show, they compete in front of judges and a live crowd. We don't think there's ever seen a show like this before.

Err, uh...

The two teams are:

TEAM NASTY

Erin Murphy, Nikki Ziering, Dennis Rodman, Frank Stallone, and Dustin Diamond. Trainer is "Nasty Boy" Brian Knobbs.

TEAM BEEFCAKE

Tiffany, Trishelle Cannatella, Butterbean, Danny Bonaduce, and Todd Bridges. Trainer is Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake.

Really, what is there to recap? They introduced all the contestants. Bonaduce said he was willing to do things they won't show on television. We believe him. Nikki said, "I wish I could say I was a fan of wrestling, but I've never watched it." Seriously? If you really wish you could say that, it's not difficult to watch wrestling. All you have to do is watch it. It's not like she said, "I wish I could say I've climbed Mount Everest, but I've never tried." That's reasonable. That'd be a cool thing to wish for, but it's very hard. You gotta get to Nepal, and have guides and gear. If you wish to watch wrestling, all you have to find is USA or myNetworkTV (ok, that may be as difficult as finding Mount Everest).


The judges came out to tell them how hard the contest will be. That is to say, Eric Bischoff said all that; Jimmy Hart just stood there looking slick. Hulk Hogan came out and showed off the CCW Championship Belt that the winner will recieve. Awesome. They can show that off to their apartment roommates or use it as collateral with their landlord.

We, of course, believe in giving credit where credit is due, so here's the good: Bonaduce and Diamond. These two missed their calling. Both played heels in their respective match, and both sold it well.

As for the bad? Everything else. It's obvious where they were going from the start: most of the celebrities(?) didn't want to be there, they can't take a bump, and the girls are whiners (except for Trishelle, who spent a lot of time in tight sweats on all fours with her ass always facing the camera. Call?) The training and the drama are generic at best. The matches were ok for what they were, but could hardly be called entertaining. Nothing surprising about any of that.

So, the team that puts on the crappier match loses a teammate. The judges have the hardest job in this whole thing. They decided that Team Beefcake wasn't up to snuff, and Tiffany was eliminated. See ya, hun! I think you're alone now.

Tune in tonight, 8/7c on CMT to view the continued failure.

R U READY TO DOWN SOME SMACK??? vol. 3

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

Once a year, the WWE thanks us for being loyal fans by allowing us to pay $1 per text message so that we can decide various stipulations and opponents for a pay per view we pay $40 per view! But if that wasn't generous enough, we actually are allowed to vote for one match for free on wwe.com, provided of course we register and give the WWE our email addresses! And this isn't some jabroni match either! Real main event stuff! Big Show vs. The Undertaker, baby!

The Big Show decided to show off how tough he was by beating a few contractually obligated nobodies to near death. He beat up one guy in last man standing match, another in an I quit match, and knocked out another, which pretty much seems like the same thing as a last man standing match.

This is his usual first dinner of the evening.

Regardless, he sure looked bad ass beating up guys that were giving up 300 lbs. Way to go, Show. I'm sure The Dead Man is shaking. Wait, no he isn't! He's the Phenom!

Usually the ropes prevent people from falling outside.

We also got our first introduction to a brand new character who will grace us every Friday night! Kizarny the Pederast! He speaks with a lot of z's and continues the tradition of blue coller workers who moonlight as WWE superstars (entertainers?). Men like The Repo Man, I.R.S., Duke "The Dumpster" Drose, and The Undertaker all blazed the trail that Kizarny proudly strolls down.

Future World Champion

Since the show was in Las Vegas, Nevada, Smackdown GM Vickie Guerrero decided to have a punful match. Divas Las Vegas! Get it? Well, for some reason a bunch of divas had to grab some giant fuzzy dice (testicles) off a pole (phallus) to get a chance at Michelle McCool's Divas Title. Maria won or something, because...I have no idea.

I don't care if Maria isn't in the photo. It's a much better one.

In other news MVP must have stuck his balls in Vince's peanut butter, because he got dropped again, this time by R-Truth, who they don't even allow in the locker room! Have you seen him come to the ring?! He has to come through the crowd!

Scene from Breakin 2: Electric Boogaloo

Too inside baseball?

Finally, Vladimir Kozlov continued his reign of terror over Jeff Hardy as he essentially squashed the hell out of him. He is seriously campaigning hard for our hard earned American dollar votes. Sorry comrade, but the irony is far too thick in that previous statement. Maybe we'll give you some pity blue jeans and American Coca-Cola while we watch HHH and Jeff wrestle for the title ONE MORE TIME!! Seriously though, Jeff has gotten more shots at the strap then Batista.

Although seeing our hero lose to Ivan Drago was heart breaking, HHH thankfully sat in on commentary to entertain our ears. Thank God. I don't know what I'd do if I couldn't hear his voice once a week.

Free mustache rides

Cyber Sunday is this Sunday (oddly enough), so you better tune into MyNetwork TV, 8/7 c, or you'll have no idea what's going on at the PPV!

On the topic of commentors

No, not you lovable readers who never ever ever ever comment. We're talking about the men who tell us exactly what is going on in front of our very faces. They are the newscasters of Earth-53. Don't know what an arm bar is? Michael Cole is on the case. Think The Brian Kendrick is celebrating a tainted victory too much? Well Jim Ross will say what it is we're all thinking. How about Mickie James's rack? We don't even need to say it.

Of course, not all their work is outstanding. Too often the announcers will hype an upcoming event instead of calling what's in front of them. Sometimes explaining why Jaime Noble would want to go to the top rope is a little more important then explaining Kane's beef with Rey Mysterio. They also can fall into their own schthick too often. Call it the Sportscenter Catch Phrase-ization of all athletic broadcasts. Yes, JR has some nice down home yarns to spin, but sometimes it just doesn't play.

And what about the practical concerns? Shouldn't these men be impartial broadcasters? They act like they have money riding on the main event. Even worse, they are almost always strongly xenophobic. Any wrestler who happens to read a newspaper not named USA Today or The New York Post is a no good commie who hates America and freedom. Somehow a functional retard like Hacksaw Jim Duggan "saves the day" with his wood and flag, and then is "tragically beat down" when he does exactly what he's expected to do. Damn conservative wrestling media bias!

You know something, Jim Ross, Jerry Lawler, Michael Cole, and The Tazz... you make us sick.

You got your reality in my rasslin'

Let it never be said that the authors behind LOL, Wresslin' aren't serious folks. We are. There are a lot of things that we think deserve to be treated with respect and realistic expectations. Video games and blogging to name two. Professional wrestling is obviously not a third.

Now, that doesn't mean we don't want quality entertainment when we tune in each week, but there's a suspension of disbelief that we are aware of and welcome. Professional wrestling exists to give us cartoon conflict that we can't get watching boxing or UFC, and we don't want to just see two guys slugging it out and every match ending in a knockout. We also don't want to see Wile E. Coyote smashed to a pulp when he rides a rocket into the side of a cliff, or Bugs to be left with a bloody stump after sticking his index finger into the barrel of a hunting rifle. These are not things that we look forward to.

So it's a little disconcerting when we came across this article a few days ago. Vince wants wrestling to be "more real." Now, the article explains that he wants the wrestlers to work a little closer so the cameras don't catch phantom punches and the similar, which is fine with us. Anyone who watches wrestling on a regular basis has seen a whif or two, and reality always comes knocking at that point to dampen your experience. But the truth is we don't want our wrestling to get more "real," because part of what impresses us is the illusion of combat without the injury, and the over-the-top nature of the storylines, plot points, and maneuvers.

Above: reality

Vince, your product isn't supposed to compete with real sports; your product is supposed to entertain. If fans aren't watching, it's not because we don't want to see unrealistic moves or want to see guys hit each other more. It's because you're not doing a good job at what you're supposed to do well. By all means, make it look better if you can, but don't lose sight of why so many of us starting watching.

And please, don't let the Great Khali win every match because that's more realistic. The man can't even use a telephone.



Come on.

YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES

YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES!

HULK HOGAN SLOT MACHINES! OMG!






Also, in quick site news. We are sharing links with Wrestling Blog. If you want recaps that make sense or commentary on all the days news go to them. They are the sweet to complement our sour on the General Tso's Chicken combo of wrestling blogdom. Check em' out. Seriously.

W.W.W. featuring Bobby "The Brain" Heenan/Gorilla Monsoon and Lance Storm

On Wednesdays, we here at LOL, Wresslin' like to really pull out the stops and offer up a double shot of righteously killer content. Why Wednesday? Well, we could impress you with market research, work habit studies, and human psychology tendencies to show you there's a scientific reason the middle of the week is the best time to bring your A-game. However, truth be told, we don't have any of that stuff and settled on Wednesday because that was the only day that didn't have any content scheduled.

So, here you have "Watch Wresslin' Wednesdays." Please feel free to suggest a better title, because we are woefully uncreative when it comes to naming stuff.

Better at naming stuff than us

The idea of W.W.W. is we each send the other a video that is related to wrestling (a match, promo, interview, guest starring spot, etc.). The only restriction is that it cannot be user-created, so your photo slideshow of Trish Stratus thong pics ain't gonna fly here, pal. Neither of us know what kind of video we're going to get that day.

After viewing, we each write a response. This could be anything we choose: a straight commentary, a philosophical enlightenment, or classless ridicule. Just as we don't know what kind of video the other will select, neither do we know what the other will write or how they will write it. What you end up with is a mash-up of styles, which in our book equates to two-blogs-in-one, and we can take the rest of the day off.

Adam's video to Matt - Lance Storm accused of steroid use

This is a first for W.W.W., and considering this is only the third week that the feature has existed, this doesn't bode well for the future. We like to include the video from which we drew our inspiration to write; that way you can follow along and laugh with us. Now, the first week required a little extra effort, but we managed to get the video posted like good bloggers do. This time, no such internet trickery or technical savvy can help us, since YouTube has deemed to remove the video due to "terms of use violation." Don't believe me? Ok.

Not wanting to disappoint our faithful reader, and too stubborn to make a last minute change and pick a different video, we will soldier on and post just as we would have had YouTube not torpedoed our creativity.

Pictured: steroids, talent

FADE IN

INT--DINGY GYM, SOMEWHERE IN PENNSYLVANIA

FANS cheer loudly, smoke permeates the hall, as if several fires were started and suddenly extinguished. The ring is empty, and a sense of anticipation is palpable. Suddenly, LANCE STORM charges through the curtain, not quite running, but moving as if pushed by a unseen force. Something drives LANCE to enter the ring. His face a chiseled vision of seriousness.


LANCE is followed closely by DAWN MARIE, a figure of feminine grace and masculine features. DAWN is carrying a velvet bag.



LANCE enters the ring and grabs a microphone, stamping around like an angry bull from one rope to the other. DAWN watches in awe; this is a terrifying yet impressive scene of passion and excellence. LANCE speaks into the mic, as if hacking up a hairball.

LANCE
Tommy Dreamer accused me of using steroids!!

FANS shrug in apathy.

LANCE
Just look at me...if I used steroids, don't you think my career would be going a little better than it is right now? I mean, come on. However, I know we live in a terribly cynical world, and none of you can take me at face value, since you've all probably lied so much in your lives that you don't think anyone is trustworthy!

LANCE gestures to DAWN to come closer. DAWN walks over and reaches her hand into the velvet bag.

LANCE
So for all of you and for Tommy in the back, I've decided to take a drug test here in the ring!

DAWN produces a plastic cup of urine! DAWN parades it around the ring, like a perverted car model.


(Author's note: Dawn, if your career involves you carrying excrement in a velvet bag, do something else.)

LANCE
And when I say, "In the ring," I mean I brought this from backstage, so there's no way to prove when I did it or if this is even mine!

A FAN whistles and asks for DAWN's phone number.

LANCE
So now, Tommy Dreamer, you come down here and prove that you're not on steroids. I have an empty cup here for you! So get down here now.

Tension is in the air, smelling of body odor masked with High Karate. Suddenly, the camera cuts to the ramp/emergency exit and TOMMY DREAMER comes down wearing an ECW/upcoming PPV/local sports team shirt. TOMMY enters the ring and immediately attacks LANCE. LANCE takes a bump, because that's all he knows to do. TOMMY then sets his sights on DAWN, not intelligent enough to clear the ring. He grabs her and pushes DAWN around. FANS cheer because they plan on doing the same thing to their old ladies when they get home.



TOMMY gains control of the urine and stands over LANCE's unconsious body. He rips the top off the cup! TOMMY drinks the urine!!



Huh? He doesn't? I thought that was his gimmick. Ok, then...



TOMMY pours the urine on LANCE!! FANS explode in raucous cheering!!

TOMMY
I guess that just proves it's far better to get pissed off than pissed on.

FADE OUT

There. I did the best I could. However, we decided that since we couldn't produce the actual video of this scene, we'd give you something equally compelling. Have fun!



Matt's video to Adam- Gorilla Monsoon Makes Fun Of Heenan's Neck Injury By Patera


Adam's response...

Rorschach’s Journal. October 22^nd 2008, 0:10 into video- Craig DuJour’s newscast leaves a bad taste in my mouth. He wears a blazer with a WWF logo on it. Snazzy dresser. However, he is pampered and decadent, betraying even his own shallow, liberal affectations. Possibly homosexual? Must remember to investigate further.

News footage of a civilized debate between old colleagues is shown. Ken Patera claims Bobby “The Brain” Heenan sold him out. That his two years in prison was Heenan’s fault. Heenan does not take kindly to this. Whips him with belt. Heh heh. Not very smart, Brain. Man in singlet seems to choke out Bobby.

Rorschach’s Journal, October 22^nd 2008, 1:20 into video- Days later. The Brain has a sprained neck. Claims it feels as if it is broken. This I would like to see. Claims man named Hercules will take care of Patera. Claims Hercules is the strongest man. How convenient. I leave the human cockroaches to discuss their heroin and child pornography. I have business elsewhere, with a better class of person.

Rorschach’s Journal, October 22^nd 2008, 1:55 into video- Gorilla Monsoon enters the picture. I have often thought that the most terrifying combination of words in the English language is “Gorilla Monsoon.”

Better lock yourself in the basement.

Him and Brain engage in more bickering. I am sensing a pattern with Mr. Heenan.

Rorschach’s Journal, October 22^nd 2008, 2:25 into video- Heenan moves neck, despite claims of sprain. He is not an honest man. His contrast with Gorilla has taught me much. There is good and there is evil, and evil must be punished. Even in the face of Armageddon I shall not compromise in this.

Where did this air and who would watch this? Why is a news show sponsored by a magazine under the same corporate umbrella? This is illegal in accordance with the Fairness Doctrine. Although I do not like the liberal restrictions on free market news broadcasting, law is law, and it must be upheld. These are all perplexing questions that demand answers. There will come a day where the accumulated filth of all their sex and murder will foam up about their waists and all the whores and politicians will look up and shout “Save us!” And I'll look down, and whisper “no.”

Hurm.