W.W.W. featuring Headlock on Hunger and Kelly Kelly

On Wednesdays, we here at LOL, Wresslin' like to really pull out the stops and offer up a double shot of righteously killer content. Why Wednesday? Well, we could impress you with market research, work habit studies, and human psychology tendencies to show you there's a scientific reason the middle of the week is the best time to bring your A-game. However, truth be told, we don't have any of that stuff and settled on Wednesday because that was the only day that didn't have any content scheduled.

So, here you have "Watch Wresslin' Wednesdays," the ORIGINAL wrestling-themed, YouTube video comedic co-commentary. Please feel free to suggest a better title, because we are woefully uncreative when it comes to naming stuff.

Better at naming stuff than us.

The idea of W.W.W. is we each send the other a video that is related to wrestling (a match, promo, interview, guest starring spot, etc.). The only restriction is that it cannot be user-created, so your custom Bret Favre titantron isn't going to fly here, pal. Neither of us know what kind of video we're going to get that day.

After viewing, we each write a response. This could be anything we choose: a straight commentary, a philosophical enlightenment, or classless ridicule. Just as we don't know what kind of video the other will select, neither do we know what the other will write or how they will write it. What you end up with is a mash-up of styles, which in our book equates to two-blogs-in-one, and we can take the rest of the day off.


Matt's video to Adam- WWF Headlock on Hunger!


Adam's response...

Right now there is a lot of attention placed on charity and social activism, so it's of little surprise that Matt sent me this video about WWF's charitable endeavors. Don't worry. I won't be making any Haiti jokes. Not because I find them inappropriate, but because I'm really not clever enough to come up with anything funnier than "Earthquake, lulz."

Still, even the Laugh Twins have a bit of a conscious and I find it a tad tacky to talk about the deaths of seven million people (lulz?), so just know that there are many ways to donate and we won't link to them because, well what's the point? If you come here for breaking news on Haiti, well, thanks, I guess.

On to the topic at hand! Headlock on Hunger!

(t-b) Headlock, hunger

As far as charity drives go, this one sucks. It just seems as if no one has a clue what to do. Take a look at our opener, Tatanka:

"This is Tatanka, and my people speak to the Great Spirit for blessings! We at the World Wrestling Federation appreciate your help for people that are less fortunate than us. Lets get a hold on headlock for hunger! YIYIYIYIYIYIYYYYI!"

That first sentence has nothing to do with anything. And then he gets the slogan wrong, by saying "get a hold on headlock for hunger!." But you know (tm) what the real travesty is? This is pretaped! Someone could easily have said "Hey Chris, umm, let's do that again. And it's 'Put a Headlock on Hunger!' Ok, Headlock on Hunger promo take two and....action!" But nope, they just did one.

The second stars of this were of course Paul Bearer and The Undertaker. Apparently all the hungry people dying in Somalia are causing the Undertaker to have too much of a workload so he needs these people to eat a sandwich. Way to trivialize a very serious issue, Titan Sports.

Of course, the next great star of this piece is none other than Irwin R Shyster, IRS himself!

Scott Hall thinks that that is his bar tab

Look at him, staring at that huge, tax deductible check. He's so angry. Oooo, the heel heat he must be getting right now! If anything, he wants Somalia to job to hunger!

But the real stars of this piece? Why, all the champions in the crowd.


Seriously, if any of these greedy asses would stop buying gold belts and donate that money Somalia could eat for a decade.


Adam's video to Matt - Kelly Kelly trying to be a news anchor



Matt's response...


I suppose a little bit of disclosure is needed here. I've just been terrible at providing content this week. I didn't get up a recap on Monday and even this bit is late. I could blame it on a number of different things that I've had to deal with this week (not the least of which was my birthday on Monday - thanks for the well wishes, readers! /sarcasm), but honestly, it's just poor time management. For that....well, I'm not really all that sorry. What do you want for free comedy? Pay me, and then we'll start to talk priorities.

On to the video. Anyone remember Channel One? I'm not sure how ubiquitous that was, but if you went to school with me, you knew about Channel One. Quite simply, it was a short news program for kids in school. The good part was we got to take time out of our day to watch the thing, and it wasn't necessarily that bad. A lot of big talent either came up through Channel One, or lended their time to it, like Anderson Cooper, Dan Rather, Maria Menounos (former Raw co-host!) and Lisa Ling. Essentially, it was a dumbed down news show which attempted to keep you up-to-date with world events, and would also include little bits about "cool" sports and "fun" activities.

Excuse me while I make a masturbatory motion with my hand in mid-air.

Somehow I can't help but wonder what would have happened to Kelly Kelly had she gone the Channel One route. We'd have to work with her delivery though...

Let's bring that paper down just a bit, k?

Overall, I guess I would give her a B- on this performance, greatly held up by the fact that she's stupid hot.

Now, as for "This is Genius"? I think I might disagree with that title. Cute enough idea for a bit, I guess, but in the end, what do you have? A couple of people cracking up over a story about tanning salons. Wooo-hoo. That's good television, hipster lumberjack.

He's ok.

At the very least, have her read a story that you can later edit to make it sound like she said something dirty to you. Now that would be genius, my friend. "This is Amateur" is what the show should be called.

Or Wrestlegasm.

W.W.W. featuring RVD and Jay Lethal

On Wednesdays, we here at LOL, Wresslin' like to really pull out the stops and offer up a double shot of righteously killer content. Why Wednesday? Well, we could impress you with market research, work habit studies, and human psychology tendencies to show you there's a scientific reason the middle of the week is the best time to bring your A-game. However, truth be told, we don't have any of that stuff and settled on Wednesday because that was the only day that didn't have any content scheduled.

So, here you have "Watch Wresslin' Wednesdays," the ORIGINAL wrestling-themed, YouTube video comedic co-commentary. Please feel free to suggest a better title, because we are woefully uncreative when it comes to naming stuff.

Better at naming stuff than us.

The idea of W.W.W. is we each send the other a video that is related to wrestling (a match, promo, interview, guest starring spot, etc.). The only restriction is that it cannot be user-created, so your poorly-edited explanation of Chris Jericho's "Save.Us" promos ain't going to fly here, pal. Neither of us know what kind of video we're going to get that day.

After viewing, we each write a response. This could be anything we choose: a straight commentary, a philosophical enlightenment, or classless ridicule. Just as we don't know what kind of video the other will select, neither do we know what the other will write or how they will write it. What you end up with is a mash-up of styles, which in our book equates to two-blogs-in-one, and we can take the rest of the day off.

Adam's video to Matt - Rob Van Dam and Booker T's Rocking New Year's Eve



Matt's response...

You know what I like about RVD? Well, first, I'll tell you that there's not too many things I like about him, period. His wrestling, while athletic and daring, is mostly stale, and he's in the bottom one percent for mic skills. Seriously, I think the Great Khali is better, and the most that he's said is screaming incoherently at telephones. I don't find him an entertaining character in the least, but other people do, and I think that those other people are stupid.

However, I'll tell you what I do like about him, and that's that he doesn't give a shit. RVD's job is to wrestle, and he's lost that job in the past because of his frequent, and public, drug use. Despite this, his user name on YouTube is "RVDTV420." 420, really? You know who celebrates 420, RVD? College students and the unemployed.

Let me amend that. Those are not the only people who celebrate 420; those are just the only people that it's somewhat acceptable that they should celebrate it.

Oh, and heads of state.

Here's another thing: this is a New Year's Eve video, presumably shot on New Year's Eve, and directly relevant to New Year's Eve. When did RVD think it was appropriate to post this 47 second descent into a pot-fueled madness? June 1st, 2009. Somehow, we're more timely than he is.

Also, where the hell is the Masterpiece? What has he got better to do? Why wouldn't you want to hang out with a bunch of guys who indulge you and actually refer to you as "The Masterpiece"?

Speaking of the Masterpiece, while "researching" this article, I came across the unofficial Chris Masters website, the banner of which informs me that Masters had sexual intercourse with my mother. I'm not sure how this fellow who runs the site would have that sort of information, but I'm just going to assume it's validity. MASTERBURN~! ONLINE also says that the Masterpiece hates HBO television series, and his penis is desired by no less than eight "hot" celebrities, such as Tara Reid, Alanis Morrisette, and Shannon Elizabeth.

This site is either the greatest true fan page in history, or a well-crafted satire, and I wish that somehow it's both, because it's genius on either level. For instance, we're given the definition of Masterglitter:

Masters's robe is made of glitter. When Masters takes the robe off, you can see bits of glitter on his awesome shoulders. That my friends, is Masterglitter.

He also gives us a few Masterburns, meaning times when Chris Masters totally put someone in their place, such as:

"Go ahead and have a seat, sir."

and...

"I got this one-way ticket to anywhere in the United States, because let's face it, anywhere is better than being in Omaha, Nebraska."

Well, RVD, Chris Masters didn't show up to your NYE party, so you might as well consider yourself Masterburned. Face! Masterface!

Matt's video to Adam- Black Machismo Jay Lethal Interview



Adam's response...

The video game TNA Impact! was released on September 9th, 2008. MikeReganGR (the interviewer in the video) decided to post this video to Youtube.



Listen, I can't blame him for keeping this one on the shelf for a while; it's pretty terrible. First off, his mic is WAY too hot. Second, he's a fat mess who should be....well something rather than seen. I mean, how could we miss something THAT huge, but you catch my drift.



Of course, Mr. Regan is not the only not-ready-for-prime-time player. No, Mr. Lethal is pretty terrible as well. Here are his first few words:

"Well....uhhh...so faruh...we've doneuh, um, the motion capture. Mo-cap is what they call it. "

Things noticeably pick up when discussion turns to The Machoman Randy Savage. And why shouldn't it? The Machoman is the best thing to ever happen to professional wrestling. Not Hogan. Not Bret. Not even LOL, Wresslin. Nope, it's Macho.

Seriously, in addition to being a former world champion, thespian, and Slim Jim endorser, he's also a master rapper. You know (tm) this. This is also why we here love Jay Lethal.

Yes, Mr Lethal is one of the 3,000 crazies who actually own Be a Man. I can send Jay Lethal a text message (we're both from New Jersey, natch) that says "Solemn Piano" and he will text me back "In today's news, Macho Man Randy Savage has signed a recording contract with Big 3 Records as a rap artist." Be a Man is a bond thicker then blood.

Also, Jay Lethal says he's not good at rapping, which is stupid because he's black.

Also stupid: Christopher Daniels cutting a promo to a venue that no one will ever see.

Even more stupid: Lethal saying that Hogan should "be a man." He's your boss now, dude.

Although that never stopped one guy

Making a first impression is key

Did you know (tm) that there are people who work for World Wrestling Entertainment who are not from America? It's true! Turns out the "World" in that title actually applies in this case. In fact, there have even been international champions, as Sheamus beat John Cena for the title this past Sunday! This was the first time this has ever happened, so hooray for civil rights (thanks Matt Striker!)!

Of course, we here at LOL, Wresslin' like to think of ourselves as worldly gentlemen. We do not judge others based on their race, creed, sexuality, gender, or in this case, nationality. But we understand that we're magnanimous people. Not everyone was raised in such excellent environments. So unfortunately, racism does exist, even in the world of wrestling! But how can you tell what kind of foreigner is coming to the ring? Simple! By the type of racially charged theme song he uses. Thus, working with the Academy of Wrestling Arts and Sciences, we have deduced the best racially motivated wrestler theme songs!

Funaki

What's that we hear? Is that a synth-pan flute? Did somebody invite Zamfir into WWE? Why no! It's just some Japanese dude coming to the ring! Of course! But they're hip and cool, as it's been ironically paired with hard rock power chords! Why Funaki couldn't just drop the Japanese influence in the song is beyond us.

William Regal (first theme)

What better way to get over the fact that William Regal is a poor, but tough scoundrel from Blackpool England then having him come out to some dandy fop garbage?

The Quebecers

Off key, boring, and slow? Must be a Canadian theme song! We're genuinely surprised the lyrics do not include the words "Hosers" "Molson" "Hockey" and "Eh." Still, nothing riles up the blood of a red-blooded American more than the sounds of the North!

Kofi Kingston

Make no bones about it; This song rules. However, it's certainly inaccurate. WWE officials basically looked at an African CPA from Boston and said "Eh, throw some green on him and it'll be like a Bob Marley concert mixed with Cool Runnings. They'll never know the difference!" And lo and behold, Kofi Johnson Kingston was born! We'd like to see a legitimate pothead like Raven come out to a song like this.

Iron Sheik

Sitar? Check. Gong? Check. Ominous tone? Double check. Add that all together and you get America's worst first...brown people! Thankfully, the Iron Sheik himself is a bit of a pussycat nowadays. Or a drunk who says awful things on the record (we really need to make fun of him more.)

Sabu

Probably the best of the lot, because nothing about it is too offensive, yet it is uniquely ethnic. Basically, distorted guitars and an Arabian sax. Nothing much more to it than that. Of course, what else would you expect from the "suicidal, homicidal, genocidal, death-defying Sabu!"? Allow us to translate. Sabu will kill himself to ensure the death of you and your people. Praise Allah.

So what say you, LOLiacs? Did we miss your favorite, racist wrestling song? Let us know and we'll be the judge as to if it's any good. And no, the West Texas Rednecks "I Hate Rap (Rap is Crap)" does not count!

R U READY TO DOWN SOME SMACK??? Turmoil launched with a chair

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

Get this. We here at LOL, Wresslin' LOVE the interns at WWE.com. They come up with the most fantastic captions for their photo slide shows! Check out this Shakespearean gold:

Alternate caption: Punk can't handle the truth!

Anyway, Punk's methhead took care of the former TNA champion.

RAPE!

KANE! and MIKE KNOX OMG!!! had a match.



You know (tm) who are unintentionally hilarious with their captions? The WWE.com interns! Open up for these two-part whammer:

Ok..standard stuff so far...

Oh! May as well have just added in "Thick girls" and saved some space their, interns.

Thankfully, the three lovelies in the ring can all work it. So their stoutness will be off set. Kind of like the WNBA; their strong fundamentals more than make up for their inability to dunk. Of course, this being wrestling, there is invariably an unfair advantage in these non-sexual threeways. Basically, the two bad girls beat up the good girl. Beth Phoenix should pick up the win because she's older and more experienced then Natayla, but Natayla, being a reasonable person, also wants to win. What ever is going to happen?

Using the finest research tools at my disposal, I recently learned that Beth Phoenix once had that weird nickname for some reason.

So Mickie James wins! She's going to take on the heel champion at the next PPV (this Sunday!) What were the odds, that the face (the wrestler we all cheer for) would take on the person we want to see lose MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD!? Thankfully Mickie James will go into TLC this Sunday with class.

Can't start a fire. Can't start a fire without a spark...

In other title news, John Morrison defended his pride in a non-title encounter with some dude named Drew McIntyre. That has to be a fake name or something. Drew McIntyre. What's that short for, AnDREW, you fruit. Still, I never heard of him before, but he looks mighty good getting kicked in the face.

Yea!

Awesome!

And you know (tm) who is stupid? So so so so so stupid! The interns at WWE.com! They consistently have the WORST captions ever for their slideshows. And don't get me started on their composition!

Really, WWE.com? We couldn't see it. You just had to tell us!

And finally, our World Heavyweight Champion (as opposed to any other weight class wrestling has now), The Undertaker, was about to address his challenger Batista with some scary fog and thunder. That is, until Big Dave came out and bludgeoned Taker with the most lethal weapon of all; the chair!

You know (tm), because it's a chair match.

Oh my! We have never seen the Dead Man take such a beating! What heat on The Animal! I want to spend money to see what happens next!



Before that though, watch Smackdown! 8/7c on MyNetwork TV. Or just avoid it on hulu.com!

R U READY TO DOWN SOME SMACK??? Hungry Animal heading to WWE TLC

SEASON'S BEATINGS!!!

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

In all honesty, I have no idea why I'm even doing this. Apparently Matt doesn't need to recap Raw, so why in the blue hell would I need to recap Smackdown? And I hate this crap now too! You people are so lucky I've decided to bless you with my comedy brilliance. How would you ever LAWL @ Wresslin' if I wasn't here to brighten your miserable lives?

So CM Punk came out to call us all drug addicts again, but this time, there was something new. He brought a friend! Festus! Hillbilly Jim! Luke Gallows! Turns out his previous mental retardation was due to drug abuse! But now that he's clean he's totally fine...which is just about how every former meth addict I know acts.

Well the camo pants do scream "Methhead"

Punk then makes fun of a new Jeff Hardy DVD, when all- OOOHHHH YEEEEEEEAAAA!!!!



Yea, Matt essentially tells the kids that it's cool to be like his brother Jeff and be a screw up. He then wrestles a match with Punk, who decides it's more fun to have Crackhead Festus interfere and beat the hell out of whatever dumb nickname Hardy calls himself now.

First rule of the zombie Apocalypse: Short hair.

Sex-ay

There was #1 contenders match in the middle of the show, as the world champion Undertaker's brother, KANE!, took on The Animal, Batista!

I FACE OFF WITH ANOTHER PERSON ALONE!!!!

You know (tm) what I never noticed before? Batista's trunks mirror his back tat.

Coincidence?

Also, I love the WWE.com interns, not just for the awesome title for this week's recap, but for this wonderful caption.

He's not any specific animal. Just an Animal.

By the way, that's how Batista won. Via sunset flip. KANE! can't believe it either.


Finally, our main event was the same main event from a few weeks ago. One half of the unified tag champs, Chris Jericho, took on the Undertaker. Batista decided to check it out on commentary.

Then the Undertaker played some of his infamous mind games with a spooky entrance.


I'll spare you the details, since one guy jobs all the time and one guy never jobs, but the WWE.com interns do rule.

That's actually a really great pun

Oh, and Batista interfered.

I yawn alone

Anyway, everyone is in Iraq, so I wouldn't expect the most stellar of Smackdown's tonight. Still, judge for yourself! 8/7c, MyNetwork TV! Or some other time on hulu!

W.W.W. featuring Christian/John Cena and Muhammad Hassan

On Wednesdays, we here at LOL, Wresslin' like to really pull out the stops and offer up a double shot of righteously killer content. Why Wednesday? Well, we could impress you with market research, work habit studies, and human psychology tendencies to show you there's a scientific reason the middle of the week is the best time to bring your A-game. However, truth be told, we don't have any of that stuff and settled on Wednesday because that was the only day that didn't have any content scheduled.

So, here you have "Watch Wresslin' Wednesdays," the ORIGINAL wrestling-themed, YouTube video comedic co-commentary. Please feel free to suggest a better title, because we are woefully uncreative when it comes to naming stuff.

Better at naming stuff than us.

The idea of W.W.W. is we each send the other a video that is related to wrestling (a match, promo, interview, guest starring spot, etc.). The only restriction is that it cannot be user-created, so your Tully Blanchard impression ain't going to fly here, pal. Neither of us know what kind of video we're going to get that day.

After viewing, we each write a response. This could be anything we choose: a straight commentary, a philosophical enlightenment, or classless ridicule. Just as we don't know what kind of video the other will select, neither do we know what the other will write or how they will write it. What you end up with is a mash-up of styles, which in our book equates to two-blogs-in-one, and we can take the rest of the day off.

Adam's video to Matt - Christian and John Cena rap battle






Matt's response...

Allow me to get real with you LOL Fans for a minute. You can blame me for the shoddy blogging this week. I wasn't able to do my weekly Raw recap and I'm the reason this post is showing up half a day late. What can I say? Real life happens, and Indian food just isn't worth the time spent away from everything else. Trust me. I will do everything I can get back in LOLing shape, because I know I'm depriving all three of you of some serious internet laughs.

That being said...RUCK FULES!

So this is when John Cena was the same guy he is now, but everyone liked him. Actually, I shouldn't say he's the same person - he did wear that chain. And the lock. Those are both very important.

It's on the cover of his DVD, for goodness sakes!

We're backstage before the Rumble, and we're treated to the obligatory "number drawing" routine. I hate this, let me just say. The paper clearly doesn't have anything on it. I wish it did. That would be interesting, having to adjust the match on the fly. However, this is just so scripted it hurts, and we're treated to one of two reactions from the wrestlers.

1. The fist pump and exaggerated "Yes!" Or,
2. The worried/serious/disappointed stare beyond the camera.

I don't know; maybe I'm that jaded fan know, but I think we all know the order is determined ahead of time. Just make a show of that to begin with. Have GM's screw superstars by giving them low numbers. Have matches not just for number 30, but also 25 or 26. They haven't done this bit lately, and hopefully it stays that way.

Now, as for the "rap battle"? Christian's was obviously supposed to be bad, and it was, so in that way, it was a success. I'll also tell you what made me Laugh Out Loud - "Tomko...give me a beat." That should never be said again.

As for John Cena's rap....well, I'm a little disappointed. You know (tm), he's supposed to be this amazing rapper, at least in the WWE Universe. He's supposed to be able to use his mind and extensive vocabulary to lay some sick burns on all his competitors, gaining that important mental advantage for his match. Let me give you some examples of his "sick burns." These are all within about 20 seconds of rapping:

• Christian shares a bed with Tomko
• Christian "goes down"
• Christian also plays with balls

Ouch. This hurts, because we all know being gay is really, really gross. Double that if your partner is Tyson Tomko.

Seriously, though, that was a battle? Sure Cena rhymed, but he couldn't get his mind off Christian's main peep, and that's just lack of creativity, my friend. At least now he has to keep it clean for the kiddos, but that barely constituted anything worse that what we wrote in the boy's restroom in fifth grade.

Ok, ok - what people wrote about me in the boy's restroom. Damn you Mom for dressing me in a matching blue sweatsuit!


Matt's video to Adam- Hassan Attacks The Undertaker






Adam's response...

I'll always have a special place in my heart for Muhammad Hassan. And not in an ironic "He's like Glacier, thus stupid" way. I really wanted that character to take off. Seriously.

Allow me to explain.

Both Matt and myself had a professor at college by the name of Ranjan Chhibber. He taught film and cultural studies. He also loved wrestling and comic books. It's not hard to see why we loved him. Anyway, Ranjan was not well liked by the college (I believe his last words were "F Women's Studies!") and eventually quit. And what job did he line up next? A WRITER FOR WORLD WRESTLING ENTERTAINMENT!

Ranjan accomplished two things while working for Vince: becoming friends with Paul Heyman and creating Muhammad Hassan.

Now please, give Ranjan some credit. When Muhammad Hassan debuted he was actually a fairly deep character by wrestling standards. In fact, he was perfectly reasonable. A Muslim-American who is upset about the way he's been perceived in post-9/11 America. I think that's kinda cool. If they decided to make him a face or a tweener it probably could have gotten a lot of great publicity for the company.

And you know (tm) what? He had some very valid points. If you got the time, watch this video of Hassan in "Stone Cold's Court."






How does THE BIGGEST FACE IN THE HISTORY OF THE COMPANY greet his guests? "I see sand people." Wow. Hassan then extends his hand, even after such bigotry, to be polite and how does THE MOST LUCRATIVE STAR IN THE HISTORY OF THE COMPANY respond? "I'm not going to shake your dirty hand because I don't like." Austin has never met Hassan before, so he is pre-judging him based on assumptions he already had. Disgusting.

Ranjan eventually got burned out, as many do, working for the McMahons and quit WWE. Alas, Muhammad Hassan was still there. Time now to turn him into a full on terrorist! Because he's brown!

Of course, the above video aired on broadcast television (well, UPN), on the same day terrorists bombed London, effectivly forcing WWE to bury Hassan and cut him loose.

R U READY TO DOWN SOME SMACK??? Destruction before Survival

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

It seems like I say this every couple weeks, but there's a show that you must pay for each viewing coming up this Sunday. This one isn't stupid though. Nope. It's one of the important ones! Survivor Series, where a lot of workers get a PPV bonus because of all the huge tag matches!

However, we must first talk about last week's Smackdown. It took place over in some rainy island that lost its empire. I'm pretty sure Ray over at Wrestlegasm was popping a major girl boner for her one chance to see CM Punk. Lucky for us, he didn't do much in last week on Smackdown, so we can talk about more pleasant things.

Like Mickie James.

Veteran"? Isn't that just code for "old"? It seems as if Mickie has heat with the interns of WWE.com too.

She wrestled Natayla, who is not remotely involved in Survivor Series. As such, you'd expect her to get her butt trounced, but no! Mean girls Michelle McCool and Layla decided to cut up Mickie James sparkle jeans! Natayla then locked in the sharpshooter, the move Shawn Michaels used to screw her uncle Bret out of the WWF Title at Survivor Series 1997.

Side note from the "Where are they know?" files: Did you know that Bret Hart eventually suffered a stroke?

Girls only care about clothes, lulz.

In other Ray boner news, WWE decided to split the crowd reaction and have two dudes from the UK fight. Scottish (right?) Drew McIntyre took on Irish (right?) Finlay in a fight of Twister level of epicness.

"Our beer is better, chap!"

Anyway, these two went so hog wild on each other's bodies that the referee ejaculated lost control and just disqualified both men. You know (tm), for a "future world champion" Drew McIntyre sure doesn't do much to make himself standup. If he debuted three years earlier he'd be part of the Spirit Squad.

That could have been Drew McIntyre

People love to pity Rey Mysterio, because his friends seem to turn on him all the time. Well you now (tm) what I think? What's the one constant in that equation? Maybe Rey is the problem!? Well, rather then be a rational adult and sort things out or avoid the confrontation, Rey is fighting his former friend Batista (he's bad now) at the Survivor Series. Well, only one way to make this official- contract signing!

Face=black

Heel=white

This contract signing was pretty mundane; no lawyers present, parties only need sign one line and not actually review the document, and no one notarizes it nor is an official witness. Just like when I signed my mortgage! And of course, the parties choose to yell at each other after they sign the document, thereby showing the mutual agreement that they both promised to uphold.

Or "I make a unilateral deal alone!"

And of course, it ends in a fight. Just like they teach you in law school.


The main event was World Champion the Undertaker taking on one half of the Unified Tag Champs, Chris Jericho, in OMG!!!111!!THEFIRSTTIMEEVER!!11!!!11!BBQSHIFT1ONE




Yea, sorry to say it, but this one was a little weak. Who would have thought that a World Champion, responsible for PPV buys, ratings, and being an overall merchandise mover who only has one hip could no longer have awesome matches? Common knowledge would make you believe that you have him put over other talent, elevating them as he slowly declines into poor health, but hey, this is WWE! Why bother planning that far ahead when they can just give away this match with hardly any build?

Oh, and Undertaker goes over in the match and THEN the Big Show interferes so Jericho can get his heat back. Because why have the match end in a no-finish when you can let Jericho job again, thereby leaving little doubt who will win on Sunday?

Step 1 of logical booking

Step 2

Oh, and speaking of heat...KANE!

Step 3: Profit!

There will be a tag match tonight with those four dudes. At least one of them can work! Avert your eyes to MyNetwork TV at 8/7c! Or log into hulu.com before they make you pay!