How excited are you? Seriously. This is a fantastic day! After months of waiting, the benevolent programmers at Viacom and Country Music Television bless us with Hulk Hogan Celebrity Championship Wrestling! Words cannot describe how amazing this is. Only simple mathematics can:
Glamor of Celebrity Fit Club + Drama of WWF Tough Enough + Star Power of Hogan Knows Best=
RATINGS GOLD
The drill of this is pretty standard. A bunch of has beens and never wasses compete in various self esteem destroyers so that we, the common people, can feel better about being fat and stupid. These "celebrities" will be competing for the honor or.... well for the prize of..... for the thrill of compe.....RATINGS GOLD
Ok, seriously. This is going to suck. Hard.
Ok. We have no idea what they're competing for. From the official CMT show description:
Anyway, since we here at LOL, Wresslin' find this to be pretty much the entire reason we exist, we will be extensively covering this series as it airs. Consider this the LOL, Wresslin' Manifesto. This is step one to getting our book deal (we're going to sell out faster than Garfield Minus Garfield and Stuff White People Like!). So, because we love you, here are the official rankings of who think will win, from last to first.
Ten brave celebrities come together to learn, train and compete in competitive wrestling while being eliminated one by one each week based on judges' selections and head-to-head matches with one another. World champion wrestler Hulk Hogan, former president of World Championship Wrestling Eric Bischoff and professional wrestling manager Jimmy Hart judge the celebrities on their performances throughout various challenges which include mastering complex wrestling moves, trash talk to intimidate the opponent and working a live audience. On the road to transforming them into wrestlers, the cast will be coached by former professional wrestlers Brutus "the Barber" Beefcake and Brian Knobbs.
The celebrities will be faced with exhausting challenges and elimination matches that will lead up to the heart-pounding finale that will determine the winner. The contestants will be divided into two teams, then taught the same set of moves to create the most exciting wrestling match against one another in an attempt to win over the judges and a live audience. Hogan, 12-time world champion, will be just as tough on the cast as he was on his challengers in a match, and each week the celebrity who doesn't bring their A-game will be thrown out of the ring. Ultimately only one will become the celebrity all-star wrestling champion.
10) Erin Murphy- She was Tabitha on Bewitched and has hosted various infomercials. She also contests on a bunch of third tier game shows. Yes, we had the same thought when we read her name: "Who?"
9) Todd Bridges- Horror movie rules: chubby black guy always one of the first to go.
8) Frank Stallone- And who will end being a loser again? You guessed, Frank Stallone. We kid. We kid. We bet he shows a lot of heart and determination, but just won't get it. Something tells us he'll get in a fight with Eric Bischoff and elect to leave the show.
7) Butterbean- This is a big (lol) shocker. He knocked out Bart Gunn at the Brawl for it All! It's only natural that Butterbean would be seen as a heavy (lol) favorite. This will be his downfall. Hulkamania only has one rule: no primadonnas. They're allowed one and have already filled their quota.
6)-4)- Tiffany, Trishelle Cannatella, and Nikki Ziering- Three women who have all been in Playboy are not leaving the show early. No way. No how. Think about it. They will all be sweaty, physical and buxom. They will also complain a lot which will cause "drama." This is all great television, but none of them has what it takes to crowned All-Star Wrestling Champion!Awesome Photoshop skills!
3) Dustin Diamond- The actor best known as Saved by the Bell's Screech is the wild card. He's antagonistic, surprisngly big, and anyone who's seen Saved by the Smell knows he's got balls. He's the heel of the celebrity wrestling stable and will surely be there at the end. He'd win this thing if it weren't for the following two studs.
2) Dennis Rodman- The Worm is the only true athlete in the bunch here. Five time NBA champion, best rebounder ever outside of Karl Malone and Sir Charles (the Round Mound of Rebound!), and he used to date Madonna and Carmen Electra (so you know he's got energy.) Most importantly, the man has headlined Bischoff produced WCW PPV's as Hulk Hogan's tag team partner. He's part of the New World Order, brother! He's a ringer, pure and simple. You don't have to like it, but you're going to learn to love it, because it's the best thing going, to-day!nW0 4 life!
1) Danny Bonaduce- This man is insane. We don't know if he knows this is a work.Tune into CMT (where?) at 8/7 c to share in the pain. We'll be back with recaps and insight as soon as we regain control of our faculties.
1 comment:
Awesome post, love the predictions I was laughing through the whole thing
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