OH BABY, I like it Raw! North of disorder

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

Time crunch, folks! That means lightning update! You can get back to your fried food that much quicker!

Raw was out of Calgary, Alberta, Canada, Earth last night, the stomping ground of one Bret "The Shitman" Hart. Of course, he wasn't there. Doesn't mean WWE didn't take advantage of the fans though.

Our guest host this week (last week!) was the late great Sergeant Slaughter! He was there to promote GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra!

Uh...what's that? He wasn't? Well, that doesn't make a whole lot of sense, seeing as how he was a GI Joe action figure and all. Oh, you mean he's not going to do that because WWE doesn't want to piss off JAKKS, the maker of their action figures, by cutting a deal to cross promote with Hasbro?

We'll always remember. But honestly, learn how to hold a nightstick.

Seeing as how the WWE can't leave these poor Canadian fans alone, Slaughter was cast as the heel for the night, constantly ripping on/telling the truth about Canada. Each segment started with him apologizing for the one before, then trying to set things right again, only to put over America even further. They even went so far as to play Bret Hart's music, then have Hacksaw Jim Duggan come out and wave the American flag. It was like all the fans in attendance were that dude from The Crying Game

Leave them alone. They've had enough.

As for the wrestling, I'll post this one picture...


...and then tell you that Miz won back his spot on Raw by posing as the Calgary Kid and winning a contract-on-the-pole by beating Eugene. But really, beating Eugene is like winning a wrestling match at the Special Olympics. Oh wait...

Randy Orton showed that he had a brain by doing what I always suggest to do: walk out on a match against the Big Show. Just leave. It's not for any belt, and even if you win, chances are you would get sat on at some point, so it's not worth it.

MVP beat Chris Masters. I wouldn't write more on that match even if I had all day.

Legacy beat Mark-swoggle and Hornswoggle. Of course, they didn't beat the Strongest Man Alive; they pinned the midget, also proving they have a brain. At least, one between the both of them.

At the end of the night, Cena won in a match against Chris Jericho thanks to Randy Orton. Slaughter saw this as an opportunity to put Cena and Orton against the Unified Tag Team Champions next week (this week!), at the announcement of which, the two rivals at SummerSlam starting clearing the ring together, looking like the best Tag Team in the last ten years. Seems odd considering Orton's persona, but who cares about consistency, right?

Oh, and Triple H found Shawn Michaels working as a cook at an office building cafeteria. They joked around. Shawn finally kicked his boss and a ten-year-old girl in the face, and it looks like HBK will be showing up at SummerSlam, just like the promotional material said he would.

Ok, tune in tonight, as guest host Freddie Prinze, Jr. will put his own sta-WHAT?! FREDDIE PRINZE, JR.?! I don't even think I can watch tonight at 9/8c on USA.

OH BABY, I like it RAW! vol. 12

SEASON'S BEATINGS!

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...



There's this concept in all forms of entertainment called a "build-up." The idea is that you don't put your best stuff first; you gradually work toward it, until the viewer/listener/reader is in such a fevered state of anticipation, they simply explode when you finally reach the climax. If I were any sort of writer, that's what I would do.

But I'm not.

You see, last Monday was December 22nd, but for fans of Raw, Christmas came early...

And so did I.

So how did this wonderful occurance come about? Well, we were in Toronto, a land of magic and of dreams. Where prayers come to be answered. Also, it's Trish's hometown, which only makes all those other things that much more true.

We kick off the show with Santino saying that he's going to reveal the secret of Santa Claus. Right, ok, Santino. And I guess you think wrestling is fake too, right? Psshhh. Italians...

Definitely not Italian

Our very own Mr. Cena has a problem with Santino the Grinch, and says he's not going to let him say anything about Santa. Santino has a problem with being told what to do. How will they settle it? Violence, of course! They decide to have a tag match: Santino and his boyfriend Beth Phoenix versus John Cena and any other diva of his choosing (I guess Santino counts as a diva now?) If you haven't figured out by now where this is headed, you're dumb.

Before we get to all that goodness, let's see what else happened in Rawtown last week: Turns out tonight we're having a series of matches to determine who will face Mr. Cena for his title at the Royal Rumble. There will be four matches, and the winners of each will be meeting in a Fatal Four-way (Why is it "fatal"? Did someone die?) The winner of THAT match will go to the Rumble.

Let's look at a couple of matches: HBK vs. Kane, and JBL vs. Rey Mysterio. Now, I'm not going to go so far as to say that the WWE is predictable, but considering that two of those guys have a storyline together, and the other two are battling an unknown boyfriend and height restrictions at Six Flags...well, it would be very nice if Michaels and Bradshaw advanced. Again, not to say it's predictable.

Not nearly as predictable as I am.

And guess what - that's exactly what happened! Shawn beat Kane, because Kane can't seem to capitalize on the fact that he's bigger and stronger than everyone else. And JBL won because Shawn punched him in the face.

What?

Right; in what seems to be the terms of his employment, Michaels came down to the ring just as it seemed JBL was about to have an area code dialed on his noggin, pulled him out of the ring and hit him. Which caused JBL to win via disqualification, and only reinforced the idea that in this country, Rey, hard work and willpower isn't nearly as effective as a good cheater. If you don't like our American way of life, well you can just GET OUT.

Manu lost to Kofi Kingston, and the time was primed for Sim Snuka to ask Randy if he could be a part of the New Kids on the Block. Disappointed by Manu's loss, Orton said that they might be looking for a new member, because you see, the New Kids hang tough, and if you don't have the right stuff to walk step by step with them, call it what you want, but you're going to have to face the music.


In another Rumble qualifying match, Orton was set to face Batista. Seeing as how Bastista had surgery this week to reattach his head after Randy punted him, he didn't show for the match. Orton won via forfeit, but still felt the need to give a victory speech. We never got to do that in Little League baseball.

Our last qualifying match was Chris Jericho and C.M. Punk. This was easily the match of the night. That Punk kid sure is swell - they should give him the belt some day. But not this time. Jericho caught Punk off the top rope for a Code Breaker and it was all over. Needless to say, that was pretty awesome.

...I just can't seem to find a picture of it...

Finally, Trish Stratus comes back in action. All joking aside, she looked good. Always my favorite diva, it was awesome seeing her back in the ring for a bit, and if she were doing it full-time, there's no question she'd be the best on the roster. But enough talk...

Let's just stare for a while.

Did any of you really think she was going to lose?

Will there be more Trish tonight? If not, there's still the internet, but find out at 9/8c on USA!

W.W.W. featuring The Rock and Stone Cold Steve Austin

SEASONS BEATINGS!

On Wednesdays, we here at LOL, Wresslin' like to really pull out the stops and offer up a double shot of righteously killer content. Why Wednesday? Well, we could impress you with market research, work habit studies, and human psychology tendencies to show you there's a scientific reason the middle of the week is the best time to bring your A-game. However, truth be told, we don't have any of that stuff and settled on Wednesday because that was the only day that didn't have any content scheduled.

So, here you have "Watch Wresslin' Wednesdays." Please feel free to suggest a better title, because we are woefully uncreative when it comes to naming stuff.

Better at naming stuff than us.

The idea of W.W.W. is we each send the other a video that is related to wrestling (a match, promo, interview, guest starring spot, etc.). The only restriction is that it cannot be user-created, so your compilation of every superkick ever delivered ain't gonna fly here, pal. Neither of us know what kind of video we're going to get that day.

After viewing, we each write a response. This could be anything we choose: a straight commentary, a philosophical enlightenment, or classless ridicule. Just as we don't know what kind of video the other will select, neither do we know what the other will write or how they will write it. What you end up with is a mash-up of styles, which in our book equates to two-blogs-in-one, and we can take the rest of the day off.


Adam's video to Matt - The Rock cuts a heel promo




Matt's response...

Well now. If this doesn't make you miss the Rock, I don't know what will.

This??

To set the scene, this comes during the Rock's last major run in the WWE, right after returning from filming the silver screen classic The Rundown. The Rock just beat babyface Hulk Hogan at No Way Out, and was given the choice to go anywhere he wanted. Naturally, he went to Raw, where the big boys hang out.

"Someone ask for me?"

This all leads up to a Wreslemania XIX match between he and Steve Austin (who will be featured on this very site mere moments from now!). The Rock must have really studied during his time as a professional wrestler, because he knows you don't just beat up a popular face to solidify yourself as a heel. No, you have to cut a great heel promo, and he does.

Heel Rock is only helped by the fact that Raw is broadcasting from Toronto, Canada, otherwise known as Bizarro America. You take anything that America likes, and Canada will hate it.

"I'm like you, only a little more...BIZARRE!"

To build on that foundation of dislike, Heel Rock hits all the major points for a good heel promo:

1. Deny the fans a cheap pop.
2. Insult the town.
3. Insult the fans.
4. Insult the country.
5. Insult the local sports team.
6. Insult a popular wrestler.
7. Elicit a "That's not appropriate" from J.R.
8. Be upset about something innocuous.
9. Revoke the fans sing-along privileges.
10. Pause for chants of "a-hole"

Let me talk about number 8 for second. Heel Rock starts by saying he's upset that Toronto fans booed him once before. Again, you're in Toronto. These people boo apple pie, so not that big of surprise. Then, he says he's upset because at the 10th anniversary show of Raw, he was not voted the Superstar of the Decade.

Really?

It's not like some jabroni won the award. Stone Cold Steve Austin did, and I'd venture that was a pretty close vote. It could have gone either way, I'm sure. But Heel Rock is upset and goes on to say that Steve Austin is nothing.

What? What?!

Now listen here, Rocky. I was sort of on board you being mad at Canadians. And I was willing to let it slide that you're upset about losing Superstar of the Decade. But Stone Cold is nothing? No, I will not stand by that.

Let's consider that statement too: if Steve Austin is nothing, what does that make you? Runner-up to nothing? Oh! Ha ha ha ha! Fatal flaw in your logic, my good man. Clean my monocle for me, won't you?

Your move.

Honestly though, Heel Rock does what Heel Rock does. He talks and no one can match him. The only thing we're left to do is be as helpless as those poor Torontians, whose only course of action when chanting fails is to hold up hurtful signs. Take these for example...


You got that right, sir. The Rock certainly a assclown. And you are a illiterate Canadian.


This fella is creative. Not only does he print out a picture of the Rock to paste on there, but instead of simply writing "You sold out," he writes, "The Rock $old out." You get it? Because the dollar sign looks like an "S" and he's talking about money! It's so appropriate! Where's your buddy with "Rock is a @ssclown" sign?

Finally, the Rock leaves us with one question to ponder - can you smell what the Rock is cookin'?

Yeah. Pancakes, Rock. Pancakes.

Matt's Video to Adam: Stone Cold Steve Austin destroys Tazz



Adam's response...

Before I get into my video I'd just like to say how astounded I am at how similar the two choices are this week. Both videos deal with the two biggest stars of the 90's and their respective heel turns in the early 2000's. Purely coincidental. I'm sure Matt will mention this as well.

Anyway....

So one week ealier Stone Cold Steve Austin beat down Michael Cole just because he can. Nice. We all had a good time with that one. Well, that is everyone but the Human Suplex Machine TAZZ! In addition to letting people survive, The Tazz is also a color commentator on Smackdown. So he might not appreciate it when his broadcast partner is flogged by the WWF champion. He might just have to interrupt a Stone Cold promo on Booker T.

What? What? What? What? What? What?

Stone Cold does not have time for this. He only has eyes for Booker T. So unless Booker T got real short and real fat....haha! Get it? All ethnics look alike! Cheer! Cheer! This goes perfect with his character. Remember when he played a CO in The Longest Yard and just said the word "nigger" over and over again to Nelly?? Or the time he told Muhammed Hassan that he "saw sand people" and wouldn't shake his "dirty little hand", despite having never met Mr. Hassan before, and essentially pre-judging the man?? Oh that Stone Cold is a character, a'int he?!



All Tazz wants from Stone Cold is an apology for Tazz's little buddy. And if Stone Cold won't do it willingly, then Tazz may just have to BEAT one out of him. And if he has to do that, he'll BEAT him for Stone Cold's WWF title. Umm...how does that work? "Give me what I want or I'll do something to get even more than I want." That doesn't make sense. Eh, I guess they know what they're doing.

Oh snaps....title match. Here it comes. Anytime, anywhere...wait...not tonight!?!? What??? BOOO!!!!!!

Stone Cold answers back with a sick burn. "Take a look, cause this is the closest you'll ever get to the WWF title." How true.

Oh, what a clever ruse by the champ. Time now for a shanking by Stone Cold on Tazz. In the ring. Out the ring. With his hands. With a weapon. Over on the announce table. Wow, one dude seems kind of into it. Allow me to translate this redneck's delightful squeal.

Yea Steve! Get 'em! Yea! Yea! Yea! Yea! Yea Steve! Yea! Kick his ass! Yea!

Now that the Tazz is dead it's time for Michael Cole to get some diss-a-pline (phonetically spelled). How is him attacking Michael Cole even allowed? Seriously, does signing a contract with the WWF, even in a non-wrestling capacity, waive the organization and its other employees of any liability? How is Austin not in jail for this assault? How has he not had any court ordered therapy? The man clearly has emotional issues.

Oh thank Jehovah, Booker T to the rescue. Where's his shirt?

Oh wait...he's wCw! Boo! Get em, WWF locker room! Yea! Yea! Yea! Yea Bradshaw, Rhyno, Raven, and Taka! Yea! Kick his ass! Yea!

They got Booker on the run, but luckily Shane O' Mac is waiting for him with the wCw1!. But hurry Booker! "Oh Jesus!" Run! It's Hardcore Holly and Funaki! Whatever will we do??

Fin.