The perks of being a champion

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We all know that everyone wants to be a champion. Why else would someone compete for WWE unless they wanted to prove they are the best. Of course, not all titles are created equal. No, they all contain different benefits and deficiencies that have never been officially revealed. Until now that is. We Laugh Twins have ninja'd our way into the WWE Hall of Fame (it does exists, just not for you, Superstar Graham) and found a sacred parchment outlining the rules WWE holds dear. So be thankfull, but let's keep this one a secret, ok LOLiacs?

Intercontinental Champion

Champion of all landmasses, excluding the United States, which chooses to have their own champion (more later). The IC champ must learn the languages of the world and be present at all secondary functions of importance. Basically, if the Duke of Wales is throwing a party, expect to see Rey Mysterio there for a photo opportunity. As champion, he is part of a time share for a Swiss ski cabin and has a book of discount travel coupons.

United States Championship

The US champion is responsible for representing the ideals this great nation was founded on. He must uphold free speech, carry a gun, and count Negros as 3/5's of a person in all Census counts. He also must make sure these are in only the most pristine of conditions. However, it's not all Fox News watching and border wall building. No, the US Champion is often consulted upon to help form future policy in all wrestling legislation. He also can cut the line at any cafeteria he wants and gets an extra pudding!

ECW Championship

The main perk is having a say in Sci-Fi/Syfy's programming. If this was known earlier we could have telegraphed Matt Hardy's heel turn, as he was responsible for Battlestar Galactica's cancellation. Other then that, the ECW champion is worthless.

Women's Championship

Champion of all women. If she is pure and virginal, it is foretold that she will Immaculately Conceive the Savior's return. If not, she will oversea the work done on clothing repair/cleaning, grilled cheese sandwich preparation, and boo-boo fixing. For being champion, the National Organization of Women provide her with a celebratory terry cloth robe, foot soaking tray, and a GPS so she no longer will get lost when driving. Best part is, she can keep them all even if she's no longer champion! Multiple time champions receive a silk robe and $2,000 American Express gift card upon their third and seventh title reigns.

Diva's Championship

Upon winning the title, the Diva's champion is given a $40 iTunes gift card and VIP passes to VH1's annual "Divas Concert." She is responsible to dress like a whore and playfull flirt with all men. Sleeping one's way up to women's championship is encouraged, but not required.

Tag Team Championship

World Heavyweight Championship

He is champion of all landmasses and the seas. Dines with kings and queens, but can also feast on pork and beans. The World Heavyweight Champion is a gentleman and a scholar. He is also Ambassador of Earth for the Galactic Council. Meetings often adjourn with beatings. He is given the best of all fringe benefits. Firstly, the world champion is allowed one free Motorhead performance at a pay-per-view per year. He also has access to a network of spies to do background checks on anyone he chooses. The World champion is given a 1973 Cadillac El Dorado convertible for every title reign. Ric Flair has sold them all, in an effort to not leave memories alone.

World Wrestling Entertainment Champion

The face of the company; responsible for ratings and PPV buy rates for his period as champion. Subject to performance review. Also has a seat on the board of directors. Benefits include WWE paying for his MBA for a post wrestling career and increased merchandise production. Also gets the largest Christmas bonus. WWE also provides the champion with a company car and boat, and membership into an exclusive Greenwich country club. One day a year Vince McMahon will be his caddy, turning the tables on the other fifty-two.

Ask us? Being a champion is worth every sacrifice.