OH BABY, I like it RAW! vol. 12

SEASON'S BEATINGS!

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...



There's this concept in all forms of entertainment called a "build-up." The idea is that you don't put your best stuff first; you gradually work toward it, until the viewer/listener/reader is in such a fevered state of anticipation, they simply explode when you finally reach the climax. If I were any sort of writer, that's what I would do.

But I'm not.

You see, last Monday was December 22nd, but for fans of Raw, Christmas came early...

And so did I.

So how did this wonderful occurance come about? Well, we were in Toronto, a land of magic and of dreams. Where prayers come to be answered. Also, it's Trish's hometown, which only makes all those other things that much more true.

We kick off the show with Santino saying that he's going to reveal the secret of Santa Claus. Right, ok, Santino. And I guess you think wrestling is fake too, right? Psshhh. Italians...

Definitely not Italian

Our very own Mr. Cena has a problem with Santino the Grinch, and says he's not going to let him say anything about Santa. Santino has a problem with being told what to do. How will they settle it? Violence, of course! They decide to have a tag match: Santino and his boyfriend Beth Phoenix versus John Cena and any other diva of his choosing (I guess Santino counts as a diva now?) If you haven't figured out by now where this is headed, you're dumb.

Before we get to all that goodness, let's see what else happened in Rawtown last week: Turns out tonight we're having a series of matches to determine who will face Mr. Cena for his title at the Royal Rumble. There will be four matches, and the winners of each will be meeting in a Fatal Four-way (Why is it "fatal"? Did someone die?) The winner of THAT match will go to the Rumble.

Let's look at a couple of matches: HBK vs. Kane, and JBL vs. Rey Mysterio. Now, I'm not going to go so far as to say that the WWE is predictable, but considering that two of those guys have a storyline together, and the other two are battling an unknown boyfriend and height restrictions at Six Flags...well, it would be very nice if Michaels and Bradshaw advanced. Again, not to say it's predictable.

Not nearly as predictable as I am.

And guess what - that's exactly what happened! Shawn beat Kane, because Kane can't seem to capitalize on the fact that he's bigger and stronger than everyone else. And JBL won because Shawn punched him in the face.

What?

Right; in what seems to be the terms of his employment, Michaels came down to the ring just as it seemed JBL was about to have an area code dialed on his noggin, pulled him out of the ring and hit him. Which caused JBL to win via disqualification, and only reinforced the idea that in this country, Rey, hard work and willpower isn't nearly as effective as a good cheater. If you don't like our American way of life, well you can just GET OUT.

Manu lost to Kofi Kingston, and the time was primed for Sim Snuka to ask Randy if he could be a part of the New Kids on the Block. Disappointed by Manu's loss, Orton said that they might be looking for a new member, because you see, the New Kids hang tough, and if you don't have the right stuff to walk step by step with them, call it what you want, but you're going to have to face the music.


In another Rumble qualifying match, Orton was set to face Batista. Seeing as how Bastista had surgery this week to reattach his head after Randy punted him, he didn't show for the match. Orton won via forfeit, but still felt the need to give a victory speech. We never got to do that in Little League baseball.

Our last qualifying match was Chris Jericho and C.M. Punk. This was easily the match of the night. That Punk kid sure is swell - they should give him the belt some day. But not this time. Jericho caught Punk off the top rope for a Code Breaker and it was all over. Needless to say, that was pretty awesome.

...I just can't seem to find a picture of it...

Finally, Trish Stratus comes back in action. All joking aside, she looked good. Always my favorite diva, it was awesome seeing her back in the ring for a bit, and if she were doing it full-time, there's no question she'd be the best on the roster. But enough talk...

Let's just stare for a while.

Did any of you really think she was going to lose?

Will there be more Trish tonight? If not, there's still the internet, but find out at 9/8c on USA!