OH BABY, I like it Raw! North of disorder

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

Time crunch, folks! That means lightning update! You can get back to your fried food that much quicker!

Raw was out of Calgary, Alberta, Canada, Earth last night, the stomping ground of one Bret "The Shitman" Hart. Of course, he wasn't there. Doesn't mean WWE didn't take advantage of the fans though.

Our guest host this week (last week!) was the late great Sergeant Slaughter! He was there to promote GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra!

Uh...what's that? He wasn't? Well, that doesn't make a whole lot of sense, seeing as how he was a GI Joe action figure and all. Oh, you mean he's not going to do that because WWE doesn't want to piss off JAKKS, the maker of their action figures, by cutting a deal to cross promote with Hasbro?

We'll always remember. But honestly, learn how to hold a nightstick.

Seeing as how the WWE can't leave these poor Canadian fans alone, Slaughter was cast as the heel for the night, constantly ripping on/telling the truth about Canada. Each segment started with him apologizing for the one before, then trying to set things right again, only to put over America even further. They even went so far as to play Bret Hart's music, then have Hacksaw Jim Duggan come out and wave the American flag. It was like all the fans in attendance were that dude from The Crying Game

Leave them alone. They've had enough.

As for the wrestling, I'll post this one picture...


...and then tell you that Miz won back his spot on Raw by posing as the Calgary Kid and winning a contract-on-the-pole by beating Eugene. But really, beating Eugene is like winning a wrestling match at the Special Olympics. Oh wait...

Randy Orton showed that he had a brain by doing what I always suggest to do: walk out on a match against the Big Show. Just leave. It's not for any belt, and even if you win, chances are you would get sat on at some point, so it's not worth it.

MVP beat Chris Masters. I wouldn't write more on that match even if I had all day.

Legacy beat Mark-swoggle and Hornswoggle. Of course, they didn't beat the Strongest Man Alive; they pinned the midget, also proving they have a brain. At least, one between the both of them.

At the end of the night, Cena won in a match against Chris Jericho thanks to Randy Orton. Slaughter saw this as an opportunity to put Cena and Orton against the Unified Tag Team Champions next week (this week!), at the announcement of which, the two rivals at SummerSlam starting clearing the ring together, looking like the best Tag Team in the last ten years. Seems odd considering Orton's persona, but who cares about consistency, right?

Oh, and Triple H found Shawn Michaels working as a cook at an office building cafeteria. They joked around. Shawn finally kicked his boss and a ten-year-old girl in the face, and it looks like HBK will be showing up at SummerSlam, just like the promotional material said he would.

Ok, tune in tonight, as guest host Freddie Prinze, Jr. will put his own sta-WHAT?! FREDDIE PRINZE, JR.?! I don't even think I can watch tonight at 9/8c on USA.