W.W.W. featuring The Rock and Stone Cold Steve Austin

SEASONS BEATINGS!

On Wednesdays, we here at LOL, Wresslin' like to really pull out the stops and offer up a double shot of righteously killer content. Why Wednesday? Well, we could impress you with market research, work habit studies, and human psychology tendencies to show you there's a scientific reason the middle of the week is the best time to bring your A-game. However, truth be told, we don't have any of that stuff and settled on Wednesday because that was the only day that didn't have any content scheduled.

So, here you have "Watch Wresslin' Wednesdays." Please feel free to suggest a better title, because we are woefully uncreative when it comes to naming stuff.

Better at naming stuff than us.

The idea of W.W.W. is we each send the other a video that is related to wrestling (a match, promo, interview, guest starring spot, etc.). The only restriction is that it cannot be user-created, so your compilation of every superkick ever delivered ain't gonna fly here, pal. Neither of us know what kind of video we're going to get that day.

After viewing, we each write a response. This could be anything we choose: a straight commentary, a philosophical enlightenment, or classless ridicule. Just as we don't know what kind of video the other will select, neither do we know what the other will write or how they will write it. What you end up with is a mash-up of styles, which in our book equates to two-blogs-in-one, and we can take the rest of the day off.


Adam's video to Matt - The Rock cuts a heel promo




Matt's response...

Well now. If this doesn't make you miss the Rock, I don't know what will.

This??

To set the scene, this comes during the Rock's last major run in the WWE, right after returning from filming the silver screen classic The Rundown. The Rock just beat babyface Hulk Hogan at No Way Out, and was given the choice to go anywhere he wanted. Naturally, he went to Raw, where the big boys hang out.

"Someone ask for me?"

This all leads up to a Wreslemania XIX match between he and Steve Austin (who will be featured on this very site mere moments from now!). The Rock must have really studied during his time as a professional wrestler, because he knows you don't just beat up a popular face to solidify yourself as a heel. No, you have to cut a great heel promo, and he does.

Heel Rock is only helped by the fact that Raw is broadcasting from Toronto, Canada, otherwise known as Bizarro America. You take anything that America likes, and Canada will hate it.

"I'm like you, only a little more...BIZARRE!"

To build on that foundation of dislike, Heel Rock hits all the major points for a good heel promo:

1. Deny the fans a cheap pop.
2. Insult the town.
3. Insult the fans.
4. Insult the country.
5. Insult the local sports team.
6. Insult a popular wrestler.
7. Elicit a "That's not appropriate" from J.R.
8. Be upset about something innocuous.
9. Revoke the fans sing-along privileges.
10. Pause for chants of "a-hole"

Let me talk about number 8 for second. Heel Rock starts by saying he's upset that Toronto fans booed him once before. Again, you're in Toronto. These people boo apple pie, so not that big of surprise. Then, he says he's upset because at the 10th anniversary show of Raw, he was not voted the Superstar of the Decade.

Really?

It's not like some jabroni won the award. Stone Cold Steve Austin did, and I'd venture that was a pretty close vote. It could have gone either way, I'm sure. But Heel Rock is upset and goes on to say that Steve Austin is nothing.

What? What?!

Now listen here, Rocky. I was sort of on board you being mad at Canadians. And I was willing to let it slide that you're upset about losing Superstar of the Decade. But Stone Cold is nothing? No, I will not stand by that.

Let's consider that statement too: if Steve Austin is nothing, what does that make you? Runner-up to nothing? Oh! Ha ha ha ha! Fatal flaw in your logic, my good man. Clean my monocle for me, won't you?

Your move.

Honestly though, Heel Rock does what Heel Rock does. He talks and no one can match him. The only thing we're left to do is be as helpless as those poor Torontians, whose only course of action when chanting fails is to hold up hurtful signs. Take these for example...


You got that right, sir. The Rock certainly a assclown. And you are a illiterate Canadian.


This fella is creative. Not only does he print out a picture of the Rock to paste on there, but instead of simply writing "You sold out," he writes, "The Rock $old out." You get it? Because the dollar sign looks like an "S" and he's talking about money! It's so appropriate! Where's your buddy with "Rock is a @ssclown" sign?

Finally, the Rock leaves us with one question to ponder - can you smell what the Rock is cookin'?

Yeah. Pancakes, Rock. Pancakes.

Matt's Video to Adam: Stone Cold Steve Austin destroys Tazz



Adam's response...

Before I get into my video I'd just like to say how astounded I am at how similar the two choices are this week. Both videos deal with the two biggest stars of the 90's and their respective heel turns in the early 2000's. Purely coincidental. I'm sure Matt will mention this as well.

Anyway....

So one week ealier Stone Cold Steve Austin beat down Michael Cole just because he can. Nice. We all had a good time with that one. Well, that is everyone but the Human Suplex Machine TAZZ! In addition to letting people survive, The Tazz is also a color commentator on Smackdown. So he might not appreciate it when his broadcast partner is flogged by the WWF champion. He might just have to interrupt a Stone Cold promo on Booker T.

What? What? What? What? What? What?

Stone Cold does not have time for this. He only has eyes for Booker T. So unless Booker T got real short and real fat....haha! Get it? All ethnics look alike! Cheer! Cheer! This goes perfect with his character. Remember when he played a CO in The Longest Yard and just said the word "nigger" over and over again to Nelly?? Or the time he told Muhammed Hassan that he "saw sand people" and wouldn't shake his "dirty little hand", despite having never met Mr. Hassan before, and essentially pre-judging the man?? Oh that Stone Cold is a character, a'int he?!



All Tazz wants from Stone Cold is an apology for Tazz's little buddy. And if Stone Cold won't do it willingly, then Tazz may just have to BEAT one out of him. And if he has to do that, he'll BEAT him for Stone Cold's WWF title. Umm...how does that work? "Give me what I want or I'll do something to get even more than I want." That doesn't make sense. Eh, I guess they know what they're doing.

Oh snaps....title match. Here it comes. Anytime, anywhere...wait...not tonight!?!? What??? BOOO!!!!!!

Stone Cold answers back with a sick burn. "Take a look, cause this is the closest you'll ever get to the WWF title." How true.

Oh, what a clever ruse by the champ. Time now for a shanking by Stone Cold on Tazz. In the ring. Out the ring. With his hands. With a weapon. Over on the announce table. Wow, one dude seems kind of into it. Allow me to translate this redneck's delightful squeal.

Yea Steve! Get 'em! Yea! Yea! Yea! Yea! Yea Steve! Yea! Kick his ass! Yea!

Now that the Tazz is dead it's time for Michael Cole to get some diss-a-pline (phonetically spelled). How is him attacking Michael Cole even allowed? Seriously, does signing a contract with the WWF, even in a non-wrestling capacity, waive the organization and its other employees of any liability? How is Austin not in jail for this assault? How has he not had any court ordered therapy? The man clearly has emotional issues.

Oh thank Jehovah, Booker T to the rescue. Where's his shirt?

Oh wait...he's wCw! Boo! Get em, WWF locker room! Yea! Yea! Yea! Yea Bradshaw, Rhyno, Raven, and Taka! Yea! Kick his ass! Yea!

They got Booker on the run, but luckily Shane O' Mac is waiting for him with the wCw1!. But hurry Booker! "Oh Jesus!" Run! It's Hardcore Holly and Funaki! Whatever will we do??

Fin.