Death, Taxes, and WWE Stock

Not to get all spoilery on last night's Raw, but sometimes some things are just too big to sit on for a week. Yes, we now have a new owner of Monday Night Raw! Donald Trump sold it to rival wrestling promoter Vince McMahon last night. The King is dead! Long live the king!

"We're leaders-two kings!!!"

Still, WWE is a publicly traded company, and as such, has responsibilities to its share holders. Thus, who cares who the owner is as long as our bottom line (cause Stone Cold said so!) is in the black? Let's take a look at the last ten years of WWE's portfolio.

Just like that.

As you can see, WWE stock opened it's first week rather strong, with $24.00 being the price for just a little of that Smackdown action. True, it closed it's first month down $3 from that initial opening, but $21 a share times a few thousand is a pretty spicy meatball! Also, this was the month that John Carpenter (not of this fame) became the first millionaire in Who Wants to be a Millionaire? history. Obviously America was following him for financial advice at the time.

Thank God we're here to translate all these complicated algorithms for you.

This is the financial chart from the time WWE announced their purchase of WCW to the end of the "WCW Invasion" angle. A year and a half later and the stock has dropped six dollars. Still, it remains pretty consistent the entire time, which should not be a good thing due to the angle of all angles they should have been running. Of course, that logic is pretty sound, since the stock went up after the purchase, only to return to its old neighborhood once the public saw that it was failing.

It's like every time this happens the stock goes down

Oh those wacky wrestlers! What a bunch of jokers! Yup, remember when Mr. McMahon "died" in that limo explosion? Yes, when that happened WWE Corporate issued this press release. All in a days work for a wrestling show, right? Except there was one small problem; Vince McMahon is the CEO of a Fortune 500 company. When the head of the company dies people tend to lose faith and begin to jump ship. As exhibited by the above numbers. Thankfully, something else came along to distract buyers from these shenanigans.

Ooo..some good news!

Right. That unpleasantness. What's really astounding is how once the mass media went full on Chris Benoit coverage WWE stock dramatically rose. Then as the craziness died down, the stock dropped below its starting point of the time around the tragedy. Hmm, we guess there is no such thing as bad publicity...

Financial genius our ass

Finally, here are the daily numbers of Donald Trump's crazy week as owner of Raw. Yup, a dramatic decrease. Almost a full point. Could it possibly be because of this? Once again, a crazy wrestling stunt is leading the government to get involved because, hey, we're dealing with people's money here.

Still, most important in all of this is that Vince McMahon bought back Raw. And for the low, low price of double an "offer I couldn't refuse," as he said last week. All for a company that netted -$235,000 last night.

WWE stock! The smartest buy you can make!

OH BABY, I like it Raw! Trumping the competition

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...



Last week was the big three-hour edition of Raw, which included matches from Hackdown and ECW, so you can call it special if you want; I call it a waste of my time.

But Raw did have some pretty important things happen, the biggest of which is that the show was SOLD TO DONALD TRUMP. That's right - Vince McMahon decided to somehow sell one of the WWE's programs. We already discussed the ramifications of this on this site, so no point in me going into it now, suffice it to say we have a new man in charge around here.

Raw, however, wasn't going to let a shake-up like this keep it down, and they burst out of the gate with a Fatal Four Way to determine the new WWE Champion. I say "new" because Batista is out for a scheduled unexpected surgery on his arm. The title was vacated, so no matter what, we're getting a new champeen.

Understated, WWE.com writers. I like it.

Randy would eventually sneak in, like the "viper" he is, and pin the Big Show to the win the title. So two weeks after "Extreme Rules," the overall change to Raw is zero.

We like to mix things up around here.

McMahon introduces our new owner, and they have an awkward sounding conversation. It's almost as if Trump couldn't hear Vince at all! Like he was simply pausing to allow a response, and then going on with what he had to say! But then again, he seemed to answer Vince's questions....hmmm, technology is just so confusing.

Back to my moonshine!

Trump said that next week (tonight!) Raw would be aired commercial-free! That's pretty bold. What are they going to cut to when the wrestlers start putting a series of submission holds on each other, only to get back to the action five minutes later? I guess we'll have to find out.

However, Vince wasn't going to let this announcement outshine him just yet. He said there was going to be a 10-Man Battle Royal later in the night to determine an opponent for Randy Orton at "The Bash."

No.

They had a useless Divas match between Mickie James and Rosa Mendes. Mickie won. Maryse attacked her afterward. Does anyone care?

No.

Moving on, we have one of the more odd segments of the show. Goldust and Hornswoggle were shooting t-shirts into the crown, since apparently they have nothing better to do.


For whatever reason, the Miz felt this was his time to shine, and came out to cut his hundredth promo on John Cena. Goldust decided to speak for everyone in America, and said he thought it was a pretty tired bit and the Miz should stop. Of course, the Miz, being reasonable, took this advice and went on about his life not worried about Mr. Cena.


Or not.


That's right. He shot a midget in the crotch with a t-shirt fired from an air cannon. Way. To. Go.

Finally, it's the match we've been waiting about an hour to see - the 10-Man Battle Royal. We have some of Raw's greatest talent, like Big Show, William Regal, Matt Hardy, and the Miz. Who in the world might win??

Oh.

So yes, at the Bash we are going to have Randy Orton versus Triple H for the WWE Title.


What's that? Donald Trump says that match is actually going to happen next week (tonight!) and that it's going to be Last Man Standing match???

Be sure to tune in tonight at 9/8c on USA for no commercials and free PPV matches.

R U READY TO DOWN SOME SMACK??? Road to Raw

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

Yes, that's right. Smackdown was kind of about the three hour Raw from last Monday. I'm going to get to that because it's sort of relevant to tonight. Kind of like when we cover PPV's! Oh, and there's another one coming up like, next week or something! Jesus, there are way too many of those.


Anyway, a few notes from last week's Smackdown. We all know Michelle McCool is hot. That's a fact. Still, recently she's had a valet to the ring. I don't know why, but I'm digging it. Her valet is named Alicia Fox, and she wore an awesome shirt.

It'd look better on my floor

They won, or something.

There was also a pretty solid tag match. The World's Great Tag Team took on John Morrison and R-Truth!


The head Smackdown booker is Michael Hayes, a former wrestler who made his name in the 1970's Texas territory. He's also a well known racist. Seriously. So of course, this match was total black on black crime!

Dr. King must be rolling over in his grave

Once again, WWE.com interns caption brilliantly

But then, who get's the pin? The face WHITE man! Shenanigans! I call shenanigans!


Ok, so that should cover Smackdown. But what about the Smackdown bouts from Raw? Sure, Donald Trump may have gotten all the attention, but Smackdown clearly stole the show! First match of the night was another Rey/Jericho IC title classic!

Watching their matches feels like this (in a totally not gay way)

So once again, Jericho is going for Rey's mask. Hey, I can understand why he'd want to do that. And I can understand why Rey would want to keep it.


But you'd figure, if the mask is so important maybe he'd, I dunno, tie it i the back. Not just have Velcro chin strap. That makes it very easy to take off. There's a reason Batman doesn't have a chin strap for his cowl. It doesn't help. So at least put on some spirit gum.




And hey, check it out! Another World title match! CM Punk is here to prove he ain't a fluke, as he defends his newly won title in a three way match! Against the last two World champs! And they just gave it away for free on Raw! All to show off how much better Smackdown is! Awesome!

The joke is in the file name

Anyway, this match ruled. Everyone looked strong and really really really wanted to be the champ. Punk looked like a totally credible champion all night (dissing Matt Hardy before the match), but then banged his knee against the steel steps, essentially shattering any ability to walk again! At the very least he's out of the match. So naturally, Jeff Hardy and Edge start brawling one on one! We're going to have a new champion!

Wow! Another Swanton photo! Whoever is the WWE's main photographer could release a book just called "Swanton"

OMG!!! It's going to be Jeff Hardy! Wait! CM Punk just pulled Jeff out and rammed him into the same steel steps!

This pin makes me feel funny. I'm not sure if I like this CM Punk anymore...

He stole that pin! Jeff was going to be the champion again! Argh! I don't like where CM Punk's attitude is going...

Come hate CM Punk all over again tonight on Smackdown! 8/7 c (or whenever on hulu), MyNetwork TV (or hulu).

Trumped up changes

You may have heard that Monday Night Raw has been sold to billionaire Donald Trump. Apparently, Vince McMahon was tired of making money off his marquee show, and decided to give someone else a chance. Mr. McMahon announced this shakeup last Monday night, which led us to wonder, what's really going to be different about Raw from now on?

Actually, first we wondered how this was even possible. We weren't aware that each show was its own separate entity, able to be bought and sold like some sort of franchise. We're operating under the assumption that Trump now owns not only the brand, but the TV rights, wrestler contracts, and belts currently associated with the program.

Doing a little snooping, we were able to uncover an inter-office memo concerning some of the changes that Donald Trump was going to introduce to Monday's sole form of entertainment. He said this week that he was going to shake things around, and that certainly seems to be the case here. Let's examine a few of these alterations:

No more Smackdown stars on Raw - This seems like a no-brainer to us as well. Technically, they're a rival company now. Trump will now be competing for not only a higher profile, but better stars, and with his deep pockets and singular wrestling enterprise, he'd certainly be able to offer more than the McMahons could. So it seems only natural that he would not welcome a wrestler from another show, as it would only showcase talent not currently on Raw.

Miss USA and Raw talents combined - Trump also owns the Miss USA pageant, and the beautiful ladies of the contest and the theatrics of wrestling are a natural match. Beauty queens will be introduced into storylines, and some even utilized in the Divas matches. Miss Wrestlemania will be added to the Miss USA competition, and new talent portion will be added - "Promo cutting." Also, the differing opinions of the personalities involved makes for natural feuds.



Board room segment at the end of each show - This a hold-over from Trump's television show "The Apprentice." Each Monday, the losers of all the matches will be called into a board room, where Trump will meet with them and choose one to kick off the show. He will do this by uttering his trademarked catch-phrase "You're fired!"

What??

Appointment of a new Raw general manager - A new GM will be selected for Trump's one and only wrestling program. The memo states the candidate is known for his ability to back up his words with action when needed, and has worked for Trump in the past. Also, seeing as how Donald likes to do most of the talking, this person's soft-spoken nature is a perfect fit as an employee. Bobby Lashley will be the new general manager.

W.W.W. featuring The Bushwhackers and The Miz

On Wednesdays, we here at LOL, Wresslin' like to really pull out the stops and offer up a double shot of righteously killer content. Why Wednesday? Well, we could impress you with market research, work habit studies, and human psychology tendencies to show you there's a scientific reason the middle of the week is the best time to bring your A-game. However, truth be told, we don't have any of that stuff and settled on Wednesday because that was the only day that didn't have any content scheduled.

So, here you have "Watch Wresslin' Wednesdays." Please feel free to suggest a better title, because we are woefully uncreative when it comes to naming stuff.

Better at naming stuff than us.

The idea of W.W.W. is we each send the other a video that is related to wrestling (a match, promo, interview, guest starring spot, etc.). The only restriction is that it cannot be user-created, so your cover of Rick Derringer's "Real American" ain't gonna fly here, pal. Neither of us know what kind of video we're going to get that day.

After viewing, we each write a response. This could be anything we choose: a straight commentary, a philosophical enlightenment, or classless ridicule. Just as we don't know what kind of video the other will select, neither do we know what the other will write or how they will write it. What you end up with is a mash-up of styles, which in our book equates to two-blogs-in-one, and we can take the rest of the day off.

Adam's video to Matt - Family Matters "Psycho Twins"



Matt's response...
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Chicago's Don Nash Community Center for the biggest wrestling show of the night, WRESTLE-RAMA!! Before we begin, we'd like you to check under your folding chairs....one out of the record crowd of two-hundred fifty-six in attendance will get a two-for-one coupon to the California Pizza Kitchen! So check now!

Alright folks, we know you've been itching to get to this match. The "Match of the Century," if you ask us! That's right, these four titans will clash for a winner's purse of $350! In this corner, we have two retarded gentlemen from "Down Under," The Bushwhackers! And in this corner, what seems to be an overweight gentleman and a computer nerd who's clearly confused about his sexuality, the Psycho Twins! Who are neither "psycho" nor "twins," but give them a hand!

Alright, now stick with us a moment as we explain to them the second most basic match in professional wrestling, a tag match.

Ok, that's out of way let's get this thing started. Looks like the fat twin is going to start things off, and despite his significant girth, he seems to be holding his own out there. There's that solid submission maneuver, the "dry shampoo." Always gets his opponents to bend to his will. Now and Irish whip, and it seems someone in the crew forgot to tighten those ring ropes a bit. I'm sure that won't cause a problem later.

And look! He's going for a Figure Four leglock, the move made famous by the great Nature Boy, who's never been to a single Wresle-Rama! No wait, he's just going to hold his foot for a while. Not nearly as impressive.

Ok, we have a tag here to the lesser Psycho Twin. Not really a hot tag, but he gets a few arm drags in - some solid offense. He seems to be doing a rather good job here against a couple of legendary wrestlers like the Bushwhackers. He also seems to be doing a little strutting of some sort. Getting rather cocky, wouldn't you say?

Ok, the fat one is back in. And the outside members of each team have moved to the same corner of the ring. This could be explosive, ladies and gentlemen! They're so close, they could start to wail on each other right now! Oh no...they're talking. Seem to be having a nice conversation.

Wait a minute. It appears the mini Psycho Twin has said something to Bushwhacker Luke that has him upset. What's that he's saying? "Cocks"? I can't imagine why that has him so upset. Maybe the little one made some sort of proposition to him. In any case, the tables have certainly turned here at the Nash CC. The Bushwhackers have taken over the match, which makes sense, seeing as how they are clearly the better trained of the teams.

Hang on, pandemonium has broken out here at Wrestle-Rama! Though of course, this event is no stranger to wildness, I can tell you. It appears a couple of hooligans have entered the ring and are attacking both teams. They're either street toughs or Kid 'n Play. I can't be sure. This is madness, friends! Pure madness!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Alright, enough of that. Actually, I don't have much to say about the wrestling, but rather how this clip typifies everything I hate about sitcoms. We have two characters completely out of their element, yet they somehow are seeming to manage themselves rather well. Then we have the goofy character make a mistake, which causes things to go awry. Then we have the stupid characters try to help, but only end up making things worse. We have a young child telling the truth, only to be scoffed at by adults, and then later the adults are forced to recant their previous disbelief, of course pulling a silly face and dropping something they were carrying. We have exaggerated mannerisms. And the entire time, I can't tell if the characters believe that professional wrestling is real or fake. Finally, you have the two main characters trying to move while injured, causing them to wince in pain and only do things to hurt themselves more.

Oh, and we also have the pronunciation "ambahlance," which is just HYSTERICAL.

Seriously, give me the premise "Carl and Steve have to wrestle the Bushwhackers" and I would have given you every last plot point. Family Matters, I'm glad you're dead.

Matt's video to Adam- The Miz vs Scotty 2 Hotty



Adam's response...

The more things change, the more they stay the same. Sure, The Miz is now running a pretty high profile program with John Cena, but it's the same basic gimmick as today. The Miz is running some kind of "epic streak" which isn't all that epic at all. Get it? Because he's a cocky heel.

Or an asshole. Most likely that.

Don't believe me? Think he's just an effective heel? Well let's pull up some of "Mike Mizanin's" tweets.

welcome to the world of the miz. im awesome be jealous12:49 AM Apr 14th from mobile web

i love girl interviewers i start hitting on them to get them out of their element. so much fun. done with prague headed to serbia

@jimmyfallon best hangover remedy..before sleep take a multivitamin n two tylenol pms. every time u get up to pee drink a glass of water

im finally back in america and the only song thats goin through my head is america f*ck yeah...

That's not to say I don't give credit where credit is due. The Miz is decent enough in the ring, but this Mike Mizanin is pretty green. He botchs a lot of "athletic" moves that I couldn't do with months of training. Also, I actually like the announcers in this match. Well, not completely.

You see, Mike Mizanin is a heel. Always has been, always will be. But for whatever reason, Michael Cole (who is always a face play by play) is supporting the Miz. JBL, the heel color man, hates him. So that's an odd dynamic. Of course, JBL also spends most of the match putting himself over, so needless to say, I hate commentators not named "Bobby 'The Brain' Heenan" and "'Macho Man' Randy Savage."

Although it was kind of funny that JBL mentioned Nick Hogan since this match was a total car wreck.

As for the other unfortunate participant in this abortion, Scotty 2 Hotty. Well, I feel bad for him. He sort of got fired after losing this match. Can't say I blame WWE, though. I mean, if you're under The Miz on the food chain...

Wresslin' Rumours!

Life on the road is hard. But it's also fun! Yes, outside of the ring the wrestlers are real people with real quirks and some ker-azy stories.


Being the amazing journalists that we are, we've heard a few tales about wrestlers. Urban legends if you will. And although we can't substantiate any of them, we can pretty much sniff out a clunker when it hits our desks. Thus, for your enjoyment, here are a few "choice" wresslin' rumours!

• Andre the Giant once drank 314 beers in a 4 hour period and then had a glass of wine with dinner.
• JBL invented Mamjuana (boner juice) out of necessity, not a business opportunity
• Former WWE wrestler Renee Dupree had a habit for getting on the nerves of the boys in the locker room. He would not pick up his towels after a match. So many of the Smackdown superstars would communally defecate into his gym bag.
  
• Chris Benoit once took a young wrestler who was showing disrespect to "wrestler's court." As punishment, the rookie had to do 1,000 squats. Benoit did them all with him. The next day, Benoit made the rookie do 500 more. Years later Benoit would commit a double murder/suicide.
• Ring announcer Tony Chimel doubles as head of the ring crew for live events. Whenever they run in the Rockie mountain area, Chimmel likes there to be a little less space under the ring. This is so Hornswaggle well have less oxygen when he hides under the ring.
• Scott Hall has been known to take in the occasional libation. Jake Roberts too.
• After going AWOL from the Marines, Randy Orton served time in the Brig, Orton picked up an affinity for wearing only towels. This habit has influenced other young wrestlers.

Don't ask us how we got these.

• Tony Chimel frequently tips waitresses more then 20%. He'll often leave a picture of his erect penis with his hotel room number. He then enjoys taking the young ladies to Pittsburgh for a Platter.

• Perry Saturn, Shane Douglas, and Chris Benoit all would run a train on Nancy Sullivan during their time in WCW. Ms. Sullivan would later be murdered with her young son by her husband, Chris Benoit, who would later commit suicide.
• Rob Van Dam once got so high he tried to eat a baby. That's right, a California Cheeseburger.
• The Dynamite Kid used to wake his wife up every morning by pointing a gun at her and pulling the trigger. He would then say "One day it'll be loaded."
• Bret Hart has had the most tragic life in the history of history.
• Sabu will kill himself to ensure the death of you and your people.
• Tony the Chim once hit on Trish Stratus, but took it back once he realized she was a "filthy Canadian."
  
• Name a woman in wrestling. Shawn Michaels probably slept with her.
• Lillian Garcia is a post-op transsexual.
• Vince McMahon has had sex with every Diva except Gail Kim. Not all were consensual.
• Macho Man Randy Savage once seduced a 14 year old Stephanie McMahon. That's why he was fired from WWE back in 1994.
  
• Kurt Angle has taken so many pain killers he now knows how to make GhB.
  
• Tony Chimel set up Chris Benoit, who was accused of killing his wife and son, before taking his own life.

Wow! Fun times, right!?

OH BABY, I like it Raw! Game Changer

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...



Yes friends, you've made it back just in time for another recap of the greatest show on television, Monday Night Raw! Last week, we were hot off the heels of that long-standing wrestling institution, "Extreme Rules." What in the world could have happened?? I'll tell you...

We start the night with our new WWE Champion, "The Animal" Batista!! He came out to say how he won the championship for Ric Flair and all the fans and paused appropriately for cheers. That's nice and all, but we know the truth around here.


The Animal's acceptance speech didn't last all that long, because Legacy came down and kicked the crap out of him, and then did one of those things where you put a body part in a folding chair and totally step on the other end so it looks like it might hurt really, really bad.


Then Randy Orton grabbed Batista's arm and pulled it until it bent in the natural direction! Oh, but we're supposed to think he leveraged his arm against the chair and snapped it in half, so that's what happened. So Batista is taken out of the arena in an ambulance, and Orton picks up the title and walks away. Huh?? Is he champion now? I don't understand.

But apparently Orton does. He demands a match against Batista tonight (last Monday!) and says that if Batista can't make it to the ring, he wins. And Vickie Guerrero says this makes sense somehow.

No time to wonder about that, though. One-quarter of Jamaica's bobsled team beat England's own William Regal to keep his U.S. title, because we all know that people from the U.K. can't possibly amount to anything in the United States. It's a whole new world over here.

A dazzling place.

Kofi, naturally, was excited.


Another match for the Diva's title, against against Maryse, who I'm slowly growing attracted to, and Kelly Kelly, who I'm slowly following in my car. Look, you all know how much a fan of K-Squared I am, but let's be real - do any of us think she's going to be holding a title in the WWE?

No.

It looked like we were finally going to see some closure to this one-sided feud between Mr. John Cena and that doucher Miz. Mr. Cena, just off the phone with his folks, said that he would meet the Miz in the ring for a little grappling. When he went to do, that nasty bastard Big Show poked his face in and then beat up John Cena. And the Miz hit them both with a steel chair, because for some reason he's being allowed to do that.

Next is one of the more disturbing moments on Raw in a while. Vickie Guerrero came out to say that she'd be quitting as Raw GM, which, whatever. Good, I guess. Really, who cares?

But then Edge thinks this is a good time to add some insult to insult. He comes down and says the only reason he was married to Vickie was because of her power, because marrying a general manager of Raw does a load of good for someone on Smackdown. In any case, Edge says he's divorcing her.


And what did the WWE Universe do in reply?


That's right. They loved it. Here, in this ring in front of thousands of people, and millions more at home, this woman is having her life completely torn apart. Rather than a comforting look and uplifting applause, she's treated to a chorus of "Hey, hey, goodbye!" Imagine if that happened in real life. I would like to be the first to extend my hand in condolence to the former Mrs. Vickie Edge, and I wish her the best in the future.

I just can't win with guys named "Ed."
(Joke courtesy of Laugh Twin Adam)

Finally, we're at this confusing main event. Orton comes out, and then waits for Batista to appear. He of course doesn't, having gone off to have surgery to repair his torn biceps broken arm. The ref starts to count him out, until he sees an ambulance on the Titantron, the Animal's preferred method of transportation! He stops the count and waits to see what happens.


OMG OMG OMG!!! IT'S TRIPS!!!

That's right, Triple H has returned to Monday Nights, and needless to say, he came out and cut a swath of destruction in the ring.


Still, we have no clue who is WWE Champion, but that question will be answered tonight, on a three-hour edition of Raw, where all three heavyweight titles will be defended! Be sure to tune in early, 8/7c on USA!