Wednesday, September 9, 2009

W.W.W. featuring Sami Callahan and Bret Hart

On Wednesdays, we here at LOL, Wresslin' like to really pull out the stops and offer up a double shot of righteously killer content. Why Wednesday? Well, we could impress you with market research, work habit studies, and human psychology tendencies to show you there's a scientific reason the middle of the week is the best time to bring your A-game. However, truth be told, we don't have any of that stuff and settled on Wednesday because that was the only day that didn't have any content scheduled.

So, here you have "Watch Wresslin' Wednesdays." Please feel free to suggest a better title, because we are woefully uncreative when it comes to naming stuff.


Better at naming stuff than us.

The idea of W.W.W. is we each send the other a video that is related to wrestling (a match, promo, interview, guest starring spot, etc.). The only restriction is that it cannot be user-created, so your how-to on making an Iron Sheik Halloween costume ain't going to fly here, pal. Neither of us know what kind of video we're going to get that day.

After viewing, we each write a response. This could be anything we choose: a straight commentary, a philosophical enlightenment, or classless ridicule. Just as we don't know what kind of video the other will select, neither do we know what the other will write or how they will write it. What you end up with is a mash-up of styles, which in our book equates to two-blogs-in-one, and we can take the rest of the day off.


Adam's video to Matt - Sami Callihan vs. the Airhorns



Matt's response...

I'll be honest: the only reason I'm familiar with CZW, or Combat Zone Wrestling, because it was featured in The Wrestler when Mickey Rourke's character wrestled a stand-up fellow by the name of Necro Butcher. What that means, I don't know.


I set out to learn some more about CZW by checking out their Wikipedia page, but it became clear that it was written by someone in their PR department, if they have one. Take, for instance, the entry titled "Zandig hanging incident," where someone was hung above the ring by meathooks during a show.

The aftermath of the incident was negative, many fans even vowed never to attend a CZW show again. The company remained successful that year and had a sold out crowd for their annual Cage of Death show.

Take that, you fans with a sense of decency!

They also have a tag team named "2 Girls 1 Cup." Ok, ok. I get it. You're disgusting.

I can't really talk about their quality of wrestling, since that's not showcased here. No, what we get is a look inside the mind of the CZW fan. I don't care much about this Sami Callihan character; he's a douchebag and he's just one guy. However, the fans demonstrate that they are, in fact, scraped up from the bottom of the barrel.

Apparently, the airhorn is a thing in this promotion. They blow it during a big spot, such as when someone gets smashed with a fluorescent light bulb. But here, they've turned the tables on the wrestlers! They're going to blow it during a promo, if you can call it that.

This is what really turns me off to this whole thing, and why WWE will always be better. Sure the fans get a little rowdy from time to time, but for the most part we respect the product and enjoy watching it. It seems these guys just want to come and screw with the show. A show that, no matter how "hardcore" you think it is, is no more than backyard wrestling moved indoors, and that's only sometimes. Whatever you all think about WWE wrestlers, they can do more with a mic and without throwing each other through a pane of glass or into an electrified fence. That's not cutting edge or trendsetting. That's an easy way out.

They did, however, have a moment where there were competing "Asshole" and "Shut the fuck up" chants, and that's kinda cool.

Matt's video to Adam- Bret Hart Drawing Cartoons



Adam's response...

Bret Hart must have had a stroke in 1993.

That's the only explanation as to why he thinks he can draw. It has nothing to do with the fact that he does cartoon art either. I collect cartoon and comic art. I commission it from artists in the industry. So I should be sympathetic towards the Hitman's "talents." However, I'm not because he's really just awful.

Take for example, his sketch of the Undertaker.

And there's his sniveling, money tight, store owner Jew accomplice, Irwin R. Shyster.

Is that the Undertaker or an Islamic newspaper's political cartoon depiction of a rabbi? How about some more racial sensitivity from the Excellence of Execution?

"Me so solly, Hitman-son!"

That's Mr. Fugi? Maybe in a 1940's Disney/Loony Tunes cartoon it would be, but not 1993. Now, I know Mr. Fugi is a heel, and WWF was/is not the fore front of racial relations, but really Bret? You think that's ok to publicize? Still, it's not just your intent that's awful. Look at these two:

And there's the other Irwin R .Shyster ! One guess as to how I knew that.

This is actually a court room artist's rendition of how the divorce trial went.

You know (tm) how you can tell when an impression is bad? When it opens up with "I'm (X)!" The whole point of the impression is that the voice is immediately recognizable. So by writing "IRS" on a brief case, well, sort of negates the drawing, doesn't it Most Tragic Man Ever? Or how about, just in case someone misses the "Hulk" on the shirt, well it's also on the headband too!

Also, when you attest that Money Inc. doesn't like your drawings, well it's probably because they suck. Not because you're exaggerating Ted Dibase's nose.

Now, this is not to say that it's all bad. I give credit where its due (I am tough but fair!). First, you sketch in pen/marker, which is impressive. You also work off no photo reference, so the exaggerations can be expected a little. But it seems rather disingenuous when he's preaching that "everyone can do something" and for him that's art. I'm all for the sentiment that everyone can do something. Picasso can do art, I play a pretty mean bass guitar, Matt has his belly dancing, and Bret is a wrestler. Not an artist. Not a cartoonist. But a wrestler.

And possibly a doodler who could find a backup career doing caricatures on the Santa Monica pier.

By labeling this "Bret Hart" I kind of negate my above impression point.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

It's time to build a fence

The Wrestling Interwebz exploded the other day when news broke that TNA had released their top female star, former Knockouts champion, Angelina Love. Why did this happen? Did she get in a backstage altercation with Dixie Carter? Did she smoke a crack pipe in front of Jeff Jarrett? Did she date Kurt Angle? Unfortunately not. Turns out she's a Canadian and she never renewed her work visa.

Red, white, black...CANADIAN COLORS!

Angelina Love's reign of mooching off hard working Americans has finally come to a close. Scratch that. Angelina Love is perfect in every way. Lauren "Angel" Williams is the criminal here. Now you may be saying to yourself "Twins, what's the big deal here? It was a simple paper work SNAFU and it's not like she's hurting anyone. This will be sorted out soon and thanks to TNA's tape schedule, she might not even miss any TV time. Plus, she's got a great rack." Well you know (tm) what, idiot readers? It's a huge deal! Allow us to slap some truth in your faces.

1) She took jerbs away from good ole' Americans.

We here are gracious enough to let her legally work and earn money in our wonderful nation, and this is what she does? If she never had her visa sorted out did she ever pay taxes? That Universal Studios private hospital doesn't pay for itself!

2) She's Canadian. Health care is moot to her.

Shaddup, socialist!

3) TNA will suffer due to this.

Think about the Knockouts division for a second. Now remove your hand from your pants. Who's going to step up to take her spot, especially this abruptly? Who's ready? You could make an argument for Madison Raine, but she was just kicked out of the Beautiful People. Hmm..another egregious offense, if you ask us. So what's Velvet Sky and her fantastic rear supposed to do now? She's possibly so despondent she might even start dating the Hurricane for goddsake. What kind of friend does this to another friend?

4) Orlando area tattoo artists will have less work

Err, maybe not. Orlando and drunk girls seems to be a pretty steady business model.

Business Models

Kudos to President Obama and INS for kicking out another illegal! And kudos on the swift action by TNA management to take care of this issue too. We're sure we don't need to look into Dixie's lawn service now. After all, she testified before Congress! Only honest, hardworking Americans get to do that. Of course, you wouldn't know what that's like, would you, Ms. Williams?

Monday, September 7, 2009

OH BABY, I like it Raw! American nightmare

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...



This week's special guest was "The American Dream" Dusty Rhodes. Seeing as how his son Cody is in Legacy, I wonder what shenanigans will be in store for us.

And here I was hoping for polka-dots.

Sure enough, right out of the gate, Dusty is making a WWE Title match, pitting Randy Orton against the young Cody Rhodes. Naturally, Randy wasn't happy about this (I don't know why; it's not like he could easy beat him) and wanted the match canceled. But Cody thought he'd have a say in the matter, and that say was that he wanted to go through with it.


Also part of this match would be John Cena, serving as the guest referee, and Dusty himself in his son's corner. Things couldn't look worse for our champion.

Next is a six-Diva Battle Royal, with the winner going on to face Mickie James for the Diva's Title. For whatever reason, KK and Gail Kim came down together. I think I might know why...


Of course, Raw's resident female bruiser, Beth Phoenix, would come out on top of this one.


Last week (two weeks ago!), Jericho and Show lost to the newly formed tag team of MVP and Mark Henry. Looking to avenge half of that loss, Chris Jericho would face MVP. If you're thinking this might be up in the air because the Tag Team Champs lost to them last week, I'm not sure you understand who did the most damage in that match.

Hint: It wasn't MVP.

Yes, Jericho would win this one.

News flash, WWE interns: Jericho doesn't have sleeves.

Our next match is Chavo versus Hornswoggle. I normally don't mention these, because there's really no point, but seeing as how this match made last Friday's edition of The Soup, I figure I'll give you a look at it. Was it because of the impressive wrestling? Or maybe something crazy happened after the bell?

NO.

As a side note, one of the captions on the photos of this match read "Chavo doesn't seem pleased with the stipulations of this match."

Proving my point from just a moment earlier, in our next match, this happened:


Mark Henry would go on to win this one, but through a DQ because Show would smash his face into an exposed turnbuckle. So really, Mark Henry didn't win anything, showing again that despite being the "Strongest Man Alive," he's not intelligent enough to put together a decent match with anyone of any size. Seriously, I think ECW is looking for another jobber.


Oh, I'm sorry, big fella. Here, wipe your eyes.


The US Title was put on the line in a Fatal Four-Way, with Kofi, the Miz, Carlito and Jack Swagger. Since this isnt' a pay-per-view, Kofi overcame the odds and the title didn't change hands.

Aww, how'd you know I wanted a Manwich for dinner?

It seems that Diva's title match I told you about earlier in the night was going to happen now. So Beth Phoenix, after having beaten five other Divas to get a title shot, would have to turn right around and face the champion on the same night. Something smells fishy about all this...


Mickie would take advantage of her opponent being winded from earlier and retain her title.

Finally, it was time for the long-awaited main event of Cody challenging for the WWE Title with Mr. Cena as guest ref. Something smells fishy about this too, but it may have just been left over from that last match.

No, nevermind.

That's right. The whole thing was an elaborate set-up so Randy could get a little advantage over his Breaking Point opponent. Of course, never ones to let evil go unpunished, DX came out to even the odds.


They were beaten up too.

And proving again that "the Viper" can't be trusted, Randy gave an RKO to the man that made this all possible, Dusty Rhodes, just for the fun of it.

It was, as a matter of fact, out of nowhere.

Cody did nothing about it. That-a boy.

Tune in tonight, when our special host will be Bob Barker. I don't even ask why anymore. USA, 9/8c!

Friday, September 4, 2009

R U READY TO DOWN SOME SMACK??? Extreme Exodus

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

Lightning round because I'm busy and it's LABOR DAY!

So a bunch of stuff happened on Smackdown, but truth be told, most of it wasn't important. The only thing that really happened was CM Punk taunted Jeff Hardy about his world title victory over at Summerslam.


Jeff Hardy didn't really care too much.


But you know who did care? GM Teddy Long, who had it up to here with their constant fighting, and made a cage match with both their careers on the line.

Seriously Teddy, throwing them in a cage a few days after a TLC is pretty dick. If there were a union you better be sure they'd of filed an injunction.

Anyway, a bunch of cage match things happened.

Seriously Jeff, you have the leverage. The match should have been won there.

And now you have gravity too! How were you pulled back in?

Falling off the cage of a Swanton? You decide.

OH MY GOD HIS BACK IS BROKEN!!!!

Seems like you could have just gone out the door...

Sorry for the half assed Smackdown recap.


Maybe I'll do better next week? Couldn't be hard. I guess I'll have to watch MyNetwork TV at 8 to find out. Or go to hulu.com sometime this week!

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Red, white and boooooooo

A reminder that it's Thursday, and thus another night of TweetNA. In case you didn't follow The Laugh Twins on Twitter during the broadcast of TNA Impact, just head on over to our page, start your DVR (because we know you recorded it) and read along!

Now, sticking with our glut of TNA news, this interesting piece traveled across the wrestling wires today. Hulk Hogan and his friend Brian "Nasty Boy" Knobs were guests on the Bubba the Love Sponge radio program, as they tend to do. After all, what else are they up to? During the show, Bubba called up current TNA World Champion Kurt Angle, and the group chatted a bit.

Hogan suggested the he come to TNA and work an angle with Angle (tee hee), in which Kurt would eventually don America's colors again and turn face. We're not sure if this would involve a match, but one could only imagine what that would be like.


Kurt agreed that it would be a good idea.


The duo got so worked up about the idea, they tried to call TNA president Dixie Carter to pitch the idea to her. Her answering machine picked up the phone instead. Fellas, it's not that she wasn't in; she just saw the caller I.D.

While Kurt was on the phone, he and Hogan also took a little time to talk women...





You know (TM), on second thought, please put these two together for us, TNA. We'd have something to write about for the next year.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

W.W.W. featuring Steve Austin and Slick

On Wednesdays, we here at LOL, Wresslin' like to really pull out the stops and offer up a double shot of righteously killer content. Why Wednesday? Well, we could impress you with market research, work habit studies, and human psychology tendencies to show you there's a scientific reason the middle of the week is the best time to bring your A-game. However, truth be told, we don't have any of that stuff and settled on Wednesday because that was the only day that didn't have any content scheduled.

So, here you have "Watch Wresslin' Wednesdays." Please feel free to suggest a better title, because we are woefully uncreative when it comes to naming stuff.


Better at naming stuff than us

The idea of W.W.W. is we each send the other a video that is related to wrestling (a match, promo, interview, guest starring spot, etc.). The only restriction is that it cannot be user-created, so your roundtable discussion of you and your nobody friends a'int going to fly here, pal. Neither of us know what kind of video we're going to get that day.

After viewing, we each write a response. This could be anything we choose: a straight commentary, a philosophical enlightenment, or classless ridicule. Just as we don't know what kind of video the other will select, neither do we know what the other will write or how they will write it. What you end up with is a mash-up of styles, which in our book equates to two-blogs-in-one, and we can take the rest of the day off.


Matt's video to Adam- Steve Austin ECW Shoot Promo



Adam's response...

Here's the inherent problem with shoot interviews: once the business is exposed, it's nearly impossible to bring back any semblance of wrestling logic to the proceedings. Take for example, this promo. Some surfer dude named Steve Austin has a live microphone in his hand, and decides to talk about his time working in WCW. He explains all these ideas he has to be a main eventer, and then in an accurate Dusty Rhodes impression, explains why that was never meant to be. Ok, even though he goes into some specifics, it could still be ok to assume that the wrestling commissions need to approve matches. But then he goes into explaining how he needs to make Buff Bagwell look good (as if the American Males wasn't enough), or to give "seven minuntes" to Alex Wright.

Basically, Austin pulled back the curtain and said "wrestling's fake, LOLZ!"

Of course, everything should now fall apart. WCW was fake, but somehow succeeding in ECW is real? Not likely. However, this promo is what makes Steve Austin brilliant.

He never mentioned winning matches and titles once.

All he claims is that he was held back from realizing his potential. From being the biggest superstar in the history of the industry (...well when you're right you're right.) Sure, he gets across some angles and becomes a little more of a heel by crapping on the bingo hall, but for the most part, this interview is pure shoot.

Still, I don't see this being a prelude to Stone Cold Steve Austin. Sure, he speaks his mind, but there's none of the volume and over-the-topness that Stone Cold had. Which actually makes me dislike Stone Cold a little more. How awesome would a cold, calculating, serious Stone Cold have been? I know it's hard to say that almost anything involving Stone Cold is a failure (except this), so I'm not saying the WWF did wrong. I just think another dimension to the character could have been cool.

Of course, the one downfall of their being an awesome segment on WWW is that there are no jokes to be had. Except for one. Long, blond hair does not suit you Steve. Good idea to shave it off.

That outfit doesn't help either, Steve.

Adam's video to Matt - Jive Soul Bro music video



Matt's response...

I fully believe that WWF's album Piledriver could be fodder for this column until the end of time and beyond. Such a perfect union of 80's wrestling personas and terrible music can't be ignored or stopped. Just look at the album cover and see if that doesn't tell you everything you need to know...

The greatest music, all at your fingertips.

Sadly, the album has never made it to CD, and the videos have only ever been released on VHS, so YouTube is about the only way we really get to enjoy this fine production these days. All the better for us, I say.

How do you even go about commenting on this video? I suppose I could say what user "ne0nsurf" said:

slick, the only black person I actually like

See? He's not racist. He likes at least one.

But really, what better to do than break down the claims of our subject, Ken "Slick" Johnson, resident of Fort Worth, Texas. This Jive Soul Bro follows all the guidelines of a truly good heel manager: be as bombastic as possible and not back it up whatsoever.

In this instance, Slick says he can "dance and sing better than anyone." Let's put that to the test, shall we? I've gone through this video second-by-second and found four different dance moves in his arsenal.

#1 - The Foot Step


This is used in a variety of manners, but typically consists of simply lifting one foot, and then lifting the other. Could be confused with "kicking."

#2 - The Hand Crank


Imagine having to pedal a bicycle with your hands. You get the picture. Can be performed with or without a cane.

#3 - Walking


Combines the Foot Step with forward motion. Honestly, it's walking. Do I really need to explain this?

#4 - The Jumping Over a Kid on a Big Wheel

Nice screenshot, shitdick.

Alright, I'll admit, this one is pretty advanced. Good moves.

Now, for the singing. Well...


Imagine anything musical coming out of that.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Dear Sting....

We get a lot of fan mail sent to lolwresslin@gmail.com. Inexplicably though, a lot of it is addressed to Sting. Not the loot playing, Police fronting one. The wrestling, Scorpion Death Lock, face painting one. These letters also seek a lot of advice from the Stinger. So, we just passed along the letters to him and he sent em on back. Be careful though. You might just learn something in this next article.

Dear Sting,


What advice would you give to someone wanting to become a professional wrestler?


-Bodyslammin' Barry.


Dear Bodyslammin',

Well the first thing you should do is ask yourself if this is the life for you. You're on the road a lot, you don't get to see your family, and it's hard work. Also, there aren't a lot of jobs available right now. So the second thing you should do is make sure you have your college education. Finally, do something to stand out.

-Sting.



Dear Sting,

What's wrong with TNA right now?

- TNAddict from Nashville

Dear TNAddict,

What's wrong? There's not enough Sting!

-Sting



Dear Sting,

Can you explain your character's motivation in the film Ready to Rumble? I can understand that you would hate Sinclair/DDP, but if they had the match won clean, wouldn't it be against the Stinger code to interfere? Seems oddly familiar to the finish at Starcade 97' when Bret Hart restarted the match.

-Ready to Stumble

Dear Ready to Stumble,

It's showtime!

-Sting



Dear Sting,

How come you're not mentioned once in the Rise and Fall of WCW DVD?

-Survey_sez: WCW

Dear Survey_sez: WCW,

That's a very interesting question! My faith is very important to me and I choose to live my life as any honorable Christian would. As such, I advise everyone to find their inner strength through our Savior, Jesus Christ. Also, to answer your first question: I lost my virginity to this song. Hope that helps!

-Sting


Dear Sting,

Any fashion tips?

-No Common Sense

Dear No,

Ed Hardy and Affliction all the way, brother!

-Stinger



Special thanks to Sting and all the LOLiacs who wrote in! And remember, any questions for Sting (or any other wrestlers for that matter) should be sent to lolwresslin@gmail.com!