Royal Rumble Live Blog...for the ladies...

R U READY TO DOWN SOME SMACK??? No.

Hey gang,

Sorry for the lack of updates lately. We were all set to get back on track when my internet decided to break. Couldn't update the blog with dick jokes. Now it seems redundant.

Regardless, we've been pimping this for a while, but please check out the site (or wrestlegasm.com) for our co-live blog of the Royal Rumble! It'll be epic.

XOXO,
Adam

Gimme some sugar, Vinny

A bit of site news first: The Laugh Twins will have their first ever live blog with our sometimes guest blogger, always inferior (or is it inferiour) Ray from Wrestlegasm. Join us as we share LOLs about the Royal Rumble this Sunday!

The Laugh Twins have never been one to fantasy book, even though we've done it quite a bit on the site. It's not one of the things we set out to do, though. Things just sometimes come up that make us think, "What if so-and-so did this?" or "What if what's-his-nuts showed up?"

That's what we thought this week as WWE cross-promoted USA television show "Psych" by having star Dule Hill guest host Raw. John Cena also made a guest appearance on "Psych." This made us wonder why other USA television stars couldn't also guest host Raw.

Now before you say, "Who wants to see Tony Shalhoub or those two Jewish guys from 'Royal Pains' host Raw?", we'll just tell you that we're not talking about those guys. No, no, no. We're talking about someone with a little more starpower. Someone with a little more swagger. Someone who's name is...Bruce.

Bruce Campbell should guest host Raw.

Why would we want Mr. Campbell to host Raw, you ask? (Alright, we're sure you didn't ask that, because we all know why, but just play along, ok?) Here's just a few of his many credentials...

1) He's on a hit TV show
The least important to us, but to most of America, this will mean something. "Burn Notice" is one of the most successful shows on cable television [citation needed], and with Mr. Campbell playing the comedic supporting character, he's instantly recognizable to anyone who's watched anything on USA other than Raw.

2) He's a big-time movie star
Mr. Campbell has been in several well-known movies and has a huge cult following. For those fans of his that don't watch wrestling, this would be a great opportunity to catch Mr. Campbell in a live television format, which would certainly draw new viewers. As for those of us who already watch wrestling? Well, that brings us to...

3) He's popular with the wrestling crowd
In his autobiography, Mr. Campbell reprints an email from a fan that says he saw a "Bruce Campbell is God" sign at a wrestling event, and that's something that happened more than once. The young male crowd that frequents wrestling also has a more-than-passing knowledge of Mr. Campbell's films. He's also portrayed a wrestling announcer in his career, sharing the screen with former WWE superstar "Macho Man" Randy Savage, which may actually be a point against him.



4) It's a chance to cross-promote
Like we said, "Burn Notice" is a very popular show on USA, so why not swing a guest spot for one of the superstars. Perhaps the Legacy could be some male models with ties to the seedy Miami underbelly (we just wanted to think about some Legacy belly) Or maybe Triple H and Shawn Michaels could play a couple of bumbling private eyes that need some help. Perhaps the Undertaker could be a some sort of warlock that terrorizes the beach bunnies. Honestly, these things just write themselves.

5) He's been President of the United States

Do you really need something more?

W.W.W. featuring 3 Count and Backstage Shenanigans

On Wednesdays, we here at LOL, Wresslin' like to really pull out the stops and offer up a double shot of righteously killer content. Why Wednesday? Well, we could impress you with market research, work habit studies, and human psychology tendencies to show you there's a scientific reason the middle of the week is the best time to bring your A-game. However, truth be told, we don't have any of that stuff and settled on Wednesday because that was the only day that didn't have any content scheduled.

So, here you have "Watch Wresslin' Wednesdays," the ORIGINAL wrestling-themed, YouTube video comedic co-commentary. Please feel free to suggest a better title, because we are woefully uncreative when it comes to naming stuff.

Better at naming stuff than us.

The idea of W.W.W. is we each send the other a video that is related to wrestling (a match, promo, interview, guest starring spot, etc.). The only restriction is that it cannot be user-created, so your music video of Hacksaw Jim Duggan clips set to Hank Williams, Jr. ain't going to fly here, pal. Neither of us know what kind of video we're going to get that day.

After viewing, we each write a response. This could be anything we choose: a straight commentary, a philosophical enlightenment, or classless ridicule. Just as we don't know what kind of video the other will select, neither do we know what the other will write or how they will write it. What you end up with is a mash-up of styles, which in our book equates to two-blogs-in-one, and we can take the rest of the day off.

Adam's video to Matt - Tank Abbott displays his singing talent




Matt's response...

It's not often I give props to someone who posts something to YouTube. Occasionally, however, someone isn't so much concerned with putting themselves over by slapping their name all over the video, and would rather add to the piece with a bit of commentary of their own. You see, this is what we do, and I think more people should do what we do (but write your own stuff! I'm looking at you, other wrestling blogs.)

So chriscfgb (or is it crisiscfgb?! I can't tell!) decides that rather than promoting his YouTube page, where he's posted other copyrighted material, he'll just toss up a quick aside in the video description box, such as...

And nipples!

Perfect. Wonderful joke. It's a carry-over from the video's title, and it blatantly points out something we all noticed but didn't want to really acknowledge.

When you were in high school, did they ever have teacher talent shows? If they did, you know exactly where I'm going. If not, it was a good excuse to sit in the auditorium or gym for an hour instead of going to class, and you'd laugh occasionally. There was the obligatory rock band, and the "hot" teachers trying to reclaim some of their youth by dressing like cheerleaders and doing a skit.

And then you'd have the coaches, which would almost always dress in drag because, well, it's funny when fat guys dress like women.

Proof.

This is also accompanied by some awful dance routine, which even though it looks as if it were choreographed by a four-year-old, they still can't do it right because they only practiced it once. That's how a feel about WCW: they're a high school teacher talent show.

Now I may sound like a bad sport, like I don't want to see any fun bits on wrestling, but that's not true. I'm a big fan of comedy in my wrestling shows, and I love the silly bits, when they're done well. What I don't want is someone going out there and half-assing it. If you're going to go out there to sing and dance, I won't hold it against you that you can't sing well, but at least get your routine together. Have a little pride in yourself.

I think this is my problem with wrestling in general right now. It feels so much like they're just going through the motions without really thinking about what they're doing. WWE bringing back Bret Hart...what was the point? It was a neat moment with he and Shawn in the ring, but what did they do beyond that? They just went through the motions: Bret is bitter, Vince is an a-hole, and scene. And on the same night, what did TNA do? Brought out the carcass of Hulk Hogan so he and his cronies can do the same old crap they did ten years ago, only now they all look about 25 years older. Everyone seems to be going out to the ring with a rough idea of what they want to do, and in the end they just fall into the usual routine.

Ugh, I hate getting serious about wrestling...how about those nipples?!

Matt's video to Adam- Raw After the Bell: Mickie James and Hacksaw Jim Duggan stopped by IRS




Adam's response...

First off, I feel the need to apologize to all our readers for the recent inactivity. Certain real world obligations have gotten in the way, all of which took precedence of dick jokes. We'll try to be better. To make it up to you kiddos, we're doing our first ever interactive live blog. It'll be this Sunday for the Royal Rumble. Also, Ray over at Wrestlegasm baked us cookies, so she'll be there too!

Anyway, for the second week in a row, the star of my video is an unlikely source. Yes, IRS steals the show again. And it's for the most understated of all reasons. Namely, why was he even there in the first place?

I know the real world reason. Mike Rotunda (and looking at him, he's rather aptly named, lulz) is an agent for WWE. Why not have him throw on a tie and suspenders and do a little cameo for a video segment that no one will ever see? It's a fun Easter egg. But story wise, why is he there? Granted, I have no seen the preceding, nor proceeding chapters of this serial, but shouldn't every chapter make sense on their own?

I guess I just love the idea of the old characters just hanging out backstage. It's weird. Characters like Duke "The Dumpster" Drose or the Repoman are dumb. Who would ever believe that a garbage man in his spare time wrestles? Yet, it makes me happy thinking that Duke was just the in-house garbage man who got some ringtime whenever. He's still there emptying the trash.

Still, what is IRS doing here? As a government worker he would not be employed by WWE. Also, he clearly would not be doing any tax work for the government on WWE, because it's a conflict of interests; he was a tag champ for a period of time. Maybe he retired from government work and is now a private accountant/financial consultant for WWE? There are so many unanswered questions.

Which I suppose is what makes a great serial. Why were Mickie James and Hacksaw Duggan stealing tee-shirts? Couldn't they just get some from the corporate office? They do know that Earl Hebner was fired for the same thing, right? And he wasn't even videotaped! And why would IRS be mad at them for stealing? He's not a lawman. It's possible he has strong ethics, but a lifetime of heel deeds would lead me to believe otherwise.

Also, I should note that in the vein of all great femme fatales, Mickie used a subtle hint of her sexuality to achieve her goals. Very noir.


Oh well, I better come back to the nickelodeon next week and find out what adventures await our heroes!

W.W.W. featuring Headlock on Hunger and Kelly Kelly

On Wednesdays, we here at LOL, Wresslin' like to really pull out the stops and offer up a double shot of righteously killer content. Why Wednesday? Well, we could impress you with market research, work habit studies, and human psychology tendencies to show you there's a scientific reason the middle of the week is the best time to bring your A-game. However, truth be told, we don't have any of that stuff and settled on Wednesday because that was the only day that didn't have any content scheduled.

So, here you have "Watch Wresslin' Wednesdays," the ORIGINAL wrestling-themed, YouTube video comedic co-commentary. Please feel free to suggest a better title, because we are woefully uncreative when it comes to naming stuff.

Better at naming stuff than us.

The idea of W.W.W. is we each send the other a video that is related to wrestling (a match, promo, interview, guest starring spot, etc.). The only restriction is that it cannot be user-created, so your custom Bret Favre titantron isn't going to fly here, pal. Neither of us know what kind of video we're going to get that day.

After viewing, we each write a response. This could be anything we choose: a straight commentary, a philosophical enlightenment, or classless ridicule. Just as we don't know what kind of video the other will select, neither do we know what the other will write or how they will write it. What you end up with is a mash-up of styles, which in our book equates to two-blogs-in-one, and we can take the rest of the day off.


Matt's video to Adam- WWF Headlock on Hunger!


Adam's response...

Right now there is a lot of attention placed on charity and social activism, so it's of little surprise that Matt sent me this video about WWF's charitable endeavors. Don't worry. I won't be making any Haiti jokes. Not because I find them inappropriate, but because I'm really not clever enough to come up with anything funnier than "Earthquake, lulz."

Still, even the Laugh Twins have a bit of a conscious and I find it a tad tacky to talk about the deaths of seven million people (lulz?), so just know that there are many ways to donate and we won't link to them because, well what's the point? If you come here for breaking news on Haiti, well, thanks, I guess.

On to the topic at hand! Headlock on Hunger!

(t-b) Headlock, hunger

As far as charity drives go, this one sucks. It just seems as if no one has a clue what to do. Take a look at our opener, Tatanka:

"This is Tatanka, and my people speak to the Great Spirit for blessings! We at the World Wrestling Federation appreciate your help for people that are less fortunate than us. Lets get a hold on headlock for hunger! YIYIYIYIYIYIYYYYI!"

That first sentence has nothing to do with anything. And then he gets the slogan wrong, by saying "get a hold on headlock for hunger!." But you know (tm) what the real travesty is? This is pretaped! Someone could easily have said "Hey Chris, umm, let's do that again. And it's 'Put a Headlock on Hunger!' Ok, Headlock on Hunger promo take two and....action!" But nope, they just did one.

The second stars of this were of course Paul Bearer and The Undertaker. Apparently all the hungry people dying in Somalia are causing the Undertaker to have too much of a workload so he needs these people to eat a sandwich. Way to trivialize a very serious issue, Titan Sports.

Of course, the next great star of this piece is none other than Irwin R Shyster, IRS himself!

Scott Hall thinks that that is his bar tab

Look at him, staring at that huge, tax deductible check. He's so angry. Oooo, the heel heat he must be getting right now! If anything, he wants Somalia to job to hunger!

But the real stars of this piece? Why, all the champions in the crowd.


Seriously, if any of these greedy asses would stop buying gold belts and donate that money Somalia could eat for a decade.


Adam's video to Matt - Kelly Kelly trying to be a news anchor



Matt's response...


I suppose a little bit of disclosure is needed here. I've just been terrible at providing content this week. I didn't get up a recap on Monday and even this bit is late. I could blame it on a number of different things that I've had to deal with this week (not the least of which was my birthday on Monday - thanks for the well wishes, readers! /sarcasm), but honestly, it's just poor time management. For that....well, I'm not really all that sorry. What do you want for free comedy? Pay me, and then we'll start to talk priorities.

On to the video. Anyone remember Channel One? I'm not sure how ubiquitous that was, but if you went to school with me, you knew about Channel One. Quite simply, it was a short news program for kids in school. The good part was we got to take time out of our day to watch the thing, and it wasn't necessarily that bad. A lot of big talent either came up through Channel One, or lended their time to it, like Anderson Cooper, Dan Rather, Maria Menounos (former Raw co-host!) and Lisa Ling. Essentially, it was a dumbed down news show which attempted to keep you up-to-date with world events, and would also include little bits about "cool" sports and "fun" activities.

Excuse me while I make a masturbatory motion with my hand in mid-air.

Somehow I can't help but wonder what would have happened to Kelly Kelly had she gone the Channel One route. We'd have to work with her delivery though...

Let's bring that paper down just a bit, k?

Overall, I guess I would give her a B- on this performance, greatly held up by the fact that she's stupid hot.

Now, as for "This is Genius"? I think I might disagree with that title. Cute enough idea for a bit, I guess, but in the end, what do you have? A couple of people cracking up over a story about tanning salons. Wooo-hoo. That's good television, hipster lumberjack.

He's ok.

At the very least, have her read a story that you can later edit to make it sound like she said something dirty to you. Now that would be genius, my friend. "This is Amateur" is what the show should be called.

Or Wrestlegasm.

R U READY TO DOWN SOME SMACK??? Stunned Contendors

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

This Sunday is TNA's Genesis PPV. How does this relate to Smackdown? IT DOESN'T! Don't worry about how fat Scott Hall is, because there's some smack to down? Are you ready?

First up was "Team Black Guys in Jeans" vs "Team White Canadians in Underwear" in a six-man tag. And it was pretty good!

(l-r) can't dunk, can dunk

Of course, this is a match MONTHS in the making. Jericho previously feuded with Cryme Tyme over the summer (Shad even picked up a singles win) and the CT are currently feuding with the Harts. And R-Truth..well he's a black guy...so he's there too! Of course that doesn't mean the interns are allowed to mail it in.

Ahem, interns. When the knee is in the back, it is called the "Liontamer." No knee is the Walls. DUH!

That was enough for the win. Even the interns can't shy away from the greatness of the winners.



Wow, did all that training in the Hart Dungeon really pay off? Really?

Yea, I went there. Get over it.

Sometimes wrestling can get a little talky. That time is when CM Punk comes out. Usually he just speaks about how great he is, but today he was talking about how great you can be. Or more specifically, some kid from s>developmental the audience.

Just kiss and get it over with already!

The kid decided to pledge his life to straight edge and that entailed shaving his head. Yes, the most embarrassing thing anyone can ever do in wrestling! Losing hair! Unless of course your Stone Cold Steve Austin, Goldberg, The Rock, Randy Orton, or any other successful person who is bald. But hey, you can tell Hogan and Michaels aren't happy about losing their hair!

I hope they didn't offer you a call up for this, dude. Because soon you'll be released AND be bald.

A gentleman's hairdo

Also, Luke Gallows was with Punk and he decided to hang out afterwards and wrestle Matt Hardy. The interns could hardly contain their excitement.

Should that be capitalized?

Anyone else see the irony in the fact that Matt's brother (known drug user/ possible felon Jeff Hardy) signed with WWE's main competitor, TNA, and now Matt is being beaten up by the wrestlers who don't do any drugs.

Get used to eating leather, Matty. Soon that's about the quality of meat you'll have to buy when they release you for Jeff's indiscretions.

Finally, last week (two weeks ago!) Rey Mysterio cost Batista a world title match in the beat the clock challenge. Thus, the two of them would have to fuck fight for their right to wrestle the Undertaker at the Royal Rumble. This match was so awesome that even the interns were on the top of their game.

Ok, that was a good one.

That's not to say that everything was spot on.

Yea...sometimes wrestling is fake...

This match went through numerous powerbomb and phone call related spots until just about the 10 o'clock hour when ALL OF A SUDDEN THE UNDERTAKER HIT A GONG AND TURNED ON A SMOKE MACHINE! WHY? NO IDEA!

Something strange going on!?! OH NO! Must be a no contest!

Yes, so we're going for this match one more time. Batista/Rey Mysterio...IN A CAGE! TRY AND CAGE TEH ANIMALE!!!



Watch Smackdown tonight to forget about the British Invasion being dropped down the card! It's a 8/7 central! On one of those Network Channels. Or some whenever over on hulu.com (if you can get past all the Conan drama)!

W.W.W. featuring Vader and C.M. Punk

On Wednesdays, we here at LOL, Wresslin' like to really pull out the stops and offer up a double shot of righteously killer content. Why Wednesday? Well, we could impress you with market research, work habit studies, and human psychology tendencies to show you there's a scientific reason the middle of the week is the best time to bring your A-game. However, truth be told, we don't have any of that stuff and settled on Wednesday because that was the only day that didn't have any content scheduled.

So, here you have "Watch Wresslin' Wednesdays," the ORIGINAL wrestling-themed, YouTube video comedic co-commentary. Please feel free to suggest a better title, because we are woefully uncreative when it comes to naming stuff.

The idea of W.W.W. is we each send the other a video that is related to wrestling (a match, promo, interview, guest starring spot, etc.). The only restriction is that it cannot be user-created, so your Scott Hall impression isn't going to fly here, pal. Neither of us know what kind of video we're going to get that day.

After viewing, we each write a response. This could be anything we choose: a straight commentary, a philosophical enlightenment, or classless ridicule. Just as we don't know what kind of video the other will select, neither do we know what the other will write or how they will write it. What you end up with is a mash-up of styles, which in our book equates to two-blogs-in-one, and we can take the rest of the day off.


Adam's video to Matt - Vader attacks Gorilla Monsoon



Matt response...

I usually like to find a quote in these videos that stands out from the rest - something that either sums up the video perfectly or just one of those non-sequiters that can pop up later in conversation.

This is one of my favorites, not so much because of it's content, but rather the delivery, which is one of complete disbelief and outrage from announcer Vince McMahon.

"God, it's Gorilla Monsoon!"

That pretty much says all that needs to be said about this video. Vader may be a big guy (which I'm not questioning at all), and he may be pretty tough, but there are two people in life that you just shouldn't physically assault: the president of your company, and a man with the words "gorilla" and "monsoon" in his name. When those two people are actually the same person and you still attack them, I think you've made a poor choice.

It's somewhat disappointing that Gorilla goes down like a ton of bricks in this one. The only offense he mounts are some weak-ass chops (note: this is, in no way, an invitation to get chopped across the chest, because I'm certain I would go into cardiac arrest.) A big, nasty dude, Gorilla Monsoon immediately falls to the mat after a little splash into the turnbuckle (again, please don't do this to me.)

Despite this being the first time a superstar attacked a WWE president, Monsoon is not who I want to talk about here. The hero of this video, the real hero, is this man:

This is the second ref that ran in after the first one was injured and thrown from the ring. You might say he was stupid, after seeing his colleague manhandled by Vader, but I say that's just the kind of courage that's found in the best among us. Facing nearly inevitable head-butting and slamming, this ref throws caution to the wind and steps into the ring to do his job.

Of course, things don't really go the way they teach you in wrestling official school...

Worker's comp?

He couldn't have expected any less, though. But that overwhelming drive to restore order to the WWE universe took over.

Apparently this even has really polarized wrestling fans, and one went so far as to create a "musical tribute." I put that in quotes because all this guy did was take the same YouTube video (complete with factoid pop-up) and substitute the audio for Ozzy Osbourne's "Hellraiser." A tribute indeed...



Even though there's only nine comments on this particular video, they're quite impassioned, since in his description, the poster referred to Gorilla Monsoon as "that dirty old bitch Monsoon." Here's what the forces of goodness have to say:

this should be taken off youtube! - LifeSoulAz

That one is offending alot of people. Im know kiss ass or babyface lover myself, but Monsoon is someone that almost all true 80/90's era wrestling fans have nothing but respect for. Monsoon is no dirty old bitch. show some respect. - 1978mackdaddy

I don't mean to offend anyone, and perhaps I'm taking this to seriously, I like Vader, but nobody calls Gorilla Monsoon a dirty bitch. - prhowe

old dirty bitch? fuck you - heyhoergeefmijispils

Gone but not forgotten...Gorilla Monsoon, 1937-1999.

Matt's video to Adam- CM Punk heel turn speech- ROH



Adam's response...

Often times people ask how they can get a hold of us Laugh Twins. I'm a little more accessible, but Matt is a hard egg to crack. Well consider that omelet made, because Matt's Internet identity has been found.



Yes, Matt is actually Youtube poster rafitos28160. How else would he have found this obscure video that was posted yesterday? Also take note that behind all his Wrestlemania, "I hate TNA" gusto, Matt is secretly an indy mark. An indy mark who uploads ROH videos.



As for this video, it's pretty much everything bad about the indy product; muffled, long winded, and self-important. I'm all for there being an alternative view on wrestling. Trust me, we need less Hornswaggle segments (unless we get like, 5 midgets to fight the Big Show in what I like to call a "Gulliver's Travels" match) and more segments of people taking the product seriously. No, the problem lies in the fans.

We've spoken about fans before. They are, for the most part, just marks trying to get themselves over. And stop being "smart." Sure, Phil Brooks may not actually hate you. He may not be that obnoxious about his lifestyle behind the curtain, but CM Punk sure as hell is. So when he's cutting a heel promo (which was delivered great but made no sense, much like Warrior promos), don't cheer him. If you really want to be "smart" don't acknowledge what the performer is doing; acknowledge the performance.

It's a little sad that the most heat he got was when he parroted John Cena. Oh no, what a terrible thing to do to the ROH fans! Acknowledge something that's popular!

Does anyone have that friend who's into bands that don't even exist yet? The kind of guy that listens to inaudible Beatles bootlegs and wind chimes? And gets mad at pop music? What a dick, right? That's ROH fans for wrestling. It's great that you love wrestling so much that you will financially support the little guy. It's great that you found a product that you love. Seriously. But that doesn't mean the big guys are somehow evil. They have a wider audience, so they in turn may be a little blander to the hardcore. That doesn't give you an excuse though to show off how smart you are by ruining a heel turn. No one cares that you're inside to the business. If you're at an ROH show that's assumed.

I still don't get what the snake parable had to do with the devil though.

OH BABY, I like it Raw! The one with Bret Hart

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...



Clearly the most important thing that happened on Raw last week was Bret Hart coming back to guest host the show. So I'm going to cover those segments in depth here, and the rest of the stuff will skim over. Really, it didn't matter all that much anyway.

Bret opens the show, looking more like Owen these days, and immediately gets down to calling out Shawn Michaels. It seems Shawn had a little something to do with this thing in Montreal in 1997.

The jean shorts are the only thing that look good about him.

For the most part, Bret kept himself together and managed to keep his stroke at bay.

Shawn came out, and rather than being apologetic about the whole thing, told Bret that he pretty much had it coming. That's how you start putting the past behind you, Shawn.

"You screwed me." "Eh, you deserved it. We cool?"

However, they were able to make some ground. Shawn told Bret he respected him and always looked back fondly on their matches. They finally shook hands, and after a moment, hugged...like two robots that haven't been oiled in a very long time.

"This wasn't in the script."

Bret then called out Vince McMahon, but he didn't come out because, come on, we gotta have something to do later in the show, right?

Mayse beat up Brie Bella, but who didn't see that coming? Brie has spent the last several months attached to the hip of every guest host that's come through. The only reason she didn't escort Bret around is because he's the only one that more than likely would have sex with her. MVP won a Fatal Four-Way against Mark Henry, Carlito and Jack Swagger to become the number one contender for the U.S. title. Ballin'.

DX beat Jeri-Tall, which now means Jericho is somehow banned from Raw. Didn't this happen before? I fail to see how this changes anything, but I guess we all know the first banning is just a suggestion anyway. As a side note, Jericho tried to enlist the help of Bret Hart, whom he wanted to serve as guest referee. Then Bret could screw over Shawn and the whole thing could have a nice conclusion. Bret declined, saying he only participates in storylines where he's the martyr.

Evan Bourne faced the WWE Champion Sheamus. Bourne was promised a title shot at the Royal Rumble if he could beat Sheamus that night. Any guesses on how this one turned out? Put your bets in now...

3...

2...

1...

Bourne lost. Sorry to the none of you that lost that bet.

Finally, we get Randy Orton versus Kofi Kingston, but this is the normal Orton/Kingston match you've become accustomed to over the past however long this feud has been going on. No, henchmodels Ted DiBiase, Jr. and Cody Rhodes set up this little match to test Orton. If Randy loses, he's kicked out of the Legacy and they're going to kick his ass. This is retribution for last week (two weeks ago!) when Randy did the same thing to them.

Randy won, and I'm sure that those two brainiacs will figure out that you can't really threaten the boss and expect to get away with it. Even though that's what people do in the WWE every stinking day.

To end the show, Vince McMahon comes to the ring and calls down Bret Hart. What's going to happen??!

Well, Vince says he's still mad about getting spit on over 12 years ago, but he also says that he was proud of Bret and that Bret was one of the best ever. Having felled the Hitman enough to get him to shake hands, the two exchanged a professional pump of the hands and then celebrated together.

Please hold for the eventual swerve...

THERE IT IS!

That's right. Vince kicked Bret! Vince kicked Bret! And this time, McMahon can't spin it as "Bret kicked Bret" because we have photographic proof! Tune in for "Iron" Mike Tyson, 20 years past his prime, hosting Raw tonight! USA, 9/8c!

R U READY TO DOWN SOME SMACK??? Time to Rumble

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

It's 2010 here on Smackdown! Everyone's hung over and can't put much thought into what to do! Let's phone it in and have a Beat the Clock challenge all show.

Yes, what is a more objective and fair way to determine a number one contender then by having a series of matches and the fastest match is the winner of the slot? Oh, you mean any other way? Yes, that would be fairer, but this is what we got.

Although in fairness, they did finally put logic into play and make it open to all the competitors in the matches, not just the four main eventers. Anyway, our first match had former World Champion CM Punk taking on the brother of a TNA main eventer/ future felon, Matt Hardy!

Enjoy the last offense you'll ever get, Jobby.

In case you don't know the rules of the Beat the Clock challenge, allow the interns of WWE.com to enlighten you:

Way to explain the rules on slide #11. And with a picture of a time consuming rest hold, no less.

Of course, one guy is an example of a drug free industry and one guy routinely pisses off management with his antics. And his brother totally burned WWE. So take one guess how this one played out.

Get used to being tea bagged/shit on for the rest of your career, Angelic Diablo.

On a side note: Jeff Hardy will take a job just to get Shannon Moore a job in TNA, but he won't think about the repercussions on his own brother?

To break up the clock action, John Morrison got his rematch with Drew McIntyre for the Intercontinental championship! High flying kicks abound!


These two have been feuding ever since Vince McMahon anointed McIntyre a "future champion", and neither have taken a break from it for the last few months. Don't believe me? Check in with the interns.

Yea, no one watches Superstars

So somehow Morrison got disqualified in the match, giving McIntyre the win, ergo ending the feud, right? Champion successfully defends in the rematch, time to move on. Maybe Mike Knox (OMG!!!) deserves a shot at championship gold? Wait, what's this?

The face throws a temper tantrum?

Oh, that makes sense. Total sense.

Back to the clock! If you ever are scratching your head on what match to throw in the middle of the show, just putting Chris Jericho and Rey Mysterio in the ring is never a bad idea. The two of them bring the best out of each other, possibly due to all those Hart Dungeon training sessions Rey snuck into from El Undergroundo Railrodeo to el Canadas (I could have possibly made that up). Normally, their matches are technically sound and fast, but this time Jericho decided to go the complete opposite way and do his Lex Luger impression!


Which is really poor, because this is a far more accurate Luger impression.


Anyway, the interns show their stupidity again and Rey Mysterio won.

For the last time: 619 is just an area code. You can't call anyone just by dialing "619." Stop with the phone cracks.

This time BEAT CM PUNK's time by one measly second! WHAT ARE THE CHANCES OF THAT?!!?

All this talk about CM Punk and clocks is giving me a raging boner. I really gotta nut. Oh, I know how to take care of that. A Divas match! Beth Phoenix and Mickie James wrestled to see who will be the #1 contender for Michelle McCool's Women's championship! And she was at ringside being all pro-Phoenix with her best gal pal, Layla. They go by the name "Team Lay-Cool" which makes sense, but is an ultimately terrible and worthless name.

Those legs make everything ok though

This lead to Mickie getting the win. The Glamazon did not appreciate this and begging to beat the holy hell out of Michelle McCool while Mickie proved what an insecure fatty she is by going into a fat rage against Layla.




Yea, that happened too. Oh well, send us out on a high note, boys.

"Piggie James <3 Food" is a brilliant slogan

In our final clock match, R-Truth took on TEH ANIMALE!!!, Batista. Disappoint me again, interns.

What gave you that idea, interns? Was it how his shirt says "WHAT'S UP!"? Or how his song is just the words "What's up?!" over and over again? Or maybe how he says "What's up!?" every time he gets on the mic. Seriously interns, I expected better.

This match was marred by Rey Mysterio hanging out at ringside and a Divas grade of offense.


Still, the unearthed fury of an animal walking alone into a pit of danger was too much for Mr. Truth, as he spine was LITERALLY busted.


That's it! Batista/Undertaker for the title at the Rumble! I can't wait! What's this?!

Rey Mysterio: Best heel in the game

Rey Mysterio..cheated!?!? What's up with the faces acting like d-bags?! Where is your honor, Rey Rey? Who would ever of thought that a man named Mysterio would have shady motives? Something must be done!


Oh thank heavens! Vickie Guerrero won't let this stand. So we'll have another #1 contenders match, tonight! Batista and Rey! Where? MyNetworkTV! When? 8/7c! Or whenever over at hulu.com!