OH BABY, I like it Raw! Swingin' the big Timba

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...



There's a lot of talk about what's going down in the wrestling world tonight, but before we can get there, we have to take a trip down memory lane. So hop in the WABAC machine, and let's set the dial to one week ago...

TOO FAR! WE'VE GONE TOO FAR!!!

We start the night with Cena demanding that he get a rematch with Sheamus for the WWE Title. Sheamus, knowing that a mid-carder can only hold the championship so long, was smart and declined the challenge. However, Cena remembered that this is the WWE, and if you can't get your point across with words, it most certainly can be communicated with violence.


So we're set for a rematch later in the evening.

Randy Orton decided that the other members of Legacy are going to have to do something other than look good if they are going to continue to be his backup (the Laugh Twins, however, don't have such harsh standards, so Teddy, if you're looking for future endeavors, we'll entertain your application. Not you though, Cody. We're fairly certain your mom was drinking while you were in the womb).

So Ted DiBiase, Jr. is going to have to prove his worth by facing Evan Bourne while Randy watches ringside. This worked out for Teddy by not just giving him the opportunity to show off his skills, but also to promote The Marine 2: Marinier, which is out on DVD now.


Ted won the match, so he gets to keep kissing Orton's ass.

Next up was Cody Rhodes. Now, I'm not a betting man, but if I had to guess as to which member of Legacy that Randy Orton was hoping to be rid of, I'd say it's Cody. Not judging from his past performance, of course, but rather his chosen opponent. You see, Ted had to face this joker...


...while Cody had to face this one...

It's like Santa Claus ate Santa Claus. Oh, and turned black.

Somehow, Cody was able to win, proving once again that Mark Henry is nothing more than a plot device.

Maryse was looking to exact some revenge after Kelly*2 pinned her last week and won the Santa's Little Helper match. We can see how a loss in that match would be a thorn in anyone's side. So we're stuck at a fork in the road in this match, seeing as how we typically cheer for whichever Diva is the hottest in any particular match. I guess we'll have to go for the tiebreaker and cheer for the one with the most cleavage.

Or maybe the one that pins like this.

Maryse picked up the win and then beat the crap out of K-Twice, proving that aggravated assault is ok if it's between two smoking hot women.

Mr. McMahon came out to announce that he wasn't going to accept Bret Hart's request to guest host an episode of Raw. Something tells me that Bret didn't so much request to guest host, but rather the WWE waved a huge wad of cash in his face, and Bret requested to have it. However it went down, Vince was not going to have that happen.

But then Shawn Michaels came out to request a rematch with the Undertake at Wrestlemania 26.


McMahon said that wasn't up to him, seeing as how he doesn't have any control over the Undertaker. Well, that's not a very good thing to admit. Why even have him on the payroll, or is he forcing you to do that as well? What a liability to a company to have an employee that can't be controlled whatsoever. I think I need to let E*Trade know there's a change of plans.

Shawn then decided that it would be a good idea for Bret to host Raw, and McMahon changed his mind as they exchanged a little glance. Are there ulterior motives at play? We'll let you be the judge.

Hint: there are

Kofi has finally decided to fight someone other than Randy Orton, and that person is the Miz. Excuse us while we express our excitement.


Of course, we aren't content to see just one bout, because if Kofi wins the first non-title match, he'll be granted an immediate second match for the United States Championship. This a gift from our guest host Timbaland.

Thanks for hosting Raw, Timbaland. Please enjoy your complimentary prostitutes.

In order to keep the drama going, Kofi wins the first one, and is set to win the second, when none other than that dastardly Orton came out to attack Kingston, causing him to win by DQ but not capture the title. Of all the low-down, dirty deeds...why Randy, I think you've gone too far!

"You don't even know how far I can go."

Chavo Guerrero continued filling the place of Chris Jericho in Jeri-Tall, which is as bad as Chavo filling in for anyone. Of course, because of him, they lost to DX.


Jericho was there, however. He'd gotten a front-row ticket, since he's no longer allowed on Raw. This after he stood outside the arena, asking fans to sign a petition so he could be reinstated to Monday Nights. This man hates Smackdown so much that he's willing to seek the support of the sycophantic hypocrites. That's telling.

DX said they'd face Jeri-Tall for the titles, as long as if Big and Rich loses, Jericho will stop trying to get back on Raw.

Now show yourself the door!

Finally, it's that big Cena and Sheamus rematch you've been waiting for, and guess what - it ended in a DQ. That's right, Sheamus grabbed the ref and that was all she wrote for that match. Naturally, Cena was upset and wanted to prove he could beat up the Celtic Pride anyway, so he dragged him back in the ring.

In an stunningly vivid proof of the old Irish saying "Don't start nuttin' if you don't want nuttin'," Sheamus leveled Cena with a boot to the head. Twice.

WWE.com intern Understatement of 2010

So there you have it. The stage is set for the return of the Hitman to Monday Night Raw this evening. And you didn't hear it from me, but apparently another sHOboating GArgantuaN is making an appearance on a different promotion that may or may not remind you of female body parts. Raw starts at 9/8c on USA.