...and done. Before we get to the meat in this sandwich, a little housecleaning is in order. Next week, things will be quite up in the air for the Laugh Twins. Matt will be traveling to New Orleans for a few days, so if you happen to be in the area, say hello. He'll be the fellow desperately trying to find something other than crawfish to eat. Then, Adam will be traveling down to Texas just as Matt is returning from vacation to start a whole new round of debauchery. We have a lot of great things in store for you in the near future, but seeing as how our schedules will be anything but normal next week, we're taking that time off. We apologize, but even internet comedians need some time to themselves.
Now, onto the reason we're posting something today. Seeing as how we've been at this a year, we thought it would be good to look back on the past 365 days with something we've quickly named the "LOLie." If you can't figure out what that is, then you're obviously not familiar with the convention of slapping the suffix "ie" or "y" onto something and making that an award. Get with the program!
As with any award, you need a trophy. However, this is wrestling, and a trophy just won't do! So we had our friend and failed blogger Brian whip up a little something on Photoshop for us. We present to you...
THE LOLIE
The way this works is simple: we've each picked out winners of several categories, and going the extra mile as we often do, wrote a little something about why they're our winner. The LOLie has no monetary value attached to it, and is sometimes awarded completely arbitrarily, but you are slightly more internet famous once you've won one, so you're welcome in advance.
Now, enough of the small talk...
Adam's picks:
Wrestler of the year- Chris Jericho
Although a case can be made for CM Punk, he really has only come into his own in the last few months or so. But Jericho has been the MVP of WWE. In addition to a World Title reign early in the blog's history, Jericho has completely reimagined his character. Gone is the "Party Host" obnoxious heels, welcome the unassuming, "I'm better than you" obnoxious heel. He uses big words we don't understand! Boo! He wears suits! Boo!
Other accomplishments include bringing Ricky Steamboat out of retirement for some pretty good matches, an epic feud with Rey Mysterio which revitalized the IC title, and currently revitalizing the Tag belts. He also has the best Twitter around for wrestlers. All in all, Jericho is the run away.
Woman of the Year- Daffney (TNA)
Yes, I'm certainly biased, as her run has been short and she certainly isn't the most visible women in the wrestling scene. I went back and forth, but ultimately decided on Daffney for a few reasons:
1) After being away from the major US scene for a few years she came back with a refreshed version of her character. No one else is doing the maniacal/evil woman right now either.
2) Fairly good worker and will take big bumps/hardcore spots.
3) Good on the mic
4) Pleasing on the eyes/Zombie hot
Is she a runaway grandslam? Probably not. My love for Mickie James knows no bounds, but she's still dull as a door knob to listen to and her work has drastically fallen off. It might be because she has worse people to work with, but she still deserves some of the blame. Also, look at her match with Gail Kim from a month or so ago. Two good workers having a Botchamania classic.
Michelle McCool is in awesome shape, and good for her. But if I never have to hear her talk again I'll be fine with that. And her Twitter may be the worst thing I've ever read. Also, the Undertaker isn't affiliated with this blog, so I don't owe her anything.
Also, the state of WWE women is rather poor when the two night Trish Stratus returned were the best Diva moments of the year.
Add all that up and my pick is Daffney.
Theme song of the year- Colt Cabana (ROH)
So I get HDNet and tape ROH. I don't always watch it, but I think it's fine to check out when I wake up on a Sunday morning or whatever. I'm not trying to be all "oh, look how indie and hip I am" (although yes, I'm certainly the more music snobbish of the Twins), but this song is just ridiculous. In a good way. It sort of encapsulates everything I like about Colt Cabana/Scotty Goldman and probably everything Matt hates about him. I mean, he is covering a Barry Manilow song! That's just so baller to me in the world of pro wrestling. It's like what the Man Scout said; be different. How many badasses with Drop D bass lines can there be? Have a little fun. That's what wrestling is. Good times. Great memories.
Best Wrestler in a Movie- Mr. Kennedy in Behind Enemy Lines: Columbia
I don't consider Mickey Rourke to be a wrestler, so he's not eligible. And R-Truth buying Randy the Ram a shot does not qualify. So that pretty much leaves us with some Disney garbage that emasculates The Rock, John Cena in 12 Rounds, and this forgotten straight to DVD movie. Hey, is it Gone With the Wind? No. Is Kennedy even a good actor? No. But he's fine in the role. The movie has good action and is fairly coherent (although the ramifications of mission failure are just ludicrous.) And hey, Otter from Animal House directed it! Clearly he knows how to get the best out of his cast and crew.
Minority of the Year- Mark Henry
Is he kinda fat? Yes. And slow. And plods. But damn if he isn't one of the most terrifying men I've ever seen. Look at that smile. It's that "I'm so dangerous that I have no reason but to be a nice person" kind of smile. And truth be told, he's not as bad as we remember. Will he win worker of the year? No, but he doesn't need to. As a big man/power wrestler he has some pretty solid offense Now if they would only let him wear black again.
Favorite Raw Moment: The Miz shoots Hornswaggle with a tee-shirt bazooka.
Favorite Smackdown Moment: Teddy Long's recent limo debacle is up there, but a little to stupid to nominate. I've loved CM Punk's heel turn and him being "The Choice of a New Generation" but it's only been going on for about three months and it's already getting tiresome. So I think the clear winner is when Christ Jericho pretended to be a Rey Mysterio fan and jumped Rey when he does that "head touch little kids" thing. Just an awesome segment and another part of Jericho's brilliance.
Favorite TNA moment- Putting the title on Mick Foley. In 2009. What a stupid company.
Wrestler I'd most like to smack in the face- I'd say Bret Hart but he'd only feel it in half of his face, so I'm going again with Mick Foley. All the conjecture from ten years ago about how he wasn't going to be "Terry Funk" and have a million retirements. Well he has and he's still whoring himself out for any small pay day. He desperately wanted to be a legit author and it turns out the WWF/E PR machine is what he needed, not his "talents" Beyond that, he legitmally seems ashamed to be associated with wrestling and makes fun of the fans whenever he can.
Didn't stop me from taking a picture with him a few years ago though.
Favorite hog- Zack Ryder.
Woo x3, YKNI.
Most LOL worthy wrestler (funny)- Ric Flair
Flair still cuts a hilarious promo, as evidence to when I met him a year ago. But he also wrestled that bear for that Command and Conquer game, does the goal horn for the Carolina Hurricanes, and had that lotto commercial. He also cut a promo in favor of the South Carolina Game Cocks. So all in all, Slick Ric is hilarious
Most LOL Worthy wrestler (sad)- Ric Flair
I know it's easy to pick Scott Hall or Jake Roberts, but truth be told they've been on relatively good behavior. And Kurt Angle is all kinds of crazy, but it turns out that Rhaka Khan thing wasn't his fault, and the whole love triangle with his ex-wife and Jeff Jarrett seems to have blown over. But who just keeps getting sadder? Ric Flair.
Look, his daughter and her boyfriend beat him up and then got arrested. His son Reid was arrested with possession of heroin. To pay for the rehab, Flair becomes "Ambassador of Ring of Honor", cut some promos for them by putting over their talent (and by putting over, he read their names off a cue card.) He took a huge advance on the ROH appearances, but quit the company because he thought a WWE run was impending. That of course never happened, and he has not paid ROH back for that.
Flair also got divorced again, so is now paying three alimonies. He still spends like "The Nature Boy" without drawing income. Ric Flair Financial (lolz) closed down. He pretty much will do anything that will pay him. He's going on tour with Hulk Hogan (another strong candidate for saddest wrestler of The Laugh Twin's Calender Year) in Australia where he'll probably spend all of his pay on ostrich eggs and Foster's. Also, the original NWA championship belt (which he gave to Highspots.com (really?) as collateral for a loan they gave him) has just been put up for auction.
Screw leaving the memories alone. It seems to me that he'll never stop being Ric Flair.
Greatest inspiration: Hulk Hogan
It pains me to put over Hogan again, but his sheer ability to put himself over is just confounding. In the next ten years, Andre the Giant will be, according to Hogan, 900 lbs and 8 feet tall and completely immobile. Hogan will have bodyslammed him by his lonesome.
His very public divorce is just so desperate and sad that not making fun of it wasn't an option. His kids are scum bags; his taste in women is creepy; his choice of wardrobe is fantastic.
And sure, making fun of him is easy, but he also gave us CCW.
Matt's picks:
Wrestler of the Year - Kofi Kingston
Whoa! Threw you for a bit of a loop there. I suppose the best way I can explain how I came to that decision is that Kofi is the one wrestler that completely changed my mind on him. I started the year not giving a rip about Kingston, but now I look forward to his every match. He's a solid U.S. Champion and has held onto that belt through a few defenses. Granted, he's had terrible wrestlers to work with (I'm looking at you, Miz), but he consistently shows that he's got talent above the normal performer.
There's a lot of people I would have loved to give this award to, such as Shawn Michaels, who is always spot-on in the ring and had an incredible match with the Undertaker at WrestleMania, or Jericho, who's taken his heel personality to new heights with his run starting from early this year. But I knew those guys were the best already, and like I said, Kofi has gained me as a big fan. Plus, I will never, ever get tired of making Cool Runnings jokes.
Woman of the Year - Lilian Garcia Alright, I'll fully admit this is a pity win, but what can I say? Lilian became the voice of Raw and things just aren't the same with her moving on to future endeavors. So consider this more a "Lifetime Achievement LOLie."
Lilian toed that line of "really hot" and "not as hot as she seems to be" all the time, but that's not why I liked her. She was fun on the mic, didn't get in the way, and was a great energy at live events, including a fairly talented singer. She also struck a chord with the wrestling audience, judging from some of the Google search suggestions that pop up when you type her name, such as "lilian garcia panties," "lilian garcia legs," and "lilian garcia feet." (And I totally just drove up hits to the blog for all you pervs searching for that stuff!)
Honorable mention goes to the TNA Knockouts, of which I couldn't pick just one. They have very entertaining matches and, for the most part, are all hot as hell. Also Kelly Kelly, just for being a stone fox.
Theme Song of the Year - Ted DiBiase, Jr.
He's since changed his theme to the generic Legacy song, but this first theme of his (and also when he'd come out with Cody) was high on my list of the most awesome things the WWE music department has ever done, topped only by Rob Conway perhaps. Online petition to bring this back?
Best Wrestler in a Movie - Kurt Angle in End Game
You don't have to have any of your senses to know that this low-budget video release was going to be garbage, but the fact that this exists is enough for me to give it every award possible. Kurt Angle plays a serial killer, which is not that far from what he is in real life, provided you replace "killer" with "stalker" and "pill abuser." This trailer tells you everything you need to know, and you'll want to make up your own awards for it as well.
Minority of the Year - Jay Lethal
I've been watching a lot more of TNA lately, and what they lack in story, intriguing feuds and polish they make up for with interesting characters. Jay Lethal is my favorite of those. Anyone who had the idea to find this guy that could do a damn good Macho Man impression and run with it has had at least one great idea in their lifetime.
Favorite Raw Moment - Trish comes back...twice
I suppose this would be "moments," but I'm counting it as one. The first was just a short appearance in a match, the second was a longer guest hosting run. Trish was the first woman to make me stand up, so to speak, and pay attention to the WWE Divas, and for good reason. Aside from being ridiculously easy on the eye, she's got a fun personality and was a good worker, to the point to where she was having some really great matches at the end of her career. Seeing her back on Raw had me excited every time. In every way.
Favorite Smackdown Moment - Jeff Hardy run off the road
At least it wasn't because of drugs.
Favorite TNA Moment - Kevin Nash seduces Lauren
A backstage segment of possibly a minute, but indicative of the whole company: poorly written, poorly executed, and way too much Kevin Nash.
Wrestler I'd Most Like to Slap in the Face - Jeff Hardy
The Miz is a close second, and I mean very close; were I to line up wrestlers according to how much I want to hit them in the face, Miz would be caught with the follow-through. However, Hardy takes this one, because he's so frustrating. He's like that friend of yours that just can't stop messing up, even though he's a credit away from his college degree. Hardy could be one of the top faces in the company and continue to have great matches if he would just get his life straightened out. Not that I would love to have him back on the mic, but he was a great feud for C.M. Punk and could continue to contribute to the product had he not decided to let his contract run out and have a drug fiesta at his house.
Favorite Hog - Randy Orton
Really, is there any question about this?
Most LOL Worthy Wrestler (funny) - Santino
Santino is lucky in finding something that he does well and just running with it. He may never be a main eventer, but he more than makes up for it with his entertaining appearances every week. Sure it's juvenile sometimes, and sure it's hack other times, but Santino's got a pretty solid batting average when it comes to making me laugh.
Most LOL Worth Wrestler (sad) - Hulk Hogan
Talk about screwing your life up. Hulk Hogan was never high on my list as a wrestler I was fond of later in life; getting smart to the business meant learning that Hogan wasn't really as great a guy as I hoped he would be when I was a kid. Nevertheless, he was still great on TV back when he made his return run with the WWE a few years ago.
Now, his life more resembles that of a Jerry Springer guest, albeit a very rich one. His kid gets thrown in jail, he has one of the messiest divorces you can imagine, and maintains a just-the-other-side-of-creepy relationship with his daughter. Too often he comes off as a has-been that just doesn't realize he's not as great as he once was.
Greatest Inspiration - Batista
An odd choice you might think, and this one is certainly a little more "inside baseball" than it probably should be, but no one lends themselves to the type of humor we do here more than Big Dave. Hell, Batista was the impetus for the whole damn blog, because we just had too much fun slapping overly exuberant phrases on his pictures. And to this day, I look forward to the times when I can make something for the site featuring The Animal. It's so much fun to turn your mind into that of an 11-year-old and just flip the F out for Batista. In fact, I'll do it now...
2 comments:
I do so love when you say serious things. Happy holidaying!
I believed you both looked past Shelton for best hog, I feel awkward watching his matches like I did when I was a kid walking through the lingerie department at JC Pennys. constantly trying to keep my eyes up
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