OH BABY, I like it Raw! Ya missed me??

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

UPDATE: Apparently "text-only" really did mean text only, as I somehow failed to even get the couple pictures I did want to post onto the site. It's been fixed. Men, please gawk away. Ladies too, if you're into that sort of thing. ~LTM

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...

Ah yes...as with all good things, they must end. Such is the case with our vacation. Though, I suppose from your point of view, that's not such a good thing. In any case, the Laugh Twins are back in town, and here's Raw, leading the charge as always.

Now, I know that the idea should be to come back from vacation with full steam, but that's just not my style. Of course, at this point, I don't really have much of a choice. You see, the site from where I normally draw my photos and then make them hilarious is not working for me right now. Considering I'm working against a deadline, I'm going to go ahead and call and audible and make this one a text-only recap. I know, I know; complain all you want. I don't give a damn. You write for five days a week for over a year and see every last post comes out the way you want it to. Kiss my ass!

Anyway, our hosts for the night are Nancy O'Dell and Maria Menounos from Access Hollywood. I'm pretty sure I can dig up a photo of them...

Oh my Lord...

Yes, I know. Easily qualifying for two divas themselves. And Nancy immediately started making waves, tell Chris Jericho to shove off when he was trying to address the audience. No one wants to get insulted to start the show! We want to have fun!!

Bring out Triple H of DX. I say "of DX" because we don't have a full tag team tonight; Shawn is apparently at home with his sick daughter. What. A. Wimp. What Hunter meant to tell us is that Shawn would be at the show, but all he cares about is his money and not the fans. Being a good friend, Trips calls up HBK to annoy him while he's not at Raw.

We all hate to be interrupted while we're on the phone, and big-time wrestlers are no different. Team JeriTall had to come and spoil the fun for all of us, and Triple H was none too pleased. Talk turned to the upcoming pay-per-view Bragging Rights, and Jericho informed us that he is Smackclown's team captain. Of course, even though Jericho has more talent, charisma and title reigns under his belt, Big Show took a little offense to being called second fiddle, and for whatever reason decided he wanted to be on Team Raw for the PPV. How do we settle these disputes on Earth-53?? A match of course! Show will face Jericho, and if he wins, he can be on Team Raw.

Jericho had a plan from the start on how to win this match. He eventually fake a knee injury on the outside of the ring. Big Show was lured to check on his tag partner, and Jericho waited until the count reached nine before sliding back in the ring.

Well, that was the plan, but of course it didn't work out that way. Show didn't even have to stop Jericho - he just didn't make it back to the ring in time. Nice going, dumbass. So Big Show will be on Team Raw, and I'm pretending to be excited about that!

Jillian Hall beat Mickie James to become the Divas Champion for all of a minute, and then that interfering Nancy O'Dell had to tell us she engineered a Diva trade over the weekend, and in waltzed Melina from Smackdown to take the belt away from Jillian. That's not really fair, my friend.

Ok, ok. You convinced me. You had me at "low-cut top."

So Melina is our new Divas Champ. Yay to that as well.

Mr. Cena, Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase, Jr. would all face-off in another Team Raw qualifying match, with the winner going to be added to the team. And get this - Cody won. I know! The man who can't fight his way out of a paper bag managed to fight out of two paper bags and get the pinfall. Teddy, naturally, wasn't happy with this, but here came Nancy again to save the day, making a match that pitted Legacy against the tag team of Cena and Randy Orton. Well, that just makes everything better, doesn't it?

Another match, another qualifier. I guess we're going to have all of these tonight? Jack Swagger versus MVP. Raise your hand if you care which one of these jerk-offs gets on the team (hint: I'm not raising mine). Please welcome your newest Team Raw member: Jack Swagger.

Kofi Kingston came out to prove just why he's my LOLie pick as Wrestler of the Year and beat Evan Bourne into the ground to become the next member of Team Raw. Now, I know that Kofi could beat Bourne any night of the week, and I'd hate to say there's some conspiracy afoot, but there is Affirmative Action in this country. I'm just sayin'...meaning "I'm just saying he was put on the team because he is of a different race," in case you were unclear on that.

Co-host Maria Menounos somehow got embroiled in a match, which would find her tagging up with Gail Kim and Kelly-squared. I wouldn't mind seeing those tag up elsewhere. "Elsewhere" meaning the bedroom, or perhaps the main stage of some seedy club. They would be facing Beth Phoenix, Alicia Fox and Rosa Mendez. Despite all that wrestling ability on the other side of the ring, Team Hot Chicks came out on top of this one.

Now came time for the big match of the night - this cluster of a tag match. Cena started things off, but quickly tagged in Orton, prompting the question "What's he going to do against his partners in Legacy??" or perhaps the bigger question "Why doesn't he just leave?" He didn't have answer either of those, as Ted quickly went after him and Randy quickly tagged back out. Damn it...just as things were getting good.

Cena set up his finisher, but right before he could pull it off, Orton kicked him in the stomach! That's no way to treat a teammate! As Orton kicked Cena into the corner, Ted moved in for the roll-up on Randy and the win. And afterward, Randy got the Attitude Adjustment anyway. How in the world that three-to-one advantage didn't work out for Orton is beyond me.

Tune in tonight for a match that has no reason to happen: Triple H versus John Cena! This should be exciting to watch!! USA at 9/8c!!