R U READY TO DOWN SOME SMACK??? Hell in a Cell

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

We all know that this past Sunday was WWE's first ever Hell in a Cell PPV, and it emanated live from my home state of New Jersey in the beautiful Prudential Center right in the heart of beautiful downtown Newark! Ironically, now that I live in New York, I am closer to Newark then when I used to live in New Jersey. Now, as I hinted at last week, I was in fact Newark this weekend! And what a tale it is!

I know, I'm pretty excited too.

First thing I had to do was go to Intern Brian's apartment and help him set up a new TV he bought. This was terrible because he lives right in the middle of Midtown, which is full of tourists and fats, aka, the two classes of people who don't walk correctly. He did make it up to me by making this. That took a little longer then originally imagined, and then we were off to take the PATH train (Port Authority Trans-Hudson, newb) to Newark. Stupid us. Stupid stupid us.

You see, what we forgot is that on the weekend, the PATH runs a little slower (because why would anyone want to go into New York on the weekend, right?). So in addition to not running as frequently, we had to go out into Hoboken, then back around to get to Jersey City to switch to the Newark line. Normally the ride from New York to Newark on the PATH is about 30 minutes, the same as taking an NJ Transit train, but this is cheaper. But on the weekend schedule, try an hour. And we were already running late!

Anyway, we got there just in time for the show to start. Luckily our seats were good and we were in the lower bowl. So no long lines to get to them. But you know what? Why bother? It was terrible! The Devils played like such ass, and Brodeur couldn't stop a beach ball. And there were Flyers fans everywhere and it was just an ugly night. Thankfully, the two Devils I have on my fantasy team both scored goals, so it wasn't a complete wash. But I'm concerned with their inability to pass so far this year, plus it took a last second goal to beat Tampa Bay last night. Tampa! The second worst team in the NHL last year!

This is what we call a "Bait and Switch"

Oh, you thought I went to Hell in a Cell? Why would I have done that? At the least Devils' game might not have been terrible. Hell in a Cell was guaranteed to be.

About that terrible PPV. It stunk. Not all of it, but the general concept and some silly booking decisions really left something foul in my metaphorical mouth. Let's start with the show opener, CM Punk defending the world title against the Undertaker in the cell.


For some reason, they keep booking Punk in gimmick matches with short time limits. So they just turn into spot fests. This one was no different.

Leg dropping pensively, planning his next toot.

Look at Punk's arms! He thinks he's flyin!

Punk actually kicked out of this, so he did look strong. However, it was not enough as-

The worst 69 ever

Taker must have caught some pubes in his mouth

Now, I know that with three cell matches you have to space them out so as not to fatigue the crowd. And I also know that this match was originally slated to go on last, but Undertaker called an audible because he didn't think he could physically deliver a PPV closing match. But therein lies the problem. Why turn "the most demonic, career ender" match into just a filler match in a two month feud? Why have three cell matches on one card anyway? It's not like you risk overexposing the gimmick to when it can no longer draw, right? And why put the title on a guy who isn't there physically, anyway?


Thankfully, Dolph Ziggler and John Morrison had a pretty awesome IC title match.

I know how these boys feel

Anyway, nothing much to say for this one other than that it was a good back and forth match with a lot of nearfalls. There were come fast paced spots like this neck breaker-

Thank God his neck really isn't broken, because we know what that leads to.

And Morrison's numerous attempts at the Starship Pain.

Starship also built a city.

Of course, that's it, so Ziggler is now 0-3 in his IC title shots. I've got to imagine that's it for him and he'll be pushed down the card, which is a shame as he can really go and wears some sweet Zubaz. Still, he's no longer credible in the eyes of fans. So I guess it's time to bring on...MIKE KNOX OMG!!!!?

Also, why that match followed a World Title match in a cell is beyond me, when they very well could have brought the crowd back down with a Divas match or this worthless R-Truth/Drew McIntyre thing.

For all those flamboyent shirts, why wear just plain old black tights?

Anyway, McIntyre won his match with a real gay pin.

Real gay

And yes, I'm aware that match went on after the Unified Tag Title match, but you really can't expect me to end this with Drew McIntyre taking R-Truth down to Uncle Touchy's Naked Puzzle Basement (you won't wear a shirt and you'll cry), can you?

What's the best way to reward Rey Mysterio for returning from his drug suspension? Give him a title match on PPV! Hey, being rewarded for stupidity is practically the "K" in RKO. Of course it's against- UH-OH!- the Big Show!

I got it, one dude is very big and one dude is smaller then average

Thankfully, Rey has a partner. Someone who is smarter then Rey by never failing a Wellness test, THE ANIMAL!!!!BATISTA!!!!!


And there was teamwork!

It's like when your dad let's you see the fireworks

Way to provide some support there, Dave

So sure, Chris Jericho might be out of the picture, but that still leaves Fat Justin Credible/Fatter Penn Gillette to handle this. Can he possible leash The Animal?

Reminds me of buying a choke coller for my dog

This match is all done now. But wait it's the





Oh, well never mind then. JeriTall with the win again. Try again, you prodigious down-and-outers.

That's the whole show! And that's it for us! Time now to sip some tropical umbrella drinks on the beach! Vacation! It's all I ever wanted! Vacation! Just have to get away! Oh, and watch Smackdown tonight at 8/7c on MyNetwork TV. Or over on that website that Fox and NBC own, and ABC is now a part of.