Breaking up is hard to do

We Laugh Twins have a way of seeing the future. Now, we're not claiming that we're precognitive or anything, but we just like to sit back and let things develop. It seems that the world is on a 24 hour new cycle; we're not.



Perhaps that's the reason we didn't jump on the following when it broke a few weeks ago.

WWE Announcer/Singer / Female / All Ethnicities / 20 - 30

Description: WWE is looking for a young, attractive female to sing the national anthem and be our regular ring announcer every week, for one of our most popular TV shows (WWE is estimated to be seen in 500,000,000 households in 150 countries/30 languages)...

This is a breakout job for any young singer. Please specify on submissions if anyone has appeared on American Idol, making the Band or any show of this comparison.
Rate:depends on talent

Yes, for a hot second the wrestlewebz were all aflutter with why there needed to be a new ring announcer. Was Lilian Garcia about to be "FIRRRREEEEEDDD!"? Or would Smackdown and/or ECW have their own Latin spice to sing our anthem? Is this the end of that pervert, Tony Chimel's, employment within WWE? Is this going to be like the Monday Night Wars again, where talent jumps between promotions as a sign of a major coup? Will Jeremy Borash be leaving TNA to join WWE?


Of course, someone had to go and spoil all the fun. No. not Howard Finkel. Lilian Garcia herself! Here's the good word straight out of her mouth:

Hi Everyone,

I hope all of you are doing well! I am writing to address the situation in which WWE is looking for a Female Ring Announcer/Singer. The truth of the matter is that they are looking for someone new because I have given them my notice that I will be leaving at the end of my contract this year. It is with a heavy heart that I have made this decision because WWE has been my family from day one and you, the WWE Universe have always been incredible to me. The fact is that I am getting married later this year and have decided to enter into a new phase of my life but I will truly miss all of you and the WWE tremendously.

Love you all & keep rockin!

Forever Rockin’,
Lilian :-)

And our response:

Hi Lilian,

We are doing very well. Thanks for asking! How are you? Yes, this new female ring announcer situation was perplexing. Thanks for clearing up the confusion! Our hearts are also heavy that you have decided to leave WWE. We're glad you recognize how incredible we've been to you. Still, congratulations on the engagement! When's the wedding? Where are you registered? Is it a double wedding with Todd Grisham? That'd be really cute, LOL.

Love you and YOU keep rockin!

Forever rollin,

Twins 8->

Yes, Lilian. We will miss you, whenever it is that you finally step away. So please allow us a brief moment to remember the good times.

OH BABY, I like it Raw! American Bashed!

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...




"The Bash" was last night, so we'll be getting to that momentarily. But first, we should cover one thing that happened on Raw last week. We have a new owner!

No, this isn't a repeat from the week before. Raw has it's second new owner in as many weeks, and really, this one isn't new at all.



Yeah, Mr. McMahon got tired of being in asinine bits, like having his limo break down and his office moved into the men's restroom (the restroom?? That's no place to conduct business! Har har har har har!!) So Vince decided to buy back Raw from Donald Trump.

Look, I know it's hack to make fun of Trump's hair, but seriously dude??

McMahon's first order of business was to make Orton versus Triple H at "The Bash" in a Three Stages of Hell competition. So, you're not going to get one overdone match, you're going to get three. Yay.

Stock up.

So, moving on to "The Bash"...

Still no.

Raw has, effectively, two matches on the card - Cena vs. Miz and Orton vs. HHH. Folks, can you tell me how many of these matches we should be excited for?


Let's start with John Cena versus that heel-of-all-heels, The Miz. Oh man, do I want to see that clean-cut and friendly Mr. Cena beat up The Miz. He's just so cocky. He needs a good butt kicking to show him the error of his ways.


Wait, who am I rooting for again?

Oh right, LOL, Wresslin' fav Mr. John Cena!

Shoot yourself if you get this.

It actually wasn't all Cena during this match. The Miz got in a little offense himself.

Apparently WWE.com writers are now getting their ideas from signs in the crowd.

But it ended just like we knew it would.


So that happened.

We also had the Three Stages of Hell match, but Orton may be in a little trouble here. It seems Teddy and Cody didn't win their tag match earlier in the night and were a little bummed out about that. These men are top notch competitors, so that's reasonable.

However, Orton wasn't having any of that. He want clear heads, since their job was to ensure that he won the WWE Championship later that night. Poor Teddy got hims feelings hurt, and stormed off. It seems he doesn't like to be a lackey for Orton. Uhh, sorry bud, but that's what you are. That's what happens when you're the unestablished member of a stable. Get used to it.

Despite the uncertainty, the match must go on. The first match doesn't take too long.

I thought "Cerebral Assassin" meant more than just hitting someone in the head with a chair.

Trips gives up one fall so he can smash Orton with a chair a few times. Doesn't really seem fair, but whatever. I don't make the rules. Seeing as the second match was Falls Count Anywhere, HHH took Orton to the outside, hit a pedigree and quickly evened up the score.

Finally, a STRETCHER MATCH! This is where you have to put your opponent on a stretcher and push them to a certain point outside of the ring. It's also, by the way, how you spell "big drama."






However, the tables would be turned again, and Orton, with a little help from both Legacy members, would retain the title.

But...

He's...right...behind...YOU...

Yeah, Hunter would get the last word, in the form of a sledgehammer to the skull of Randy. Some things just never change.

Will Orton now have to forfeit the title? What changes does Vince have in store for Raw? Will there be commercials?? Find out at 9/8c on USA!

R U READY TO DOWN SOME SMACK??? Rampage in Roanoke

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

One more Smackdown before The Great American Bash at the Beach! To get ready for The Bash we'll have to get ready for tonight by remembering what happened last week! See, I just recounted the intro! PADDING!

Anyway, as you've been reading the last few weeks, Smackdown has been dominated by a few, amazing feuds; CM Punk/Jeff Hardy/Edge, Chris Jericho/Rey Mysterio, and...Dolph Ziggler/The Great Khali??? Yes, the Big Zig has decided to make his mark on Smackdown by taking on the biggest, dumbest former World Champion this side of The Big Show.


The Great Khali is very large and Dolph Ziggler is an incompetent buffoon. This should be a cake walk. But is he really so incompetent? When Khali's interpreter distracted the ref for some reason, Ziggler found that to be an opportune moment. He got the deadliest weapon of all, the steel chair!

Above: Reason to like The Miz

But rather then use it he just threw it at Khali and fell down! What a maroon!

Yes, we finally caught on to this tired meme. Up next: Chocolate Rain parodies.

And the referee disqualified The Great Khali? Even though he didn't hear the chair hit anything, see a dent in the chair? Or did he forget that Dolph Ziggler is an arrogant twerp who would not be above winning like this?

The subtitle makes this book interesting.

They'll bash again at a beach or something...

Here's a photo of Melina.

If she weren't wearing pants, I'd have a clear view of her vagina...

Now for the other feuds. Remember a few weeks back when Chris Jericho pretended to be a Rey Mysterio fan and got the drop on that hot tamale? Well two can play that game, as Rey Mysterio pretended to be a Chris Jericho Rey Mysterio fan and attack Rey Mysterio Chris Jericho.

Above: El Shempo

Now notice, how the referee is watching Jeff Hardy's latest "episode." He didn't see this Mexican cross the border between fan and wrestler! Thus, a noticeably upset Jericho got counted out a.k.a. THE CHEAPEST WIN EVER!!! Well, Jeff Hardy couldn't have that.


Of course, Rey wasn't done tonight (last week!). He had a match with the World Champion, CM Punk! And Chris Jericho was guest commentator! Because that's not suspicious in the least!

Imagine John Madden doing color commentary wearing only briefs and championship gold

Anyway, I have a soft spot in my heart for the interns over at WWE.com. They come up with the most ridiculousness/awesome captions for their photos. But this one right here...well.

Above: Huh?

What does that even mean? How does a "true luchador" fight anguish?

Above: True Luchadores

Still, they thankfully redeemed themselves with this next beauty.

Har har

Then, after some predictable Jericho interference Mysterio went to sleep.

I wonder what it's like to lay bare backed on another man's sweaty, bare stomach...

And then for some reason, Jeff Hardy wanted to protest the match result due to the interference. Listen, your majesty, I know you were screwed out of your two title reigns. And I know your all tired and don't think things are fair. But quit being a bitch. Seriously. Quit being a bitch. It's not like you won your match clean.

I'm not liking this new fade of extreme facial closeups on a shirt (mind out of the gutter, people).

Last Smackdown before ANOTHER PPV. Better watch it tonight (or tomorrow, or whenever on hulu) at 8/7c (or after the Yankee game, if you live in NY) on MyNetwork TV (or hulu)!

Black Lesnar

We don't talk much about the world outside of wrestling around here. We are, after all, the wrestling comedy blog of record, so it makes sense that we might be a little provincial. But there's life outside wrestling.

Like MMA! Of course, we've been a little hard on them in the past. However, from time to time, a news item comes across our LOL desk that makes us take notice of WWE's harder-hitting cousin. Plus, it helps when it concerns a former professional wrestler. You can't expect us to go too far out of comfort zone.

In this case, Brock Lesnar gave an interview to the magazine Maxim, where he talked about a number of topics, such as his career in the WWE, his upcoming fight with Frank Mir, and steroids. It's this last issue that we'd like to focus on here.

Lesnar says that he's taken drug tests all through his professional career, and he's upset by the question of whether he's ever used steroids. It prompts this sort of response:

God gave me this body: Are you jealous of it or what? Give me a break. I got the genetics of—not to get into racism or anything—but I’m built like a black man.

Read that again. "I'm built like a black man." Lesser bloggers may talk about the racist tones of that statement, but we think that's ridiculous. Seriously, he says that he doesn't want to "get into racism or anything," so that point is clearly moot. We, however, are merely curious if it's true.

Here's a picture of Brock Lesnar:


In examining if his body is that of a black man, we'd like to compare three aspects of his physique - the legs, the trapezius muscles, and the arms. So we searched to see if there were, in fact, black men who were built comparably to Mr. Lesnar. Here's what we found.

Let's start with the legs:


That's Canadian Olympic sprinter Ben Johnson. There's quite obviously some similarities. You can clearly see the outline of the quadriceps, and they are both quite larger. Actually, Lesnar's may even be larger, so in this case, his body is better than that of a black man.

Now, let's take a look at those traps, one of the most prominent features of Lesnar's build. For those who are unaware, the trapezius muscle runs from your back to your shoulder, then up to your neck. If you still don't understand, it's those huge triangles on either side of his head. For this one, we found eight-time Mr. Olympia, Ronnie Coleman.


Look at those things! That's insane! But no more insane than Brock's. We think he has a point on this one too. So far, Brock seems to be proving his side of things.

Now the arms. Sure, there are plenty of people with big arms to go around, but we thought where better to find some real guns than in the world of baseball? So we present to your our final example, MLB slugger Barry Bonds, who unfortunately doesn't have a large selection of photos with his arms exposed.

But this one just fits the site so well.

We think here you could say again that Lesnar just might have our research beat. So in all three cases, Brock is either built like, or better than, a black man. Perhaps it really does have nothing to do with steroids at all!

Oh wait. All of these guys have either tested postive, admitted to, or been accused under oath of taking steroids.

Whoops. Our bad.

Maybe we should ask Brock's wife Sable if he were perhaps talking about a different part of his anatomy.

W.W.W. featuring Goldberg versus Ric Flair and The Spirit Squad with C.M. Punk

On Wednesdays, we here at LOL, Wresslin' like to really pull out the stops and offer up a double shot of righteously killer content. Why Wednesday? Well, we could impress you with market research, work habit studies, and human psychology tendencies to show you there's a scientific reason the middle of the week is the best time to bring your A-game. However, truth be told, we don't have any of that stuff and settled on Wednesday because that was the only day that didn't have any content scheduled.

So, here you have "Watch Wresslin' Wednesdays." Please feel free to suggest a better title, because we are woefully uncreative when it comes to naming stuff.

Better at naming stuff than us.

The idea of W.W.W. is we each send the other a video that is related to wrestling (a match, promo, interview, guest starring spot, etc.). The only restriction is that it cannot be user-created, so your cover of Rick Derringer's "Real American" ain't gonna fly here, pal. Neither of us know what kind of video we're going to get that day.

After viewing, we each write a response. This could be anything we choose: a straight commentary, a philosophical enlightenment, or classless ridicule. Just as we don't know what kind of video the other will select, neither do we know what the other will write or how they will write it. What you end up with is a mash-up of styles, which in our book equates to two-blogs-in-one, and we can take the rest of the day off.

(Note: Adam is taking the week off, so our counter-part from across the pond, Ray of Wrestlegasm, is filling in this week.)

Ray's video to Matt - Goldberg confronts Flair's son



Matt's response...

First of all, nice going Ray. You're first stab at a W.W.W. and you pick a doozy (or is it "doozie" in the UK?). You pretty much hit all the right beats of a good video - insanity, violence against non-wrestlers, violence against family members, yelling, and Ric Flair. If I had a fake applause sound effect to play for you, I would.

The LOL, Wresslin' equivalent.

Alright, to the video. Let me just say that I happen to agree with Goldberg here. David Flair doesn't have any business anywhere near Goldberg. He certainly doesn't need to be poking him in the chest. That's just silly. Why would you do that, David? We all know Reid is the one with the drinking problem, so you can't use that a crutch.

But of course, I can't blame Ric Flair for coming to the rescue either. Really, anything to get Flair into the ring is fine by me, so beat up his kid all you want.

Flair has always been a curiosity to me. Let's just take a look at what happens in this video. He overacts. He takes ridiculous bumps. He rolls on the ground for no apparent reason. Ask yourself if you would take any other wrestler seriously if they pulled that kind of stuff. There's no way. No way. But Slick Ric has been doing it since the beginning of time, and we worship it.

I'm not standing on the outside criticizing either. I'm right there with you, cheering every ridiculous thing this man does. For instance, when Goldberg says that Ric has "stepped over the line" (which line?), Ric retorts, "I AM THE LINE!" and barrel rolls across the ring.

Goldberg = confused

What?? Why?? What sense does that make? Forget the physical stunting; what does "I am the line" mean? But for whatever reason, the first time I watched it, I said, "Shit yeah, Goldberg. Ric Flair is the line." That's how good he is.

Before that, he screamed into the mic "I'VE LOST MY MIND?!"

Well, when you put it like THAT

Now, I did a little extra work and watched the match that was set up at the end of this video. Let me tell you, Goldberg must have taken at least six shots to the crotch. Since it was Goldberg, you know that had to hurt.

His nickname in this movie was "Sledgehammer."

Goldberg ended up winning that match, but not by beating Ric, of course. No, about twenty guys in "nWo" shirts jumped him. This was WCW in 1999, after all.

Matt's video to Ray - The Spirit Squad trying to recruit CM Punk



Ray's response...

First of all, let me say how strange but particularly exciting it feels to be hanging out at the Texas branch of LOL Wresslin. I feel a little bit like I’m trespassing and am pretty sure I’ll open a door to have a bucket of water fall on my head or something. I was also wholly convinced that my video would be something odd and unfathomable, engineered to catch me out and leave me with nothing to say. Imagine my joy at finding a humorous CM Punk video in my email inbox.

I’m sure this was selected because of my over-the-top creepy crushing on CM Punk. But the first thing that grabbed my shoulders and shook me was Dolph Ziggler, or ‘Nicky’ as he was known while appearing as an enthusiastic member of The Spirit Squad. So he does know how to get a half decent hair-do after all? What an earth possessed him to stick his head in to a pan of toilet bleach?

Anyway, I have a confession to make. As a British girl whose interest in American culture has varied over the years from mild fascination to writing a full dissertation on Irish employment opportunities in Boston post-Potato Famine, cheerleading has always held a special place in my heart. When I was last in the US, I happened upon a high school basketball game and spent the entire match watching the cheerleaders in awe. Look…..

Their team was losing, so they ate pizza and talked to boys.

So, when I saw Ziggler and Co. were trying to recruit CM Punk my mental video library of trash movies went in to overdrive, flicked through the rolodex and found itself at Bring it On. One of the greatest movies to ever be shot. If you’re not familiar, Kirsten Dunst and her team of guys and gals realise that their long-running success at the Cheerleading National Championships is solely down to the fact that their previous captain was stealing routines from the less financially viable ghetto school, East Compton. I won’t tell you any more in case I ruin the story for you. I can tell you’re just dying to run out and buy a copy.

But I will tell you why I’m harping on about this film. There’s a scene towards the beginning where Kirsten Dunst and her team are recruiting for a new member and I was reminded of it while watching this. CM Punk IS Eliza Dushku. Yep. It’s true!

They both rub off their tattoos:

They both have the same look of horror on their faces that this peppy, perky world of cheer begins to permeate their hard exterior.

They both pretend to be overly excited about getting to wear matchy-matchy cheer outfits when actually the idea repulses them.

They are both the cruel victims of ‘Spirit Fingers.'

Of course, the glaring difference between Punk and Eliza is that Eliza’s character joins the squad, helps to unite the group and despite never fully losing her feisty exterior, she crosses over to the pep side and gets a new BFF in Kirsten Dunst.

Punk, on the other hand, continues to go through the world alone, without a friend to call his own. But oh, how sweet would it have been if he had taken up their offer? To quote a line from my other favourite piece of cinematic baloney (Mean Girls) “….it’s like watching a dog walk on its hind legs.” It seems so wrong, and yet, you cannot take your eyes away. It’s ok, Punky. Ray will be your friend. And no pom-poms will be put in to operation. (Unless specifically requested.)