OH BABY, I like it Raw! EXTREME RECAP

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...



Today is Monday, and I woke up this morning thinking to myself that it just feels so...ordinary. Nothing special about it at all. Nothing unexpected. Nothing EXTREME.

Maybe that's because the WWE continued it's great tradition of that June pay-per-view everyone has grown up loving, EXTREME RULES. All of the "extreme" has been sucked from the world, leaving us with just a bland and cageless aftertaste. So let's take a look at what happened on the Raw side of things.

MY EYES! TOO EXTREME!!

First we have a Fatal Four Way for the U.S. Title. How'd this match get in here?


You have Kofi, MVP, William Regal, and Matt Hardy. So naturally the two faces worked together to beat up their common enemy. You mostly had the heels acting as rag dolls for the crowd's entertainment.

Don't feed me no bologna, I want a Manwich.

But we can't be having title switches just yet, so Kofi found a way to conquer all odds and retain the U.S. Title. John Candy would be so proud.

Next for Raw is Santino/a versus Vickie Guerrero for the Miss Wrestlemania crown in a Hog Pen Match. Why are they having matches for this crown? If you win the Miss Wrestlemania crown at "Extreme Rules," does it really count? Wouldn't you be "Miss Extreme Rules"? This doesn't make any sense.

Seriously, this is all you need to know about this match:


Yes, those are real pigs. This was stupid. Santino wins, which pretty much means this stupid "Santina" character is going to continue.

Too soon for a David Carradine joke here? Eh, I'll skip it...

Now for the extreme WWE Title match, with Orton and Batista in a steel cage. This should be considered a handicap match, since a cage is the Animal's natural environment. At the very least, Dave has home field advantage. That was apparent, as Randy spent pretty much all the match trying to climb the fence and escape.

Why do people try to climb over? THERE'S A DOOR.

But there's no escaping this pen. These rules are extreme, and so is Batista.

I don't know how many times we've run a photo like this.

Batista hit the aptly named "Batista Bomb" and pinned Orton for the belt. So, Dave is your new WWE Champion, and we're left with one of the saddest pictures of Randy Orton to date.

I know why the caged bird sings.

Or maybe this one is the saddest...


Finally is the Submission Match. These matches can be cool, when worked between two guys who are versed at submission holds and can make things look really devastating for their opponent. This one, however, was between John Cena and the Big Show, completely tossing out any chance that this was going to be entertaining.

Is he shoving Cena into a swimming pool?

This was made all the more painful to watch since the Big Show clearly didn't understand the rules.


Seriously, if you want to know how the match went, just look at this picture:

This x 20:00 = FAIL

However, against all odds, as he always is, Mr. Cena managed to get the Giant to tap out.

And allowed WWE.com writers to caption "Submission accomplished!" I love you.

So that's Raw's portion of the big program, and it certainly set up so many wonderful things to happen tonight. I can barely wait for 9/8c on USA!