OH BABY, I like it Raw! Lumber liquidator

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...



Allow me to explain the subtitle of today's post. As you may know, I unapologetically steal them from WWE.com, who usually knocks it out of the park with some pun or cute little joke. This time, however, was a little weak. You see, guest host Jeremy Piven made a lumberjack match later in the night, hence the title "Lumber liquidator." Even "Lumberjack liquidator" would have been better. Or "Prime-Time Piven." Or "Cena's got the Goods," which will make sense later.

Anyway, that's how we start Raw, with Piven making a lumberjack match between Mr. Cena and the Miz. The edge of my seat never had it so good. To make matters better, if Miz loses, he is banned from Raw, banned from SummerSlam and banned from the Staples Center.


We had a tag team Divas match, but seeing as it didn't involve Kelly Kelly, I don't really see the point. If you're interested, Team Mean Girls, Beth Phoenix and Jillian Hall beat Mickie and Gail Kim.

It's true...blondes (and whites) do have more fun.

The Legacy continues to prove they are the most confusing tag team on the face of the planet. They can't beat the aging office worker Shane McMahon, but dispense with Triple H in fairly decent fashion. This during a 2-on-1 Handicap Match.

Another great Cody Rhodes photoshopping opportunity, if anyone's inclined.

HHH, not one to be overshadowed, decided to get on the mic after having his butt whipped. He seemed to suggest that he would be putting DX back together, only having to make one phone call.


Unfortunately, later in the night, we saw Trips on the phone with "someone," asking them to come back. That person apparently explained to Hunter that they weren't watching Raw. Don't feel too bad though; I think most families with a Nielsen ratings box feel the same way.

And now for the time when the WWE gives away a PPV match for free. Admittedly, not a great one - Carlito versus Primo. Still, it's a storyline that should culminate at some PPV somewhere. But, to no one's surprise, Carlito beat up Primo. It must be all those apples.

Mark Henry continued to prove that he's just happy to be employed, with guest host Jeremy Piven promising Chavo Guerrero a match with Hornswoggle (again), but instead putting him in the ring with "Mark-swoggle."

The strongest man in the world, folks.

Kofi Kingston retained his U.S. Title against the Big Show, simply because Show is too stupid to follow the rules. He got himself disqualfied by beating up Kofi in the corner for too long, marking the first time a professional wrestling referee has decided to enforce that rule.

Finally, it's the Lumberjack Match. Piven was visited earlier in the night by Randy Orton and curiously enough, when the Lumberjacks came out, they were all heels. Not a friend of Mr. Cena's among them. This could be bad.


Yes, Cena did Monday nights a favor and pinned Miz, banning him from our world. You're welcome Smackdown (or ECW, but really, who cares?) Still, the night wasn't over until Randy Orton got to beat someone up, and he went right after Cena. So did Piven and his co-host Dr. Ken (that asian dude in funny movies these days). See if you can guess what happened to them...


Yay! Good work! Be sure to tune in tonight, when an old favorite, Sergeant Slaughter, is the guest host! 9/8c on USA! Ten-hut!

Oh also, Piven totally has a movie coming out this week.