OH BABY, I like it Raw! Shaq Attaq

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

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So, the night after Night of Champions. What did it have in store for us? What wonders would we be wondered by?

First order of business is the celebrity guest host, which this week (last week!) is Shaq. Shaquille O'Neal, for those of you who aren't in the know. Shaq already started shaking the foundations of Raw when he came up with five "Beat the Clock" challenges, with the winner challenging Randy Orton at SummerSlam. Wow, he really knows how to give the fans something special! This is all wrestling so far!

Oh, also he has a TV show coming.

Jericho, because he's a heel, was upset that Shaq didn't come talk to him before he came out. For whatever reason, that offended him, and he got his teammate Big Show to go tell Shaq just how much.

So much meat.

Naturally, Shaq did what every celebrity guest does - get bullied into a match. The big guy is going to be special enforcer in a match between the tag team of Jericho and Show and.....Cryme Tyme? Seriously?

As we move along, Mark Henry beat Carlito, setting the first time to beat at 6:49. Well, that's getting broken.

Then it's time for six Diva action! Mickie came to flaunt her new title, and brought a couple of friends along for the ride. The good girls won, but really, didn't we all?


Our next "Beat the Clock" match featured MVP. And who would his opponent be?


CHRIS MASTERS??

That's right, though he'd be lucky if half the people watching today remember him. Masters foiled MVP's chances at winning the challenge by causing a double count-out when he used his "modified" full nelson outside the ring.


U.S. Champion Kofi Kingston easily defeated The (Now Unemployed) Brian Kendrick.


Triple H is the next contestant on "The Time is Right," going up against Cody Rhodes. Of course, this match wouldn't involve a member of Legacy if another member didn't butt their way in. Teddy D interfered, causing the time to run out. Mark Henry is still on top the mountain!


I'm not going to bother with Hornswoggle and Chavo this week. Chavo was in a blindfold. So should have been the audience.

Our next match on the clock would be Jack Swagger against Evan Bourne (just so you know, Jack Swagger is the one trying to beat the clock). This could be difficult, but I think he can get it done in less than-

WHAAATTT?

That's right, Swagger didn't even win. What's wrong with these people? Don't they know their each supposed to win progressively faster, ramping up the drama until the final competitor of the night??


Alright Mr. Cena, last chance. He's facing the Miz. For the second time tonight, I say, "Seriously?" Provided you didn't know exactly what was going to happen, Miz quickly tapped out to the STF, giving Cena the win faster than Mark Henry. Of course, that prompted this.

"I'm here to taunt you with this championship gold."

Finally, it's our main event, featuring our guest host of the night. As special enforcer, Shaq would do nothing during the match to help his friends in Cryme Tyme, making me wonder just what the point of a special enforcer is anyway. However, once the boyz won via DQ, Shaq sprang into action, and pushed Big Show.

What you've all been waiting for.

Jeremy Piven is your guest host this week. If you don't know who he is, just know he's got a movie coming out soon. Tune in at 9/8c on USA to find out more about it!