OH BABY, I like it Raw! Oh so Stratusfying

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...



Last week was a big one for Raw. First off, we were fresh off a pay-per-view, "Breaking Point." (You're welcome for the coverage of that, by the way, unlike some people I know) Second, we had a new champion, unlike some other people I know, seeing fit to shoddily recreate one of the most unfortunate moments in the business just because they're not smart enough to book a legit title match in the first place. And third, we have two familiar faces returning to the show, one of which I'm really excited for.


Well, speak of the Animal, look who's out here first! It's Batista! He says he has a huge announcement to make: it seems Big Dave is retiring.


Yeah, he's been injured a lot. In fact, he's still got a brace on his arm from the last time. So it only makes sense to hang it up now, rather than become the Kevin Nash for a new generation. I understand.

Is that a gas mask tree on his shirt? I'm really confused.

That's right, Orton thought it would be a good idea to come down and tell the injured Batista off. "But Matt," you're asking. "How did Dave's shirt get ripped open in that first picture up there?" Well, I'll show you...

Trust me. It's Batista doing that move on Orton.

The Animal isn't even hurt anymore!! He just lured Randy out into the open to do wrestling moves on him!! And he spoke the to guest host of the night and made match with Randy later in the evening!!! This is incredible!!!1!!

Oh, and he's going to Smackdown.


Yeah, seriously. That was Batista's big announcement. Shouldn't you just retire?

Speaking of the guest host for the night-


OH. MY. HEAVENS.

Yes, that's the always beautiful Trish Stratus, looking finer than frog's hair. Kelly Kelly, go take a long walk somewhere; I don't need you tonight.

Trish announced that new champ John Cena would have a rematch with Randy Orton for the title in a Hell in a Cell match at, interestingly enough, WWE's "Hell in a Cell" pay-per-view. At least, I think that's what she said. I lost control of all my other senses but sight for a moment.

That belt buckle is about to stand for "100% full," if you know what I mean.

Shawn Michaels decided is wasn't enough to tap out to Legacy at "Breaking Point," and is going to wrestle the more talented member of the group one-on-one.


HBK and DiBiase would hook up in a high energy match, while Triple H stood ringside, learning to whistle.

"I just wish I could show my support with a high-pitched vocalization."

Things got so intense in the ring, Trips and Cody couldn't stand not to fight as well, so they started brawling on the outside of the ring...


...which resulted in the ref ruling the match a "no contest." Good job. Now I'll never know who was going to win. Thanks, children.

At some point during the night, Trish got into a verbal disagreement with Beth Phoenix and Jericho, causing her to do what so many guest hosts before her have done: Put herself in a match against them both. Of course, she wasn't going alone, since this was a tag match, and she picked one of Jericho's opponents from "Breaking Point" as her partner.


Naturally, things broke down rather quickly, as Big Show came out and tried to put things in the bad guys' favor. Trish quickly added Mark Henry to her team, coming dangerously close to something you'd find somewhere else on the internet.

Crotch watch, fo sho.

Of course, it made sense for Trish's team to win, with her getting the pin over Beth, if only for this shot, made specifically for LOL, Wresslin'.


Trish, I missed you.

In the final match of the night, the Animal and the Viper battle for dominance over the wild kingdom in a "No Holds Barred" match, meaning at some point, someone is going to interfere with things.


Cena wouldn't actually get involved. He just came to make sure Randy would take his beating, which he did.

Get yourself an eyeful, Dave.

Batista won, burying Orton further after he lost the title not 24 hours before. Now he can go off and enjoy that "pit of danger" that is Smackdown.


Whew! What a night! Tune in at 9/8c on USA as...Cedric the Entertainer is your guest host?? Makes me long for the good ol' days...

That's better.