OH BABY, I like it Raw! Whiplash

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...



Ok, Backlash was last night, and since the WWE is in a jumbled mess following the draft, it's hard to pin down an exclusive Raw or Smackdowner match, so I'm just going to cover the ones that will have the most impact on tonight's show.

Actually, the beginning of the PPV was stacked pretty heavy with current Smackclowns, so Raw doesn't see any significant news until we have the "I Quit" match between brothers Hardy.

"'Jeff Hardly is a coca...' Look kid, you're gonna have to hold that sign up. I can't read it from here."

Note Jeff's lack of face paint. Lawler said this is because he was too focused on tonight's match. Just didn't quite have the concentration necessary to shoddily apply some glow-in-the-dark paint. Jeff, I've been there a million times. Totally understand.


Matt got in some offense early, setting right to work on some submission moves on Jeff's legs.

"Dude, did you get these from my closet?"

But that didn't last long, as things turned so bad for Matt that Jeff was somehow able to bind his hands with duct tape and tie him to table in the middle of the ring.


Well this was enough for Matt, because before Jeff even had a chance to do anything, he pussed out and quit the match. Matt apologized for everything, saying that they were brothers and that was the strongest bond of all. Naturally after this outpouring of regret and true emotion, Jeff untied his brother from the table and they had a great big hug.


Next, we have the pay-off to a bit that was just too good to let go. Santina has be to be on the Great Khali's kiss cam! The Great Khali is ugly! Who would want to kiss him?? But Santina is really Santino - a man! That would mean two men would be kissing! Everyone, prepare for the funniest thing you've ever seen.

Santina came out to explain to the Punjabi Playboy that (s)he couldn't kiss him because (s)he was in love with another man. That man was Jim Ross. Pucker up, JR!


Before things can get really awesome, Beth Phoenix has to come out and ruin it all. She says she wants to take Santina's "Miss Wrestlemania" crown, because THAT means a whole hell of a lot in the grand scheme of things. Khali protested, and Beth tipped him off that Santina was really Santino, and asked if all girls from his hometown were so ugly that he wouldn't notice that.

Yeah, hideous.

That was too much for Khali to handle, so he did the sensible thing and smacked Phoenix to the ground.

Don't all stare on in disbelief at once, now.

Santina pinned Beth to retain the crown, I guess. Then Khali decided it was time to take what was his, and started to manhandle Santina. (S)he escaped, but not without losing a few threads.

Wait, those aren't breasts! He's just some fat guy.

Finally, it's the "ridiculous stipulation" match of the night, Team H versus Team O. Remember, if any member of the team gets the pin, either HHH or Orton will take the belt.


This match started off pretty much how you'd expect it to. Batista came in, and the two non-endowed members of Legacy beat up on him, which meant Shane O'Mac had to come in save the day. Because I just couldn't wait to see this middle-aged man beat up two of the rising stars in the company...AGAIN.

Batista: "Whhhaa?"

Eventually, our two main opponents ended up in the ring together. Triple H had to divide his attention when Batista was about to cost him the belt by hitting Cody with a chair. That gave Orton all the time he needed. He hit the RKO, and then topped things off with a kick to the head.

Hoggo Ascendant

So there you have it! Raw has a new champion, and his name is Randy Orton! What does this mean for Monday Nights! What happened to Cena?? Where was Kelly Kelly during all this??? Find out tonight at 9/8c on the station named after the greatest English-speaking country in the world, USA!