OH BABY, I like it Raw! Cash is King

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Again, Raw is bound by the mandates of Donald Trump, so they have to pick a guest GM for the night. How long is this going to go on? Forever? Can they never change it?

Whatever the case, I'm a fan of it last week, because it brought us the Million Dollar Man as the guest host. Seeing as how his cleverly-named son, Ted DiBiase, Jr., is part of Legacy, I'm curious how this night is going to turn out.

How is he still the champion?

First we find out that Teddy and Cody will fight Edge and Christian Jericho for the Tag Belts at "Night of Champions." Well there you have it. Putting your kid and his buddy in a title match right away. Really fair.

But then we get these matches: Cody Rhodes versus Mark Henry, for some unknown reason; and Ted Jr. versus Randy Orton, because he thought it was time for his boy to stand up to Randy. Both of these were met with serious whining.

"But daaaaaaaadddd"

Moving on Edge and Jericho defeat Carlito and Primo, causing Carlito to snap and attack Primo.


This, of course, because Carlito realizes that he'll never be anything but a mid-carder again.

Mark Henry and Cody Rhodes was predictable, in that Mark Henry beat the living crap out of Cody Rhodes. Cody did get some offense in, employing the seldom-used Liu Kang bicycle kick.


But it was to no avail, as Rhodes eventually got hurt and ran from the ring in order to get intentionally counted out.

Someone more talented than us need to photoshop him into funny situations.

Next was Ted versus Randy, and we all know how this is going to turn out: Teddy will step out of the ring, allowing Randy the easy win. Then they can all go and have ice cream afterwards.


Or not. You see, Orton suggested backstage before the match that there was no way DiBiase could beat him anyway, and Ted took that to mean he should try. So he gives his best effort to defeat his boss "The Viper."

I had a dream like this, only I played the part of Orton's tights.

Of corse, Priceless gets hit with an RKO and he loses.

Apparently we're supposed to care about this next segment, the VIP Lounge. However, I didn't. All that happened was Jack Swagger had some mean words to say to MVP, so they're going to fight later or something.

Ok, WWE.com writers, can you really denigrate someone called "The Ballin' Superstar"?

Kofi Kingston and Evan Bourne have a high energy, knock-out match that surely entertained all that attended and the millions watching at home...only to get both served up to the Big Show. Because there's nothing that goes great after some wonderful and exciting wrestling than seeing a 500-pound man sit on someone.


Then it's the match we've been waiting an entire week for - John Cena versus Triple H for the Number 1 Contender's spot at "Night of Champions." What could possibly happen when these two lock-up? Fireworks? Explosions? Total protonic reversal?

Oh.

So apparently all of Legacy is back on the same page, and Cody and Teddy go off to attack both Cena and Trips at the same time, resulting in a double disqualification. Meaning no winner. Meaning, to Orton, that he doesn't have an opponent for "Night of Champions."

Classic villain logic.

Naturally, it doesn't pan out that way. What does the WWE do every goddamned time they have to choose between two people to challenge for a belt, but don't have a clear way of doing so?


Yes, Ted DiBiase made it a Triple Threat match for the PPV. Woo. Hoo.

Be sure to tune in tonight, when our special guest GM will be that legendary WWE superstar...Seth Green?

Competing with the Miz for "Douchiest Head."

So that's going to happen. 9/8c on USA! Be there!