So, here you have "Watch Wresslin' Wednesdays." Please feel free to suggest a better title, because we are woefully uncreative when it comes to naming stuff.
Better at naming stuff then us
The idea of W.W.W. is we each send the other a video that is related to wrestling (a match, promo, interview, guest starring spot, etc.). The only restriction is that it cannot be user-created, so your Mystery Science Theater 3000-esq alternate commentary of Steamboat/Savage from Wrestlemania III ain't gonna fly here, pal. Neither of us know what kind of video we're going to get that day.
After viewing, we each write a response. This could be anything we choose: a straight commentary, a philosophical enlightenment, or classless ridicule. Just as we don't know what kind of video the other will select, neither do we know what the other will write or how they will write it. What you end up with is a mash-up of styles, which in our book equates to two-blogs-in-one, and we can take the rest of the day off.
(Note: Matt is taking the week off, so our counter-part from across the pond, Ray of Wrestlegasm, is filling in this week.)
Adam's video to Ray- Tazz vs Kurt Angle (Tazz's WWF debut)
Ray's response...
After spending last Wednesday in delightful
Speaking of NYC, my video was cram-packed full of New Yorkers. (See what I did there?) Last week’s video didn’t require much thinking time on my part. It involved CM Punk and cheerleaders. Two of my favourite things in the whole world. Piece o’cake. Being the hard task-master he is, Adam forced me to do some actual research this week.
I had been watching wrestling for about two years in 2000, which means I was probably so fixated on The Rock when this took place, I didn’t pay much attention to it. But I have got a vague memory of this, mainly because the crowd were so bloody hostile towards Kurt Angle. New Yorkers – notoriously the most demanding and
hard-to-please sports fans on the planet.
I remember not really knowing who Tazz was. This was his WWE debut. ECW was almost impossible to catch on TV over here ten years ago. Yes, kids, there was a time when Vince didn’t own everything and download torrents didn’t exist. What a backwards age it was! But what I did figure out very swiftly after Tazz’s introduction to the mainstream was that he was the real deal. The shit. The dog’s bollocks. I didn’t know much about ECW, but I knew it was badass.
I never cared much for Kurt Angle. I know he was supposed to be dorky, but he always felt a little too ‘real dork’ for me. And when he started following Stephanie McMahon around like a lost little lamb, he crossed over in to creepy-town. There’s nothing more endearing than when a man uses a friendly hug to feel you up, right ladies?
Although, it was fun watching Triple H do the whole git-yo-hains-offa-mah-womin routine.
That being said, I’ve got a lot of admiration for Angle in this video. As someone who also came up against New York City and lost (I’ll save that story for another day) it takes a lot of guts to stand in front of some 20,000 people jacked-up on Essence-de-Brooklyn and stay cool, calm, collected and composed. I’ve got to be honest, despite fighting a good Internet war, faced with this angry mob, I’d probably burst in to tears and wait for whichever wrestle-hunk who felt sorry for me to let me cry on his shoulder. But not Kurt. He stood strong and proud. What a hero! An American Hero, no less.
Ok, so it wasn’t quite as rough as when John Cena put himself in the line of fire against RVD on ECW. That was some hardcore hostility. But still, a big Glastonbury Festival style cheer for Kurt’s stellar efforts.
And just to keep my reputation for inconsistency and flip-flopping alive, seriously, how amazing were that crowd? Thanks to the current PG rating on Raw and Smackdown, you just don’t get that kind of fire these days. And as a girl who loves her contact sports and has a healthy thirst for controlled violence, I think it’s a damn shame.
There I was, watching this video, trying to place it in some sort of wrestling timeline in my mind, when Tazz’s entrance music started playing. And as the heart monitor beep-beep-beep-beeeeeeeeeeeeped, I felt a little crunch of excitement behind my ribs, like…. NOW IT’S ON. If wrestling ever stops giving me those tingly feelings in my chest, I’ll quit. For good. And that’s not a Ric Flair-esque ‘for good.’ I actually mean it.
Ray's video to Adam- The Pulse: December 16th, 2006
Adam's response...
In the hierarchy of broadcasting, free city newspaper supplemental Youtube show ranks just above "high school morning PA announcements" and just below "Armed Forces' Radio Network." Still, we all have to start somewhere, and I suppose even Columbus, Ohio should get a fair shake (although Scott Steiner would say different). Time to put that electronic media degree to work...
So The Pulse opens with John Ross, an "Alive Reporter." Well that's good to know although after watching this video I sincerely hope Mr. Ross was the opposite. I mean, as cool as a zombie reporter would be, I don't think I'm ready for the apocalypse just yet. You know (tm), Old Testament. Real wrath of God type stuff. Fire coming down from the skies, rivers and seas boiling! Forty years of darkness! Earthquakes! Volcanoes! The dead rising from the grave! Human sacrifice! Dogs and cats living together! Mass hysteria!
Oh, the show is called The Pulse because it's a complement to "alive", the newspaper.
Anyway, do you know (tm) how you can tell if someone is a bad writer? No, not if he writes for the Columbus Alive. It's if he speaks in a very writerly way. His entire life is sprinkled with some prose dust just so he can subtly remind you that he has, in fact, read Wuthering Heights AND One Hundred Years of Solitude. And that was just for his thesis! You should see the off beat, indie stuff in his bookshelf! John Ross is one of these assholes. He calls Brooke Hogan "fetching." I'm going to avoid the obvious joke and just center in on Mr. Ross here. Fetching? Seriously? I know it's not journalistically responsible to say "bangable" or "stupid", but you could go with a less awful word. How about "charming" or "charismatic"? Those are nonsense words which won't make you sound like a
Oh, and he called the Lewis Center Walmart a "noted local hot spot." I sincerely hope that was some form of writerly irony, because if that was serious you really should go kill yourself. Kill yourself because you thought that was a good intro, or kill yourself because it's true. I really don't care. Just die face first in a puddle.
Thankfully he kicks it to the other Brooke, field entertainment reporter Brooke Williams.
I'd totally hit that
More writer exaggeration right out of the get go as Ms (I hope!). Williams describes the autograph signing as "pandemonium"
Above: A small gathering
Let's check out the dictionary definition of pandemonium:
pan⋅de⋅mo⋅ni⋅um
[pan-duh-moh-nee-uhm]
–noun
1. wild uproar or unrestrained disorder; tumult or chaos.
2. a place or scene of riotous uproar or utter chaos.
3. (often initial capital letter
4. Hell
Still, let's take a look at this pandemonium shot again.
See if you can find the hidden secret. Leave comments! Winner gets a prize!
It's just sloppy, and not just because of the slob on the right. No it's sloppy because we hear Ms. Williams give a camera direction right before they cut. You mean to tell me they couldn't have used some other footage. They were afraid they'd go long on an interview with Brooke Freakin' Hogan and needed to conserve as much tape as possible?
To continue the stupidity, Ms. Williams speaks to the fans. Well, not so much as speaks as much as they grunt out syllables. Here's a priceless exchange.
Brooke Williams: So uh...you're here to meet Hulk...would you say you're Hulkamaniacs?
Slack-jawed Yokels: No
And thus, you have now heard every first date I've ever been on.
At least one guy dressed appropriately
Ms. Williams continues on to interview more yokels, only this time they're famous yokels! The Hogans, brother! She asks some hard hitting questions, like how likely is a duet between father and daughter. Brooke gives the diplomatic answer of "Only if he plays bass" which is a smart move considering this bad boy, and Hulk gives the smarter answer of "Only if she wants to end her career." This can attest to Hulk's singing ability. Of course, three years later Brooke and Hulk must have recorded a duet, because that's the only explanation for her current success.
Then they segue into talking about Brooke's new albu..zzzzzzzz
I take back my previous "I'd hit that" comment
That's it for the wrestling segment, but I'd be remiss if I did not mention the closing part of this news broadcast; Hardwire, all about the, you guessed it, local music scene. Because that makes so much sense to name a live music segment after electronic hardware. It's hosted by some dork named Chris Deville. I assume that's how it's spelled since he's apparently not good enough for his own name graphic.
You're a nothing and you will forever remain a nothing
Here's a little fashion tip for the fellas out there. You might want to listen (read?) up, becasue I'm a pretty snazzy dresser and a fantastic dancer to boot. Don't ever wear a tie without a jacket. Seriously. You look like a chubby kid when you do this. And you look poor. I'm no classist, but yea, you look poor. If you don't own a jacket, don't wear a tie. It's that simple.
You know (tm) what, The Pulse? Don't even bother. I hate you so much that you're all hopeless. You know (tm) what my wish is? My deepest of all wishes. I wish I could be gang raped by a group of needle sharing homosexuals, just so I get AIDS. All for the sole purpose of having sex with you, so you can die from the AIDS that I gave you. I'm not even joking.
Ok, yes I am, LOLZ.
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