Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.
For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...
Monday Night Raw might get all the press, what with their Dennis Miller and Hornswaggle feud, but we know that that doesn't sell PPV's! Nope! You need some real, solid meat to make buyers shell out their hard earned moolah. So how do you do that? With a compelling card filled with Smackdown matches!
Of course, that means more work for me. Crap.
So the future of WWE totally rolled around on the mat for a chance at being champion of the continents! And by future I mean "bland Scottish dude" and "apathetic rock star wannabe."
I have no idea what's going on hereAnyway, the interns at WWE.com decided to show us tons of cool John Morrison stuff, even though they didn't really amount to anything. Still, COOL STUFF!
SAVAGE!
GNARLY!However, there wasn't a boring old Scottish guy in this match for nothing. He had to be boring and use finisher's from the 1980's as transition moves!
zzzz...snake...zzzzOddly enough, that was it. We have a new Intercontinental champion and his name is
Kidney pies!
In other "attractive people with long hair wrestling for a worthless title" news, Michelle McCool defended her women's championship against Mickie "Piggy" James. Mickie gets this nickname due to being a good ole Virginia farm girl and being gargantuan huge.
Just think of the thin girl she's hiding underneath layers of disgusting fatAnyway, this match pretty much filled my genitals with enough blood that I had to see a doctor four hours later. Also nice to know that Mickie James goes A2M.
In case I'm being too coy...Michelle McCool, being the bad guy and all, has some Latina woman named Layla as her backup. Probably for Layla's black belt in Mexican Judo. Regardless, this hot tamale, although her intentions are pure, just ends up getting in the way! Look at the debacle when she tried to distract Mickie, ergo help Michelle!
KICKED IN YO FACE!Now's Mickie James's chance! She'll avenge all that punishment the two bullies gave her! Michelle is distracted! We've got a new women's champion!
That's the filthiest clean pin I've ever seen. Some Christian..Oh. Pinned clean. By the heel. That makes complete sense.
So one half of the Smackdown power couple miraculously held on to her title, how will Undertaker prevail against THE ANIMAL!!!! in his chair match? And what in the blue hell is a chair match?
That.So yea, it's basically an Extreme Rules/Street fight/no holds barred match. With a bunch of chairs. Jim Ross must be thrilled.
For whatever reason, Undertaker and Batista always have good matches together. It's weird that a cadaver and the Undertaker can work well together, but they do. This was duly noted by the lovely interns over at WWE.com
Can it really be referred to as "Old School" if he never stopped using it? If it's a regular part of his routine wouldn't it just be "Current School" or "School"?
Still, this wasn't enough as Batista needed to resort to FOREARMING THE UNDERTAKER IN THE NUTS and then hitting him with the chair! That's it! New World Heavyweight Champion! TEH ANIMALE!!!11!!!!
YEA YEA YEA YEA YEA! Wait! Teddy Long?! Why's he coming out!? You can't screw the Undertaker when he already lost the match! Huh? Batista used a low blow, and that's illegal? Swinging chairs is totally cool, but anything else isn't allowed?! What do you have to say for yourself!?
Well, the match restarted and Undertaker did that sit up thing and then cracked Batista with a chair (totally legal).
Tombstone, weird pin, still champ.
I really hope you catch a bug one day.Still, I smell a conspiracy. Somebody call Jesse Ventura!
Also, just so you know: Batista did not invent that "thumbs down" gesture. Some people think he did.Come witness the fallout tonight at 8/7c, over on some stupid channel. MyNetwork TV or some bullshit like that. And then watch it again over on hulu.
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