Who hits the Hitman?

There's no point in dancing around it. Why bother to find a hyperlink? EVERYONE is talking about it, feverishly waiting for our take on this. Seriously. All of our non-wrestling friends (that is to say, all our friends) have sent us the link about it. Bret Hart is coming back to WWE.

Nothing but gray hair and blue suits

True, it's supposedly only from January to about Wrestlemania, but this is some pretty big news. The Hitman, back home in WWE! And not just for some stupid DVD that he worked on to change protect his legacy or to accept a Hall of Fame induction into a non-physical Hall of Fame. And no, it won't just be as a video game legend or to promote the soft cover version of his memoir. He's actually coming back to entertain the fans.

Now, we've never been ones to hide our feelings about the Excellence of SeExecution. Click that little Bret Hart tag on the right side of the blog if you need a refresher. Still, don't think we're surprised at this latest bit of hypocrisy by Mr. Hart.

First, it's no secret that Mr. Hart takes himself and his legacy rather seriously. We think he needs to lighten up a bit, but it's his prerogative. So you can understand how we're scratching our heads a bit when in the past he has said that he would never come back. Or how he has said that he would never want to tarnish the injustice (our word/emphasis) that he perceives was bestowed upon him by making an angle out of it. There's too much money to be lost if they don't go that route with Bret. Sure, WWE has left lots of money on the table before, but this one seems like a no-brainer by even WWE standards. Of course, we've been wrong before, like with our excitement for the film Watchmen.

Second, the entire point of his memoir was to close his wrestling career. From wikipedia (citation needed):

"I'd be happy being remembered for really brilliant storytelling in my matches, not for some last chance to snap up some money," Hart said. "I respectfully understand my light in wrestling is fading. I can live with that...

...But I couldn't say goodbye to my wrestling character until I finished" (the book).

Which is it, Bret? When will you officially be done? Because we haven't been this exhausted waiting for a climax since we saw Watchmen.

Listen, we understand that Mr. Hart is doing this for some cash. That's totally fair. There is a lot of money to be made in a Vince/Bret Wrestlemania feud, even if one is a senior citizen and the other is physically unable to take any bumps. Also, the heat on this feud is fading every day, especially because more and more of the current crop of fans might not even know who Bret Hart is. Think about this for a second. We were in middle school (!) for the Montreal Screwjob. So please, make some money.

However, don't act like you're above the money, Mr Hart. Don't go on the record about how you'll never forgive Shawn Michaels for his role in your exile and act like this is a real life tragedy. Because honestly, it just leads to your overall stature diminishing more and more. If we were Bret Hart fans we'd feel more betrayed than how we felt when Zack Snyder replaced the giant telepathic Cthulu with a Dr. Manhattan fart bomb in Watchmen.

Again, we don't begrudge Bret for taking some cash. There really isn't much else he can do with his skill set, especially giving his handicap. We just know that he is going to insult our intelligence when the next few months of interviews will be about "burying the hatchet" or about how he "owed this to his fans." Because it's not. It's about a pay day to cover his impending divorce. We haven't felt this embarrassed for someone since we saw Malin Akerman's and Carla Gugino's "acting" in Watchmen.

Speaking of embarrassment, this also reminds us a lot of another wrestler who is hanging around for paydays to cover his divorce costs. We'll give you one guess.


Yes, this is eerily reminiscent of Ric Flair. That may be an unfair comparison to make (after all, they are ultimately different people and Bret should not be responsible for Ric's faults and vice verse), but it really isn't. After all, who did the autograph signing tours for a while? Both of them did. Who decided to work with Ring of Honor doing some meet and greet and in-ring segments with the talent? Both of them. And they both have the same motivations for overstaying their welcomes.

Now, this wouldn't be a big deal if it weren't for Bret's legendary heat with Ric. From page 273 of his autobiography:

"Flair was what my dad called a 'routine man,' because he did the same match ever night no matter who he worked with. He also liked to call ever step of the match with little input from me."

"For a guy nearing fifty he was in great shape. Ric took his usual bumps and cut a blistering pace. When we talked before the match, he has suggested a finish that called for me to do a flying tackle where he'd catch me and stagger backward with the two of us toppling over the top rope, only to be counted out for the finish, which would be a double DQ. It was a simple move that I'd done countless times with less-skilled wrestlers, but at the end of the match, when I dove in Flair, he stood too far from the ropes, mistimed it, and didn't have the strength to catch me, so we fell down in a heap! On the spot Ric came up with a makeshift finish that, not surprisingly, benefited him and not me. I wasn't going to make a big deal out of it, but back in the dressing room, I was annoyed to hear Flair crying to me about what happened on the finish, implying that I had screwed up. He showed me, right there, that he wasn't as great as he was supposed to be. I'd heard there were a lot of wrestlers who didn't trust or like Flair, and I was starting to see why."

First order of business there: too many run on sentences there. Next time don't edit your own book. Or at least hire an editor who isn't a stroke victim.

Second, is the irony not lost on Bret here? These are his words regarding his respect for Ric Flair. These men are peas and carrots! And he has the gall to insult Flair's character? We haven't shook our heads this much since we listened to Zack Snyder's soundtrack choices for the film Watchmen!

In summation, is it cool Bret Hart is coming back to WWE? Yes, it is. This has been a long time coming and honestly, it's too stupid to hold a grudge over a wrestling angle. But we can't believe it will be good. Will he even interact with Shawn in any meaningful matter? Is there any point in hiring an on-screen character that can't take bumps, ergo, not lose any heat? Would Bret even be willing to give heat?

Also, the mere fact that WWE is pulling out this big gun to run opposite TNA's live Monday night show means that no matter what number TNA pulls, they got the big show scared. Now lets hope they don't screw up this opportunity like Zack Snyder did with Watchmen.