OH BABY, I like it RAW! the No Way Out edition

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...



Happy President's Day! I'm cleaning up the last few crumbs of my Warren G. Harding cake. Next year is Calvin Coolidge!

YUM YUM!

So last night was No Way Out, which featured not one, not two, but three Elimination Chamber matches!!

Oh wait, no; it was just two. And one of them was a Smackdown match, which barely counts. Oh well! It was still a good time!

There's seems to be no way out of there. Hey, wait a minute...

Besides taking the name of the PPV way too literally, what else does this show have to offer? Shane and Randy in a No Holds Barred match? Alright, I can get behind that. Shawn versus JBL for his freedom? Well, there's nothing more American than that! An Elimination Chamber with Mike Knox (OMG!)?! Now we're getting somewhere. And still only one Smackdown match! I wish there was NO WAY OUT of last night, because I didn't want it to end.


Smackdown was up first with their Chamber match. Figures all those schlubs would be jerking the curtain.

Just don't screw it up, rookie.

No face paint? Just who is that unmasked man??

Let's get on to the first real match of the night - Shane O'McMahon facing Randy "legend Killer" Orton.


Shane continued his streak of matches that involve the likely future chairman of WWE jumping from any and all surfaces in the arena, and generally making all the real wrestlers look like a bunch of lazy, dopes too concerned about their health to do anything entertaining. Not long into the match, Shane had hit Randy with a TV monitor and cut him open.

Still no blood on the internet.

Thank goodness Cody and Teddy Jr. are there to help! Oh wait, Shane cause Priceless to get accidentally hit with a chair? And then put a trash can on Cody's head and went coast to coast on him?

Pretty much exactly like this.

So after beating the crap out of Orton for about twenty minutes, what happens? Well, Randy springs up and hit the RKO and pins Shane clean. That makes sense right?


Oh, ECW had a match too? I'll leave that for Adam. He needs more to write about.

Who who, who who?

After that, it's time for the alphabet soup match, HBK vs. JBL. If Shawn wins, he gets all the money he's owed and never has to work for JBL again. If he loses, JBL owns him for life.

Er, not quite like that...

No, look, you're not getting it...

Alright, this is just ridiculous.

Shawn is doing like usual and getting beat up, until his wife, who is sitting ringside, decides to throw a haymaker and turn the tide of things.


However, in not keeping with tradition, HBK actually "tuned up the band" and hit JBL square with some Sweet Chin Music. He made the pin for the 1, 2, 3, so I guess that means he's free and clear. I'm sure everything will turn out great!


Finally, it's the main event, Raw's Elimination Chamber. Everything in the WWE has been building to this singular moment. Out comes Mr. Cena, the greatest champion in the land. Then it's Mike Knox (OMG!), Cena's only legit competition in this match. Then Kane, who by starting out in a pod is guaranteed at least five minutes of TV time. Good for you Kane!

The fourth man in a chamber is Kofi Kingston. Uh oh, Kofi! SOS!


That's right, that ne'er-do-well from Smackdown, Edge, attacked Kofi Kingston. Well, this can't happen. Edge climbed into Kofi's cell and the door is closed? HUH? Jericho and Rey come down, and the refs start the match with Edge inside the chamber. This is really how this thing works??

Let's just run these down in order of elmination...

Noooooo!!! The beard is supposed to give you limitless power!

So now it's down to Rey and Edge. Well, I know how this will turn out. Rey is sure to win and keep the title on Raw. I mean, there's just no way they'd leave Raw without a-

WHHHHATTT???!

Ok, so Edge somehow tricked everyone into thinking he should be in this match, regardless of the fact that everyone saw him in the Smackdown earlier that night.

What's that?

Oh, everyone took a bathroom break during that match? Oh ok. Well, maybe he really did fool them. However it happened, Raw doesn't have a champion tonight. Find out what happens on USA, 9/8c!!