OH BABY, I like it RAW! the REAL Road to Wrestlemania

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...



Contrary to what other posts on this website my have you believe, the road to Wrestlemania begins here on RAW! Last week was the first show after the Rumble, so let's see who's hot and, more importantly, who's not.

The winner of the 2009 Royal Rumble, Randy Orton, comes out first with Cody Rhodes, Teddy Jr., and three other guys in suits, i.e. not wrestlers. Everyone expects Randy to get fired for what he did to Mr. McMahon, which was to take him off TV again with another life-threatening injury, but Orton has a plan for that. A good ol' fashioned, American lawsuit!

This is the most explanatory picture I could find.

Yep, we've grown up a bit around here on Raw. We don't solve things with our fists anymore. That would be barbaric and courageous. No, we hide behind lawyers and half-cocked medical diagnoses. Like what, you ask? Well, how about IED?


No no no, not that. It stands for Intermittent Explosive Disorder, and Randy apparently has it. It means occasionally you blow up and kick your boss in the head. Hey, I'm not a doctor; that's what they told me.

"You also have Largely Occasional Lupus."

Now, I'm not saying this is a made-up disease, because apparently it's not. Allow me to quote you some of the symptoms:

Road rage. Domestic abuse. Angry outbursts or temper tantrums that involve throwing or breaking objects.

I don't normally like to paint in broad strokes, but tell me how that doesn't characterize every performer in the WWE. I'm pretty sure every man, woman and midget in that locker room has this disease.

So Orton says that if the WWE fires him for what happened, he going to sue them because of his disability. And he'll also sue because he's owed a title shot at Wrestlemania. I guess that means he keeps his job.

Miz and Morrison retain their titles. Big deal. I don't even know which show they hold the titles for anymore. Kofi Kingston beat Kane to advance to the Elimination Chamber match, proving once again that dudes from Jamaica can do anything.

S.O.S.

Jericho responded to the challenge from actor Mickey Rourke, but that sort of doesn't matter anymore since Rourke's people said that wasn't going to happen. I guess a little tough talk is all that was needed.

Mr. Cena faced off with the man who almost cost him the title, Shawn Michaels. Beofre the match, JBL was not pleased that Shawn would superkick him when he's supposed to be helping him win the belt. HBK explained it was all part of the plan, and JBL seemed alright with that. This is a qualifying match for the elimination chamber, to which you may ask, "Well, Cena's the champ, so should he be automatically qualified?"

Yes, yes he should be. So this isn't a match for him to get in; it must just be for Michaels. Well, not quite right. Apparently HBK is wrestling on JBL's behalf. There's just no way this can go wrong.

L-R: "ARGH!" "Hunh??" "RAAWR!!" "Whuh?"

Naturally, Cena knocks JBL into Michaels while he was on the top rope, giving Cena the opportunity to hit the FU and win the match. JBL was not pleased. How is Shawn ever going to avoid bankruptcy now?!

There was a Divas tag match. Beth Phoenix and Jillian Hall won. Let's just cut to the gravy.

Sleepy time.

Rey Mysterio beat William Regal to qualify for the Chamber. I'm sure he's got a good chance of winning.

I was mentioning before I saw the show how great I thought a Jericho/C.M. Punk match would be. I mean, that's PPV quality right there! Imagine my surprise when they faced off in another qualifying match. Oh man, they're gonna give this one away on free TV?? This should be one great night!

Did I mention it lasted three minutes?

And it's over.

Jericho won.

And much like that match, this recap is over way too soon! Oh wait, Shane McMahon confronted Orton. Well, he doesn't stand much of a ch-


Whaaaaat?? Find out how a business man managed to beat up the dude who won the Royal Rumble, tonight at 9/8c on USA!