Camera Angle

We may rip on TNA a bit around here, but it's all in good fun. There's actually a few good things about the nation's other wrestling promotion, one of them being the amount of downtime provided to the wrestlers between TV shoots. It's one of the big draws for former WWE stars who were fed up with the constant life on the road.

So what do these grapplers do with that free time? If you're Kurt Angle, you follow the path tread before you by Hulk Hogan, Roddy Piper, The Rock, Stone Cold Steve Austin, and, most recently, John Cena - you shoot a movie! But Angle is a gold medal winner, and he's not content to just make one movie. No, if he's going to do it, he's going to give it his all.

You dont here by doing things half-assed.

He's already finished shooting one, and is now attached to no less than three others! The man isn't just a wrestling machine, he's an acting machine as well.


The Laugh Twins aren't just wrestling fans; we're fans of the cinema as well. Cultured, we know. You don't have to tell us. So let's take a look at what we can expect to see from the American Hero.

First is his already finished flim, End Game. Angle cuts his acting chops quickly with this one, already landing the lead in his first outing. He plays Brad Mayfield, a serial killer, who appears to stalk only hot chicks. But hey, if we were serial killers, who says we wouldn't do the same?


Of course, being the movies, this film seems to be full so "just so happens" coincidences. Like the fact that the second lead, former Survivor and current TNA talent Jenna Morasca, just so happens to be Angle's love interest, and just so happens to be a stripper, and just so happened to live with a victim of Angle's insatiable murderous appetite. Also, Angle's character Mayfield just so happens to be quite good at blending into society, and just so happens to be able to pose as a detective in order to destroy evidence and toy with the police. The lead detective just so happens to have a marriage that's on the rocks because he just so happens to want to hook up with previously introduced stripper and just so happens to have a daughter who has "special needs," whatever that might entail, all of which just so happen to be Angle's next target.

Sound interesting? Well, we'll save you some time and direct you over to the website of the production company, North Shore Pictures, which includes a plot synopsis which pretty much spells out the entire movie. So read it - even the book doesn't sound better in this case. Or just watch the trailer. That's good enough.

Maybe think about getting a music loop longer than five seconds for your next trailer.

Also, on the movie's IMDB page, of the fifteen actors listed, only one of them has a picture attached to their name. Grade-A talent, to be sure. I always wanted to see another outing by John W. Iwanonkiw.

No, you don't belong there.

Ok ok, we can't expect the first major role to be that great. Was The Scorpion King all that entertaining? What about The Condemned? And The Marine, was that better than we thought it would be?

Actually yes, yes they all were. Nevermind.

So what about his upcoming movies? Surely there's something worthwhile in there. He's making three more; not every one of them can be bad, can they?

Well, judge for yourself. Angle reteams with North Shore Pictures for River of Darkness. Absolutely nothing is known about this movie, other than it's in English and is being filmed in color. Though, based off the title, it's sure to be DARK. There is a book by the same title which is a murder mystery set in 1920's England. We can only hope these are the same.


Next, he's filming Dead of Night, a supernatural thriller set in New Orleans. Allow us to show you our search results...

Yeah, that one.

Kurt will play Wolfgang, a werewolf. Yes, a werewolf named Wolfgang. Kurt is portraying a walking pun. And seriously man, a werewolf??

Too far for a joke?

The lead character is Dylan Dog, brought to life by none other than Superman himself, Brandon Routh. Dog is described as an investigator "who seeks out the monsters of the Louisiana bayou in his signature red shirt, black jacket, and blue jeans." Red shirt? Blue pants? Wait a minute...


Finally, we have the interestingly titled The Land of the Astronauts. Lucky for Kurt, this time that's apparently the only movie with that title, though you can't convince us that there wasn't one made in 1956. We just can't find it. So what is this one about? A interstellar, sci-fi drama? A space adventure? An otherworldly horror film? All sound great to us! Let's check the plot summary:

A psychological drama that tells the story of a man trying to rebuild his world. Once Jack McKenzie, former hotshot screenwriter, takes on the demeaning job as a limo driver to support his family, he starts to lose control of the one thing he values most... his mind. In trying to keep his wife happy and his sanity intact, Jack must battle alcoholism, haunted spirits and delusions before something or someone cracks under the pressure.

Huh?? What in the bloody fudge does that have to do with astronauts?? Here we were thinking it was going to be something totally awesome.

Something like this.

There's only one word to sum The Land of the Astronauts up...


What is Kurt's role in this one? He plays a guy named Hitch.

No.

Alright, so maybe we overshot a bit hoping to catch these at the cineplex down the street. We'd be lucky to find a single copy at a Blockbuster. But if you're lucky enough to see any of these, give us a shout! We're pretty sure we'd rather watch TNA, and that's sad.

W.W.W. featuring Bam Bam Bigelow and Warrior

On Wednesdays, we here at LOL, Wresslin' like to really pull out the stops and offer up a double shot of righteously killer content. Why Wednesday? Well, we could impress you with market research, work habit studies, and human psychology tendencies to show you there's a scientific reason the middle of the week is the best time to bring your A-game. However, truth be told, we don't have any of that stuff and settled on Wednesday because that was the only day that didn't have any content scheduled.

So, here you have "Watch Wresslin' Wednesdays." Please feel free to suggest a better title, because we are woefully uncreative when it comes to naming stuff.

Better at naming stuff then us

The idea of W.W.W. is we each send the other a video that is related to wrestling (a match, promo, interview, guest starring spot, etc.). The only restriction is that it cannot be user-created, so your Welsh love letter/vlog to CM Punk's junk ain't going to fly here, pal. Neither of us know what kind of video we're going to get that day.

After viewing, we each write a response. This could be anything we choose: a straight commentary, a philosophical enlightenment, or classless ridicule. Just as we don't know what kind of video the other will select, neither do we know what the other will write or how they will write it. What you end up with is a mash-up of styles, which in our book equates to two-blogs-in-one, and we can take the rest of the day off.

Adam's video to Matt - Bam Bam Bigelow debuts in WCW



Matt's response...

How little did WCW care about what was happening in the ring? There's a match going on! Can't this wait until the match is over?

Apparently not, because Bam Bam Bigelow is clearly a loose cannon. "The most dominant force in professional wrestling," as we're informed. Oh, and our announcers also let us know that we've never seen anything like this before. Never has a professional wrestler ever come in unannounced. Truly history in the making.

Uh oh, now here comes Goldberg to answer Bigelow's challenge. And again, here's probably something else we've never seen before: two men being held apart by security.

Uh, no, that's not it...

Er, just wait a minute, I'll get it...

There we go!

Now things are getting even worse! Bisch wants to see J.J. Dillon backstage. I wonder what th--wait, is that Twins? Is Twins coming on? Screw this, that's a classic comedy!

Poor Bam Bam though. After such a strong intro, his career in WCW is barely a paragraph in his Wikipedia entry. Here's the highlights, if you can call them that:

• Feuded with Goldberg
• Moved to Hardcore division
• Formed the Jersey Triad with DDP and Chris Kanyon
• Lost a match to Mike Awesome

Bigelow's career was, unfortunately, not "too sweeeeeet."

Bam Bam's life after wrestling reads like a dictionary definition of Murphy's Law. He was divorced, and then sued for child support. He was burned over almost half his body while saving three kids from a fire. He disappeared to Florida. He was charged with endangering a child after reckless driving, and was then busted for having pot. He was in a motorcycle wreck, and would have faced murder charges if his girlfriend, who was riding with him, didn't recover from her injuries. Good grief.

From the looks of it, Randy "the Ram" had it better.


Then he died, the day after my birthday in 2007 (I promise I didn't wish for that, but that would have been weird). His last known words were, "At least I wasn't in Jersey."

Matt's video to Adam- Ultimate Warrior Private Workout Footage


Adam's response....

Dear Warrior,

I am your biggest fan. My mom tells me that you are a bad influence, but I think she's wrong. I tell her that you gorilla slammed Hulk Hogan at Wrestlemania 6 and the entire earth shook. What is bad about that? Anyway, as your biggest fan I have a few questions-
1) How'd you grow up to be so big and strong? My mom tells me that it's through homework and vegetables, but I said there is no public school in Parts Unknown! Also, is the One Warrior Nation the main political party in Parts Unknown? I looked it up in my social studies class, but since it's unknown there wasn't any information.

2) What is your favorite college basketball team? I suppose Parts Unknown isn't D1, because you wear your Arizona shirt a lot.

3) What's your stance on gay marraige? (Hahah..how did I hyperlink a child's letter? LOLZ)
4) How many grunts and snarls should I do to improve my bench?
Thank you in advance for your response. I have taken the streamers off my bicycle and tied them to my arms, just so can I be more like you! I have included a picture of us being friends. Maybe you could do the same?



Your fan,

Warrior

Around the wrestleWEBZ

Hey Gang,

Every now and then there are a myriad of topics that we just HAVE to write about. Sometimes there's just too much and we have no choice but to just bring it all to you in one wonderful post! You lucky devils...

Reid Flair arrested for possession of heroin.

Don't the kids of professional wrestlers all grow up to be well-adjusted, productive members of society? Clearly the decades of having their male role model be on the road 200+ days a year in no way impaired their abilities to differentiate from right and wrong, especially when their fathers' exploits are celebrated in shoot interviews and tell-all autobiographies!

That seems perfectly normal...

Umm...uhh

Ok, maybe we were wrong about a few cases...

Believe it or not though, there are rare exceptions. Reid Flair, son of the legendary Nature Boy Ric Flair, was recently pulled over for erratically driving. Police then found heroin in the vehicle. Now, true, Reid has had a run in with Johnny Law before, but we still think the jury is out on this one. He's the son of the Nature Boy. He doesn't drive a car! He rolls in long limousines and jet airplanes!

Just like that.

Still, even if (and we stress if), that was his H, we don't think it was his fault. Something about being a wrestler from North Carolina means you LOVE pain relief. Right?



Bret Hart tells young people to get off his lawn

On a tour of the UK to promote his book, Bret was asked the obligatory Shawn Michaels/Montreal/waah waah questions. Here's an excerpt:

"Shawn was a key orchestrator in the events surrounding Survivor Series 1997 and in Bret's eye, Shawn has never apologized. Bret says 'For me I don't really have much issue with it anymore. If you asked me that up until probably about a year ago I'd have probably said something different. But I've cooled off a bit now. I don't want to carry it around anymore. If he wanted to apologise I would accept it. I'd move on but I wouldn't forget it.'"

On the topic of inducting Shawn into the Hall of Fame:

"Maybe if he wants to make himself feel better about it he should have the guts to pick up the phone and apologise. Then we'll see after that."

Oh really, Bret? You mean, apologize like this:

Start at 2:50

On live, national (ok, Canadian), television? That's not good enough for you?

Blog War '09

In other delusions of grandeur from England news, Blog War '09 is being fought valiantly. Our spies in the CIA have uncovered Ray's (if that is her real name) daily planner. Here's a scan we were able to declassify.


Ah-ha! We knew it! The ponies sealed it! Nice try Ray, but we keep our LOL's locked up in a brain vault that's tougher then Fort Knox!

Or even Mike Knox (OMG!!!)

Also, try and have a coherent response this time, dear. We know England is Bizarro World, but posting videos of super face Stone Cold Steve Austin stunning annoying heel Stephanie McMahon does not exactly get across the point that you're trying to make.

OH BABY, I like it Raw! Whiplash

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...



Ok, Backlash was last night, and since the WWE is in a jumbled mess following the draft, it's hard to pin down an exclusive Raw or Smackdowner match, so I'm just going to cover the ones that will have the most impact on tonight's show.

Actually, the beginning of the PPV was stacked pretty heavy with current Smackclowns, so Raw doesn't see any significant news until we have the "I Quit" match between brothers Hardy.

"'Jeff Hardly is a coca...' Look kid, you're gonna have to hold that sign up. I can't read it from here."

Note Jeff's lack of face paint. Lawler said this is because he was too focused on tonight's match. Just didn't quite have the concentration necessary to shoddily apply some glow-in-the-dark paint. Jeff, I've been there a million times. Totally understand.


Matt got in some offense early, setting right to work on some submission moves on Jeff's legs.

"Dude, did you get these from my closet?"

But that didn't last long, as things turned so bad for Matt that Jeff was somehow able to bind his hands with duct tape and tie him to table in the middle of the ring.


Well this was enough for Matt, because before Jeff even had a chance to do anything, he pussed out and quit the match. Matt apologized for everything, saying that they were brothers and that was the strongest bond of all. Naturally after this outpouring of regret and true emotion, Jeff untied his brother from the table and they had a great big hug.


Next, we have the pay-off to a bit that was just too good to let go. Santina has be to be on the Great Khali's kiss cam! The Great Khali is ugly! Who would want to kiss him?? But Santina is really Santino - a man! That would mean two men would be kissing! Everyone, prepare for the funniest thing you've ever seen.

Santina came out to explain to the Punjabi Playboy that (s)he couldn't kiss him because (s)he was in love with another man. That man was Jim Ross. Pucker up, JR!


Before things can get really awesome, Beth Phoenix has to come out and ruin it all. She says she wants to take Santina's "Miss Wrestlemania" crown, because THAT means a whole hell of a lot in the grand scheme of things. Khali protested, and Beth tipped him off that Santina was really Santino, and asked if all girls from his hometown were so ugly that he wouldn't notice that.

Yeah, hideous.

That was too much for Khali to handle, so he did the sensible thing and smacked Phoenix to the ground.

Don't all stare on in disbelief at once, now.

Santina pinned Beth to retain the crown, I guess. Then Khali decided it was time to take what was his, and started to manhandle Santina. (S)he escaped, but not without losing a few threads.

Wait, those aren't breasts! He's just some fat guy.

Finally, it's the "ridiculous stipulation" match of the night, Team H versus Team O. Remember, if any member of the team gets the pin, either HHH or Orton will take the belt.


This match started off pretty much how you'd expect it to. Batista came in, and the two non-endowed members of Legacy beat up on him, which meant Shane O'Mac had to come in save the day. Because I just couldn't wait to see this middle-aged man beat up two of the rising stars in the company...AGAIN.

Batista: "Whhhaa?"

Eventually, our two main opponents ended up in the ring together. Triple H had to divide his attention when Batista was about to cost him the belt by hitting Cody with a chair. That gave Orton all the time he needed. He hit the RKO, and then topped things off with a kick to the head.

Hoggo Ascendant

So there you have it! Raw has a new champion, and his name is Randy Orton! What does this mean for Monday Nights! What happened to Cena?? Where was Kelly Kelly during all this??? Find out tonight at 9/8c on the station named after the greatest English-speaking country in the world, USA!

R U READY TO DOWN SOME SMACK??? Backlash Bound

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...

Explanation to follow

The WWE recently held their "draft" (I call it random selection process) which drastically shook up the WWE rosters! What excitement awaits us with brand new match types?

Really? Big Show vs Jeff Hardy? Big Show was just drafted to Raw, what's he doing on Smackdown!? This is not exciting! This is not new! This is just slow and boring, like Monday Night Raw!

Anyway, to make my point, I hereby present to you "Acting classes through the facial expressions of Jeff Hardy."

Concern

Elation

Constipation

There's a table monster taking me to his underground lair

Despite this drubbing, Matt Hardy still found it necessary to interfere and cost his brother the match!

Yea, so that happened.

Raw: 1 Smackdown: 0

In rod hardening news, Gail Kim beat Divas champ Maryse in a non-title match. Normally this would be a big deal, but since Maryse got drafted to Raw that title is worthless to me. And honestly, I don't know what I ever saw in Maryse. Her self esteem is so low she has to put flames on her butt cheeks since she's "hot." Still, that's not right, because I can now see all her Monday Night Flaws.

On your guitar play "(A-A-A-A-G-G) E E G"

Raw: 1 Smackdown: 1

There actually was a fresh match up on Smackdown this (that) week! Former Smackdownian (and US Champ) MVP fought in a non-title match against newcomer Dolph Ziggler. Mr. Ziggler comes with a lot of promise, as his career over at Raw has been pretty solid. Using the finest research tools at my disposal I was able to find these highlights:

• On October 10, 2008, he was suspended for 30 days for his first violation of the WWE's Wellness Policy.
• He returned to Raw on November 17th in a Backstage segment with Rey Mysterio and Shawn Michaels.
• This:

Oddly enough though, even a loser like that turns into a champion on Smackdown! The converse is also true, as Mr. Ziggler really took it to that Champion of the Fat and Stupid, MVP. And when I say took it, I mean, locked in some kind of chin lock.


And then winning on a roll up!

"By grabbing his butocks I can increase my pin strength ten-fold!"

I guess MVP decided to use Raw's live mic and say the seven words you can't say on television, because me thinks another 20 week losing streak is in order. So stick that up your Monday Night Craw!

Raw: 1 Smackdown: 2

And finally, in our main event, another epic conflict of warriors! Coming from Raw, The Animal, Batista!

"I did not invent the 'thumbs down'"

And his opponent, former tag champion and current Legacy member, Ted Dibase Jr!

Wait. Hold the phone. Aren't they both Raw dudes? Raw dudes on Smackdown! In the main event!? How could Teddy Long allow this? Seriously, this one makes no sense!

Anyway, since it's Raw BS, Batista won with a spinebuster or something. The ref totally pussed out.

Seriously, you're like 10 feet away. The Animal won't bite.

Raw: 1.5 Smackdown: 2

Smackdown wins again! MYNETWORK TV! MYNETWORK TV! 8/7 C!

MMA-holes

"When you think about it, you should compare the World Wrestling Federation to other major entertainment companies or motion picture studios." -Vince McMahon

Former WWE star and current MMA competitor Bobby Lashley turned up at the TNA "Lockdown" PPV last Sunday. He came out on stage, and it was suggested that he is a part of the "Main Event Mafia." Subsequent to that, it's been revealed that Lashley is going to be making some fairly regular appearances on TNA television.

Lashley has commented (albeit softly) on this, saying that the TNA TV tapings aren't far from where he lives and trains, and he needs a way to make a buck while he's preparing for his next MMA event, which will be against veteran fighter Bob Sapp. We think about here is where the story should stop, because there are few of us out there who would look down on a guy who has a skill and can put it to use to put some food on the table while he's following a dream of being a fighter. And the TNA schedule certainly lends itself to having time for other things.

But that's not good enough for some people. The day after Bobby made his appearance at "Lockdown," one Mr. Jake Rosen, who writes for everyone's homepage Sherdog.com, ripped into Lashley for this particular career move. The entry was published on ESPN.com, and here's a couple things Rosen had to say:

I lauded former WWE acrobat Bobby Lashley for arriving in MMA with the proper humility...he has to go and ruin it.

Lashley popped up during something called "TNA Lockdown"...I assume some poorly performed theater for the hygiene-challenged ensued.

I don't think his hybrid career will do the sport of MMA any favors...

[Wrestling is] a deranged spectacle.

Alright, seriously though, who exactly does Mr. Rosen think composes the audience of MMA pay-per-view watchers? Let's do a quick poll here: put your hand up if you've watched a wrestling PPV in the past year. Now, put your hand up if you watched an MMA PPV in that same time period.

We're guessing the hands didn't change all that much. Judging from just anecdotal evidence only, there's plenty of overlap between the two. Sure, there are those who only will watch one or the other, but for the most part, you're catering to the same group of people.

Quick, pick the which is the MMA crowd and which is the wrestling crowd:

And ignore that kid.

Rosen seems to be stuck with this age-old stereotype of wrestling fans. They don't shower. They live in someone's basement. They deliver/eat a lot of pizzas. Is that really how shallow we are, sir? Take it from a couple of guys who don't fit that description (save for the eating of pizza) that not everyone is "hygiene-challenged." There are quite a few of what you might call "normal" people who watch wrestling too. But seeing as the internet is the world's version of junior high, feel free to continue the ad hominem attacks. It really helps your position.

Also, why is wrestling continued to be held to the same standards as sports. This isn't 1984. No one believes wrestling is real anymore. The ESPN television magazine program E:60 just did a segment on Vince McMahon and the production work behind Wrestlemania 25. But wrestling fans are still a deluded bunch of grown children. Right.



And a fan of MMA is going to call wrestling out as being a "deranged spectacle"? HAHAHAHAHA! Alright, ok, you're right. Mixed martial arts is not a spectacle at all...

Oh, look where that one came from.

It does have "arts" in the name after all.

He also calls TNA "professional wrestling slang for 'embarrassment to the human race.'"


Alright, you've got us there.

In an attempt to prove that he's cultured and has watched a movie or two, quoting Max von Sydow from Hannah and Her Sisters (that's the "Woody Allen movie" you were looking for), "Can you imagine the level of a mind that watches wrestling?"

We've heard a quote or two ourselves, pal. How about the legendary comedian Andy Kaufman, who once said, "There's no drama like wrestling"? Not good enough for you? Well, take this from Roland Barthes, a French literary scholar:

It is no more ignoble to attend a wrestled performance of suffering than a performance of the sorrows of Arnolphe of Andromaque.

Yeah! What you said, Barthes!

Roland Barthes. Probably.

Really, Rosen, why can't we just coexist? Let's get along, buddy, because when you think about it, we're really not that different in the end.