R U READY TO DOWN SOME SMACK??? The Road to Wrestlemania edition

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

As Matt already told you, The Royal Rumble was last Sunday, and the WWE universe is forever cracked due to the shocking events that took place that night! Only by remembering history can we change the future!

So I'm going to open up with something a little odd. An ECW match. I know, I know. Who cares? Well it's high time we started paying a little respect to Tuesday nights, so I say! And so says the LOLBOP! Thus...I present to you

Matt Hardy

vs

Jack Swagger

with the ECW title on the line (with its fiery phoenix graphic)!


Wait...who the hell is Jack Swagger? What kind of ass clown wears such a comically over sized belt? He calls himself "The All-American American" and comes out to a song by One Day as a Lion (At least I think it's One Day as a Lion. I never liked Rage Against the Machine, so I don't know if that's a song of theirs, or if it's a new song of theirs, or if they even got back together, but I know it wouldn't be an old song because why pay a licensing fee for a nobody like Jack Swagger, so if it's a new RATM song then clearly it's for promotional purposes, but like I said, I don't know. The singer is clearly Zack from RATM though, and I know his new band is One Day as Lion, which is a great name for a crappy band. But I digress.)

You for reading all that. Not me for knowing all that.

Anyway the story going in is that good guy Hardy wants to regain his ECW title, who he lost to undefeated bad guy Swagger a few weeks ago on TV. The only noticeable spot was when Hardy kicked Swagger in the face a little too hard, so Swagger cashed in that receipt by tossing Hardy off the top rope a little too carelessly. Oh, that and Swagger won clean.

Go ahead and steal that and use it in your office. I know you're going to anyway.

Needless to say, Matt Hardy was less then thrilled with the outcome.

The other singles match involved Edge taking on Matt's brother Jeff, for his WWE title! And just before the match started, Smackdown GM (and Mrs. Edge) Vickie Guerrero changed the match from a normal singles match to a No Disqualification stipulation! Can she do that? On a whim? Oh she can? Ohhhh kay.

I don't think we'll ever run out of these.

Anyway, since Jeff is an agent of chaos, he thought this was just fine. So fine that he would do such crazy things like fall of ladders!

Jeff Hardy died for our sins.

And kick a defenseless husky woman!

He's doin' what we're all thinkin'! LOLOLZ

Of course, who could blame him? He's had a rough patch the last few months. First he got attacked before the Survivor Series, then he had that hit and run attack on I-95, and then of course that little pyro accident. But just when things were going well Jeff's mysterious attacker revealed himself! And it was Edge's brother, Christian! Back to Smackdown from TNA!


Not? Oh wow, I was very wrong. It's Jeff's brother Matt, here to help him take on the nefarious Edge (who we all remember, once stole Matt's lady)!





Edge wins back the title! You know, for as much as we make fun of HHH for always winning the strap, we sure don't get on Edge for having numerous title runs. Maybe it's because he's Canadian. The All American Canadian, perhaps?

Yes, yes. We all know I hate Lord of the Rings. Commence with the flaming.

Finally, the main event; the 30-Man, over the top rope, enter at 90 second interval, where the winner gets a title shot at the Superbowl (topical!) of wrestling, Wrestlemania! Of course, you knew that already. You attended the event/bought it on pay-per-view/know what wrestling is/read this blog.

...but just in case you're fat and stupid...

So Matt already told you the gory details, with Raw's well endowed crazy man Randy Orton winning the Rumble. He used his "Legacy" to eliminate Smackdown's Triple H. Still, there are a few things about the Royal Rumble that I noticed:

1. It felt like the Smackdown guys overwhelmingly were positioned earlier in the entry. Luck of the draw I suppose. True, the Big Show drew #30, and The Brian Kendrick drew a number in the late 20's (he eliminated someone and got eliminated in about ten seconds), it just seemed like the top 10 was littered with Smackdown guys. Couple that with Randy Orton having two other dudes watching his back and the deck was stacked against the blue brand.
   
2. Whenever someone new enters the Rumble everyone just stands around and let's that person clean house. I suppose that makes sense though. He's 90 seconds fresher then the previous dude.
3. How did Matt not mention the return of Rob Van Dam?! True it was one night only, and it was just for a hometown pop, and he was a little slower and pudgier then we remember, but still, RVD! RVD! RVD! And Chris Jericho had the nerve to eliminate him! If only some paragon of good, someone who held the power of a Ram could "toss him around the ring like a tossed salad."

There will be justice, Jericho.

Next stop: Wrestlemania! No? Next stop, tons of Smackdowns and Raws and a pay per view called No Way Out, but then, more Smackdowns and Raws and THEN Wrestlemania! But the fun is getting there! What would the Wizard of Oz be if Dorothy didn't meet her crew along the way? Shorter, that's what! So tune in tonight so we can understand why Matt committed fratricide! iNetwork Television, 8/7c!