R U READY TO DOWN SOME SMACK??? Bashed! at the Beach

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

What the hell? What the hell is this? Smackdown was DOMINATING this PPV? Seriously. Remember back in the early days of this feature, when every 3 weeks or so I'd just run a few Undertaker LOLs and that would be it for Smackdown PPV recap? Yea, no more. You see, Smackdown has consistently been the better brand in quality (if not ratings, unfortunately), so naturally the PPV shows will want to put the best show on, so as to entice future buys. Thus, Smackdown is all over The Bash.

Take for example, Smackdown's undercard. Dolph Ziggler has rapidly been rising the ranks on the blue show, and actually got his very first PPV match. No holds barred against The Great Khali. Yes, the giant has no charisma and can't work a lick, but the people love Slumdog Millionaire (since it makes us feel cultured to watch a foreign flick, even though it's in English, has a cast of people with Western features of beauty, and involves things like an M.I.A. soundtrack and Who Wants to be a Millionaire?. But I digress.) Anyway, the Big Zig (I will make this catch on) made sure to take the big man down by using a chair. Not to sit with, but to hit with! And if that wasn't enough, Dolph had a little help in the way of The Big Red Machine, KANE!

"I'm mad they're booking me with you!"

Delicious? You damn right it's delicious!

Kane's pissed at Khali because of...racism I guess? Alls I know is that we're getting a Wrestlemania 23 rematch in the near future!

On to the title matches. First up, Melina defending against long time challenger, the fetching Michelle McCool! I must give props to Michelle for wearing her cross between the canyon of space between her fake breasts she calls "cleavage." There's no way natural boobs hang like that.

Fashionable

Here's a closeup I got while stalking her home on night:

Don't ask me how I got this

Anyway, as far as WWE presentation of women's matches go, this was pretty good! Both girls can work and had some pretty interesting spots. Like Michelle taking Melina's strongest attribute, her flexibility and agility, and uniquely turning it against her!

I know she's bent in a painful move, but I can't help but think...

So yea, Michelle won and became the first woman in history to win both the Divas' belt and the Women's title. I guess that's a woman's equivalent of a "triple crown" or "grand slam" or whatever. We all know the only title worth having though is becoming Mrs. Adam Jones.

I swear I've seen this in some movie before..

Rey Mysterio and Chris Jericho had another classic for the IC title. This time Rey put his mask on the line, so if he loses he'll be so ashamed he'll commit sepuko or give his son's custody up in a ladder match or something similar. Just know that this is important for Rey.

Anyway, Jericho did succeed in getting Rey's mask off. However, what he DIDN'T consider is that Rey would have a second, identical mask on underneath. This clearly threw his entire gameplan off, because I mean, who can take off two masks? That's just impossible.

Devilishly Diabolic, Rey

Also, there was a unified tag title match. Now I know that the unified tag titles are less important then the Divas title, and although they can be defended on any brand, both the champion Colon brothers and Priceless are Raw dudes. Should have been covered on Monday, right? Well no? Vince McMahon told Smackdown GM Teddy Long to dance, and well, he danced. He threw Edge (who was complaining about not being on this PPV card) and Chris Jericho (who we just read about) into the match just because he could. Obviously, the other four men were less then thrilled.

This is pretty much how the match went.

Still, this is how hard Smackdown rules. Despite not being in the match hardly at all, and despite already wresting a match before, both Edge and Jericho won the tag titles! Smackdown rules!

This looks familiar....

...kinda like this!

Finally, the bastion of morals and discipline (heel) champ, CM Punk, defended his title against fan favorite screw up, Jeff Hardy! We are all lucky to watch this one, but not as lucky as Jeff Hardy was to be in this predicament:

Oh God, please turn around...

Clearly this excited Jeff so much that he just mounted (heheh) a fantastic set of offense. He did all his usual spots of twists of fate and Swantons (which are in the archives, go look it up elsewhere), but he didn't get the pin. Why? Because that bad CM Punk wouldn't just let Jeff pin him, so he decided that despite not having the strength to kick out, he'd just put his foot on the ropes, thus breaking the pin. Doesn't expel energy, breaks up the pin, seems smart to me. Except somehow that means he's weak. I know, doesn't make sense to me either. Regardless, the aforementioned Swanton gave Punk some vision problems, and he mistook the referee for Jeff Hardy!

Jeff can't believe it!

Well, we can't have wrestlers going all willy nilly on the refs, can we? Jeff wins! But not the title? Oh well, rules are rules.

Really can't. Seriously, what a dick.

Still, this dude seemed to be ok with everything.

I'd really love it if he was an executive at Carl's Jr.

Come see what awful excuses Jeff Hardy has this week. 8/7 c, MyNetwork TV (or anytime on hulu.com!)