OH BABY, I like it Raw! The fast and the spurious

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...



We come to the first Raw after "Bragging Rights" and guess what's going on: bragging. Look guys, it seems like you'd have it all out of your system by now.

...but clearly not.

Actually, the one doing the boasting was the Big Show, who was quite happy about his betrayal of his Raw teammates during the big 7-on-7 match. You'd think the double-cross was to help Team Smackdown win the match, but Show had other reasons. You see, this was all so the Big one could get a shot at Undertaker's title, and Theodore Long granted that wish, making Big Show the Number 1 Contender. Alright, that makes sense - he helps Smackdown win and he's awarded a title shot. Good enough for me.

Wait...no it isn't. No, because there's one small problem with this plan.

The strangest high school yearbook ever.

Big Show is not on Smackdown. Did Teddy Long think we'd just forget?? What's the big deal in trying to poach our superstars?? Or, perhaps, this is some elaborate triple-cross that Big Show has worked out to bring the World Heavyweight Championship to Raw. Man, this thing is getting a little too complic-


Oh, look, it's our guest hosts of the night, NASCAR drivers Kyle Busch and Joey Logano.


They aren't going to stand for this, and make two matches for this evening: Big Show vs. Triple H and Chris Jericho vs. Kofi Kingston. I'll catch ya later, socks, because you're about to be blown off.

And one of them is coming up now??! Here comes LOLie award winner Kofi Kingston to face other LOLie award winner Chris Jericho. Yes Raw fans, you already know how this one is turning out.


Both of these men had something to prove, but Kofi was going to use the security wall to help him get his point across.

These fans show the full range of emotion.

Kofi picks up win (Yay Raw!) and starts to head back to the locker room to celebrate with some Red Stripe, when who but that dastardly Viper should appear, and slither in to do this!


Kofi would be tended to by WWE's crack medical staff after falling from the stage to the floor.


Oh, you have something else to say? What's that? You're going to announce the Number 1 Contender for the WWE Title tonight? Alright, thanks.

Legacy felt the need to interrupt a promo by our own Mr. John Cena, but that didn't last long as they were interrupted with a match against the greatest tag team in the history of human endeavor, MVP and Mark Henry.

Legacy lost. Randy thought that meant it was a good time to make ridiculous demands, such as a rematch for the WWE Title, even though his contract clearly stipulated that if he lost at "Bragging Rights," that wouldn't happen. There he goes again, trying to slither out of things.

Oh well, at least he has this sweet race car that Cody and Teddy decided to give to him...


Oh damn!!! Kofi, apparently uninjured from the fall to the concrete he took just minutes ago, has that fire in his eyes and goes to work on Orton's new ride! This is what happens, Randy. Do you see what happens? This is what happens, Randy.

That thing couldn't have been street legal anyway.

The Miz lost to Evan Bourne by count-out. Way to prove you're not Marty Jannetty, Miz. And Sheamus beat Jamie Noble, prompting the question, "Those two are still employed?"

The final match of the night would be Triple H versus Big Show, which was turned into a Lumberjack match and John Cena was made the guest referee. But don't worry; this thing's going to be called right down the middle.


I said right down the middle.


Hey Cena, don't you see that the Lumberjacks are in the ring, interfering with this match. I need you start enforcing the rules around here.


Nevermind.

With that match over, looks like we can pack up and call it a-


Oh right. I forgot. The Number 1 Contender. What's that? You mean it should be Number 1 Contenders?? Because Cena will be facing Triple H and Shawn Michaels for the title in Triple Threat match at "Survivor Series"??!! Wow!!! Thanks!! Go back to...whatever you were doing.

Tune in to see how DX falls apart after this announcement, 9/8c on USA!