OH BABY, I like it RAW! vol. 13

SEASON'S BEATINGS!

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...



Last week, we got to see four heavyweights of the wrestling business square off for a shot at the title at the upcoming Royal Rumble. Let's take a look at the action!

We start the show with Rey Mysterio whining about one thing or another. Kids these days...


Actually, Rey is a little peeved that Michaels caused him to lose last week via disqualification. Rey makes a reasonable request that Shawn face him one-on-one tonight, and the winner of that match advances to the Fatal Four-way later that night. Shawn comes down and says that sounds pretty nice to him, so Rey and HBK are gonna tangle!

Oh, nevermind. JBL says that Shawn can't do that because he's Bradshaw's employee and Bradshaw tells him what to do. So, no match because JBL didn't want it to happen. Typically, I don't nitpick, but seriously, who in all Hell is in charge here? I understand that it's probably in Bradshaw's best interests to have HBK in the match later, seeing as he's clearly under his thumb...

Note the beaten puppy look

But aren't they both employees of the WWE? Wouldn't it be in the company's best interest to have this settled in a logical manner?

I suppose that would be breaking precedent.

Also, Mike Knox (!!!!!!!!) beat up Mysterio after all this, presumably because there's no one shorter to pick on.


Cody Rhodes and C.M. Punk have a match. William Regal comes to watch, since he's facing Punk for the IC Title next week (tonight). Regal ends up costing Punk the match...by distracting him and causing Punk to be counted out. Solid plan, Regal. Don't hurt the guy, just bruise his ego by making him lose a match that has no bearing on his career whatsoever. That's mental warfare, and perhaps they should call you the Cerebral Assassin.

Mr. Cena apparently doesn't want to do commentary on the Number 1 Contender's match later. Not sure why, but I guess he'd rather put a hurtin' on someone. And Goldust read "The Night Before Christmas," since it was four days ago. Very timely.

"...and Happy Thanksgiving as well!"

We're told Batista is out because he had surgery to replace two teeth knocked out by Orton's kick to the head (didn't see them fall out...strange). Oh, he also had an "elective" hamstring operation, since dentists also dabble in orthopedic surgery. Hmmm, I wonder which is the REAL reason he's out for several months.

You're right - there's no way you can wrestle with missing teeth.

There was a six-Diva Battle Royal. Melina won. Do you really care?

I didn't mean you, sweetie.

They took time to tell us that WWE.com has more page views than any of the broadcast network pages. And here all this time I thought every 13-year-old who spends their entire evenings on the internet have ABC.com set as their homepage. Silly me!

Above: reading CNN news

Sim Snuka had to fight his dad. OH WAIT! THAT'S NOT JIMMY SNUKA! That's "SuperHaas" Charlie Snuka!


He lost. It's ok, Charlie. You can still display that Seal of Awesomeness with pride.

Our champ got his wish and was in action tonight in a 10-man tag match, which pitted him and four other guys against every other heel on the roster that wasn't busy.


Mr. Cena and Kofi Kingston ended up finishing off the last two opponents in the ring by each doing their finishing moves on them. Nice work, fellas. I think they have a future as the Oreo Express, perhaps.

Kelly Kelly is backstage, telling Randy Orton she thinks the night they spent together was special. I bet it was, Double K. I bet it was. Allow me to show you some other things that are "special":


Randy says he just used her and didn't need the distraction. It's alright, honey. Come to papa.

Now to the final match. Seems I misspoke earlier (or mis-typed) - this is not a fatal four-way, but rather an elimination match, which is much longer and more epic. Jericho was the first to go, and it was evident early on that HBK was helping out JBL.

Next went Orton, leaving the two business associates in the ring, exemplifying a classic struggle that has existed since the dawn of man.



Yep, JBL forced Shawn to stand there and take a Clothesline FROM HELL and give him the match.

Is this how it's all going to play out?? Find out more tonight, 9/8c on USA!