W.W.W. featuring Jake "The Snake" Roberts and "The Million Dollar Man" Ted Dibase

On Wednesdays, we here at LOL, Wresslin' like to really pull out the stops and offer up a double shot of righteously killer content. Why Wednesday? Well, we could impress you with market research, work habit studies, and human psychology tendencies to show you there's a scientific reason the middle of the week is the best time to bring your A-game. However, truth be told, we don't have any of that stuff and settled on Wednesday because that was the only day that didn't have any content scheduled.

So, here you have "Watch Wresslin' Wednesdays." Please feel free to suggest a better title, because we are woefully uncreative when it comes to naming stuff.

Better at naming stuff than us.

The idea of W.W.W. is we each send the other a video that is related to wrestling (a match, promo, interview, guest starring spot, etc.). The only restriction is that it cannot be user-created, so your "How to Make Ronnie James Dio in Smackdown vs Raw 2008" video ain't gonna fly here, pal. Neither of us know what kind of video we're going to get that day.

After viewing, we each write a response. This could be anything we choose: a straight commentary, a philosophical enlightenment, or classless ridicule. Just as we don't know what kind of video the other will select, neither do we know what the other will write or how they will write it. What you end up with is a mash-up of styles, which in our book equates to two-blogs-in-one, and we can take the rest of the day off.

Matt's video to Adam- Bill Apter Interviews Jake Roberts




Adam's response...

Ok kids, calm down. We'll have our fun with Mr. Roberts soon enough. But let's take a deep breath and really look at this video. There is more then one person it. In addition to The Snake we have the man interviewing him, a man known only as Bill Apter.

Who is this Bill Apter character? Well, using the finest research tools at my disposal I was able to learn that he's been writing about professional wrestling since the 1970's. He wrote primarily for Pro Wrestling Illustrated, which was a known as a "mark magazine" in contrast to the "dirt sheets." Basically, magazines like PWI kept up kayfabe and covered pro wrestling like it was legitimate sporting competition. However, think of it more in vain with Soap Opera Digest rather then Sports Illustrated. Still, if Mr. Apter is continuing the charade that wrestling is real, then clearly speaking to a legend like Jake would be quite the honor, rather then the uncomfortable, slightly smelly encounter it truly is. After all, on Earth-53, the DDT is respected!

Anyway, this is a fairly recent interview that happened at the Legends of the Ring convention. Wait, Legends of the Ring? That sounds oddly familiar. Well Jake seems to be in good spirits. For some reason though he doesn't like Cleveland. Wonder why that would be?

It's a mystery

Oh, right. Well let's not dwell on the negatives. Let's talk about the positives. Jake's blogging! Like us! He has The Raw Report. The Raw Report? Is that the best you can come up with? What about Snake's Thoughts on the Monday Night Wrestling Related Program produced by World Wrestling Entertainment (inc) and aired on the USA Network, a division of Universal? Or at least Roberts's Raw Report, keep it a little more personal and alliterative, you dolt.

Still, he says we can find this blog on his official website, which is a Myspace profile. Listen Jake, we've been hard on you before, but seriously dude, I'm a little worried. This is honest advice. A Myspace profile is not a personal website. It's not even a real website. Hell, anything .blogspot isn't an official website. It's a space on the net that allows advertisers to know exactly what you like and thus they can send me ads that say "25 and single?" I shudder to think of the ads you get when web browsing, Snake.

Anyway, I'm going to peruse the man's "website." Marital status- single. Well no surprise there. Children? Proud parent. That must be a default, because I don't think Jake is proud of his kids. I can say with certainty that his kids aren't proud of him (no I can't). We can order some great Snake merchandise by going through his handler, farmgirl (at) atlantic (dot) net. Yup, not store (at) jakeroberts (dot) com. Not even through a third party wrestling store. Nope, some female farmer somewhere on the east coast. Oh, and here's a photo of Jake and his publicist.



Wow, what young boy did he kidnap from soccer practice? Well by using the finest research tools at my disposal I was able to conclude that this "man" is a 23 year old undergraduate at the University of Florida. That's right, he hasn't graduated from the state institution of the state with the lowest educational system in the country. I'm sure he can get some good publicity. Oh, and look at this suicide note he left for all his Myspace friends!



Why are we here again? Oh right, The Raw Report!

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Jake re: Orton-McMahon Thought I would do something different. And since I enjoy the Randy Orton and Jericho ending to Raw, just like to say how I think it would have been better. Can't get much better than Jericho on his knees...But with Orton, here's how I would have done it. First, I would have not let Stephanie leave the ring. Instead would have had her there and one of two things would have happened. When Vince went to fire Randy, could have had Vince duck and hit Stephanie. Then, as Vince was tending over his daughter baby-popper, then have Orton kick and do the damage to Vince. Actually not my first choice. My choice would have been Randy nail Vince as he's firing him which knocks him into Stephanie. Stephanie could go down or not, and if not, she comes at Orton who throttles her and as Vince comes up, shoves her on her ass and does the damage on Vince. But I still think, the best would be for her to be knocked down and Vince hovering over her, and as he turns and fires Orton, then Orton starts to leave and just turns and does the kick. To me, that's heat. Just a thought, and to show that this old fart still knows what he's doing, you tell me which one would be more heat. What I suggested, or what you were given. See you soon. Jake

Bill Apter would make the safest comment ever and say that, "Raw has its highs points and its low points." Jake would say "Raw should attack Stephanie." I'm going to say both comments suck.

Anyway, this is wrapping up. One last question for Snake: "How would a Jake/Rey Mysterio match go?" My guess? Badly. Jake's response? "Hopefully longer then five minutes." Hahah! Good one! Seriously. Jake showed a little humility and had a pretty good line, invoking both his own mortality and Rey's unbelievable conditioning. Nice going. What's that? He's continuing? "Because that's about how long matches go now.." Oh come on! Seriously? It's the system's fault? I bet you could still be a world champion, today, right Jake? Having a hot feud with Bob Backlund or something?

What?!? Scott Hall shows up out of nowhere? Wow! Thanks Matt, this video ruled.

Adam's video to Matt - Million Dollar Man's Thanksgiving



Matt's response...

SEASON'S BEATINGS!

Huh? It's the end of January? Well, I just thought since Adam sent me a Thanksgiving video, I had lapsed into a coma and awoken at the holidays. Which made me wonder who'd been writing my articles since then...

Well, ok, this is certainly disappointing. I mean, I agree with Jesse "The Body" in that I would LOVE to know how Ted DiBiase spends his Thanksgiving, but I tend to wonder that around, oh say, Thanksgiving, perhaps? Anyway, I'll charge ahead, being the soldier of the interwebs I am.

If the description on the video is to be believed (and since we believe Wikipedia, why not?) this is from 1987, which would make this the first Survivor Series PPV. Survivor Series has featured a lot of great superstars. In fact, just three years later, The Undertaker would make his debut at this PPV, brought in by our subject today, The Million Dollar Man. Coincidence? Yeah, probably.

So Jesse Ventura wants to know what DiBiase does on Thanksgiving, and Gorilla Monsoon imagines it's deplorable. Sure, let's paint everyone with a broad stroke, 'Rilla. Give the man a chance; maybe he feeds orphans on Thanksgiving.

Well, no. He rides around in a limo apparently, counting his money again and again. I mentioned to Adam today that this is probably the best gimmick to have at the time. Rather than Jake Roberts, who had to be greasy and carry a snake around, or even Hulk Hogan, M.D.M's thing was to go around acting like a big shot all the time. And in a day when kayfabe was protected, that was pretty cool.

So this video really has nothing to do with Thanksgiving and is more a highlight (or lowlight) reel of all of DiBiase's despicable deeds. We start with him offering a kid three hundred dollars to do ten push-ups. Seriously? This is easy. Here we go, kid. Make mom and dad proud!

He can't do it?! Come on! Look, I wasn't all that athletic of a kid, and I'm not all that athletic of a grown-up either, but I can do ten push-ups, especially if you're going to throw piles of cash of at me. And Ted didn't even have to do anything to make this kid lose. He just couldn't do it! What are you, fifty pounds, maybe? I hope your parents whipped the crap out of you when you got home and got you to chopping wood or something. Lazy kids these days.

Now this next one is just full of racial stereotyping. You have this little black kid who's challenged to dribble a basketball fifteen times for five bills. Oh yeah? A basketball? Maybe that kid likes other sports, like tennis or hockey. Why a basketball, Mr. Man? Oh, and he says it's obvious the kid needs the money. That his family needs the money. Well why is that? He's got to be poor, does he? Well, we'll see who's poor when he goes all Harlem Globetrotter on you.


HAHAHA, now that's legitimately funny. Get the kid all the way up to fourteen and then kick the ball away. That's what I expect from a top heel. Now, scoot on back to the ghetto from whence you came, young'un.

Next is a woman who's asked to bark like a dog for money. You know what, he was right to not pay her. That was a terrible job.

Well, finally he's sitting down to eat. This is what I wanted to see. Just what does one eat with a million dollars? Not turkey?? Booooo, how is this Thanksgiving? He eats squab.

Anyone who gets this reference has my undying respect.

His last act is kicking kids out of the pool. Somehow, I think this was set up. I can't quite figure out why, but something about that reverse angle from inside the pool manager's booth is fishy. Anyway, Virgil helps the guy out and gets the kid out. Some might again think this is staged, seeing as how all the kids file out in a disciplined manner. Honestly though, are you going to argue with this guy?

Lifeguard on duty

At the end, we see Ted DiBiase driving around in an expensive car. You know how I know it's expensive? Because he can record his lines while driving with the top down and there's not a hint of wind or road noise. Now THAT'S impressive, sir!