A couple days ago, we brought you a list of what we considered the best wrestling themes in existence. However, with every up, there's a down, and where wrestling themes are concerned, there are LOTS of downs. In the effort to be balanced, we're bringing you today the Bottom 8 theme songs.
The rules for consideration are the same - it has to be a song written to be an entrance theme. It also has to be a song, which means Diesel's theme is out, because it pretty much is an entrance sound effect. Right to Censor is out as well (looks like the Laugh Twins are the ones with the right to censor now!)
They also will be WWF/E themes, which narrows down the pool and makes it easier for us, but does preclude things like this gem. We encourage you to listen to that, because your life will never be the same...it will be worse.
So, cue the pathetic drum roll, because here's your Bottom 8 theme songs of all time (as chosen by us!)
8. Chris Jericho - "Don't You Wish You Were Me?"
You may think this is breaking the first rule, because technically this was on the Fozzy album first, but since we made the list, this one is getting in. It's Jericho's band, so we think we have a pass on this one. The song itself is forgettable, but what really made this terrible is that he chose this over his truly great theme (which made #6 on our first list). Also, anytime your theme song is altered to sell YJ Stinger, it's got serious stink on it.
7. X-Pac
"Quick, tell me something about X-Pac!"
"Uh, he was in D-X, right?"
Banking off his one recognizable plus, the original (and pretty kick-ass) Degeneration X theme was remixed for one Sean Waltman. It was slowed down, a poor rap placed over the beat, and preceded with the command to "make some noise," which no one in the crowd heeded. If there's one way to get someone to dislike you, it's to remind them of cool things you used to do.
Allow us to give you the first two lyrics of this song (aside from recognizing the fact that Billy Gunn is, in fact, an ass man)
I love to love 'em, I love to kick 'em, I love to shove 'em, I love to stick 'em
Love to flaunt 'em, I love to watch 'em, I love to pick 'em, and I'm gonna kick 'em
We should remind you that he's talking about ass here. Just in case you missed it, he'll tell you twice that he's going to kick ass, but not before he also makes it clear he will stick and pick ass as well. And later on he tells us the best is when you "sneak up from behind." Billy and Chuck make a whole lot more sense now.
A problem some wrestlers have is a generic theme. It's not necessarily bad; it just doesn't stand out in anyway from some other jobber on the roster. Mr. Helms had that problem, because his theme wasn't all that bad, it was just "meh." So to solve this (and ensure a huge pop), his theme was modified so you'd no for sure you were about to witness the genius of Gregory Helms. How did they accomplish this? By having him say "Gregory Helms!" at the beginning. Good plan.
4. McMahon's Million Dollar Mania
Alright, so this wasn't actually a wrestler, but this concept was so ridiculous it had to make it in. Right before he was crushed by the Raw set, Mr. McMahon spent a couple weeks giving away cash on the air. Rather than simply come out to his own theme (which made it onto the other list as well at #5), McMahon thought he should start the segment out with a special theme for "da monaaay" itself. Whichever Mozart came up with Gregory Helms's theme got some extra work that day, and some singer was paid to come and repeat the word "money" into a mic fifty times.
We're highlighting Torrie's theme here, but this applies to pretty much every Diva other than perhaps Lita. The diva's theme serves one purpose - background noise while we oogle at her Titantron video or her prance down the ramp. But they all share some common messages: this girl is hot; she likes to have fun; she might possibly want to do something nasty with you; and everyone likes to look at her.
2. The Mountie
This just sounds like a cartoon theme. How this was ever supposed to create excitement for the Mountie is beyond us, because all this makes us want is some Fruity Pebbles. In case you were curious, he's handsome, and brave, and strong. Well, buddy, if your theme song has to inform us of that, it's probably nowhere near the truth.
1. Rob Conway
Immediately when we thought of this list, we knew what would occupy the number one spot. Catapulting itself into the "so bad, it's good' territory, Conway's theme when he broke off from La Resistance is a classic case of missing the mark. Rob Conway himself has said he hated it. With it's ragtime-ish piano and absolutely ridiculous lyrics and vocals, Conway let the audience know that it was time to cast their gaze upon his wonderment, because he's been around the world and been with many, many girls. The sad thing is, this theme is main reason both of the Laugh Twins are probably the biggest Con-fans you'll ever meet.
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