W.W.W. featuring Scotty Goldman and Piledriver

On Wednesdays, we here at LOL, Wresslin' like to really pull out the stops and offer up a double shot of righteously killer content. Why Wednesday? Well, we could impress you with market research, work habit studies, and human psychology tendencies to show you there's a scientific reason the middle of the week is the best time to bring your A-game. However, truth be told, we don't have any of that stuff and settled on Wednesday because that was the only day that didn't have any content scheduled.

So, here you have "Watch Wresslin' Wednesdays." Please feel free to suggest a better title, because we are woefully uncreative when it comes to naming stuff.

Better at naming stuff than us.

The idea of W.W.W. is we each send the other a video that is related to wrestling (a match, promo, interview, guest starring spot, etc.). The only restriction is that it cannot be user-created, so your fat dance video to various wrestling theme ain't gonna fly here, pal. Neither of us know what kind of video we're going to get that day.

After viewing, we each write a response. This could be anything we choose: a straight commentary, a philosophical enlightenment, or classless ridicule. Just as we don't know what kind of video the other will select, neither do we know what the other will write or how they will write it. What you end up with is a mash-up of styles, which in our book equates to two-blogs-in-one, and we can take the rest of the day off.

Adam's video to Matt - What's Crackin' with Scotty Goldman



Matt's response...

The Internet is a wild and varied place. Any number of things can be discovered traveling the virtually lawless expanse that is the World Wide Web. It's the home of news, if that's your poison. A refuge for outcasts. LOL Wresslin' exists on the web, which caters to both news AND outcasts.

This is out there too.

And it's also the resting place of What's Crackin' with Scotty Goldman - a segment so good, apparently, that Steveweiser357 thought it should be unleashed from its harness on WWE.com and allowed to roam free on YouTube. It was uploaded on the 23rd of January, and since that time has garnered over two thousand views (surely half of those were inadvertent while trying to find this clip). It's also been amended with 19 comments as of posting this entry; a cadre of Goldman supporters who gleefully pronounce "LOLZ!" at the sound of his voice.

Not me, though. Adam accuses me of not giving the new guys a fair shot, but that's not completely true. It's true in a sense, of course, but I've marked out for several undercarders in my time. Some have panned out, most haven't. I'm just picky with my support, and just because a guy is a fresh face doesn't mean I want him around.

Scotty Goldman is one of those guys. In truly western vernacular, I'm not hitchin' my wagon to that mule, and I'm glad the jackass was released. Why? Because of crap like this. I don't know where to place the blame for this video, because I'm sure Scotty didn't do all the post-production on it, but I'll still take my anger out on him.

First, ditch the ridiculous "Jewish" music. I don't know if that was his theme while he was in the WWE. I don't know that because I never saw the dude on TV (I guess maybe he was on SyFy? Or SmackFrown?) I get it already. You use Star of David wipes as transitions. Clever.

Second, don't you even hold a Shamwow. And don't use it's catchphrase. There's only one man that can sell me a Shamwow, and it ain't you, brother.

You have my axe, liege.

Speaking of catchphrases, you don't have one, so by your own definition, you're a nobody. "What's crackin'" doesn't count, because that's just stupid.

And you know what else is stupid? Cutting the sleeves off a suit jacket and passing it off as a vest. I didn't even notice at first, but when you pointed it out, I can't help but notice...that you're A FREAKING TOOL!

I bet those would be great as a pair of briefs...

Finally, and this goes for everyone at WWE.com, learn to conduct yourself in front of a greenscreen. Let's light the set evenly, so people aren't walking around in shadow where there clearly isn't any. Let's not walk over or through beds in background. And I don't believe the Internet is floating behind you, so drop the schtick.

Scotty Goldman. I hate you.

Matt's video to Adam- "Piledriver"



Adam's response...

The hot topics around these parts lately have been the WWE Hall of Fame and music. We can't seem to get enough of it! Thus, Matt decided to blend two great tastes into one awesome taste when he sent me the music video for the smash hit "Piledriver" sung by 2009 inductee Koko B. Ware!

I like the basic premise of this music video since it appears to be based on fact. When the WWF superstars aren't touring the country entertaining millions the volunteer their time working for Habitat for Humanity. At least you'd think that...

No, the greatest Intercontinental champion of all time, The Honky Tonk Man, decided to skip work and drive a Cadillac around with Jimmy Hart. And to be an even bigger dick, he drove right to the construction site to brag. Ken Patera and Bam Bam Bigelow are not amused, but thankfully Hulk Hogan has a sledge hammer and can stop a vehicle going 25 MPH+ by giving a real mean stare. Of course, Koko B Ware is taking this distraction as an opportunity to sing a love song, much to the dismay of his foreman.

Now, sure, these titans of the ring are doing the Lord's work, but they can have fun! Like holding a cement dispensing cylinder and shooting the cement onto their boss's back!

I know that it's a tool, but I can't help but think...

Look that this mischievous face from the Immortal Hogan!

"Oh geeze...ahh...(pant)..here it comes..."

"AUUUUUUUUGGHHH!!"

And it's not all back breaking labor! Every lunch break they all get a little desert, as some of the finest tail this side of Bridgeport walks past these muscle men (in an isolated location) for no discernible reason. Not even joking. Check some of these girls out.

Yes and maybe (L-R)

Can I get some fries with that?

I mean, I assume they're girls. Without seeing their faces (and you know, deobjectifying them just a little bit) I can't be sure. They could be pre-op trannies for all I know, but be that as they may, they appear to be damn sexy. Don't believe me? Check out the wrestler's reactions:

Clearly he's so flabbergasted by her hotness he spills his water. Nothing more to it.

And for some reason the mere presence of these women causes the wrestlers to eat their lunches like retarded children. Must be some 1980's mating call.

No idea who that is, but he's eating an apple. Badly.

This may have to be our new profile image.

Oh, and before I forget, look who got in on the action for a few seconds:

Stand back!

Yup, just one of the guys, right Vinny?

And if the constant ejaculation metaphors were too subtle for you, let's check back in with that wascally foreman. Seems like he's taking his lunch break to jerk off in the port-o-potty.

Seriously

SERIOUSLY.

Seriously