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Oh my, dear Raw fan, just another ordinary night here on Monday Night Raw. Nothing interesting going to hap-
Wait, what's that?
The Piper's Pit set??
Yes!!!! Piper is here and he's going to show us just what being an old codger is all about!!
Horsemen!Oh wait, nevermind.
Yeah, Jericho for some reason thought it would be clever to set up the Piper's Pit scenery and have himself a little talk segment. And with who, you may ask? Well, the only Piper's Pit guest anyone watching wrestling today might possibly remember - Jimmy Snuka. (Seems I've seen him on another talk show recently) Fresh off hooking hookers, "Superfly" is here to show just how effective you can be without saying a word.
Jericho, of course, just wanted to take another opportunity to berate an old-timer. He even went to far as to bring produce to the ring, none of which phased Snuka one bit until he brought out what may as well have been a hand grenade...
Yeah, Snuka shrank away from the coconut like it killed his family at the beginning of a samurai movie. However, he did fight back against Lionheart, only to have the set knocked over on him for his efforts. Nice try, old man.
What else happened on Raw, besides beating up the elderly? Well, we have a Triple Threat Money-in-the-Bank qualifier, featuring Mike Knox (OMG!), Kane and Rey Mysterio. Hmm, let's see, which of these guys is going to go on and be in a ladder match at Wrestlemania 25?
What?? Really?? Vickie Guerrero must really be in charge, because that was just SmackDUMB.
Next there's a Diva's tag match with nothing on the line. Why do I mention it? Well, a certain lady who hasn't gotten much press in this column is finally back in the ring.
And there's so much I'd like to press.In a move that finally resembles real life, Orton says he's going to press charges against Triple H for assault because of last week's teeny tiny attack with a sledgehammer. Trips thought this would be a good time to smooth things over, so he came down to the ring with another sledgehammer.
I swear he had a sledgehammer just a second ago...Orton indicated that rather than have HHH arrested, he'd rather just fight him at Wrestlemania. Ah, wrestling comes back to save us. Randy made Hunter agree that he wouldn't attack unless physically provoked, or that pesky assault would come back up and the only thing HHH would be seeing during Wrestlemania is the inside of jail cell. Trips agreed to that and then immediately rushed Orton when he started talking about doing an RKO on Stephanie.
I guess that whole stipulation starts on Tuesday.
Crapdown's big Russian is in the building, and we're finally going to find out who's facing Undertaker at Wrestlemania. I could fill a page with beautiful prose describing the match, but this is far more satisfying:
Take that, you socialist pig!Yeah, Kozlov is obviously new to the country, because he had no idea what was coming when Shawn starting acting a fool and stomping his foot on the mat repeatedely. Michaels caught him square and pinned him clean. Afterward, Undertaker came out to stare down his newly crowned opponent.
Finally, we have Cena facing Smackdown's "champion" Edge for that belt he carries around. Naturally, up against a superior force, a Smackdown "wrestler" is forced to cheat to win, but they can't even do that right.
Edge hit Cena with the belt, causing a DQ with Edge keeping the title. And again, Smackdown GM Vickie Guerrero comes out to handle a little show business on Raw. Why do they announce Smackdown's Wrestlemania main event on Raw? So someone can see it.
Your new Number 1 Contender for the World Heavyweight Title...
Weeee. Look for even more excitement tonight at 9/8c on USA!!
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