R U READY TO DOWN SOME SMACK??? A lean, mean, Extreme scene

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

Before the Denver Debacle, WWE had to run some shows in cities that did not have NBA playoff teams. This week's Smackdown was in Cincinnati, Ohio. AKA, the worst place in the world. So the show has a little stink on it already. We better start out strong.

A promo? Really? The show opens with a promo? AGAIN??

Check the file name for joke

Anyway, since in ring promos (that don't involve NBA owners and da monnnaaaayyy) bore me, I am thinking about just skipping it. Of course, this one seemed sort of important, so let me give you the bullet points.

1) Very gay belt

2) Jeff Hardy wants to wrestle Edge tonight (last week!) to determine the stipulation for their PPV rematch. Edge does not want to do that. So Jeff goes into the crowd and asks them if they want they. They all said yes.

The dude on the left LOVES it!

I wish someone said "NO! I WANT FRESH MATCHUPS!". That would have ruled.

Ok, on to some wresslin'! Wait, not yet! Here's a photo of Michelle McCool!

If she were pantsless I'd totally masturbate to this picture. No joke.

Ok, now on to some wrestling! Chris Jericho and CM Punk got it on (sexually) again. They had a match the night before on that WWE Superstars show. You know (tm), Velocity 2.0. So yes, it was sooooo exciting.

That's one way to GTS

And if that wasn't enough the MOST UNEXPECTED THING IN THE HISTORY OF THINGS HAPPENED IN THIS MATCH.

Getting kicked in the head by a real Cinci-Fatty

But this time, shit got real. Because he had a strap! Signifying he wanted a strap match at Extreme Rules! And then get this, the MOST UNEXPECTED THING IN THE HISTORY OF THINGS HAPPENED AGAIN, as Umaga spoke!

Haven't we all dreamed of this particular scenario before?

And in the aforementioned main event, WWE gave away PPV matches on free TV again because it somehow sells PPV's. The buyrates support this theory. So yea, they wrestled in a singles match, with the winner getting to pick the stipulation for their title match. Granted, I'd pick a "I get to bring a knife to the ring" or "You're blindfolded and handcuffed" match, but whatever. I'm not that sporting. You know what is rather sporting? WWE.com's editorial department and their love of puns.

WWE.com interns, I love you..

Anyway, since Edge won at the last PPV (through cheating, no doubt) it makes perfect sense that Jeff would win clean this time, putting the evil champ at a disadvantage. And guess what? This is Smackdown! Things make sense here!

I've run this exact photo about a million times now

So there it is. The World Heavyweight Champion pinned clean in the middle of the ring. Will we have to wait to know the special stipulation? Hell no!




All caught up after that? No!? Screw you! MyNetwork TV, 8/7c!

Pay-per-screwed

The WWE is quite a fan of PPVs. QUITE a fan. There's one at least every month, sometimes more. The problem with having so many PPVs (beyond the money aspect) is that you have just a few tent pole shows, and the rest are just throw-away events that really don't offer anything special.

If somehow you do find some sort of identity in a particular pay-per-view (say, maybe, King of the Ring), WWE has a habit of getting rid of those and replacing them with something you've never heard of. Take this month, for instance. Not only have they changed the name of "The Great American Bash" to simply "The Bash," but they've also replaced "One Night Stand" with a new event titled "Extreme Rules." What does that entail, you ask? Well, you're an idiot, because it says it right in the name.

They've also just announced a new show in place of "Unforgiven." This one will be called "Breaking Point," no doubt in reference to about where WWE fans will be when this PPV rolls around.

Imagine we photoshopped this to say "Breaking Point" and maybe put Triple H's head in place of Keanu Reeves.

Since it seems clear that the folks in Stamford pick pay-per-view names by putting a bunch of intense words on a dart board, pounding a few Guinness and playing a nice game of 301, we thought we'd provide a few titles with some actual thought behind them, and the stipulations they carry.

Blood Brothers - This is pretty simple. All tag team matches, all "first blood" rules, but each person that gets juice is eliminated until there is only one man left.

Season's Beatings - How does this not already exist?

Daylight Misbehaving Time - This is definitely an ECW show, because who else would make one based off a national clock holiday. Maybe it could even be an hour shorter. A bunch of time limit matches, and perhaps a "Spring Forward" match with trampolines.

King of the Ring - Just bring it back, damn it!

Just Desserts - All food-themed matches. Divas have a food fight. Eight-man match similar to "Money in the Bank" except with a birthday cake suspended above the ring - a "Winner Takes the Cake" match. Triple H and John Cena in a "beefiest biceps" arm wrestling competition. And, of course, Big Show and Mark Henry in an eating contest.

Yeah, we've used this before, but it makes us laugh.

W.W.W. featuring Raw Invading Smackdown and Raven/Kanyon

On Wednesdays, we here at LOL, Wresslin' like to really pull out the stops and offer up a double shot of righteously killer content. Why Wednesday? Well, we could impress you with market research, work habit studies, and human psychology tendencies to show you there's a scientific reason the middle of the week is the best time to bring your A-game. However, truth be told, we don't have any of that stuff and settled on Wednesday because that was the only day that didn't have any content scheduled.

So, here you have "Watch Wresslin' Wednesdays." Please feel free to suggest a better title, because we are woefully uncreative when it comes to naming stuff.

Better at naming stuff than us

The idea of W.W.W. is we each send the other a video that is related to wrestling (a match, promo, interview, guest starring spot, etc.). The only restriction is that it cannot be user-created, so the million "Ric Flair, leave the memories alone!" music videos a'int gonna fly here, pal. Neither of us know what kind of video we're going to get that day.

After viewing, we each write a response. This could be anything we choose: a straight commentary, a philosophical enlightenment, or classless ridicule. Just as we don't know what kind of video the other will select, neither do we know what the other will write or how they will write it. What you end up with is a mash-up of styles, which in our book equates to two-blogs-in-one, and we can take the rest of the day off.

Matt's video to Adam- Raw Invades Smackdown



Adam's response...

First off, Matt, you're a dick. A huge dick. Here I thought we ended the pettiness that is Smackdown vs Raw 2009. I thought we agreed that Smackdown was clearly superior and we would move on, concentrate our efforts on Blog War 09, and then make fun of Ring of Honor or something.
But no, you need to show me an example of awful Smackdown booking and some losers just destroying the ever loving crap out of the blue show. Way to show solidarity, ass.

Click to embiggen

Anyway, let's get into this awfulness. WWE chose to commemorate the one year anniversary of 9/11 by committing a crime and having marriage between two people of the same sex. I'm not taking a moral stance on gay marriage either way, but it was not legal in this country at that particular point in time. Unless this Smackdown was in Boston or Rhode Island or something. That I don't know. If that was the case then I retract my entire argument.


Side note: What was I doing on the one year anniversary of 9/11? I was in an 8 AM media studies class. It was my second week of college, which was in Washington, DC. My professor took a moment to see if anyone wanted to talk about anything since it was 9/11's birthday and all. No one said a word. My professor continued "9/11 will always be very personal for me, since my father died on 9/11." Obviously, everyone felt awful, assuming her father worked in the towers. She then continued, "He lived in Florida. He was so distraught over what happened that he went for a walk and was eaten by an alligator. It made the AP the next day." Yes, since this was a media class, that little detail was important. Asshole me is snickering in the front row. I got an A-.

So if you read Eric Bischoff's twitter, you'll know he's a rather staunch Republican. Thus, I can understand why he would impersonate a minister just to ruin two gays' wedding. You know Billy Gunn is a gay because his cummerbund said "BILLY" on it. But seriously, do you have to hold back Stephanie McMahon when Three Minute Warning hit the ring? It's not like she's going mount the comeback, especially since Rico turned on Billy and Chuck.

On the topic of Rico, he turned for no reason. None. And it's not like he changed his gimmick when he became 3MW's manager either. Because two gang banger's just love to hang out with a flamboyantly homosexual stylist. They go together like chocolate and peanut butter. You know what though? Maybe Rico liked the challenge. If anyone needed a stylist it would be Rosey and Jamal, wearing giant football jerseys everywhere they go. I see Rosey's number was 3, which makes sense, given the team name and all, but why exactly is Jamal wearing a personalized #27 Tennessee Titans jersey?

Maybe he's like..nine Roseys?

Oh well, he eventually left civilization and came back as Umaga. I wonder what his passport says?

So yea, that's pretty much it. Oh wait, Edge, Rey Mysterio, and John Cena chase everyone off. Yup, three future world champions vs Rico and Three Minute Warning. Overcompensating a bit there, SD!?


Adam's video to Matt - Raven reveals his act to Kanyon



Matt's response...

It's easy to get a little blinded by something new and shiny, which tends to push the old things out of your memory. We tend to ascribe more weight to things we've just seen and look at the others as if there were just a pile of broken toys, no longer useful to us. I understand this completely.

And even though I know it's part of our nature to do so, I think this is best thing I've seen as part of this column. Made all the more impressive by the fact that I am neither a Raven nor a Kanyon fan. I don't dislike them. I just don't care about them. But I don't think you have to like them to enjoy this skit.

I don't even know what to write, other than list all the things that are awesome about this. Here's all the things that make me love it:

• Breaking the fourth wall
• Ferrari
• Bags of money
• Raven and Kanyon in a fancy store, with dance music
• "What a mark."
• Kanyon in the dressing room (lol, but I'm totally not gay)
• Getting in a car without using doors
• "Hold my money, Kanyon." "Yep."

Since I can't seem to find anything to say that would make this video better, I'll delve into the comments left on YouTube. A small minority seem to share the same opinion that I do, but otherwise there are two main threads working in the user commentary: this ruins Raven's character, and Kanyon is gay.

The first one can only be proffered by misanthropes and sad sacks who found comfort in Raven's depressed and moody persona. Of course they think it ruined his character. That Raven was their hero. Who is this douche? Riding in fancy cars, carrying bundles of cash, buying nice clothes. Raven, we barely know you anymore.

Despite the fact that the man known as Raven played several characters of this sort before he assumed that particular character, I can't see how this ruins anything. Then again, I don't really care, so maybe I can just appreciate the humor. But at least it's far more interesting than Kanyon pulling up to Raven's crack house.

As far as Kanyon being gay? Well, you can imagine where the internet fools are taking that one, but come on folks...

Could you not tell?

Makes you think twice about Kanyon coming down the stairs, tucking in his shirt.

Here we go again

Obviously last night was Vince McMahon's giant "F you" to the NBA and more specifically, the Denver Nuggets and their management. Not to get all spoilery for next weeks "OH BABY I LIKE IT RAW!", but let's just say it was glorious. Rather then just make dick jokes and hire kinda-look-a-likes, Vince decided to hit 'em where it hurts: their wallets. Yes, he announced the formation of a brand new basketball league to go head to head with NBA, aptly named the XBA! We were lucky enough to do some investigative reporting (digging through Shane's garbage) and find out some of the particulars of the new basketball initiative.

1) Twenty teams with ten per conference, five per division. The playoffs will consist of top four seeds in each conference playing a best of five series, with the finals being best of seven. Cities already vying for XBA franchises include Las Vegas, Los Angeles, Brooklyn, Fort Lauderdale, Toledo, Birmingham, and oddly enough, Denver (who will be known as the "Thuggets".)

2) MyNetwork TV has agreed to forgo its plans of magic awards and Law & Order reruns to broadcast the "XBA Game of the Week" every Wednesday night at 9:25 PM. This will be followed by the Shelton Benjamin hosted post game show "Don't Try and Stop the Funk on a Particularly Nasty Dunk."

3) Halftime shows will consist of cheerleaders acting dumb around a male cheerleader in drag, A Randy Orton promo that will only be two sentences long, repeated attempts at dunking by Hornswaggle, and HHH fucking a corpse.

4) All teams will have black as their main color..because it's extreme.

5) Michael Cole and Matt Striker will call most games. WWE and XBA officials will advise watching games on "Mute." This is all a ploy to boost attendance.

6) Pops Mensah-Bonsu will be league MVP. This has been decided.



7) Underutilized players will be cut and eventually play for TNABA. It is there that they will learn that they didn't play due to "politics", but because they do, in fact, suck.

The XBA kicks off this summer, so be sure to catch it! What are you going to do? Watch the WNBA?

OH BABY, I like it Raw! Flair game for the Animal

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...



Today's Memorial Day here in America, and as such, most of us are taking time off from what we normally do on a Monday and spend time doing other things. For me, that would mean taking time off from playing Xbox, and instead playing Wii.

Thank goodness the grocery stores are open.

Monday Night Raw, however, isn't taking the night off. Tonight they'll be in L.A. following the much public fight with the Denver Nuggets. We'll be treated to WWE's version of a basketball game, which will include only slightly less physical contact than a typical Nuggets game. But aside from that, let's take a look at what transpired last week to get us caught up.

First, Randy Orton is droning on and on about how he's still the WWE Champion. Of course, he had to come to the ring and show off his belt to everyone.

For God's sake, who put the ring in the middle of a highway?!

Orton's victory lap was short-lived, though, as Ric Flair needed to remind us that he definitely not going to leave the memories alone. Ric came to let us know that Vickie is upset that Randy exploited the rules just like every other heel in the WWE has ever done, and so at Exxxxxxxxtreme Rules, there will be a rematch with Batista in a........

STEEL CAGE!!!!!!!

Death chamber.

Why are we supposed to be impressed by cage matches anymore? Ric says now we don't have to worry about outside interference, but we all know that's not true. I mean, there's a door on the cage. It's not exactly inescapable.

Anyway, as is custom, Legacy ran in to beat up Ric, Batista and John Cena ran into the beat up Legacy, and after all is said and done, there's going to be handicap match with everyone but Ric Flair, but I'm sure he'll turn up somehow.

Next is a Diva Battle Royal for a title shot. I would normally give this short coverage, and I'm still going to, by maybe not quite as short as I would have otherwise. Maryse came to sit at the announce table, where she stayed until there were two people left in the ring - Mickie James and the ever-lovely Kelly Kelly. Maryse felt it was high time she did something about that.


She sprayed something in Mickie's face that made her roll around on the ground long enough for K-squared to come and boot her from the ring. Know what that means??

Watch where you're pointing buddy.

So now Double K is the Number One Contender for the Diva's Title, and I officially care about women's wrestling again.

Santina Marella beat Chavo in a battle of exotic cultures for our amusement. And The Brian Kendrick proved once again how useless he is - he and Goldust lost a tag match, after which The Kendrick said it was Goldie's fault, only to have the wigged one and Hornswoggle kick him out of the ring.


And here we have the Miz again. He almost scored some points with me in dressing up like John Cena and coming out to Cena's old tune "Basic Thuganomics." Then he opened his mouth and I remember that I truly hate this guy. He called out Cena again, Cena was too busy mackin' on fine womens, and Miz declared himself the victor again.

At this point, Jerry Lawler felt the need to intervene on the audience's behalf, explaining to the faux-hawked d-bag that simply calling someone out did not equal having a match. Lawler proceeded to call out Batista, Hulk Hogan, Bruno Sammartino and Steve Austin, and asked if Miz thought he should be declared the winner over all of them.

What is with that shirt, Jerry?

Then things just get stupid, as the Big Show comes out and slaps the camel clutch on Lawler for less of a reason than I just provided.

U.S. Champeen MVP beat Matt Hardy, but seeing how Hardy still has a cast on his arm and MVP won by stomping on it, I can't really call this a convincing win.

"F yo cast!"

Vickie Guerrero is now Miss Wrestlemania, after having a match against Santina. She actually did nothing but make the pin, after both Chavo and William Regal beat up her opponent. Maybe now we can be done with that ridiculous storyline.

Finally, it's the big handicap match. Big Show interfered and got Cena to go after him, proving that no matter what, a face will drop his responsibilities in the ring to beat up someone else if they feel like it. So Batista is left in a 3-on-1 situation. You know that won't last for long though, and it didn't as Ric Flair appeared to distract the trio of highly trained athletes and allowed Batista to spear and pin Randy.


Tonight, Flair is supposed to call out Randy for a fight, so be sure to see man in his prime get beat up by someone triple his age at 9/8c on USA!

R U READY TO DOWN SOME SMACK??? Judgment has come

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

What is this? What the hell is this? Smackdown has more matches on a PPV then Raw and ECW combined??? How can this be? I always thought that Friday night was the best kept secret in the WWE Universe, but apparently not anymore. So, since you demanded it, here's a lot of Smackdown PPV action!

To open up the show, we had Mr. Money in the Bank, CM Punk, taking on the Samoan Bulldozer, Umaga!



This should be no contest. Seriously, CM Punk is the defacto #1 contender and Umaga is the fattest fat that ever fattted. Umaga is coming back from injury and is rusty, Punk is at the top of his game, this shouldn't even be on PPV. Plus, add in the fact that this show is in Chicago, Punk's hometown! It's not like WWE would ever embarrass one of their top talents in his hometown.

Errr...umm

Ok, so the match pretty much went like this.

Jake Peavy nixxed that trade, by the way.

Also on the undercard was the culmination of the storied three week feud Shelton Benjamin and John Morrison warred. But Shelton didn't come alone. No sir, he brought his old running buddy, Charlie Haas with him! And the team was a symbol of racial harmony!

Black guy wearing yellow, white guy wearing red. Hmm..seems all races are covered.

I know, can you believe it? Charlie haas gotten himself a PPV payday. Unfortunately, that was about all the good news for The World's Greatest Tag Team, as Shaman of Sexy damn near killed himself doing this corkscrew move. Ordinarily, that would lead the doctor calling the match in favor of Shelton, but this is WWE, so somehow the impact hurt Morrison more. And he won, Lord did he win.

Yea, you're going to have neck surgery one day.

What that you say? You want titles? Smackdown's got those too! Star of the show, Chris Jericho (rhymes!) challenged height challenged Intercontinental champion Rey Mysterio. Rey is a one time Intercontinental champion, which puts him only one reign behind Santino Marella and Val Venis in the title's prestigious history! Still, I suppose he needs to lose the title before he can go on a second reign, so I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt.

Anyway, Rey wore a stupid shirt.


Naturally, this match should be another no contest, as Chris Jericho is smarter, better looking, stronger, and just better all around then Rey Mysterio. I mean, he takes bigger craps then Rey Mysterio, that's how tough he is!

He popped a squat just to prove that fact.

Still, it wouldn't be a Rey Mysterio match if the tenacious underdog didn't somehow pull it out. And although Jericho was mostly successfully at blocking the 619, he forgot that Rey does have some other moves.

This made Randy "The Ram" very happy.

And in the main event, the show closer, Jeff Hardy took on Edge for what must be the millionth time for a title. This time it happened to be the World Heavyweight Title, but whatever. Just know that Jeff was a mess and probably will be taking some time off in the next few months.

"Guess what? I'm weird..I mean a free spirit!"

Anyway, these two added a few wrinkles into their epic, grandiose rivalry. For example, Jeff Hardy put the Sharpshooter onto Edge! Because Edge is Canadian!


And then, they decided to get all exxxtreme on us, and fight in the crowd!

You'd figure the fans would be a little concerned for their saftey..

Still, that was not to be, because our fan of the night decided to hit Jeff in the face with his cast. It's hard to see him, but he's there.

It could have been a hallucination, though.

Regardless, that was all that was needed because Edge went on to successfully defend that title.

Now let me get at dem millions...

Yup, so that happened.

PPV over, let's get ready for the next three week build! Tonight, 8/7c on MyNetwork TV!

Laugh Twins triumphant

For a theme song to accompany our victory blog, please press play and enjoy...



The internet is a rough place, friends. When you run the preeminent wrestling comedy blog, it's an unavoidable truth that people are going to make a run at you, challenge you, test your mettle as the top dog. Well, not you, because you aren't the creators of said wrestling blog - we are. But as our readers, you understand.

We've paid for this top spot not only through our extensive creativity, but through our own blood and treasure. The latest upstart to butt heads with us was the one Ms. Ray from the UK (rhyming!), who runs the site Wrestlegasm. At first, it seemed we could coexist; she providing a Welsh perspective, us proving the clearly superior U.S. view. But those dreams were quickly dashed when we realized she was quite obviously stealing our content. Thus the first shots of Blog War '09.

We were prepared for long campaign, because despite being a female, she proved herself a difficult competitor to put down. Our first two blog wars came and went without fanfare, with the challengers folding quickly beneath the brute strength and vigor of our LOLkrieg. But not this one. Perhaps because we were fighting a more worthy opponent, or maybe because our other victims didn't even know we were fighting to begin with.

Imagine then our surprise when we opened our LOLmail the other day and saw this message:


That's right; in typical British fashion, the tart decided to pack it in and save herself any further embarrassment. Our email inbox was temporarily turned into our own personal Yorktown.


You might expect us to say, "Well, that figures," which we did, but not before exhaling a long breath of relief. We were assured in our victory, but even the strongest of champions have a some weight lifted from their wide and manly shoulders once the battle is through. So you'll forgive us if we popped a few corks and transformed the LOL Cave into a champagne shower room.




However, don't start to think that Ray could get away with sending a simple email and walking away. No. You don't lose a war without having first to sign away even more dignity, because failing to achieve your goal just isn't humiliating enough. So we drafted some articles of surrender - a few conditions she must meet or face severe retaliation - which Ray has dutifully signed.


So there you have it. Wrestlegasm will continue to operate, though naturally in a much inferior capacity to LOL, Wresslin'. And we'll take some time to dust our palms and pat ourselves on the back for a job done well.