OH BABY, I like it Raw! Break a leg

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a them song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...



Last week (two weeks ago!), we find out that Shane and Randy are finally going to have a one-on-one! This is going to be the match of the night! One to stay up late for, if you have to, or sit through several other matches that are much more ridiculous than a middle-aged dude with a desk job taking on the WWE Champion!


Hang on, what time is it? Wait, seriously? This is the first match?? This is going to be a long night...


Oh look, Shane is getting the better of Randy, and he doesn't even need a kendo stick this time. They fought all over the ring. They fought into the crowd. They did this:


Clearly someone other than Batista's deserves to be the Number 1 Contender. Luckily for Randy, his henchmodels come down to save him from what was surely going to be the beating of his life/afterlife. MVP does his best to even the odds, but he's the US Champion, so...come on. What was he going to do? He gets tossed out close to immediately. This doesn't sound very fair, does it? Nope! And guess who has a problem with it!

Note to Ray: Please don't nick this.

Things have descended into madness!! Please, please, we need someone to reestablish order around here!

Well, damn it...

Vickie, seeing the chaos in the ring, does the only sensible thing and makes three matches with ridiculous stipulations. What's going to happen is Batista versus Teddy and MVP versus Codeman, with the winners of each being allowed to join either Shane or Randy in a later match. So, it could be a 3-1 or a 2-2 or some other combination that we can't figure out.

Vickie's WWE Booking algorithm, where X = Batista...

Matt Hardy lost a quick match to Kofi Kingston. What do you expect, though? The man still has a cast on his arm. Seriously, WWE, let this man heal! Give him some sick days or something. That is so not fair. Still, Hardy hit Kingston with the cast after the match was over, so Matt's really not doing a lot to make sure he heals properly.

Santino and Kelly Kelly were talking backstage, and it turns out that Double K is teaming up with Santino's "sister" "Santina." Kelly to the second power said she's excited to meet her. Um, hey beautiful, you teamed with Santina last week.

I keep track of these things.

We have our first insane stipulation match of the night, with MVP facing Cody Rhodes. Wow. If you had told me a year ago that the WWE would be expecting me to care about a match-up between these two, I would have hoped to not be watching wrestling by then. In any case here we are. William Regal interfered for some reason, and here was the result:

This somehow makes things better for Randy, or so the announcers said. I dare you to prove it.

Also, I want you to take note of his right hand. See it there on this abdomen? Now check out these pictures...from the same match.


IS HIS HAND PASTED THERE???

And now it's time for another segment with the Miz. Please, WWE. Stop. You're making things far too entertaining. I might just pass out. The MIz calls out John Cena again, like he was obviously going to. And this time Cena comes down to the ring. And before they can do anything, Big Show comes out and beats up Mr. Cena and leaves him laying in the ring. And why did all this happen?

WWE is written by fifth graders.

We're of course reminded that Mr. Cena was thrown through some props and is pretend-injured. Let's consider this: if Cena were really injured, and it was really a bad idea for him to wrestle, why would he let the Miz call him offsides? Who cares about the Miz? Kick his ass all over the arena, and up and down whatever town your in when you get to feeling, and perform all number of catch-phrases on him later, but you're just asking for it if you go down there hurt. You need a babysitter.

Jarred from Subway was a ring announcer for a divas match.


Why? I don't know.

Now comes Batista's chance to swing the upcoming match in Shane's favor, but in truth, it's Shane, and other wrestlers just get in the way of his awesomeness. That's probably why Batista got DQ'd as well, after failing to stop hitting Teddy while he was in the corner, marking the first time that rule has been enforced ever.

Wrestling history.

So, we'll have Legacy versus Shane. Yes a handicap match...in Shane's favor.

I know you're all bristling with excitement to find out how this match went down, and since nothing else really happened, let's skip to it. Here's the best way I can describe it to you:

Above: Self-serving drivel

Dispassionate Randy is dispassionate.

You may think I picked and chose all the points where Shane was on offense, and you'd be right, but it wasn't hard, because Legacy DIDN'T DO ANYTHING. Honestly, Shane beat them all up, and at one point had the WWE Champion set up on the announcer's table and the other two writhing in pain on the outside. Then he has to go and do something stupid.


Eventually, the heels would even the odds (because again, 3-1 aren't even enough) and smash Shane's foot between some steel steps.

Favorite picture of Shane ever.

Will Shane beat up the entire roster on just one leg this week?? I guess we'll all have to find out tonight, 9/8c on USA!