OH BABY, I like it Raw! Judgement is coming

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...



We start the Raw after Backlash with Randy Orton talking about that huge thing he has about waist level.

The WWE Championship, you goof!

Orton said he destroyed the McMahon family. Listen, bub, if an exploding limo can't destroy the McMahon's, you can't. Sorry. You're cool and all, just not that cool


While Orton and his buddies were out in the ring, talking about how cool they are and how they're totally going to score with the head cheerleader after tonight's big game, MVP came out and had a different idea - that he's way more important than he really is. He says that he's the US Champion and doesn't have to listen to anyone. MVP, allow LOL, Wresslin' to provide you a crudely constructed flow chart about how things work here in the WWE:


See? You're ALL the way down there at the bottom, about equal with the Women's Championship. Some of you may wonder why I put the WWE Championship above the World Heavyweight Championship. Well, it's quite simple. The WWE Championship is on Raw, so it's clearly better.

Anyway, MVP called Cody and Teddy "Abercrombie & Fitch models."

More like Blabbercrombie and Bitch

Our awesome GM Vickie Guererro thought it would be a great idea for Randy to face MVP tonight, so it's going to be a Champion versus Chumpion match.

The Brian Kendrick faced Kofi Kingston in a match that the Shakin' Jamaican won in two minutes. Does anyone care?

Vickie told the Big Show thanks for murdering John Cena at Backlash. He said it was no problem, but I guess he DID expect a little in return, because he leaned in to smooch the pooch. She gave him the cold shoulder. Sorry big guy, you're still a nasty bastard.


Next we have yet another women's match meant merely to put over a dude in drag. If you didn't think the WWE couldn't give a damn about the women's division, you should now. I'll step forward and say that I do care about these ladies going out and giving it their all, performing stunning feats of athleticism for our cynical enjoyment. Truly, it's something special to behold.

Oh no, that's actually not at all why I like it.

We're again reminded that seeing another man's privates is the worst thing in the world, as Hornswoggle gets a cat's-eye view of Santino's package while he's standing on the ring apron. The midget appropriately passes out, and laughs were had by all. Really? Is looking at a dude's junk all that bad?

If it is, I've sinned enough for a thousand lifetimes.

Matt Hardy came out sporting a fancy new cast on his arm. Apparently his wittle hand was bwoken in his match against big, bad Jeff. But he still has to wrestle tonight, which is incredibly irresponsible on WWE's part. OSHA should really look into this. And who is going to get the easy win over an injured Matt?


Matt pulled a play out of Cowboy Bob Orton's book and smacked resplendant rassler with the cast. Match over in less than a minute. Welcome back to wrestling, Goldust!

Alright, here comes this MVP match.


This newcomer on Raw thinks pretty highly of himself, and challenging to top dog is pretty gutsy.


Ok ok, looking pretty good. Obviously the switch from Quackdown to Raw was a good thing for him. Randy's getting in some offense, but this MVP is looking like he might just get the win.


OH COME ON!!


Of course, Cody and Ted run out to save to Orton and chase Shane away. Actually, not "of course," because on a normal night, Shane would have beat them up too. I guess he didn't have his pre-fight half-pound burger and shake. A little low on energy, perhaps.

So that match is over. Orton wins via DQ. Awesome.


The WWE seems to think that the best thing to take the resulting bad taste out of my mouth is to trot The Miz out to the ring. Hey WWE, you're fucking wrong.


So Miz gets out there and says he's big and tough and then challenges John Cena to a match. The Miz seems to think he's going to take on a major Raw superstar. Sorry to break this to you, but Cena is in a bodybag right now. He was thrown into a spotlight and BURNED TO A CRISP.


The Miz says that since Cena didn't come fight him, he picks up the win because of a forfeit.


Now we've got our main event, Batista versus Big Show to be the Number 1 Contender. Yeah, this one is going to be one athletic and fast-paced match.

Just take this and stretch it out over ten minutes.

Batista won, but not by beating up his opponent. No, he had a little help...in the form of JOHN CENA!!!


Look! There he is! And no gross burns or anything like that. I'm astounded, and so was Big Show, because he walked out of the ring and toward Mr. Cena for so long that he got his dumb ass counted out. Way to go.


How did Cena survive? Was it a fake Cena? How many fake Cena's are there? Which one is the true Cena? Better tune in and "cena" for yourself, tonight at 9/8c on the only network for reincarnation, USA!