OH BABY, I like it RAW! vol. 5

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please click play and enjoy...



Last week was truly historic. The 800th episode of Monday Night Raw. Know what that means? I means we get a three-hour show, with one hour devoted to fresh content and the other two for retrospectives. Strap in, because it's going to be a hell of a ride!

It's hard to find a place to begin, but I guess I'll just cover the new stuff that happened. One of our main storylines is the ongoing feud between Randy Orton and Raw G.M. Mike Adamle. Orton came out (no, not like that fellas...) and said he was going to wait until Shane McMahon or Stephanie HH came out and either fired him or fired Adamle.

You're fired! And so cute, too!

Shane danced down to the ring and talked about how he's not his father or some stuff. We all know that. Vince is dead/paralyzed/on vacation. Before Shane had to make an actual decision, Adamle relieved him of that duty and went ahead and quit.


With that out of the way, the question remained what to do with this little upstart Orton. Shane dropped the bomb that Orton has been healthy for weeks! Rather than wait until Survivor Series like Randy wanted to, he was going wrestle tonight! Orton tried to snake his way out of it by saying that he didn't have his wrestling clothes with him.

"I guess it's never stopped me before."

Shane apparently had that all taken care of and said Orton would face...OH NO WHO??!...C.M. PUNK! NO WAY!! HE'LL KILL ORTON!!!


Charlie Haas continued to show why was the first (and maybe last) to receive the LOL, Wresslin' Seal of Awesomeness. This week, he faced Vladimir Koslov. I know what you're thinking: a squash. Well not so fast, because Koslov has never gone up against the likes of Bret "The Hitman" HAAS!

With Chris Benoit as the Blue Blazer!

He still lost in less than a minute, though.

They then showed a retrospective of DX coming to the ring and making fun of some opponent. What? Oh, you mean this was live? Nevermind then...

For 1997?!

Apparently John Morrison and the Miz had been saying some pretty mean things about these two, and DX needed to form up again (they've said it was over at least twice now) and show these two youngsters a thing or three. Because there's no two heels that I'd like to see DX teach a lesson to more than John Morrison and the Miz.

Anyone care to guess who won? If you said the boys from ECW, you're a complete fool.

Next is a 16-Diva tag match. I had no idea the WWE even employed 16 divas. They may as well have not, because I don't think even half of them made it into the ring. It might have lasted two minutes. Doesn't really matter, because like I said, I don't think I've seen some of these "Divas" in the last six months. As far as I'm concerned, they only have one.

Do I even need to say it anymore? Ok, you convinced me! Call me??

Punk won his match via DQ, because Priceless thought it would be a good idea to attack him while he was in the ring. Look, Teddy...I know you're sort of new to this thing, but you'd think your dad or simply basic knowledge of the wrestling business would inform you that if you attack someone while they're in a match, they win. If you really want to get under someone's skin, maybe don't give them a notch in the win column. Maybe leave a nasty note on their car. That always works. And I'm sure Orton is glad that his months of being sidelined came to an end for a glorious three-minute no contest.

Undertaker fought JBL. JBL decided that it would be a good idea to get himself counted out rather than have to fight what Jim Ross called a "near seven-foot walking weapon." I think it's probably the smartest thing he's ever done. No, no. Check that. This was the smartest thing he's ever done.

Cena's getting a title shot at Survivor Series, according to Shane. He and Steph had a nice little backstage talk about it, and say they wish their dad were around to see all this. Well, I guess he could just turn on the TV. Unless they think he's dead, in which case I have something to show them.

From October 30, 2008

Finally, we have the steel cage match between World Heavyweight Animal Batista and Chris Jericho, and we all know that it's never good to put an animal behind bars. Why? Well, because apparently they lose their titles.

It's black-and-white because we all know the internet isn't allowed to show blood.

Wow! What a show! Find out what happens on the 801st episode of Raw tonight, 9/8c on USA!