Hulk Hogan's CCW: Week 6

Proving that Celebrity Championship Wrestling exists on Earth-53 and not in reality television, we have this announcement this week: Danny Bonaduce is back! Now, you may remember that he was kicked off because he was injured and couldn't wrestle. Well, he strolls back in to the break room like nothing ever happened. He says he's going to talk to Hogan and get back on the show.

If kicking someone off the show because they're hurt is a good idea, then surely they would remain off the show if they lied about being badly injured and simply skipped the match, right?

Wrong.

Hogan caves and says he can come back. Dustin Diamond (who, for whatever reason, has pissed off everyone on the show) can't stand for that, being the one sane person involved in this program. He walks up on Hogan and Bonaduce's convo and voices his displeasure. Well, kiddo, this ain't a democracy around here, and Hogan doesn't give a damn what the smartest kid in school has to say on the matter.


They devise that these two should have a one-on-one, falls count anywhere match. Because they have a grudge, and because they need to fill the last segment of the show. The rest of the competitors are just going to have a normal hardcore match. To prepare for this, they are shown the way to a junkyard, where they may pick out any piece of junk to use in a match. Not sure that we've ever seen anyone in the WWE bring a transmission to an '88 LeBaron to the ring, so this should be interesting.

Imagine our surprise when they all found stuff that has no business being in a junk yard. Like an aluminum baseball bat, or a perfectly good STOP sign. Diamond found a sledgehammer, which might belong there, but also continues his habit of honoring those who came before him.


Diamond and Bonaduce go off to block out their match, and in the process of getting prepared, Danny gets hit with a trash can. Someone must have been a little confused on the stipulations of a hardcore match, because Mr. Keep-It-Together lost his ever-loving mind and started really hitting Dustin. And then to top things off, Bonaduce was screaming and throwing the trash can in the air, allowing it to fall and hit him in the head. Wethinks you are contradicting yourself, kind sir.

Also to prepare for the match, Hogan brings in GOLDBERG...GOLDBERG...GOLDBERG. Yes, the man known to be one of the stiffest (not you, Randy) workers in the business.

"Not yet."

So this guy who can't perform a move without hurting someone is here to perform moves on people who can't take a bump without hurting themselves. This should be great.

Oh, he doesn't do anything? He just says you have to "want it"? Well, I'm glad he came all this way to give a sports movie locker room speech.

He does give a powerslam to Bonaduce. Danny says he thinks he's going to die afterwards. Welcome to Earth-53.

On to the matches. The hardcore match is forgettable, which surprised a total of no people in the LOL, Wresslin' cave. What was great was the Diamond/Bonaduce match. They took it everywhere, even through walls. This match could easily fill the middle segment of Raw, which is saying a lot and not so much all at once. And what's more impressive is that neither of these two got hurt. Kudos are deserved and are thusly given.

Everyone but Danny, Dustin, and Trishelle are told they can hit the showers because they are safe. Let's add this up: we have two guys who just put on the best match in the history of the show, and we have Trishelle, who bitched the entire episode about getting hit with things and did next to nothing during her match.

Hogan even asked if she tried her hardest this week, and she said, "No." At least she's honest. But honesty means nothing except that you're a jabroni.

Will you remember me?

Could this show be getting good? No way! But maybe...you'll have to find out for yourself. Tonight, 8/7c on CMT.