OH BABY, I like it RAW! vol. 8

SEASONS BEATINGS!

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...



'Twas the night after Survivor Series and all through Rhode Isle, the Raw fans were leaping and all sporting smiles.

Whatever, I'm not a poet. I write for the internet - what more do you want from me?

So yeah, Raw emanated from Providence last week, and it started with a bang. Not literally, since they decided to forego the usual fireworks and intro in place of Shane McMahon. Good call.

Shane comes out and says that there are two wrestlers with rematch clauses in their contracts that gives them each an equal claim as the Number 1 Contender. My, this is certainly a pickle you've gotten yourself into. How will you ever solve it?

Oh right.

So Jericho and Batista are going to face off in a match that will determine who faces Mr. Cena at Armageddon. But wait! Who's this coming out? She's all grown up!


It's Stephanie McMahon Levesque Hurst Helmsly!! And she says that Randy Orton has an equal claim to being the one to fight Mr. Cena!

Uh, why?

"Perhaps this will sway you..."

Orton's been injured for months and he can just walk back on and have an equal right to a championship match as two people who have it in their contracts? That makes about as much sense as kicking someone off a wrestling show for being injured, only to allow them to come back on the show when you find out they really weren't injured in the first place! Oh. Wait.

And yes, I will refer you to an article we posted directly before this one.

So that happens, which doesn't sit well with Shane. And then Stephanie informs him that he can trot on back to WWE Towers, because she'll be running the show. Shane says she'll run it into the ground. Stephanie responds with "Nuh uh," we believe, and that's about it.

Oh, and Shane asked if she was going to sleep with another wrestler so she could have a new husband. That went over well.

"Thank you for the kind words, my dear brother."

During the next match with Michaels and Mysterio versus the Miz and Morrison, JBL decides to bring his limo down to the ring and get a good look at the action. Because on Raw, it makes sense that anyone should be able to drive a vehicle to the ring anytime they feel like it. After the good guys win, the bad guys jump them! Heels!!! Booo!!!

Not one to sit out a mediocre fight, JBL gets in the ring and does what any top heel would do when the guy you've been having words with is being pummeled in the ring - he kicks John Morrison! Wait a minute? You weren't supposed to do that! What gives?

Bradshaw explains it afterward by saying that he made Shawn an offer earlier that morning, and this was just a gesture of good faith that Michaels will make the right decision. Oh, ok. Glad that's clear.


Mr. Kennedy appeared and said he was out asking which superstar President-Elect Barack Obama most resembles. Some of the names on the list: Shelton Benjamin, Kofi Kingston, Cryme Tyme, and MVP. We wonder why.

Also included was Randy Orton. Again, we wonder why.

Now we have the Triple Threat match. There's been a lot of these going around. Looks like the writers have been spending a little too much time together. Jericho won it, so he's the Number 1 Contender this week, but I'm sure that will change. Here's where, for once, I'm going to take issue with the way WWE plans out their matches. During the match, we have Randy Orton doing his little "I'm stalking you" crawl around the ring, just about to hit the RKO on Jericho OUT OF NOWHERE. While Y2J's back is still turned, we're treated to a commercial break.

Coming back, Batista and Jericho are fighting in the ring. What happened? Well, two seconds after the break, the Animal pulled Orton from the ring onto the floor. Now, obviously I'm no television expert, but couldn't you have waited to break until after that? It seems like the more reasonable place to pause for a message from the fine sponsors of WWE programming, than at a moment where the match could possibly end during the commercials. It didn't, but have a little respect. Come now. We're better than that.

Goldust came back (one "d"? Seriously?) He and Santino squared off to see who could be the hammiest inside the ring. Goldust won.


There was a six-Diva tag match. Not much to say about this one other than WHERE WAS KELLY KELLY? Oh well...no matter.

I'll take the one with his hands up.

Finally:


And Mr. Cena will be here tonight, 9/8c on USA!