R U READY TO DOWN SOME SMACK??? The Road to Wrestlemania edition

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

As Matt already told you, The Royal Rumble was last Sunday, and the WWE universe is forever cracked due to the shocking events that took place that night! Only by remembering history can we change the future!

So I'm going to open up with something a little odd. An ECW match. I know, I know. Who cares? Well it's high time we started paying a little respect to Tuesday nights, so I say! And so says the LOLBOP! Thus...I present to you

Matt Hardy

vs

Jack Swagger

with the ECW title on the line (with its fiery phoenix graphic)!


Wait...who the hell is Jack Swagger? What kind of ass clown wears such a comically over sized belt? He calls himself "The All-American American" and comes out to a song by One Day as a Lion (At least I think it's One Day as a Lion. I never liked Rage Against the Machine, so I don't know if that's a song of theirs, or if it's a new song of theirs, or if they even got back together, but I know it wouldn't be an old song because why pay a licensing fee for a nobody like Jack Swagger, so if it's a new RATM song then clearly it's for promotional purposes, but like I said, I don't know. The singer is clearly Zack from RATM though, and I know his new band is One Day as Lion, which is a great name for a crappy band. But I digress.)

You for reading all that. Not me for knowing all that.

Anyway the story going in is that good guy Hardy wants to regain his ECW title, who he lost to undefeated bad guy Swagger a few weeks ago on TV. The only noticeable spot was when Hardy kicked Swagger in the face a little too hard, so Swagger cashed in that receipt by tossing Hardy off the top rope a little too carelessly. Oh, that and Swagger won clean.

Go ahead and steal that and use it in your office. I know you're going to anyway.

Needless to say, Matt Hardy was less then thrilled with the outcome.

The other singles match involved Edge taking on Matt's brother Jeff, for his WWE title! And just before the match started, Smackdown GM (and Mrs. Edge) Vickie Guerrero changed the match from a normal singles match to a No Disqualification stipulation! Can she do that? On a whim? Oh she can? Ohhhh kay.

I don't think we'll ever run out of these.

Anyway, since Jeff is an agent of chaos, he thought this was just fine. So fine that he would do such crazy things like fall of ladders!

Jeff Hardy died for our sins.

And kick a defenseless husky woman!

He's doin' what we're all thinkin'! LOLOLZ

Of course, who could blame him? He's had a rough patch the last few months. First he got attacked before the Survivor Series, then he had that hit and run attack on I-95, and then of course that little pyro accident. But just when things were going well Jeff's mysterious attacker revealed himself! And it was Edge's brother, Christian! Back to Smackdown from TNA!


Not? Oh wow, I was very wrong. It's Jeff's brother Matt, here to help him take on the nefarious Edge (who we all remember, once stole Matt's lady)!





Edge wins back the title! You know, for as much as we make fun of HHH for always winning the strap, we sure don't get on Edge for having numerous title runs. Maybe it's because he's Canadian. The All American Canadian, perhaps?

Yes, yes. We all know I hate Lord of the Rings. Commence with the flaming.

Finally, the main event; the 30-Man, over the top rope, enter at 90 second interval, where the winner gets a title shot at the Superbowl (topical!) of wrestling, Wrestlemania! Of course, you knew that already. You attended the event/bought it on pay-per-view/know what wrestling is/read this blog.

...but just in case you're fat and stupid...

So Matt already told you the gory details, with Raw's well endowed crazy man Randy Orton winning the Rumble. He used his "Legacy" to eliminate Smackdown's Triple H. Still, there are a few things about the Royal Rumble that I noticed:

1. It felt like the Smackdown guys overwhelmingly were positioned earlier in the entry. Luck of the draw I suppose. True, the Big Show drew #30, and The Brian Kendrick drew a number in the late 20's (he eliminated someone and got eliminated in about ten seconds), it just seemed like the top 10 was littered with Smackdown guys. Couple that with Randy Orton having two other dudes watching his back and the deck was stacked against the blue brand.
   
2. Whenever someone new enters the Rumble everyone just stands around and let's that person clean house. I suppose that makes sense though. He's 90 seconds fresher then the previous dude.
3. How did Matt not mention the return of Rob Van Dam?! True it was one night only, and it was just for a hometown pop, and he was a little slower and pudgier then we remember, but still, RVD! RVD! RVD! And Chris Jericho had the nerve to eliminate him! If only some paragon of good, someone who held the power of a Ram could "toss him around the ring like a tossed salad."

There will be justice, Jericho.

Next stop: Wrestlemania! No? Next stop, tons of Smackdowns and Raws and a pay per view called No Way Out, but then, more Smackdowns and Raws and THEN Wrestlemania! But the fun is getting there! What would the Wizard of Oz be if Dorothy didn't meet her crew along the way? Shorter, that's what! So tune in tonight so we can understand why Matt committed fratricide! iNetwork Television, 8/7c!

Savvy?

It seems to be the case that when a diva leaves the WWE, you don't really hear much from her anymore. Lita is hosting a radio show Sunday nights at 9:00 PM in Atlanta called PunkRockalypse. Trish has done some reality television. And Chyna? Well...let's just say I won't be spending a night overseas anytime soon.

But Stacy Keibler is looking to buck that trend. Former Ravens cheerleader, WCW girl, Diva, and Dancing with the Stars contestant, Keibler is looking to add something to her resume: pirate.

And not just any pirate, but a football pirate! That's right, Stacy is joining up with Captain Morgan rum for a special promotion during the Super Bowl.


Yes, the perfect pairing is asking players from either team to do the Captain Morgan pose at some point during the game. If they do, the rum company will donate $5,000 to the player's favorite charity, and another five grand to Keibler's favorite charity.

"And rum for all the sick kiddos!"

But why Captain Morgan? And why Stacy Keibler? Now, don't get us wrong: we love the ladies. They rev our engines. However, isn't there a better liquor and spokesman for the Super Bowl? Take Scott Hall for instance. He's been practicing his Jack Daniels pose for years!


This is what we've got though, and in the end, it'll probably be fun and worth a few laughs. Also, the chances of someone saying, "I'd like to put a little captain in her"? Well, 100 percent, because we've already said it.

W.W.W. featuring Jake "The Snake" Roberts and "The Million Dollar Man" Ted Dibase

On Wednesdays, we here at LOL, Wresslin' like to really pull out the stops and offer up a double shot of righteously killer content. Why Wednesday? Well, we could impress you with market research, work habit studies, and human psychology tendencies to show you there's a scientific reason the middle of the week is the best time to bring your A-game. However, truth be told, we don't have any of that stuff and settled on Wednesday because that was the only day that didn't have any content scheduled.

So, here you have "Watch Wresslin' Wednesdays." Please feel free to suggest a better title, because we are woefully uncreative when it comes to naming stuff.

Better at naming stuff than us.

The idea of W.W.W. is we each send the other a video that is related to wrestling (a match, promo, interview, guest starring spot, etc.). The only restriction is that it cannot be user-created, so your "How to Make Ronnie James Dio in Smackdown vs Raw 2008" video ain't gonna fly here, pal. Neither of us know what kind of video we're going to get that day.

After viewing, we each write a response. This could be anything we choose: a straight commentary, a philosophical enlightenment, or classless ridicule. Just as we don't know what kind of video the other will select, neither do we know what the other will write or how they will write it. What you end up with is a mash-up of styles, which in our book equates to two-blogs-in-one, and we can take the rest of the day off.

Matt's video to Adam- Bill Apter Interviews Jake Roberts




Adam's response...

Ok kids, calm down. We'll have our fun with Mr. Roberts soon enough. But let's take a deep breath and really look at this video. There is more then one person it. In addition to The Snake we have the man interviewing him, a man known only as Bill Apter.

Who is this Bill Apter character? Well, using the finest research tools at my disposal I was able to learn that he's been writing about professional wrestling since the 1970's. He wrote primarily for Pro Wrestling Illustrated, which was a known as a "mark magazine" in contrast to the "dirt sheets." Basically, magazines like PWI kept up kayfabe and covered pro wrestling like it was legitimate sporting competition. However, think of it more in vain with Soap Opera Digest rather then Sports Illustrated. Still, if Mr. Apter is continuing the charade that wrestling is real, then clearly speaking to a legend like Jake would be quite the honor, rather then the uncomfortable, slightly smelly encounter it truly is. After all, on Earth-53, the DDT is respected!

Anyway, this is a fairly recent interview that happened at the Legends of the Ring convention. Wait, Legends of the Ring? That sounds oddly familiar. Well Jake seems to be in good spirits. For some reason though he doesn't like Cleveland. Wonder why that would be?

It's a mystery

Oh, right. Well let's not dwell on the negatives. Let's talk about the positives. Jake's blogging! Like us! He has The Raw Report. The Raw Report? Is that the best you can come up with? What about Snake's Thoughts on the Monday Night Wrestling Related Program produced by World Wrestling Entertainment (inc) and aired on the USA Network, a division of Universal? Or at least Roberts's Raw Report, keep it a little more personal and alliterative, you dolt.

Still, he says we can find this blog on his official website, which is a Myspace profile. Listen Jake, we've been hard on you before, but seriously dude, I'm a little worried. This is honest advice. A Myspace profile is not a personal website. It's not even a real website. Hell, anything .blogspot isn't an official website. It's a space on the net that allows advertisers to know exactly what you like and thus they can send me ads that say "25 and single?" I shudder to think of the ads you get when web browsing, Snake.

Anyway, I'm going to peruse the man's "website." Marital status- single. Well no surprise there. Children? Proud parent. That must be a default, because I don't think Jake is proud of his kids. I can say with certainty that his kids aren't proud of him (no I can't). We can order some great Snake merchandise by going through his handler, farmgirl (at) atlantic (dot) net. Yup, not store (at) jakeroberts (dot) com. Not even through a third party wrestling store. Nope, some female farmer somewhere on the east coast. Oh, and here's a photo of Jake and his publicist.



Wow, what young boy did he kidnap from soccer practice? Well by using the finest research tools at my disposal I was able to conclude that this "man" is a 23 year old undergraduate at the University of Florida. That's right, he hasn't graduated from the state institution of the state with the lowest educational system in the country. I'm sure he can get some good publicity. Oh, and look at this suicide note he left for all his Myspace friends!



Why are we here again? Oh right, The Raw Report!

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Jake re: Orton-McMahon Thought I would do something different. And since I enjoy the Randy Orton and Jericho ending to Raw, just like to say how I think it would have been better. Can't get much better than Jericho on his knees...But with Orton, here's how I would have done it. First, I would have not let Stephanie leave the ring. Instead would have had her there and one of two things would have happened. When Vince went to fire Randy, could have had Vince duck and hit Stephanie. Then, as Vince was tending over his daughter baby-popper, then have Orton kick and do the damage to Vince. Actually not my first choice. My choice would have been Randy nail Vince as he's firing him which knocks him into Stephanie. Stephanie could go down or not, and if not, she comes at Orton who throttles her and as Vince comes up, shoves her on her ass and does the damage on Vince. But I still think, the best would be for her to be knocked down and Vince hovering over her, and as he turns and fires Orton, then Orton starts to leave and just turns and does the kick. To me, that's heat. Just a thought, and to show that this old fart still knows what he's doing, you tell me which one would be more heat. What I suggested, or what you were given. See you soon. Jake

Bill Apter would make the safest comment ever and say that, "Raw has its highs points and its low points." Jake would say "Raw should attack Stephanie." I'm going to say both comments suck.

Anyway, this is wrapping up. One last question for Snake: "How would a Jake/Rey Mysterio match go?" My guess? Badly. Jake's response? "Hopefully longer then five minutes." Hahah! Good one! Seriously. Jake showed a little humility and had a pretty good line, invoking both his own mortality and Rey's unbelievable conditioning. Nice going. What's that? He's continuing? "Because that's about how long matches go now.." Oh come on! Seriously? It's the system's fault? I bet you could still be a world champion, today, right Jake? Having a hot feud with Bob Backlund or something?

What?!? Scott Hall shows up out of nowhere? Wow! Thanks Matt, this video ruled.

Adam's video to Matt - Million Dollar Man's Thanksgiving



Matt's response...

SEASON'S BEATINGS!

Huh? It's the end of January? Well, I just thought since Adam sent me a Thanksgiving video, I had lapsed into a coma and awoken at the holidays. Which made me wonder who'd been writing my articles since then...

Well, ok, this is certainly disappointing. I mean, I agree with Jesse "The Body" in that I would LOVE to know how Ted DiBiase spends his Thanksgiving, but I tend to wonder that around, oh say, Thanksgiving, perhaps? Anyway, I'll charge ahead, being the soldier of the interwebs I am.

If the description on the video is to be believed (and since we believe Wikipedia, why not?) this is from 1987, which would make this the first Survivor Series PPV. Survivor Series has featured a lot of great superstars. In fact, just three years later, The Undertaker would make his debut at this PPV, brought in by our subject today, The Million Dollar Man. Coincidence? Yeah, probably.

So Jesse Ventura wants to know what DiBiase does on Thanksgiving, and Gorilla Monsoon imagines it's deplorable. Sure, let's paint everyone with a broad stroke, 'Rilla. Give the man a chance; maybe he feeds orphans on Thanksgiving.

Well, no. He rides around in a limo apparently, counting his money again and again. I mentioned to Adam today that this is probably the best gimmick to have at the time. Rather than Jake Roberts, who had to be greasy and carry a snake around, or even Hulk Hogan, M.D.M's thing was to go around acting like a big shot all the time. And in a day when kayfabe was protected, that was pretty cool.

So this video really has nothing to do with Thanksgiving and is more a highlight (or lowlight) reel of all of DiBiase's despicable deeds. We start with him offering a kid three hundred dollars to do ten push-ups. Seriously? This is easy. Here we go, kid. Make mom and dad proud!

He can't do it?! Come on! Look, I wasn't all that athletic of a kid, and I'm not all that athletic of a grown-up either, but I can do ten push-ups, especially if you're going to throw piles of cash of at me. And Ted didn't even have to do anything to make this kid lose. He just couldn't do it! What are you, fifty pounds, maybe? I hope your parents whipped the crap out of you when you got home and got you to chopping wood or something. Lazy kids these days.

Now this next one is just full of racial stereotyping. You have this little black kid who's challenged to dribble a basketball fifteen times for five bills. Oh yeah? A basketball? Maybe that kid likes other sports, like tennis or hockey. Why a basketball, Mr. Man? Oh, and he says it's obvious the kid needs the money. That his family needs the money. Well why is that? He's got to be poor, does he? Well, we'll see who's poor when he goes all Harlem Globetrotter on you.


HAHAHA, now that's legitimately funny. Get the kid all the way up to fourteen and then kick the ball away. That's what I expect from a top heel. Now, scoot on back to the ghetto from whence you came, young'un.

Next is a woman who's asked to bark like a dog for money. You know what, he was right to not pay her. That was a terrible job.

Well, finally he's sitting down to eat. This is what I wanted to see. Just what does one eat with a million dollars? Not turkey?? Booooo, how is this Thanksgiving? He eats squab.

Anyone who gets this reference has my undying respect.

His last act is kicking kids out of the pool. Somehow, I think this was set up. I can't quite figure out why, but something about that reverse angle from inside the pool manager's booth is fishy. Anyway, Virgil helps the guy out and gets the kid out. Some might again think this is staged, seeing as how all the kids file out in a disciplined manner. Honestly though, are you going to argue with this guy?

Lifeguard on duty

At the end, we see Ted DiBiase driving around in an expensive car. You know how I know it's expensive? Because he can record his lines while driving with the top down and there's not a hint of wind or road noise. Now THAT'S impressive, sir!

Well that's a logical next step

Last year we lost one of the greats. Ric Flair, the stylin', profilin', kiss stealin' wheelin', dealin', son of a gun, hung up the sequined cape that won him sixteen world titles after being a professional wrestler for over thirty years. Since his retirement the Nature Boy has kept busy by doing the appearance circuit and getting beaten up by his daughter's boyfriend.


You'd figure that'd be enough for The Man, especially with rumors that he's making $10,000 a clip at this meet and greets. However, if you think we're the type to just leave it then then clearly you aren't thinking....good. Shut up. Anyway, word just came across the Internets that Mr. Flair just landed him an acting gig. He's playing Commander Hill in, get this, Electronic Arts new expansion pack for their Command and Conquer franchise.



Yes, we are a little confused. We know that C&C is a real-time strategy game, but not being PC gamers nor people who pay attention to details, we've never played them. We hear they're very good. But now? Even better since the dirtiest player in the game joined the cast. Take a look at how excited The Man is:

"When I found out that EA wanted me to be part of Command and Conquer all I could say was 'Wooooooooo!'"

C&C is notable for being a franchise that uses full motion video cut scenes, in comparison to most other games that use CGI rendered cut scenes. You know, because when you juxtapose super detailed graphics with images from a Sega CD game there's not any sort of jarring effect. Not one bit.




Still, this should have no bearing on Slick Ric. We can only hope he's a playable character and you get some special bonus for adding him to your squadron. Or at least a really cool cheat code.

EDIT: We know the Youtube player is too big. No idea how to fix it or remove it. Welcome to LOL, Wresslin'!

OH BABY, I like it RAW! the post-Rumble edition

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...



Last night was the Royal Rumble, so I won't recap last week's Raw since those story lines doesn't matter anymore! There is one thing you should know from a week ago though...VINCE McMAHON IS BACK!


That's right, Mr. McMahon has come back to his favorite show, Monday Night Raw, the flagship of all things entertainment. First order of business is to get Jericho his job back (we all knew that firing wouldn't stick). He apologized and everything's ok. Now Randy Orton comes out and starts demanding apologies from the McMahons. Well, that doesn't sit well with Vince, since I guess he's a face now, and he's just about to issue those famous words of his when Orton does the sensible thing and slaps him to the ground, then punts him in the head.


That's right, Vince can't last one night, nay ten minutes, without ending up on a stretcher. I guess we'll find out what happened to him tonight, provided his ambulance didn't drive off a cliff or something.

So we get to Rumble, and the first Raw match is for the Women's Championship. I don't really care, because Kelly Kelly is not involved.

Not pictured: reason to watch

Melina won, after Beth Pheonix made Melina kick herself with her own foot. That was entertaining.

Excuse me for five minutes...

The other Raw match was the World Heavyweight Championship match, with Mr. Cena facing JBL. The big story here is what would Shawn Michaels do? Choose between a big paycheck, or his own morality? Let's see!

Anyone know where I can get one of those kick-ass vests?

That's right, he had his cake and ate it too! Shawn put the boot to both of them, but then dragged JBL over for the pin. But he couldn't capitalize and Cena kicked out. All this after the first ref was knocked down and a new one came out, apparently unaware what had transpired previously. Cena ended up winning the match and retaining his title. JBL is Justa Big Loser.

Last, of course, was the Royal Rumble match. I don't feel like breaking down the whole thing, so I'll just offer a few thoughts...

Santino likely made history as the shortest time spent in the Rumble, getting elminated immediately by the Big Red Machine KANE(!). Glad to see him getting a push that he deserves.

Cody Rhodes eliminated his brother Goldust. I bet that led to some awkward family dinner conversation.


Hacksaw made an appearance, and it was every bit as epic as you imagine it would be.

Poetry in motion

Finally, we're left with Triple H and the three members of Legacy...


Naturally, it was a fair fight. Just kidding! They all teamed up on Trips. He managed to elminate two of them, but who was left standing in the end?

One dong to rule them all...

Will Randy get fired after winning the Rumble? I suppose there's only one way to find out! Well, two, since you could also watch live tonight, 9/8c on USA!

R U READY TO DOWN SOME SMACK??? THE ADAM IS BACK!

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

100 POSTS!!! SUCK IT RAW!!

I can't express how happy I am to devote my Friday nights to the superior brand in sports entertainment, Friday Night Smackdown! I'm sorry for leaving you baby, please take me back.

The most regal of all events is fast approaching, so the Knights of the Table Smack are gearing up! And why wouldn't they? The winner of the Royal Rumble main events the grand daddy of them all, Wrestlemania! Although luck is certainly a major component in winning, it can not be overstated how much talent and determination factor into winning. That's why HHH is Smackdown's best option to win the Rumble. And nothing, and I mean nothing, is going to get in his way.

Except for GM Vickie Guerrero.

Remember that little tiff about some nude photos HHH found on eBay? Me neither. It was two weeks ago! Well Ms. Guerrero didn't, and she's out to make HHH pay! And not in monetary ways like you do on eBay, but in a convoluted wrestling way. Yes, HHH's Royal Rumble slot is on the line as MVP must take on the Big Show in a last man standing match. MVP loses (as he's prone to do) and The 3H Club is out of the Double R!



One wrestler who will not be at the Royal Rumble is Victoria. She had her very last match ever last Friday. Victoria is the last hold over of the glory days of women's wrestling, so let's pay our respects and cheer her on for her last match. Who's her opponent?

OMG!!! Michelle McC(.)(.)l!!!!

Crap. Sorry Victoria, but you drew the short straw.

How can I get a seat at this buffet tray?

Engrish and LOL's, plus a well known internet meme? God I'm clever.

Anyway, back to HHH's problem. As we all know, MVP has been on a bit of losing streak for the last five months or so. Maybe he shouldn't have burned those lower case T's in front of random houses. So it's all but assured that the 500 pound Big Show will destroy him in a last man standing match. Right? Right?

Hey kids, see if you can find the hidden pun in this LOL.

Well not if HHH has anything to say about it. It's a last man standing match. There are no rules! Nice way to exploit that loop hole, Hunter. This must be why they call you "The Cerebral Assassin!"

Hey Paul Wight! You're a nasty bastard and your mama said so!

Finally, we need to hype up our title match at the Royal Rumble. Jeff Hardy was slated to be a guest on the hit talk show segment, The Cutting Edge, hosted none other then his opponent at the Rumble, Edge! True, he's had a few "incidents" lately, but he's safely in the arena! Nothing will go wrong.

Goldberg. Goldberg. Goldberg.

Goldberg?

OOOO...that's gotta hurt! But you know what hurts the most? That gray camo shirt Hurricane Helms is wearing! It hurts my eyes and taste (wocka wocka!) Seriously dude, you're pushing it.

Last show before the Rumble! Tune in tonight, 8/7c on MyNetwork TV!

HOOOO rly?

This blog has had take a shot or two at Hacksaw Jim Duggan, and with good reason. The man is borderline retarded. But he's a superstar from the good ol' days, and that carries a little cachet. So WWE.com wondered what he thought about today's superstars, and he was happy to oblige.

Hacksaw, of course, says his generation was tougher than today's batch of wrestlers.


Maybe he knows a thing or two. He was the first man to win the Royal Rumble, which is coming up this Sunday. He thinks today's wrestlers are more skilled than in his time, but we all know that's the same as saying that chick you're trying to hook your friend up with has a "nice personality." In Hacksaw's time, you didn't have these fancy moves and such. You got out there and let each other have it, and you were much better for it.

These may have helped.

Things were so hard back then, you had to carry a weapon to the ring. And not as a prop. You had to have something there in case someone got a little fresh you had to commit some good old-fashioned assault. Which is why Hacksaw carries a 2x4 with him to ring. He was told to bring something down there he could use if things got a little hairy. Consequently, he now has more than 30 "custom" pieces of wood at his house.

Google doesn't have a freaking clue what you mean when you search "custom 2x4." That is a nice table though...

Duggan says that in his current storyline, he's working with Cryme Tyme and not for them. It seems like WWE needs to lighten up and show black men in a more positive, leadership-type role, now that we're living in post-racial America. He also said that he's not very close with John Cena, but he's a nice guy. Well, thanks for telling us something we already know, Hack.

If only that were real