Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.
For a theme song to accompany this post, please press play and enjoy...
Last week was the night after Armageddon, and our superstars are feeling just as you'd expect after the ultimate battle by Good and Evil for control of the world's souls: ready for some more fighting! That's right! Heaven's angels and Hell's demons just didn't quite mix it up enough for the Raw locker room, and there's some unfinished business.
Revelation 6:1-8 What better way to start off a night of wrestling than the high-flying, death defying, bone crunching action of a tag team Divas match?
Yes, that is a rhetorical question, because the answer is clearly "None."
We have Kelly Kelly and Melina in the blue, or what I like to call "my," corner. Then there's Beth Phoenix and Jillian Hall in the red corner, also referred to as the "ugly corner." Boy howdy, this should be a slobber knocker. I'm going to have to hold my calls because this sure to last a good fif- oh wait! It's over. Well damn.
And I do mean DAMN! But no! Those dastardly heels can't leave well enough alone! They're beating up on poor Kelly Kelly! Who in the world could come to her aid?
Not surprisingly, Kane's appearance led to everyone's disappearance. Everyone, that is, except for Kelly Kelly, who was left lying helpless in the middle of the ring at the whim of this big, red monster.
Seriously? Do they even want us to try anymore? She ran off backstage, chased by Kane, which means the show can go on. Rey Mysterio is here to fight Deuce. But no! That's not Deuce. He says he's Jimmy Snuka's kid and wants to go by his real name, Sim Snuka. Right, because "Sim" is better than "Deuce." Anyway, I can see the resemblance. I always figured he liked to have coconuts banged against his face.
Rey won because the Unabomb- er, Mike Knox beat him up. That dude needs to take a chill pill.
There's a DX commercial. Shawn Michaels is so broke, he's forced to peddle cheap crap off of Shopzone. I can't believe it's come to this. I would have never thought...
We start to find out what's going on with Kane and Kelly Kelly, or as I like to call them, KKK. Kane's got her in an interrogation room, and says last week, she looked him in the eye and said "Love is a wonderful thing." Naturally, he misunderstood.
Kelly Kelly says that she didn't mean to lead him on, and Kane takes the news hard, but ultimately understands. They shake hands amicably and he holds the door open for her as she walks out.
NOT.
No, Kane offers to let her out, but then slams the door in her face and says he knows she feels something for him. Because the best way to get a woman to tell you she loves you is to hold her hostage in an interrogation room. Works every time.
"Ask her again. 'Would you like to have dinner tonight?'" The New Kids on the Block, aka Orton, Cody, and Manu try to start some business with Batista. And by "business," I mean "beat the living fudge out of him." Of course, our very own Mr. Cena comes to the rescue and those two pledge to team up and whip NKOTB's ass, cure cancer, and rid Gotham City of crime.
Adam already told you last week that Jericho refused to fight Hacksaw Jim Duggan because it was beneath him to do so. He is the Superstar of the Year, and did come back to save us, so I think he's justified in thinking this. What did you do, Jim? Speak in monosyllables and rob from the Home Depot lumber department? You carry around the American flag like you're some great patriot, but who gives a damn? What gives you that right? Because one time you picked up a piece of tree while you were off doing construction somewhere and thought "Hey, I should be a wrestler"? People cheer you because it's easy and they're stupid. You, them and your crushed pride all make me sick, Hacksaw. A pox on you.
Back to the interrogation/date: Kane now wants to know if there's someone else. The obvious answer is "anyone else," but Kelly Kelly is a classy broad, so she doesn't go there. They go to a commercial break, and come back to the same room, because this is thrilling television. Kelly Kelly has apparently given Kane a name, and he's off take care of them. Because murder also wins a girl's heart. Well, not every time.
There was a great tag match with C.M. Punk and Kofi Kingston versus the Miz and John Morrison, but I couldn't care less about that right now because I'm too concerned about what Kane is going to do to Kelly Kelly's boyfriend. Luckily we don't have to wait long to find out, because after the match, Kane comes down and pile drives...
The Miz.
A couple of the Divas find Kelly Kelly afterward and ask if she's ok. They also say they didn't know she was dating the Miz, to which Kelly Kelly replies with the question we've all been asking, "The Miz? Seriously?" Seems there's been a bit of a mix-up.
Dolph Ziggler beat up Santa HAAS. I won't show any photos of that, because I'd like to believe it didn't happen.
Finally, we have the handicap match, and I think it's Batista and Mr. Cena who have the advantage.
The match goes as you might expect it to go. The heels gets disqualfied for doing something heelish. But what you might not have expected was for Randy Orton to KICK BATISTA'S HEAD OFF!
not shown: decapitationWill Batista's head be reattached? Who will Jericho refuse to fight this week? Most importantly, WHO THE HELL IS KELLY KELLY DATING AND WHEN WILL THEY BREAK UP? All these questions need answers, and you need USA tonight at 9/8c!
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