R U READY TO DOWN SOME SMACK??? vol. 9

SEASON'S BEATINGS!!

Matt and Adam take the brand extension very seriously. They each only identify with one brand and actively follow it. Matt bleeds Raw red and Adam has Smackdown blue coursing through his veins. Being soldiers in the ongoing war for brand supremacy has charged both of them up enough to provide handy recaps of the previous week's show. That way, no new viewers will feel lost. Thus, every Monday and Friday, we here at LOL, Wresslin' will offer you a refresher. Hey, it's the least we can do.

We're coming off of Survivor Series and the Smackdown landscape is drastically changed. Namely, we have a brand new WWE Champion, and many suitors to try and dethrone the recently returned Edge! Of course, with so many vying for the title, how can we decide who gets the shot. Well in the most empirical way possible: a beat the clock challenge!

The rules for this competition are quite simple. The three men vying for the #1 contendership will all wrestle in three individual matches. Whoever wins his match in the shortest amount of time will be the #1 contender and face Edge at the next PPV. This is of course, super fair because obviously everyone will have the same caliber of opponent. And what happens if someone were to lose? Hmm, that question is never addressed. Oh well, these dudes aren't #1 contenders for nothing!

What makes the beat the clock so tense and exciting is that in addition to the thrilling competition that is Friday Night Smackdown, there is the added component of time being against you. That's right kiddies...time! The fourth dimension! This is a 4-D show! Take that, Raw.

"They still got me and big Randy Orton"

Anyway, in our first beat the clock match we had The Dog Chasing Cars vs The Man With A Plan, or rather Jeff Hardy vs The Brian Kendrick (seriously, that's his name.)

Seriously

These two high fliers put on a fast match with numerous near falls. Hardy with the win at 14 minutes and change.



Our second beat the clock involved Jeff's brother, (and ECW champion) Matt Hardy taking on Mr. Charisma, Vladimir Kozlov. Gee, certainly fair for our comrade there, ain't it? Taking on a world champion who just so happens to be the brother of another guy vying for the shot.

In case you didn't know I was being sarcastic.

It's like an episode of 24

Anyway, Matt Hardy showed off his integrity as champion and milked the clock costing Kozlov his shot at Edge. Oh well. USA! USA! USA!

In much more important news, six divas got it on. No, not as lesbians, but in a 6-lady tag! Maryse, Victoria, and Natayla Neidhart took on the Bella Twins and Divas Champ Michelle McCool (who I am a fool for). One of the Bella Twins (who knows which one) accidentally clotheslined McCool, leading to a win for the heels.

Oh God, how can I be the meat in that sandwich?

McCool rightfully flipped out on the split embryos, leading the Maria to intervene. Of course, Maria is an idiot and got shoved for her troubles. Michelle McCool is now a heel, apparently. Excuse me, Michelle McC(.)(.)l.

You see, they're twins, so they have the same mannerisms

And in our final beat the clock, HHH took on the US Champion, Shelton Benjamin. Now, this may seem like a mismatch, but Shelton seems to have HHH's number.

Tastes like chicken

Numerous near falls by the one who ain't being stopped, but HHH managed to pull off the win in 14 minutes and the EXACT SAME CHANGE AS JEFF HARDY. So did HHH beat the clock? He sure did! Why? Cause he's the Game!

"Clock" must be a racial slur on Earth-53

So it's going to be HHH vs Edge for the WWE Title at the next PPV! Wait...Jeff threatened to kill one, little old mayor if he didn't get a title shot? Well it seems like everyone just lost their minds! So now the plan is Edge vs HHH vs Jeff Hardy at the next PPV! Three times the threat!

We're still weeks away though. What is going to happen tonight? And where was MVP?? Tune in tonight, 8/7c on the network YOU own, MyNetwork TV!